Fucking Vegans!
I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian, I once read on a car’s bumper sticker.
I used to be a vegetarian, you know? That was back when I lived in Los Angeles. It’s easy to be a vegetarian in healthy-eating, weight-conscious California. In Illinois, it’s harder. It’s the Midwest for crying out loud! You can’t drive down any of the cornfield-lined highways without seeing at least one person on the side of the road gnawing on the leg of a large farm animal.
So, once I left California and returned to Illinois, it didn’t take long before I fell off of the Vegetarian Wagon and landed smack in the middle of the nearest steakhouse with a medium-well sirloin stuffed in my mouth, bloody-brown juices dripping down the sides on my face and all. That said; let it be known that, even back then, I still respected the eating habits of my friends that did not eat meat.
But, that was Illinois.
I live in New York now. And, I have this friend Esther. Esther the Vegan. Yeah, vegan. Going out to dinner with her can be sheer hell. Take last week, for example. We go to this Earthy-Crunchy-Buddhist restaurant together. On the menu, I see that the special entrée is Deep Fried Gluten and I know that I am in trouble.
“Um, I think I need a glass of wine if I’m going to eat here,” me to the waiter.
Esther rolls her eyes at me and looks, apologetically, at the waiter who also rolls his eyes.
Waiter to me: “We don’t serve alcohol; we’re Buddhist.”
I silently curse Esther and all of her vegan-loving friends throughout the world. “Fine. I’ll have water.”
“And, anything to eat?” the waiter asks me.
“Well, I guess I’ll have the Deep Fried Gluten,” I say and then snidely add, “does that come with chicken or beef?”
To my surprise, he doesn’t laugh. “Neither,” he says flatly. “There isn’t any meat in any of our dishes.”
Me: “I was joking”
Him: “But you’re not funny.”
He leaves our table. The food arrives and, for a second, I wonder if he spit in mine. I figure life’s too short and I’m too hungry to worry about that. I reluctantly eat as much of my dinner as I can. Next time, *I* pick the restaurant when Esther and I eat together.
September 21st, 2005 at 9:52 am
Reading this entry in your blog after you left a comment in mine. (Thanks, btw.) Hilarious. You perfectly illustrate something I believe in, and that is, you can be well-meaning (e.g. be a vegan), but still be a lousy human being (e.g. the waiter).
It’s easy to say you’re going to “save the world” (e.g. be a vegan). I mean, hey, that’s great. But instead of pursuing some abstract (perhaps impossible) goal like that, why not start by being less of a jerk to the people around you? The payoff is more akin to instant gratification.
September 21st, 2005 at 10:26 am
So for a minute, I thought this post wasabout your plan for not being single forever (covered in your post “24 Hours: Washington DC”) – that vegans were somehow the new “it” dating pool. Based on the waiter’s behavior, I suppose not. :)
September 21st, 2005 at 3:15 pm
Him: “But you’re not funny.”
Man, so much attitude for someone whose job is to bring you deep fried gluten.
September 21st, 2005 at 5:46 pm
1. It’s like my friend Diane always says, “you can’t be a total asshole to people your whole life and think that everything will somehow be okay for you. Karma may be peaceful, but she’s also a big bitch.”
2. Oh, I get it … fucking vegans. :) But, no, haven’t tried that yet.
3. Exactly. Leave the food on the table, take your attitude with you …
September 21st, 2005 at 6:53 pm
Stolie - You have more patience with waiters than I do. I’d have gone off on him for trying to belittle me.
I’m gonna go back to finishing off my dinner now…
I bookmarked ya!
Peace
TIP: Insult them AFTER you get your food
September 21st, 2005 at 7:42 pm
Must remember .. get. food. first.
Stolie
September 21st, 2005 at 8:09 pm
Reminds me of this one time I got lunch from mcdonalds and was about to eat my fries when I found a roach in the fry carton.
If you think that’s gross, you should see the post I have about “Why is my rice moving.”
You’ll understand why I shun Chineese food these days.
If I don’t know what’s in it, I won’t eat it!
:)
September 21st, 2005 at 10:47 pm
Thats hilarious.
Self-Righteous assholes
not just for hick ville.
-April
September 22nd, 2005 at 12:46 am
The first time I heard the word Vegan I thought it was a term from Science Fiction referring to aliens from a planet in the system around the star Vega.
Hmmm…
Maybe there is a connection after all.
September 22nd, 2005 at 10:30 am
My husband was born in Wisconsin but has lived in IL most of his life. His side of beef always comes smothered in cheese.
My..such attitude from the psuedo-buddhist waiter.
September 22nd, 2005 at 6:12 pm
Yeah, the waiter sucked …
Stolie
September 22nd, 2005 at 6:14 pm
Meh. You should have gone all Russell Crowe on him and beat his ass down and then blamed it on the wellspring of aggression that lives within you due to your years of animal life-force consumption. Or called his manager.
September 23rd, 2005 at 8:52 am
I like your first suggestion better! :)
Stolie Crowe
September 23rd, 2005 at 9:27 am
LOL @ Sid’s suggestion. My friend likes to think she is a vegetarian – not vegan because she could NEVER give up cheese! EVER! She eats McDonald fries, fish and seafood, soul food cooked with seasoned meat and very few VEGetables. During the holidays she sneaks porkt when her mom cooks. Where do you draw the line? My aunt is a vegetarian who eats chicken and fish? Go figure!
September 23rd, 2005 at 9:27 am
While the waiter was a major dick (and not the good kind!), that’s really no reason to berate all Vegans (Buddhists either, for that matter).
I’m Vegan, and Buddhist, and frankly, I would have told him to f##k off as well!
P.S. Your friend Esther doesn’t seem like much of friend to me, seeing as how she took dickwad’s side in all of this. I’m just saying…….
September 23rd, 2005 at 5:22 pm
Oy, how many comments this post hath brought forth! Tell me which restaurant this was so I won’t go there!
September 24th, 2005 at 8:14 pm
1. There are some LOOSE definitions of “vegetarian” out there.
2. Point taken.
3. Esther knows it; I don’t remember.