Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

Happy Christmahanukwanzaa

The holiday season is upon us. (I can’t believe it’s already December; it seems like the summer was only yesterday.) Oddly enough, it doesn’t feel like Christmastime in New York even though all of the signs are here: the Rockefeller Holiday Tree, Macy’s shoppers, bright lights on the Saks 5th Avenue building and others.

To get in the mood, maybe I’ll rent A Christmas Story and Love Actually sometime this weekend. (I should have planned ahead and stuck these babies on in my Netflix queue.) In the meantime, I’ll listen to a few of my favorite holiday songs: “Last Christmas” by George Michael; “Santa Baby” by Marilyn Monroe; “Do They Know It’s Christmas” by Band Aid; “A Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives; “Hanukkah Song” by Adam Sandler; “This Christmas” by Donny Hathaway; “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)” by John Lennon & Yoko Ono; and “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey.

Best wishes for a wonderful holiday season and happy Christmahanukwanzaa Everybody! Coming soon: an update on my holiday festivities.

December 23rd, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [13] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Who’s the Tackiest Couple of 2005?

I’ll preface everything by saying that I don’t usually read Star Magazine. Non, non, non. Pas moi! I have far too much class for that; I binge on People and Us Weekly when I need to nourish my celebrity gossip guilty pleasure. ;-)

Having said that, all of this talk about the MTA strike is depressing me. Therefore, today, we’re going to talk about something on the lighter side of life: tacky celebrity couples. A very brief article buried in the “news” makes mention that Star Magazine polls its readers: Who do you think is the tackiest couple of 2005? According to Star, here are the forerunners:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
Boring. My couch has more personality than this couple. I have never been a fan of Tom Cruise and I don’t like most of his movies. Although he is branching out, he typically picks roles that are simply too safe. How uninteresting. And, Katie Holmes is just plain dull.

Paris Hilton & Paris Latsis
Okay, I thought that it was pretty funny that they had the same name. Sure, I can see how that might have annoyed some people, but I really liked refering this couple as Paris Squared when they were together. But, they broke up didn’t they?

Brigitte Nielsen & Flava Flav
I didn’t even know that there were dating. When did this happen? Are they still together? I don’t know enough about this pairing to make a comment. Whatever the story, this couple scores Cool Points just because I love Public Enemy.

Britney Spears and K-Fed
I admit it: I liked the song Hit Me Baby One More Time. Other than that, there isn’t really anything else that I like about Britney’s Music. Fastlad has a hilarious post in which he calls Britney a “minging chav.” K-Fed’s 15 minutes of fame should have been over exactly 14 minutes and 58 seconds ago.

Star Jones and Al Reynolds
Oh, there are so many things that I could say about this couple. If you have not already, do check out their wedding website. I found it via The Superficial. Which reminds me, if you love sordid celebrity stuff, definitely check that site out as well as the Awful Plastic Surgery site.

Star—the magazine, not Jones—says these five couples take the lead. (The last time that I checked, Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes were at the top of the list, but there’s still time to vote!) What do you think? And, out of curiosity, if you wouldn’t vote for either of the couples above, is there a couple that you think should be on list that isn’t?

December 22nd, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [10] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Insider’s View of the MTA Strike

Yesterday. Workers at New York’s public transportation system, the Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA), call their first strike since over a quarter century ago. If you don’t live in New York City, you might not know what the real impact is on the everyday people that live here. This is where I come in. To better understand the strike, here are three things to know:

#1. NYC is Ginormous. More than 8 million people live within city limits and an additional 13 million live in the immediate surrounding area. That figure roughly equals the number of London, Sydney, Barcelona and Dublin dwellers combined. (NYC’s population is larger than 39 of 50 entire US states; and, remember, it’s just a city.)

#2. NYC = 5 Boroughs. Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, the Bronx and Staten Island create “New York City.” If each borough was independent: Los Angeles would be the only American city larger than Brooklyn or Queens; Chicago only slightly larger than Manhattan.

#3. Subway Culture Reigns Here. New York’s MTA is the largest and most comprehensive public transportation system in the United States. Fortune 500 employees take the subway to get to Midtown Manhattan. High school students take buses to school. Doctors take trains to work, hospitals. Social workers. Holiday shoppers. College kids. Lawyers. Almost everyone rides MTA.

The Result? Well, here is a example: To get to work, scores of people now walk across the 6,000 foot [2,000 yards] Brooklyn Bridge, over a large body of cold water, in 20 F [-6 C] degree weather, just to get out of Brooklyn. Once they reach Manhattan, they still have to walk to work. On another note, supposedly, the city loses an estimated $200 million each day of the strike; shoppers can’t get to the stores and New Yorkers can’t get to restaurants or cultural venues. Do I agree with the strike? I don’t know yet. I support collective action. At the same time, right now, I don’t know enough about the workers’ demands (nor the MTA’s concessions) to choose sides.

December 21st, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [14] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Would you Like Me to Seduce You?

“When it comes to dating, predator or prey?” is the [paraphrased] question a long-term reader, Raymond, poses. To chase or to be chased? Honestly, I think it depends on the situation. However, having said that, I’ll also add that I’m fairly extroverted and I tend to date guys who are slightly more towards the introverted side of things. (Balance is always good.) And, when two people meet, boy / girl / gay / straight / doesn’t matter, it seems that the more extroverted of the two typically makes the first move.

Although I’m far too prideful to “chase” after anyone, I see absolutely nothing wrong with going after what you want … as long as what you want also wants you back. There’s a difference between playful seduction and flat out desperation. We’ve all seen the “Diva Seduces Soft-Spoken Cutie” paring on TV and film: Maureen & Mark (and later, Joanne), Stiffler’s Mom & Finch, Mrs. Robinson & Benjamin, Mark & Gabriel, Samantha & Smith. That’s seduction and that’s hot. Star Jones and Al Reynolds? That’s desperation. With dating, it’s like that discussion that took place on the dominatrix post a short while back: 55/45 power-share good, 90/10 bad.

December 20th, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [12] folks got down with the Funky Brown

From Man Diet to Man Eating

Okay, as many of you know, I have been on a man diet ever since the incident with the panty-sniffing Irish boy. Basically, the point of the Man Diet was to take a break from all of the crazy boys that were crossing my path. Also, I wanted to give myself time to self-reflect and to settle into my new life in NYC. Well, I’ve given the matter some thought and I’ve decided that it’s time to put myself back out there: No More Man Diet.

I started the Man Diet in late September, right? September 27 to be exact. I figure three months is long enough. The Man Diet will officially end on December 27. At that t ime, I’m not going to actively seek out boys; I’m just going to open myself up to the possibility that there may be someone out there. Besides, the new year is almost upon us. I like the idea of starting 2006 with a fresh, new outlook on the whole Dating Scene Stuff.

December 19th, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [14] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Twelve Dudes of Christmas™

It’s hard to believe that Christmas is only nine days away! To spread a little Christmas cheer, I thought that I would sing a Christmas Carol for you all.

I started to write my own adaptation of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, but then I realized that I didn’t have the main character: a true love. You know? “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me yada yada yada.” So, then a brilliant idea occurs to me: why not write a song about my lack of a true love? And, here’s the catch, in the song the “Dating Fairy” can give me twelve different versions of deliciously beautiful true loves. Sounds like fun, right?

It isn’t much, but here we go … [vocal chords warming up] Mi, mi, mi. Do, re, mi, mi, mi. Oh yeah, by the way, I’ll start with the twelfth day so that you don’t have to go through the whole song with me …

[Cue music; tune: 12 Days of Christmas]

STOLIE’S TWELVE DUDES OF CHRISTMAS™ For my twelve dudes of Christmas the Dating Fairy gave to me:
Twelve Michael Ealys
Eleven men with accents
Ten Taye Diggs a-singing
Nine go-go dancers
Eight Chow Yun Fats
Seven guys from the gym
Six packs on their abs
Five HUNKS FROM SPAIN!!!!
Four men who call
Three huge schlongs
Two promises kept
And a Paul Walker look-a-like too.Happy Friday everyone! Have a good weekend!!!

Happy Friday everyone! Have a good weekend!!!

December 16th, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [16] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Sexpert says: “Read My Hips”

Morning commute. I usually either read a book (currently: The Devil in the White City; thanks, dear reader, for the suggestion) or I fill out the Sudoku in the mini-newspapers. Today? Today, I am in a Sudoku kind of mood so, on way to the train, I pick up a free copy of the Metro from a vendor.

I thumb through the pages in search of the game, but the news articles get in the way. “Possible MTA Strike.” Uh-oh. “Funeral Held for Bronx Cop.” Sad. “Iran Leader Denies Holocaust.” WTF?!?! I keep looking. My eyes are drawn to the headline of the article on the top-left column of page 18: Flirting Fanatic. “Ooooh,” I think to myself, “this looks like fun!”

According to the article, Eve Marx, a former editor of Penthouse Forum, recently published a book called “Read My Hips: The Sexy Art of Flirtation.” I’ve not read the book (nor will I); however, from the article, I gather that the author’s new book gives advice that any grandmother over the age of 78 could have given. For example, she says that single people shouldn’t stay in a bar alone after 11:00pm. Why? “If you are [in a bar well after 11:00pm],” she says, “you aren’t looking for flirting at that point. You are looking for pretty hard action.” It’s New York. If it is 11:00pm, most people haven’t even arrived at the bars yet. (Hell, when I am out with friends and it’s 11:00pm, chances are pretty good that we haven’t even left the dinner table yet.)

At any rate, the article about the book gives me inspiration for today’s blog post. “My readers are all pretty funny, hip, interesting and smart. And, as far as I know, they are all under 78 years of age. I wonder what flirting advice / techniques used they would reveal if they were asked?” I’ll start. My advice? Be yourself. Go with what works for you because you are sexiest (and the most comfortable) when you are, well, YOU. Hmmm … what’s your advice?

December 15th, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Turducken & Other Unholy Meats

Yes, folks, behold the turducken!! I’ve only recently heard of this new-ish craze landing on holiday tables near you this season. But, apparently, scores of people have already partaken in the turducken. “What is turducken?” you might ask (as I did). Well, turducken is a chicken stuffed inside of a duck stuffed inside of a turkey. Yes, you read that right: a hybrid chicken / duck / turkey. Cook it. Eat it. Yum!

Although I know a lot of people who seem to know about turducken, I don’t know anyone who has ever actually eaten it. Have you? I haven’t. And, truth be told, I’m kind of afraid to try turducken. Generally, my only Eating Rule is this: as long as it’s not moving, I’ll stick it in my mouth. But, turducken seems a little more menacing, more creepy and more … well … meaty. I don’t know if I can handle that many different meats at one sitting. And, what’s even more disturbing? The site that has the turducken recipe also has a recipe for camlamben*. “What is camlamben?” you might ask (again, as I did too). Well, here’s the abbreviated, mouth-watering recipe:

1 whole camel, medium size
1 whole lamb, large size
20 whole chickens, medium size
60 eggs
12 kilos rice
2 kilos pine nuts
2 kilos almonds
1 kilo pistachio nuts
110 gallons water
5 pounds black pepper
Salt to taste

Skin, trim and clean camel, lamb and chicken. Boil until tender. Cook rice until fluffy. Fry nuts until brown and mix with rice. Boil eggs and peel. Stuff cooked chickens with hard boiled eggs and rice. Stuff the cooked lamb with stuffed chickens. Add more rice. Stuff the camel with the stuffed lamb and add rest of rice. Broil over large charcoal pit until brown. Spread any remaining rice on large tray and place camel on top of rice. Decorate with boiled eggs and nuts. Serves friendly crowd of 80-100.

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* See this site for more information about Camlamben.

December 14th, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [16] folks got down with the Funky Brown