Why Do Women Date Assholes?
Ladies and gentlemen, please gather around your computer screens: today, I’m going to reveal the secrets of Why Women Date Asshole Men (AM). It’s important to know that there are two types of AMs. AM Type 1: Pathetic losers who try to mask their insecurities by putting others down. AM Type 2: Men who believe that the world is theirs. I have a friend who only dates AMT1s. You’d have to look far and wide and for a really long time to discover a bigger loser than her current boyfriend. He treats her like crap. (The jerk even hit on me and he did it right in front of her). She won’t break up with him because she’s probably afraid that she won’t find anyone else. Secret revealed: Women who date AMT1s may have low self esteem. Easy enough.
AMT2s, men who believe that the world is theirs, are more tricky. They date women like, well, um, me. You can’t help who you’re attracted to, right? I’m not attracted to assholes, I’m just attracted to very good-looking, driven, confident, intelligent, (foreign) men. “What’s the difference between an over-achieving / driven / confident guy versus an asshole?” I ask Bro. Her response? “Nothing.” Mags adds that over-achieving / driven / confident guys who aren’t assholes can exist, but it’s rare.
“I think I’m a driven and confident woman,” I confess “but I’m not an asshole.”
“That’s different,” Bro explains. “You’re a woman.”
“So, what you’re saying is this: I only date assholes?”
Mags and Bro switch to Oh-You-Poor-Child Voice, “Sweetie, we thought you already knew this.”
What attracts me to these guys is that they’re driven. It’s like my old boss at my old job. Many people thought that he was an asshole. I loved him because he was the kind of guy that I could go to when I wanted to be sure that something got done. ME: I’m trying to get Project A accomplished, but Roadblock B is in my way. HIM: I’ll take care of it. And, he always did. I think that’s hot. Really hot.
I wonder: am I THAT girl? The girl with the asshole boyfriend? My friends tell me that I am. Bro says that it’s their attitude coupled with the fact that they are really really really attractive. One of my exes was such a beautiful creature that I would actually catch myself staring at him when he wasn’t looking. I tell Bro: I like to look at good-looking men. “So does everyone else,” she says. “And, guys like that know it. That’s why they are assholes.”
I start to panic: Maybe I’m setting myself up for failure; I date assholes and then eventually dump them when they don’t treat me right? But, the weird thing is that I don’t think the guys are assholes when I meet them. I describe them with words like: confident, driven, successful, attractive, go-getter, and brutally honest. My friends use words like: punk-ass, cocky and (of course) asshole. Hmmm … Secret revealed: Maybe women who date AMT2s don’t know that they are dating assholes?
December 8th, 2005 at 7:52 am
Interesting!
I gotta agree with you on thinking the ‘I’ll take care of it’ type as hot. I mean would you rather have ‘oh dear I dont know what to do (I want my mommy)’ type? The way the world is right now, the two extremes are confident driven attractive assholes at one end, annoying clingy whiny mummy’s boys at the other. The distribution is NOT a normal one (NOT a Bell curve), it’s just two peaks on either extreme with a low trough in the middle representing where those rare confident driven NON-ASSHOLE types reside. I could draw a graph to illustrate my point…but I think that’s going into extremes, I think you get the idea!
So my suggestion is (now I am no expert in these matters, believe me so this is merely the way I approach it!) to keep an eye open for that rare creature which resides in the middle of the above-mentioned graph. While doing that, your choice is limited to mummy’s boy or asshole. Take your pick, most of my friends who arent single are with one or the other, so it depends on each individual woman what type they go for. You can keep in mind however that it is highly possible he is merely a confident driven asshole as opposed to a confident driven nice-guy after taking into account the probabilities and the statistics associated with this. Hence keep your expectations low and dont be TOO bummed out when said asshole reveals his true nature.
On the plus side, you get to date a gorgeous guy who is out to impress you and you will have a good time! It is also flattering to pursued by the asshole type.
Thats what I think anyway!
December 8th, 2005 at 9:01 am
It’s gonna be allrigt! Hang tough!
December 8th, 2005 at 11:08 am
I keep asking my younger sister why she dates assholes too? Never do I get a straight answer.
December 8th, 2005 at 11:54 am
In answer to the question posed by the title of your post: Because, as Neil Gaiman put so well in Anansi Boys, they “don’t apologize like a dog that has just messed on the carpet. They stand up and look the world straight in the eye.” Because they’re the types of guys who, when the water pipe breaks at 3 am on some freezing-cold morning, roll up their sleeves without grumbling (much) and fix it. They know how. And they do it. Because they have the one thing that will get you through this mad fucking world: balls. Plenty of balls. Because when the crowd stays seated, bow their heads and nod “yes,” they’re not afraid to stand up and say “no.” Because, like the samurai, they live by a Code. It may not be a code you agree with, but at least they have one, know what it is, and live by it. Because they don’t shy away; they know what they want and go for it. Because, as you put so well, things get done. Because unlike meek men, they don’t compromise. If I had to, I would look someone I didn’t like straight in the eye, and say, “Fuck you. Sideways and often.” (And I have.) They’re not afraid to be alone, if they had to (and sometimes do), because they’re not afraid of their internal dialogue (or the thoughts their minds produce).
Assholes get old, though, because in some ways, false bravado is just one manifestation of low self-esteem, too, and that’s just not sexy. So, as I’ve said before, and I’ll say again, “Be Han Solo.” You don’t have to be an asshole…but don’t be such a pushover, either. Assholes sit at home, eating Tuna Helper and watch ESPN religiously. Han Solo’s marry the Queen of the Galaxy and produce Jedi children. And I like being Han Solo.
December 8th, 2005 at 12:48 pm
Darwin: I totally agree with you on the whole bimodal curve thing. I’m still on my Man Diet and I’m really trying to understand the choices that I make which lead me to date certain men. Whoa … This whole self-reflection, self-improvement stuff is difficult.
Mags: Thanks, lady! :) … By the way, I totally heard NKOTB sing “Hanging Tough” in my head just now.
Tonito Bandito: The answer might depend on which of the two types she’s dating: AMT1 or AMT2. There might be other types as well. It’s just that these are the two I run into most often.
Andy: GREAT comment! Here are my thoughts. (1) Where / who is the guy who marries the Queen of the Galaxy **and** gets things done? (Maybe Darwin–above, not Charles–is really on to something with this bimodal curve thing.) You know? I want THAT guy. The rare guy. (2) You said: “Assholes get old, though, because in some ways, false bravado is just one manifestation of low self-esteem, too, and that’s just not sexy.” Very very VERY well put. I didn’t say this in my post, but Bro had a similar observation yesterday. (3) For the record, I have never, and I mean NEVER, dated anyone who sits at home, eats Tuna Helper and watches ESPN religiously. :-) AMT1s do that. The AMT2 doesn’t sit at home. He’s out at the posh party. He’s sipping fine wines from Argentina, eating expensive cheeses, making smartass comments about the other people present, and he’s ignoring the armpiece date that he brought with him to the party …
December 8th, 2005 at 1:17 pm
Driven people (male or female) are sexy. I think the trick is to find someone who is driving in the same direction that you are going in. Not easy but it can be done. I don’t think we as individuals are compatible with alot of people, so not everyone you meet is right for you. Have fun with them but guard your heart until the right one shows up at a dinner party with his live-in girlfriend in toe, and then spends the night following you around, piercing you with his eyes.
December 8th, 2005 at 4:00 pm
To put it simply: “AM Type 2″ men remind girls of their daddy.
December 8th, 2005 at 5:23 pm
Stolie –
You’re gonna be alright (all right?) little camper! But I have a question: what’s wrong with Tuna Helper? Or ESPN! I like them both!
December 8th, 2005 at 7:09 pm
This post has been removed by the author.
December 9th, 2005 at 12:33 am
goldennib: Driven people *are* sexy, aren’t they?
Anhoni Patel: Hmmmm. I’m not too sure about this. My father was/is definitely *not* an AMT2 kind of guy.
The Original Bro — You asked: “What’s wrong with Tuna Helper?” In a word? EVERYTHING. :)
December 9th, 2005 at 11:03 am
I hate generalizations. There are some men who can be attractive, driven, and confident, without being an asshole. It requires humility, but it is a rare quality for most men to have. That said, its a fine line between being an AMT2 and being the humble, AWESOME guy. I know I tend to spend a lot of time over on the AMT2 side, unfortunately.
December 9th, 2005 at 6:05 pm
Hey, you switched your avatar! :)
I’ll agree with you and add that humility is a rare quality in women as well.
October 9th, 2006 at 7:39 am
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March 17th, 2008 at 3:24 am
Get a grip on yourself. You’re no better then these girls you say have low self esteem. Stop projecting.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
[...] They’re afraid to be alone: Some girls are so afraid to be alone, they’ll date anyone, even a jerk. [...]
August 25th, 2008 at 4:21 am
Well, from a guy’s perspective, a woman that date’s assholes on a repetitive basis is usually rather shallow. The cockiness of an asshole comes almost always from great looks and let’s face it, women are much more choosy when it comes to looks than men are.
They usually know that they are dating assholes they just tend to cover up such accusations with discriptive words such as confident instead of cocky or driven instead of selfish. Assholes also appear as attractive because they are more carefree and less law-abiding. They don’t hesitate in taking risks and speeding 90mph down the highway, throwing toilet paper at houses, doing drugs, etc.. They are more entertaining, they don’t think twice about other people’s feelings (aside from possibly their gf sometimes), and are just able to get what they need to get done accomplished nomatter what they have to do or who they have to step on to get there.
When you look at the normal relationship grabbers for women it looks a little something like this: 1/3 Looks, 1/3 Sexual Performance, and 1/3 Personality. A really stuck up woman may have money thrown in there in place of personality. The Looks and the Sex are the main attention grabbers, whether a relationship that has those going well lasts or not depends on the personality. I assume that personality doesn’t play too large of a role in the beginning because most women feel that they can change it to their liking.
In my own personal experience I tend to avoid any “overly attractive” women when it comes to dating. Commitment is a hard word for them to learn, Jealousy is a word they know all too well, and even if they treat you well they usually treat others like dirt. Besides, I prefer the girl who can freeze time with her smile and doesn’t even know it anyday over the Prissy snobs and I imagine if women would take that same advice and gear it towards men they would find happiness a lot sooner.