Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

Lip-Smacking New Year’s Eve

When I lived in Chicago, I always threw parties to celebrate New Year’s Eve because my place was big enough to do so and my neighbors were great. Now that I live in New York, throwing a big party is out of the question. My tiny closet of an apartment can’t hold more than 1.5 guests at a time. I’m really excited about my first NYE in the city, I’m just not sure what I’ll do to celebrate.

I have to come up with something soon because I think I may have 3 or 4 out-of-town guests coming in to visit. I know Anna-Scarlet is definitely coming in from Louisiana because she already bought her plane ticket. Jerome only lives a couple of hours away from here–in Washington, DC–so he might join us. (The 3 of us went to grad school together.) Also, two friends from Chicago that now live on the east coast, Mags in Boston and Lana in Philly, will be here too. It should be a great group!

I already have a general idea of what I want to wear. A sexy dress in SoHo has been calling out my name for the better part of a month. It’s a shorter, halter version of that dress that Salma Hayek always wears and the store has it available in red and black. Ready to get dressed up, but nowhere to go (and no lips to smack) just yet …

Sooner rather than later, everything worth going to will be fully booked. Although all of my in-town friends want to do something, so far, no one has stepped forward to say, “THIS is what we should all do.” Hmmm … Maybe I’ll place a few calls around this weekend to see who still has space and what’s going on. By the way, what are you all doing for New Year’s Eve? And, to the New Yorkers, do you guys have any advice on places to definitely check out and/or places to be sure to avoid on NYE?

December 9th, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [18] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Why Do Women Date Assholes?

Ladies and gentlemen, please gather around your computer screens: today, I’m going to reveal the secrets of Why Women Date Asshole Men (AM). It’s important to know that there are two types of AMs. AM Type 1: Pathetic losers who try to mask their insecurities by putting others down. AM Type 2: Men who believe that the world is theirs. I have a friend who only dates AMT1s. You’d have to look far and wide and for a really long time to discover a bigger loser than her current boyfriend. He treats her like crap. (The jerk even hit on me and he did it right in front of her). She won’t break up with him because she’s probably afraid that she won’t find anyone else. Secret revealed: Women who date AMT1s may have low self esteem. Easy enough.

AMT2s, men who believe that the world is theirs, are more tricky. They date women like, well, um, me. You can’t help who you’re attracted to, right? I’m not attracted to assholes, I’m just attracted to very good-looking, driven, confident, intelligent, (foreign) men. “What’s the difference between an over-achieving / driven / confident guy versus an asshole?” I ask Bro. Her response? “Nothing.” Mags adds that over-achieving / driven / confident guys who aren’t assholes can exist, but it’s rare.

“I think I’m a driven and confident woman,” I confess “but I’m not an asshole.”

“That’s different,” Bro explains. “You’re a woman.”

“So, what you’re saying is this: I only date assholes?”

Mags and Bro switch to Oh-You-Poor-Child Voice, “Sweetie, we thought you already knew this.”

What attracts me to these guys is that they’re driven. It’s like my old boss at my old job. Many people thought that he was an asshole. I loved him because he was the kind of guy that I could go to when I wanted to be sure that something got done. ME: I’m trying to get Project A accomplished, but Roadblock B is in my way. HIM: I’ll take care of it. And, he always did. I think that’s hot. Really hot.

I wonder: am I THAT girl? The girl with the asshole boyfriend? My friends tell me that I am. Bro says that it’s their attitude coupled with the fact that they are really really really attractive. One of my exes was such a beautiful creature that I would actually catch myself staring at him when he wasn’t looking. I tell Bro: I like to look at good-looking men. “So does everyone else,” she says. “And, guys like that know it. That’s why they are assholes.”

I start to panic: Maybe I’m setting myself up for failure; I date assholes and then eventually dump them when they don’t treat me right? But, the weird thing is that I don’t think the guys are assholes when I meet them. I describe them with words like: confident, driven, successful, attractive, go-getter, and brutally honest. My friends use words like: punk-ass, cocky and (of course) asshole. Hmmm … Secret revealed: Maybe women who date AMT2s don’t know that they are dating assholes?

December 8th, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [16] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Madonna vs. Cher

I can’t believe we’re even having this discussion, but Bro, Mags and I are having a serious debate about Madonna and Cher.

Bro: I don’t know. Who’s more trashy, Madonna or Cher?
Me: (shocked) You’ve got to be kidding me. MADONNA is not trashy.
Mags: I don’t know. I think they are both pretty trashy. Madonna. Cher. There’s really no difference.
Me: I can’t believe you guys think Madonna is trashy. MADONNA!!
Bro: Madonna’s new CD is good. BUT, I’m sticking with my original position. Not only is she trashy, she’s tacky. Remember when she stood outside naked for her sex book?
Mags: Yeah, and Cher always has her ass hanging out.
Me: Madonna is a musical genius. That woman has reinvented herself again and again and again …
Bro: So has Cher. At her last concert, Cher dressed up as someone from the Middle East and rode in on an elephant.
Me: Madonna would never do that.
Bro: Puh-lease. Yes she would. Give her a few years.
Mags: Madonna’s just newer. That’s all. She’s the Cher of our generation.
Me: Cher is like hard rock trashy. Did you see Mask? She’s just like that character.
Bro: That was just a movie. And, did you see Moonstruck? At least Cher has won an Oscar. Madonna’s never won an Oscar. Actually, Madonna was voted the worst actress of the century. I’m serious. She was.
Me: Moonstruck sucked. Desperately Seeking Susan is a more classy movie.
Bro: I can’t believe you just let those words come out of your mouth.
Mags: In that movie, doesn’t Madonna play a woman who’s like … almost a hooker?

The discussion continues. Later, I Google “Madonna vs. Cher” and a bunch of other things to see if I can find a site that compares the two divas. Guess what I find? Apparently, our lovely neighbors to the north, the Canadians, have a site on which you can vote for Madonna and Cher. Basically, the question is something like: Which of the two do you think will leave their mark on the music scene even after they’re long dead and gone? At the moment, Cher is ahead so I strongly encourage Madonna-lovers to vote.

December 7th, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [14] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Rent Heads: Stand Up and Be Counted

It looks like the dark cloud that followed me last week is finally gone. The week is getting off to a good start and things seem to be back to normal. Only good things ahead, I hope. Speaking of good things, I finally saw the movie RENT. It was even better than I thought that it would be! Bro and I saw the play many years ago. She hated it. I loved it. (I bought the soundtrack and I listen to it a lot.)

If you’ve seen neither the play nor the film, here’s the story. Basically, RENT is a modern version of Puccini’s La Boheme. Picture this: a group of friends live the Bohemian life in New York City’s East Village circa 1989. Cast of characters include: Mark Cohen, who documents his friends’ lives with AIDS; Mark’s ex-girlfriend, Maureen, a diva who dumped him for a woman named Joanne; Roger, Mark’s roommate, who is in love with the downstairs neighbor, Mimi; Mimi, the sexpot/dancer that lives downstairs; Benny, the guy who used to date Mimi but is now a bohemian-turned-corporate-sell-out who bought the building in which the friends all live (and is now demanding a year of back rent); Tom, the boy who likes boys who dress up as girls; and Angel, the boy who dresses up as a girl … and looks fabulous doing it.

Hmmm, I wonder how many of you guys are Rent Heads. (Take the test.) Have you all seen the play and/or the movie? How many of you haven’t seen either? Raise your hand if you’ve seen the play but not the movie. Are you planning to see the movie? Okay, now, raise your hand if you’ve seen the movie but not the play. Did the movie inspire you to see the play? And, finally, for those of you who have seen both the movie and the play, I pose this question: which did you like better?

December 6th, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [12] folks got down with the Funky Brown

The Week That Sucked My Ass

Usually, I go about my day, my week, my life and everything’s fine. But, there’s always an occasional day, week, or sometimes even a year when nothing seems to go my way. Last week was one of those weeks. For whatever unholy reason, a dark cloud seemed to shroud everything that I did. I have neither the attention span nor the willpower to relive and retell every aspect of what went wrong. So, for now, I’ll focus on one of the things that pissed me off the most: The Incident with the New Boy.

There’s been a new boy in the mix for a couple of weeks now. I would have blogged about him before now, but the whole thing was so uncertain that I didn’t even know if it was worth mentioning. Also, I wasn’t 100% positive that I wanted to take myself off of my Man Diet just yet. But, at any rate, here’s what happened …

I meet a new boy. He and I make plans to have our first “date.” What happens during that date? Nothing happens because he stands me up; he doesn’t show up. So, he’s a jerk and, unless he honestly wants me to kick his ass and sever his penis from his body, he’d better never contact me again, right? Wrong. He contacts me and tells me this sob story that involves an unexpected crisis that needed immediate attention. He sounds sincere and the elements of the story that I know to be true all check out. Further, up until this point, he’s been straight forward and honest with me. So, I buy the story.

We make plans to have the date on the following day and he calls me more than once to tell me how much he’s looking forward to it. Guess what happens? Yep. He’s a no-show, again. It goes without saying that I will absolutely never have contact with this individual again. For the better part of the week, I was so pissed off that I wanted to fucking scream. Before moving to New York, I’d never been stood up in my life. Now, it’s happened more than once.

This week better go better than last week or else somebody’s gonna get hurt.

December 4th, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [25] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Love Your Boobies

If you came here in search for boobs, boobies, breasteses, you’re in the right place. (If you want to know how to make boobs looks perky, go here.) A short while ago, I discovered this site and I think these are the coolest t-shirts that I’ve seen in a long time. There are shirts for women who have ta tas as well as for men who love ta tas. The line’s owner, Julia, even has a blog about (among other things) her clothing line. For the record, I don’t know Julia personally, I’ve not bought any of her clothing (yet) and I’m not being paid to plug her. Just felt like sharing the site with you …

And, while we’re on the subject of boobs, is anyone else freaked out by the increasing number of women under the age of 30 who are getting cancer these days??? It’s kind of creepy. I now have to use two hands to count the friends, acquaintances and friends and friends who have either survived or succumbed to breast cancer. Not good. It’s all about early detection, so check your boobies ladies.

December 1st, 2005 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [20] folks got down with the Funky Brown