Raymond: You’re honest and that’s exactly why I love you, babycakes!! :)

I guess I seem to look at it as if I have been spending several hours a week with you in a dating situation, and we have the discussion, well I have other things to do with my time, like finding someone else to date. So a lot of times former dating partners become friends with my voicemail, not me.

As far as too nice I have dated women who felt that the things that Mr. R. does (normal respectful behaviour) are being “too nice.” I consider that opinion to be extreme, and my last Ex in particular was a bit well, nuts.

Thanks for the email. I get where you’re coming from. Staying ‘friends’ sounds like a smart decision….if it works. Sounds like he may want more, but if you handle well – and with Mitch’s et als good advice – that sounds possible.

Honesty really is the best possible. Good luck and keep us posted!

For the record, I’ve gone both ways on this. When I’ve been on the receiving end of the friends talk. I’ve walked away when I knew that wasn’t what I wanted from the person. And, I’ve also stayed around when I knew that I wanted to keep that person in my life. The Guy The I Almost Married? I don’t really talk to him anymore. Le Canadien, we still talk, email and see each other when he comes in town.

Three thoughts.

First, friendship isn’t necessarily a consolation prize. Sometimes “let’s be friends” really means just that. Like, this guy? Mr. R.? I like him. I do. It’s just that I don’t have feelings for him in, you know, that way. So, I think it would be great if we could stay in each others’ lives and get to know each other as friends. If he decides that isn’t what he wants, then I’ll respect that.

Second, honesty is the best policy. When The Guy I Almost Married and I broke up 4 years ago, he said that I was his best friend. I told my point blank, “Not only do I not need you as I friend right now, I don’t even fucking want you as a friend. We aren’t best friends, we’re exes.” I said a lot of other hurtful things, but you know what? I was angry. I was hurt. And, most importantly, I was being honest. Sometimes it’s impossible to be friends because one party doesn’t really want that. And, if that’s the case, it’s important to say it.

Thirdly … You mention that you might be “too nice”. This might sound odd, but it *is* possible to be “too nice”. Don’t smack people around or be an asshole, but don’t be “too nice” either. And, what’s “too nice”? Fuck if I know. But, it’s always important to like (and to be nice to) *yourself* more than you like (or are nice to) the other person. So, if you’re nicer to them than you are to yourself or if you’re nicer to them than they are to you, then, I guess that’s “too nice”. Andy once wrote a good post about being Hans Solo. I think he’s on to something.

Hmmm … Maybe I’m too nice to the guys that I date? I might write a full post about this soon. I’d do it tomorrow, but tomorrow is St. Paddy’s Day. Maybe next week …

With regard to being friends; I really dont believe in the “you dont want to date me? ok then have a nice life” thing. Meeting people I can get along with and relate to is quite rare, and I dont want to miss out on the possibility of a great friendship by simply terminating all contact if he’s not interested in a relationship. There is more to life than relationships, and I think that if you do meet someone you can connect with and you enjoy each others company and a relationship is out of the question for whatever reason, that is no reason to deny each other the pleasure of each others company.

Just my viewpoint, sorry if its long.

What I want is a relationship with someone. I’ve had situations that started out as dating, and because of some “buddy vibe” that I seem to give off, the friendship discussion comes up. I’m either too nice, too predictible, not unpredictible enough, not dangerous enough, whatever…point is, she’s just not that into me, so she plays the let’s be friends DVD. Whenever I’ve tried that, eventually we meet up somewhere and she spends the entire f*&king time kvelling over her new guy.

I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT CRAP!!!

It takes me a little longer than five minutes to get over my feelings for someone. So rather than have to sit through a meal listening to her dinnertheatre about everything I’m supposedly not, it’s easier for me to be SOMEWHERE ELSE.

If she’s going to end it, I’d rather she did just that. Don’t offer me a consolation prize. I have no desire for “Honorable Mention.”

Sorry. I’m just seeing a lot of one-sided commentary here and nobody seems interested in how the guy might be feeling in these matters.

At the moment, I only have 2 nonsexual male friendships because guys usually split when they hear the F word: friend.

All of my other guy friends are either exes like Le Canadien or they’re former fuck buddies.

miss anon: I’m actually pretty good about matching words with action. Mr. R and I have been out 4 times and I’ve never kissed him. By the way, I’m really taking your words to heart (”boys can’t be given everything they ask for immediately … make them work for it, so they learn its value”) I’m horrible at playing games; I usually show my feelings (but not my vagina) immediately … And you’re right about the honorable fuckups being the worst kind. At one time, I *did* actually feel sorry for him — even though he’s the one that hurt me.

AWE: You’re GREAT!!! :) I need more male friends like you.

Eddie: Yeah, Miss Anon is brilliant, isn’t she? And, I’m with you on the “Time Out”. I really feel like I need it, so I’m going to take it … About lurker-dom, noooo, don’t crawl back. Stay out here! Play with the other boys and girls. They’re friendly. :)

Stacy: You’re funny! :) I know what you mean. Yeah, this guy isn’t the backup kind, I just genuinely feel that he’s a friend.

Mitch: PERFECT! I’m going to use exactly that sentence: “You know, I’m really glad to have made such a great friend.” Love it. Thanks!

ErikWithaK: I agree with what you’ve said and it seems that everyone is on the same page: straight forward, blunt and outright is the way to go.

Darwin: Ooooh, that’s good. I’ll use Mitch’s sentence and I’ll add the part about not wanting to mislead him.

Pegs: Thanks! :) I agree: tell it to him straight and include the misleading him.

lala: Oh, dear. This is the million dollar question. “How come you only want to be friends if the date went – and I quote – ‘great’?” Okay, here’s the deal. Grab a seat. It’s a long one.

Mr. R’s is a good man. He’s friendly, direct and honest. I enjoy our conversations. He’s older than I am, but he’s constantly growing, changing and challenging himself to do new things. Good, right? And when we go on our dates, he calls if he’s running late, he opens doors for me, he offers to pick up the check, he shares personal stories with me, etc. etc. He’s does all of the right things.

My points of concern? Well … check your email.

But, I think you hit the nail on the head with the “no pashing” thing. BTW, I had to look that word “pashing” up in the dictionary because I didn’t know what it meant. I don’t think we use that word here … Freakin’ Canadians and Aussies, you guys are clever with the whole “English language” thing. ;) But, yeah, no pashing. I don’t feel any desire to kiss him and I don’t want to risk trying it out to see if I could be wrong.