Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

St. Patrick’s Day Parade in NYC

I’ll see you in Manhattan at 11:00am on Friday, March 17. Shall we meet at 44th Street & Fifth Avenue? Near Bryant Park? I’ll bring my friends. You bring your television remote control. It’s time for the St. Patrick’s Day Parade! Folks, turn your television sets on and tune into NBC. Keep an eye out for a boney, little brown woman standing on 5th Avenue. I’ll be the one hoopin’ & hollerin’ and generally making an ass of myself. See me? Yeah, right there. That’s me. Yeah, two people to the left of the blonde chick wearing the “Fuck Me, I’m Irish” shirt.

After the debauchery is finished I’ll return home, change clothes, wash my mouth out with mouthwash, and head to my interview. (Wish me luck!) After that, the remainder of the day involves a fuckload of friends doing embarrassing things in embarrassing places with embarrassing people. Should be fun! I’ll keep you posted.

March 17th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [10] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Smiles Ahead

Did you know that Fake Smiles and Real Smiles are delivered by different parts of your brain? Fake Smiles come from the “conscious” part and Real Smiles are triggered by the part that processes emotions. Wanna play a game that tests your ability to tell the difference between a real and a fake smile? Click here. Now, back to the Funky Brown Chick … Yesterday. It is my lucky day. Starting with the second that I exit my apartment, I receive three pieces of happy news.

Smile #1. A couple of months ago, I feel increasingly stressed out by a situation at my job. (I said “it’s personal” because I never blog about work.) So, to explore other options, I apply for an executive/part-time professional degree program at a prestigious university here in New York City. Weeelll … I got in! This fall, I’ll take evening courses that will put me on the right track to start my own non-profit in a field that I love.

Smile #2. I’m online searching for jobs. And, then, I see it: My Dream Job. Great position. Great organization. Great, possibly, boss. I may have struck gold. I head to Midtown Manhattan to hand-deliver a fresh copy of my resume and cover letter. Chances are slim, but, man you don’t even know … just dreaming of this job makes me happy.

Smile #3. My sister, Sophie, is coming to spend a few days in New York with me next week. No one could possibly have more love for their sibling than I do for my sister.

So, today is a day for smiles and happiness. Tell me, what good things are going on in your world right now?

March 16th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [15] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Men Don’t Like to Hear …

Last night. Oooh, this is a refreshing change. I’m standing at the designated rendezvous point, but Mr. Responsible and I aren’t meeting up for another 20 minutes. Go, Stolie! You’re not only on time for the date — girl, you’re early! This is new territory. Hmm … How should I fill these lovely 20 minutes? I start to wonder, “What do people who arrive for dates early do with themselves?” Then my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number. I figure it’s Mr. Responsible calling from work to say that he’s running late.

I answer the call. “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me.” I know this voice. It’s Boy #2.

I tell him that I have to go because I have dinner plans with Mr. Responsible. He asks me to call him back later tonight if I get in at a decent hour. Goodbyes are said. The date with Mr. Responsible goes great. At the end of the night, I return home at a decent hour. But, I don’t call Boy #2.

Here’s the deal with boys: I think I just want to be alone. The cop is already out of the picture. Boy #2: I won’t call or answer his calls from now on and, when I see him, I’ll act as AWE suggests — cool, calm collected. Mr. Responsible is the tricky one. I like him a lot as a friend, but I’m starting to think think that he might like me as something more. Men hate the word friend. So, in my past, I’ve avoided the “let’s be friends” conversation all together. And, then, once I start dating a new guy, I hit the “friend” with, “hey, you have to meet my new boyfriend …” I know. I know. Not good. So, what’s a kinder, gentler way to tell someone that you only want to be friends?

March 15th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [20] folks got down with the Funky Brown

I Fucking Love My Readers

I hereby declare today “I Fucking Love My Readers Day” at the Funky Brown Chick dot Blogspot dot Com. I’ve been thinking; it’s been a while* since I took time out to thank each of you, openly and properly, for visiting. So, whether this is your first time here or your 182nd visit, this post is for you. (Psst! … Come closer, my little sweet things … The bloggers listed below are the best kept secrets on the internet. Check ’em out and tell them Stolie sent you. They give great blog!) So, now, let the love juices flow with …

Ol’ Faithful. The ups. The downs. The funny posts. The boring posts. You’re here for it all. And, you’ve been here for quite a while (some for months, others for weeks). Chances are, if you have a blog, I read yours too. Maybe we’ve even met or exchanged personal emails. In any case, I fucking love my regular and semi-regular blogbabes: Andy, Anhoni Patel, AWE, Berry, Carlos, Darwin, Dear Lovey Heart, ET, Goldennib, Guri, Hanuman, Jay, Jay,Jay, Jenn, JohnJEnright, Kristin, Lala, Little a, MamaChristy, Mel Chickk, Mint Chutney, Missbhavens, Mitch, Nics, Raymond, Rcknrobin, Sethro, Sid, Surly Girl and Tonito Bandito.

The Unattainable Ones. Technically, you—fastlad and Santino—aren’t “readers”. I read your blogs; you don’t read mine. I’m still honoring you on my reader appreciation day nontheless. Ahhh … unrequited love.

Commitmentphobes / Secret Lovers. You—my dear, sweet, honey-dipped blogger—like to look, but you don’t touch. You read, but rarely (if ever) comment. You are a lurker. And it’s kind of like, you know, voyeurism. That’s pretty hot. Some of you have been kind and sexy enough to include the Funky Brown Chick dot Blogspot dot Com on your blog’s list of favorite links. I get all warm and fuzzy when people do that!! So, I blow lovely air kisses at each of you: Anonymous Ranting, House of cats, Erigby, The Fake Doctor, Fetch me my axe, Hello Like Before, Less than savoir-faire…, LHC and other Writers, The Movie Review Diary, Poppy Cedes, Storytime, The Write Grrl, and Yaszrants. Maybe one day I could coax you to speak up and leave a comment? Just one comment? Maybe, perhaps, maybe … today?

Anonymous Sex Partners. The young and the blogless—Pegs, Mags, Bro, anonymous (the mouse killer), and Miss Anon. I know 3 of you personally, and I’d like to get the know the other 2 better. Have you thought of setting up Blogger Profiles? (Without the photos, of course.)

All right. That’s enough cyber love juices for the day. (I hope I didn’t forget anyone!!) Whew, I’m pretty tired from whoring myself around with all that “I Fucking Love My Readers” stuff. Soooooo … um … was it good for you?

- – - – - – - – - -
I loved this photo so much that I had to use it again. :D

March 10th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [38] folks got down with the Funky Brown

“Nate Berkus is a Bottom”

That’s the latest FunkyBrown Chicky Brown Bomb. (NOTE: First-time visitors, read this post to learn about FBCBBs).

If you’ve ever seen Oprah, you might know her hot young designer guy. Nate Berkus. Well, look at the partial snapshot of my stat counter in the image above. Check out Row 7. See it? That’s a FBCBB. Yep, last week someone Googles nate berkus is a bottom and, for whatever reason, Google sends that inquiring soul to the Funky Brown Chick dot Blogspot dot Com. Why? I have one post in which I reveal my fantasies about Natey, and here is an excerpt:

“[I’m] at the gym and I’m leaning over the water fountain to get a sip of water. I feel someone spank me, once, hard on my ass. I get pissed off and turn around to cuss the person out, but then I see that it’s Nate. I smile … and then I bend over to get another sip of water. But, he doesn’t spank me again. He leans over and whispers into my ear, ‘you’ve been a naughty girl; you haven’t been to the gym in 5 days.’ Here, he places his hand on the side of my waist and whispers into my ear so closely that his lips grace the bottom of my earlobe. ‘Meet me in the locker room,’ he says. ‘I’m going to show you something.’”

It’s just a fantasy; it didn’t happen. And, I try to figure out how in the hell anyone would get “Nate Berkus is a Bottom” out of that anyway, but I can’t figure it out. Google got it right on rows 1-6 and 8 in the image above. Guilty as charged. Yes. I blog about these things. And, yes, we all read the post and then we comment and/or email directly with follow up stuff. But, no cigar on Nate Berkus. Hmmm … In that instance, you’d think that Google would point people to a porn site or two instead of this post, right? Very odd.

March 7th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [8] folks got down with the Funky Brown

What Are Your Oscar Predictions?

Yay!!! It’s Oscartime. To celebrate the occasion, my friend Yoshi is throwing a swank party on Sunday. I’m so excited! I’ll fill you in on all of the juicy details soon. But, before tomorrow’s show starts, let’s share Oscar predictions. I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours. Ready? Here are my predictions for who’s gonna walk home with the top awards …

BEST ACTOR:
Philip Seymour Hoffman, “Capote”
Other nominees: Terrence Howard in “Hustle & Flow”; Heath Ledger in “Brokeback Mountain”; Leaf Phoenix in “Walk the Line”; and David Strathairn in “Good Night, and Good Luck.”

Believe it or not, I’ve seen neither Capote, Hustle & Flow, Walk the Line nor Good Night, and Good Luck. (Life was hectic during the end of the 2005 when most of these films were released.) So, I have to base my opinion on the actors’ previous performances as well as their history in the industry. With that, I predict Phillip Seymour Hoffman is going to take it home. He has been in the industry for over 15 years, and his early movies include: Twister, Boogie Nights and Big Lebowski. Since then, he’s given pretty strong performances in films like Happiness, Along Came Polly and State and Main. He’s a great actor; it might be his turn to win.

BEST ACTRESS
Felicity Huffman, “Transamerica”
Other Nominees: Judi Dench in “Mrs. Henderson Presents”; Keira Knightley in “Pride & Prejudice”; Charlize Theron in “North Country”; and Mrs. Ryan Phillipe in “Walk the Line”

I immediately eliminated Keira (too young) and Charlize (recently won for Monster). That leaves Felicity, Judi, and Reese in the running. This is a hard one, but here’s my prediction … If Capote wins Best Picture, I predict that Felicity will take the Oscar home. BUT, if Brokeback Mountain wins Best Picture that would shake things up a bit because then, politically, I don’t think that the Academy would give a top award to Transamerica too. So, if Brokeback wins best picture, then the Oscar might go to either Judi because, well, she’s Judi or Reese because she sang.

BEST PICTURE
“Brokeback Mountain”
Other Nominees: “Capote”, “Crash”, “Good Night, and Good Luck”, “Munich” , and “Brokeback Goonies”

If this movie doesn’t win, I would be really really really surprised. It’s a great movie on so many different levels and in so many different ways. The storyline is good. The cinematography is beautifully framed and saturated with color. And, the actors give strong performances—though Heath’s is better than Jakey’s. By the way, have you all seen the spoof videos on You Tube? Brokeback to the Future, Brokeback Stooges, Brokeback Hour (Chris Tucker loves Jackie Chan), etc.? Am I crazy, or did they miss the best one ever … Brokeback Goonies: Sloth Loves Chunk! Someone should create it; I would love to see that video. You know that Baby Ruth candy bar? Ain’t nobody’s business what they do with it but theirs …

QUESTION: I’m curious. What are your Oscar predictions? Please use the comment section to tell us who you think will win Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Picture.

March 4th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [7] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Damn Hell Ass Kiddie Party

With a vengeance that would make John Rambo jealous, Sid and I crash a Kiddie Party on the Upper East Side. We didn’t plan to take on the kiddies. It just happened. And, how does something like that “just happen” you might ask? Well, it starts like this …

Sid is my cyber twin. I’ve been reading her blog for quite a while now. She’s funny. Really funny. And, it seems that we have a lot in common. So, for a few weeks now, we’ve been planning to meet. We settle on Tuesday. I show up early, and I’m quite surprised to discover: Kids. Everywhere. Short kids. Tall kids. Skinny kids. Fat kids. Loud kids. And, I mean really loud kids. Actually, now that I think about it, all of those kids are loud. It seems that the meeting place that we’ve picked out is having a Kiddie Birthday Party, and we’ve unknowingly crashed it.

Sid shows up and we snag a table a few feet away from the Kiddie Party. Almost instantly, I know that I like her. She’s the kind of person that everyone should meet at least once in their lifetime: warm, welcoming, and reserved all at the same time. We drink red wine. We laugh. We share stories about bloggers, men, jobs, boys, Chicago, more men, Indian food on Devon Street, more boys, London, and other juicy [but secret] tales. The kids eventually leave the building. (No matter what anyone says, we neither threatened nor tortured them; they left in and of their own volition.) Sid and I leave as well. Before parting, we tell each other that we should make plans to hang out again soon. And, I really hope that we do.

Fabulous BloggerChick Meeting Count: 2 out of 2.

March 2nd, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [6] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Mysteries Are So Juicy

Red wine. Small children laughing and screaming. Tales of sugar daddy hunting. Naked folks. Indian food on Devon Street in Chicago. Sleeping with 60 year-old men. If I weren’t there myself, I wouldn’t have believed it. But, I was there. And, I was there with another blogger. Yes, folks, it’s true. Yesterday, I had my second In-Person Blogger Meeting. The question is: who did I meet? Here is a hint. Below are four sentences. One sentence will be the 1st sentence of tomorrow’s post; the other three are just products of my wild imagination. Guess which is which.

[A] Eating Thai food with the mysterious Fastlad on Christopher Street, we discover that we actually have a lot in common.

[B] When I started reading Grow Some [Testicles], I never thought that I would eventually end up swapping NYC dating stories with Kristin over red wine in Brooklyn.

[C] Sid and I crash a Kiddie Party in the Upper East Side with a vengeance that leaves John Rambo jealous.

[D] Tonito Bandito is the sweetest man on earth. During his recent New York business trip, he carves out time to sit with me in Battery Park; we affectionately shove New York hot dogs inside of each others’ mouths to show off our, um, “techniques”.

Ready? Ok. Use the comment section to place your guess. And, by the way, if you’re one of the four Bloggers mentioned, feel free to play along and keep everyone guessing.

March 1st, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown