Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

How To Make Boobs Look Perky

UPDATE: Don’t forget to check out “panties210: The Underwear Blog“.

Yesterday. Two readers pose one question each: (1) how can you make your boobs stay perky throughout the years and (2) where can you find good bras? As I read the questions, I thought: there ought to be courses that teach womanly things such as “how to buy a good bra” or “killing cramps 101”. Then, I figure: Wait a minute. It’s New York. We have everything here. I open my internet browser and discover two such “womanly” schools: Mama Gena’s and FLOinc. But, neither offers courses on buying bras or staying perk. That’s okay. We’re women; we’ll figure it out on our own. So, let’s talk about perkiness first …

It is indeed possible to stay perky throughout the years. The secret? A good gym. Working out changes your life *AND* your boobs. I’m especially a fan of kickboxing. Now, you might ask, “how the hell will kickboxing make my boobs perky?!” Well, I can’t prove this theory, but … follow me on this one … in general, we know that fat droops & muscle tones, right? Well, boobs are kind of like the fat in front of your pecs. Thus, working out = less fat = more tone = perkier boobs. (By the way, someone posed a similar question to the Fake Doctor, and he seems to agree with this theory.)

Now, let’s talk about finding a good bra. I don’t buy *any* bra that isn’t filled with some sort of padding / contraption / reinforcement, etc. In my opinion, boobs look best when held smoothly in place. A good bra accomplishes this. Also, certain bras make your boobs look bigger, better, perkier, and more voluptuous. For example, I’m a HUGE fan of padded, push-up demi bras. Low-cut, they create a really dramatic look for your neckline, show off the curvature of your boob, and enhance your cleavage. (And, in my experience, men love them.) Demi bras are *GREAT* for women with A, B, or light C cups; I wouldn’t recommend them for heavy Cs, Ds or larger cups. Oh, and, I stay away from Victoria’s Secret. Too expensive. You can find similar bras at cute but low-cost clothing stores. I think I picked up the demi bra featured in yesterday’s post at my nearest H&M.

Call it Girly Girl, Girliehood, or Girl Power—I don’t care; I like it. In my mind, wearing a sexy bra has absolutely nothing to do with being “emotional”. It has everything to do with a belief that women are goddesses and our bodies should be adorned as such. :)

May 30th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [29] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Protected: Best Thing About Being a Woman?

May 29th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | Enter your password to view comments

Well, heeeeellllo sailor …

“Ooooh, look—seamen in the streets of New York City!“ That’s right, folks. It’s Fleet Week. In case you don’t live in New York and/or you didn’t see the Sex and the City episode, Fleet Week is a military tradition. Once a year and for 1 week only, Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard ships deployed abroad make their way back to our lovely city. Ships dock and tons of sexy mofos wearing white uniforms and little white caps on top of their heads come pouring into the streets. They mix, they mingle, they crowd the sidewalks, and they … well, at least some probably do … eventually catch whichever STD is currently raging war against the city’s genitals these days.

Hmmm … I think the whole Hottie-Sailor-in-a-Uniform thing is hot but, oddly enough, I can’t say that I’ve ever really fantasized about getting it on with a sailor. Tonight, Bro and I have tentative plans to go Seamen Hunting. Fret not. There will be no lascivious activities—just a bunch of goofy posed photos with the sailors and a few rounds of free drinks I’m sure. Should be fun … Two thoughts: (1) what are your plans for this weekend? (2) the next bra & panty date is Monday; this time, I’m thinking either the blue set or the green one.

May 26th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [17] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Shut Up And Give Us Mitch!

Usually, this is how it works: I post Words o’ Goofdom here at the Funky Brown Chick; people read them and leave comments to express their personal reactions and/or give advice; and then we all have an interesting little exchange about relevant (or irrelevant) things in life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. Judging from yesterday’s comments … or should I say “the relative lack thereof” … I can only assume that the general sentiment is: “shut up and give us Mitch.” :) Really, it’s amazing; I post *one* Canadian hottie on my blog and the entire landscape changes. I’m not joking. Typically, only 5-10% of my readers are from Canada. Lately, 70 – 90% of my daily visitors are Canucks.

Hmmm … If I’m anything, I’m loyal to my readers. So, here’s what we’re going to do: we’re going to let this Mitch-A-Rama, also known as Hottie Hookup 2006, continue for another day or two. If you haven’t read the original “Why Is This Man Single” post, click HERE to read it. And, to answer the question that a few Maple Leaf Women who contacted me yesterday asked—NO, it’s not too late. Email me and I’ll put you in contact with Mitch. Or, click HERE to forward the original post to anyone who may know a good single woman in Vancouver.

But, I’m warning you people … this will not last forever. Mitch-A-Palooza will officially end on Friday. (Email me before it’s too late.) On one hand, I’m glad that everyone is so interested in Mitch. On the other hand, after yesterday, I must admit that I feel a little neglected. So, yeah, I mean it: this Mitch stuff ends on Friday, dammit! After that, you can either stay here for non-Mitch-related posts or visit Mitch’s blog. I hope you’ll do both. :) Oh, and, for the straight male readers out there … I haven’t forgotten about you. Coming soon: more pictures of bra and panty sets.

May 24th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [17] folks got down with the Funky Brown

A Different Conversation

Whew! Yesterday, I worked myself into a Matchmaking frenzy. I hope that things work out for our favorite Canadian, Mitch, and that he gets at least one great date out of it all. Big huge “thanks” to the women who sent emails, the many Vancouverites who visited my blog, and the American women who lusted after our young Mitch all day long. (Down, girls. Down.) In addition to the public confession of adoration, here are snippets from a few private emails that my lovely smoochie-woochie readers sent me about Mitch: “Man, that boy IS hot!”; “OMG, THAT’S MITCH?!?”; and (my personal favorite), “HOLY CRAP! HE’S HOT AS FUCK! DOES HE HAVE A GAY BROTHER?!” Yep, Mitch lives in the wrong country. But anyway … and, now, for a completely different conversation … Be sure to check out Conversations With Mags & Bro if you haven’t already. It will be gone before you know it; I’m probably going to phase it out soon …

May 23rd, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Why Is This Man Single?!

I want to fuck the man in this picture. I mean, wow!!! Just who is this super-tall hottie?!?! Okay, okay, all kidding aside … I actually know who he is. Well, I don’t *KNOW* him, I’ve just swapped a few emails with him. And, he reads my blog. And, I read his. Ready for this? … It’s Mitch. Yep, one of my long-time readers, the Canadian surfer over at On the Rant Again. I think he’s cute. So, today, I’m the Matchmaker. First, I’ll tell you a little about Mitch. Next, I’ll tell you about the type of woman that The Matchmaker, moi, thinks he should date. And, you? What do you do? Well, EVERYONE should read this entry and make a comment. What you do after that depends on where you live and how adventurous you are.

Every day I get about 100-150 sexy muthafuckin’ daily visitors to my blog, the Funky Brown Chick. If you live in Vancouver and you’re daring enough to go on (or set up your female friend up for) a blind date, email me and I’ll put you in contact with Mitch. If you don’t live in Vancouver, fret not, you can play along too; non-Vancouverites just simply have to click HERE to forward this post to anyone who may know a good single woman in Vancouver.

Here’s what I know about Mitch*. He’s 27. He’s fucking sexy. [Photos: sexy, sexier, sexiest, and yeah baby!] I think he’s like 6’ – 6’3” tall or something like that. He’s community-minded. And, he surfs and does all kinds of crazy active stuff. I get the impression that he likes professional, but fun, women because he once commented the following, “It’s all about being presentable to the office party as a date/girlfriend. At the same time—after the party, behind closed doors, or just out for a night on the town — [it is important to] know how to have a good time.” If you want to know more about Mitch, read his blog. And, since I’m playing the middlewoman here, I want to be sure that I send the right woman his way. Therefore, before you express interest, be sure that you: live in Vancouver and that you’re a petite & athletic woman. (At the same time, anorectics need not apply; it’s good to have curves … in the right places.) Oh yeah, redheads & brunettes get bonus points. So do independent women who are great communicators.

Why am I playing Matchmaker? What’s in it for me? Well, one day while reading a comment that he left on my blog, I figured: you know, he’s a forlorn single man in Vancouver, I’m a forlorn single woman in New York—if I can help him in his quest to score a date (and, who knows, possibly get laid eventually), the Karma Gods might actually smile on me and reward me with a date with a nice & cute NYC guy in my foreseeable future. What goes around comes around, huh? So, come on. Let’s all have fun with this! Email me today if you’re interested in Mitch and/or click HERE to forward this post to a friend. Let’s bond together to help this single Canadian cutie!

- – - – - – - – - – - – -
DISCLAIMER: I’ve never met Mitch in person. Participate at your own risk. And, when/if you do meet him, it’s probably a good idea to do it in a public place where people will hear you if you yell “HELP” … you know … just in case he turns out to be as much of a serial killer as my neighbor is. :)

May 22nd, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [34] folks got down with the Funky Brown

NYC’s Controversial Dating Taboo

In this day and age, everyone seems to think that it’s “okay” for people to date anyone they please. Currently, I have one friend (a woman) who is dating a male-to-female transsexual. In other words, she’s in a lesbian relationship with a person who used to be a man but had sex reassignment surgery to become a woman. And, you know what? That’s fine. To each his (and/or her) own. Does not bother me in the slightest. If anything, I’m happy that my friend has found someone to share her life with; and, moreover, this someone makes her happy. What else could I want for my friend?

But, don’t get me wrong; I’m not as “open minded” as I might appear.

My personal belief is that some people just shouldn’t date. There are real differences between people that just can’t be overcome. You know what I’m talking about … NYC’s last dating taboo: inter-borough dating. Take JP for example. I don’t date people like him. You see, *I* am a Manhattanite. I live in the borough of Manhattan. *HE* lives in the Bronx … or, was it Queens? (Doesn’t matter, same difference.) I couldn’t catch a cab to go to his house and vice versa. It’s too far. We couldn’t even walk each other home after dates. And, what would I tell my friends and family?!?!

Of course, I’m kidding. Well, only slightly. You see, the truth is this … Yes, I live in Manhattan. And, yes, JP lives in the Queens (or was it the Bronx?). None of this bothers me. But, I think it bothered him. When I told him that I live in Manhattan, he freaked out and brought up money. And, not just money, class. I won’t go into details, but I will say this: he assumed that we’re from different class backgrounds and it clearly bothered him. So, apparently, in my effort to stop dating guys like Mr. Big and start dating guys like Steve, I found Berger—a guy who gets freaked out by a woman who might possibly have more money than he does. And the absurdity of it all is, at the moment, I don’t even have a fucking job!!! I’m so up to my eyeballs in debt that I could cry (… and I have on occasion). Just when I thought dating in New York—ahem, excuse me, in Manhattan, apparently—couldn’t get any more ridiculous, it does. Hmmm …maybe I should throw in the dating towel afterall …

May 19th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [23] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Oh, The Games That Single People Play.

I met a cute boy. Not the CuteBoy (he never called … ahhh, Manhattan … I wonder what NYC men actually do with all of those random telephone numbers programmed into their cell phones?!). Anyway, so I met a different cute boy. JP. Last Saturday. Here’s the story … So, I’m standing in front of one of Manhattan’s cultural venues when I notice a cute boy watching me. He’s not staring at me in that psycho-stalker way, but I catch him actively “noticing” me. Our paths eventually cross. Small talk ensues. He’s tall and he’s cute. His name is JP, he is my age, and—although he lives in New York—he’s originally from Europe. He asks me for my number. I give it to him.

The next day, Sunday, I ask my guy-friend Stan, “When do you think he’ll call me?” His answer fascinates me. According to Stan, men time their calls based on women’s looks. Here’s how it works … A woman meets a guy and gives him her telephone number. If the guy is waaaay hotter than the woman, the guy is going to call her the same night that he got her number. Why? In this case, the hot guy is just looking for a trouble-free one night stand from an ugly chick. But, if it’s the woman who is hotter, the guy won’t call her at all. In this case, the guy figures that the woman is going to reject him and he doesn’t even want to bother. (This, Stan says, is why the first CuteBoy didn’t call me.) Now, if the guy and the woman are of equal levels of attractiveness, says Stan, the guy will call the woman within 3-5 days. “So,” I ask, “when do you think JP will call me?” Stan pauses, “That guy? That guy will call you by Tuesday or Wednesday.”

Exactly 3-5 days later, on Tuesday night, JP calls me. I’m out with friends and the call goes to voicemail. He leaves a message; I hear it when I get home. The usual. Hey Stolie. It’s JP. You met me at this place. Just calling to say what’s up. Give me a call when you can. My number is XXX-XXXX. I’ll probably call him tonight or tomorrow. Hmmm … I wonder if his female friends are giving him the kind of advice that Stan gave me: “If she calls you back on the same night that you called her, it means blah. If she calls you the day after, it means blah blah. If she calls you two days later, it means blah bledie blah blah.” I’m not good at this game stuff, but I am curious … Do you agree with Stan? Do you think guys decide when they’ll call based on looks? And, do you think it sends a “message” to JP if I call him back today [1 day later] compared to tomorrow [2 days later]? I have plans tonight, so I probably won’t be able to call him until tomorrow. But, anyway, use the comments section to share your thoughts. I’m genuinely interested to know what the general consensus is out there.

May 17th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [22] folks got down with the Funky Brown