From the monthly archives:

May 2006

What’s Your “Man Style”?

Ok, so, yesterday we talked about the women’s dating styles and which Sex and the City character we thought we most resemble. But, as you know, I absolutely adore my male readers and I do not want to alienate them. Therefore, today, if you’re a male reader, why don’t you tell us which of the guys on Sex and the City you most resemble. Of course, this doesn’t mean that my female readers get to tune out for the day; you can tell us which guy(s) was/is your favorite and why. (Psssst! Every guy that I’ve ever met thinks that all women love Mr. Big; therefore, women who aren’t Big Fans are encouraged to speak up too.)

In case you don’t remember all of them, here are the guys: Mr. Big, Aleksandr Petrovsky, Aidan Shaw, Steve Brady, Harry Goldenblatt, Smith Jerrod, Jack Berger, Stanford Blatch, Anthony Marentino, Trey MacDougal, Dr. Leeds, and Richard Wright. Me? I want to fuck Smith, befriend Aidan & Stanford, and date Steve. In reality, I typically date the Mr. Big’s and the Richard Wrights of the world; but, I’m actively working to change that.

By the way, I looked online for a male version of yesterday’s test, but I couldn’t find one.

{ 33 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

What’s Your Dating Personality?

Saturday night. After Thai dinner, chocolate desserts, several bottles of wine, and a pot of coffee, my friends and I find ourselves huddled around a table for 5 at a local diner at 4am. Topic of discussion? “How do you think you are perceived by the opposite sex?” We take turns sharing our opinions of ourselves as well as our opinions about what others think of our “selves”. I ask Stan for a man’s opinion. According to him, “Stolie, men get the impression that you’re an easy lay because you’re so outgoing and boisterous; but, then they quickly realize that you’re not going to sleep with them and that you’re fun but you are actually a really serious person, too.”

Hmmm … Interesting. I don’t what to think about that just yet.

On Sunday, I have a similar conversation with my friend DJ and his super-fabulous friend Rajit. This time the topic of discussion is: “Which Sex and the City character do you most resemble?” DJ thinks that my personality is like Carrie’s; Rajit thinks that I’m more like Carrie with a bit of Samantha mixed in. To get a professional opinion, I take the test at iVillage. Apparently, the personality test scores me something like: 50% Carrie (curious, witty, quirky); 30% Miranda (cynical, pragmatic); 20% Samantha (bold, liberated, larger than life); and 0% Charlotte. Now, it is your turn to take the test.

{ 21 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Let The Love Juices Flow

Yeah, baby. Right now, I hope that each and every person reading these words is sitting in front of his or her computer screen abso-fucking-lutely buck naked. Why? Because, today is all about spreading L-O-V-E. Get ready to let the juices flow …

As you all know, I love my readers. I’ve had this blog for less than a year, and I’ve already held two Reader Appreciation days—one in November and another one March. What can I say? I honestly think that I have the sexiest readers in the world. And, today, I’d like to give a shout out to four really special people in particular: Nics, Lola, Mel Chickk and Raymond.

First, Lola. [Queue Barry Manilow: “Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl ...”] This fabulous woman recently said amazingly kind things about me—thus bringing my blog to the attention of Moose in the Kitchen. Next, Mel Chickk and Raymond. Pimpin’ update: big smoochy kisses to these two sexy mofos for donating to the cause; although I previously thanked them privately via email, I also wanted to give a public thanks as well. And, last but certainly not least, Nics. [Queue Prince: “I knew a girl named Nikki ...”] This wonderful woman recently journeyed to Italy for vacation. And, while she was away, she sent me a beautiful postcard from the Vatican. What a sweetie!!!

I love my readers.

{ Be first to get down with the Funky Brown }

BREAKING NEWS: David Hasselhoff is Alive!

I have news that may shock the panties and boxers off of your genitalia. David Hasselhoff is alive. My fellow Americans and I remember him as that guy who talked to his car, Kit, in the hit show Knight Rider for 4 years from 1982 – 1986 and resurfaced for Baywatch. We figured he must have drowned because we never heard from him again. But, he didn’t drown. He went to Europe. And, he has released no fewer than 16 albums in the last 20 years over there.

Picture this. It’s the late 1980s. Knight Rider is over; David’s career is in a slump. He isn’t sure what to do next, but he knows that he wants to leave his mark on the world. And, boy, does he. Although Ronald Reagan and the German people claim credit for doing so, it is actually David Hasselhoff who makes the Berlin Wall come crumbling down—thus spreading peace, prosperity, democracy and really bad music throughout Eastern Europe. [Source.] Given this major contribution, Herr Hasselhoff now becomes the darling of the German people. They reward him by buying millions of copies of his albums.

Fast forward to the 1990s. Baywatch. In an attempt to use the show’s popularity to reignite his singing career in the US, Herr David schedules an all-important Pay-per-View concert that promises to be bigger and better than ever. In a twist of fate, that night coincides with another historic event and people who were watching his concert turn the channel en masse to watch OJ Simpson’s white Bronco flee the LAPD police on a California freeway. Fast forward to the 2000s. Just under the radar and ready to blow up at any second, Herr Knight Rider has cameos in a number of box office hits: The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, and Eurotrip. However, his personal life not his career makes the news as he becomes one of the latest victims of Hollywood’s “divorce pandemic”. [Source.]

So, that’s the scoop with Herr David “Knight Rider / Baywatch” Hasselhoff. I must admit that I was a little afraid to tackle this subject in my blog. The last time that I did a “Where Are They Now” post people wondered why the fuck I wrote about Ralph Macchio. And, not to mention, my daily readership fell by, like, 92.5% that day. So, yes, I know I’m taking a risk here. But, I will let absolutely nothing stand between my blog, the truth, and you. Happy Friday!

{ 15 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Oops. Did I Actually POST That?!?!

Okay, to those of you who arrived at the Funky Brown Chick yesterday between the hours of 6:52pm EST and midnight, I want to say this: I’m sorry. Really. I mean it. I was just as terrified and frightened by what appeared here as the rest of you were. So, I guess an explanation is in order, huh? Okay, here it goes … Tuesday night. Sid and I exchange emails. “Hey Sid,” I write. “When are you free again? We should hang out soon!” She responds that she’s free the following day, Wednesday. We decide to meet up for drinks.

Wednesday arrives. At 7:30pm, we grab dinner. Rosemary roasted chicken for Sid, slices of medium rare tuna for Stolie. While we eat, we share wonderful conversations about work, life, love, and New York City. Are you with me so far? At this point, we are still fairly innocent, decent, upstanding human beings.

Fast forward. We’re at Prohibition — an upscale restaurant/bar with great live music. It’s 3:30am. Sid and I have been hanging out on the Upper West Side, and drinking, for almost 8 hours. Between the two of us, our drink total includes: 1 frozen margarita, 1 lemon drop, 3 beers, 2 dirty martinis, 8 French martinis and 3 or 4 chocolate martinis. All hell begins to break loose. I am not going to go into great detail; suffice it to say that our activities for the evening include: 1 nearly-spanked ass; 3 kisses from a US Marine who was on leave from Iraq; 2 falls onto the concrete pavement outside of the bar; kickboxing with a random stranger; and 2 penis gropes.

I’m not sure why, but at some point in the evening Sid and I start a discussion about audioblogging. “It’s so easy,” I explain, “that we could totally even do it right now.” And, because we’re so drunk, that’s exactly what we decide to do. And, if you heard it, you *know* that it was pretty scary …

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Shhhhh!!! I deleted the original post, but you can still click HERE to hear it … Remember to turn your speakers down. Really. I mean it.

{ 19 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

To The One Who Tried to Poison Me

Remember me? Yeah, I’m the woman who ordered the red curry special on my way home last night. Remember? I placed my order before the two guys in the suits placed theirs, but you brought them their food first. I asked you when my food was coming and, well, you got a little lippy. I thought the attitude was unnecessary and I wasn’t happy about it. I let you know it. You brought my food. I went home and started eating it. After using my chopsticks to shovel 7 heaps of food into my mouth, I was on to you. My eyes watered. My nose ran. “That fucking bitch poisoned me,” I thought. But, no … you didn’t. You just made my food so spicy that my tongue almost caught fire. Oh, you think you’re funny, huh? Well, pull that shit again and I’ll bitch-slap your ass all the way to the other side of Manhattan …

{ 18 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Celebrity Sightings in Manhattan

As you may know, Robert DeNiro’s film festival, the Tribeca Film Festival, is happening in Manhattan at the moment. Each day, Hollywood’s elite, other A-listers, and paparazzi photographers descend on the major theaters’ red carpets. So far, my friends and I have seen Halle Berry, Alan Cummings, Lawrence Fishburne, Martha Plimpton, Angela Bassett, Ewen Bremner (Spud from Trainspotting), Annabella Sciorra (she’s short), Lucy Liu (she’s really short), Isabella Rosellini and other celebs. I love film festivals! I’ll keep you posted if I see anyone else famous.

{ 4 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

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