Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

Greetings from The Empire State!

Mind if I complain a little bit? You see, the truth is … I’m a bit frustrated with life at the moment. I seem to be hitting a string of bad luck on the job front. I’ve sent out a ton of resumes, sat through a bunch of interviews, attended networking events, and followed up a gazillion leads. Still, no job. I can’t seem to find the right fit. Either I don’t want them, or they don’t want me. And, quite honestly, I’m getting a little bit pissed off about all of it. And, I’m running out of money. I try to stay positive, but everyone has limits. And there are signs that I’m reaching mine …

About 2 days ago. It’s raining. I am walking along Broadway heading south toward Union Square during rush hour. A group filled with of tourists wearing matching “Sightseeing New York” rain coats is standing in a huddle and they are blocking THE ENTIRE SIDEWALK. They are talking loudly, laughing, looking at maps and generally doing other annoying things that tourists do. And, I swear I even hear one of them say something about the Empire State Building as they point up at the Chrysler Building. “Ooooh, looook! It’s the Empire State Building!”

As I walk closer to them, I try to dart through the crowd. No one moves. I try to fake left, then right, but I can’t get through. Finally, I stop and just look at them. I am irritated. I yell, “Daaaaammit, fucking moooove!!!!” The crowd gets quiet and parts like the Red Sea. As I walk through, I sigh loudly and mumble, “And, that’s the Chrysler Building, not the Empire State.”

I think my repressed anger about the job situation is starting to get the better of me, and I took it out on the tourists. Actually, no, I take that back. I’ve always hated tourists.

June 29th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [20] folks got down with the Funky Brown

The Original Funky Brown Chick Quiz

Okay, folks, it’s time to take the quiz! It doesn’t matter if this is your first time visiting my blog or if you’re a reader who has been reading along since damn near the beginning of it all — this quiz is for YOU. Just click the link and answer the 10 multiple-choice questions from start to finish. Have fun with it; if you don’t know the answer to a question, just pick something random. Most importantly, DON’T CHEAT!!! (No toggling back and forward between my blog and the quiz.) Ready? Okay. Click HERE to take the quiz.

June 22nd, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [18] folks got down with the Funky Brown

The Worst of the Funky Brown Chick

#5. The One Where I Was Misunderstood. I’m kind of a freak about weight; I won’t let myself get over 125 lbs, but I won’t let myself get under 115 either. I haven’t been to the gym in a little while because my schedule is all out of whack with temping & classes. Even still, when I can’t make it to the gym, I walk/jog everywhere that I have to go instead of taking the train. Daily, I get a “work out” in some way or another. So, when I put up the post about my love of the show “The Biggest Loser”, I really meant it when I said “It’s a great show!” Weight loss is serious stuff. Really, it’s not just about conquering the desire to eat a donut; it’s about conquering yourself. Don’t believe me? You should watch The Biggest Loser. During the finals, it’s inevitable that someone’s boyfriend / girlfriend / spouse / family / whatever cries when they see the slimmer version of the contestant, their loved one. And, they never say: “Jim-Bob looks great now that he lost exactly 124 pounds.” They always say something about his/her increased energy, self-love, self confidence, level of happiness, or health. Weight loss is about getting your outside to look like the person that’s on the inside. (Granted, the show is a bit over the top and raunchy; hence, I added, “it’s so bad it’s good!”) But, when one of my readers commented on the post, “What is [it] with our obsession [with] watching losers struggle? Maybe it makes us feel better about ourselves. Well, whatever the reason, [it’s] quite entertaining,” I think my intention was misunderstood. I was going to respond to the reader’s comment right after it was posted but I figured it would take whole post, or a paragraph at the very least, to explain. I planned on doing that, but then I forgot about it until just now when I was scanning my archives to find posts that didn’t work as well as others. So, I guess this is just a really long way of saying what I wanted to say, which is: I don’t think the show is entertaining neccessarily, I think it’s inspiring.

#4. That Time I Gave My Blog to My Friends. Damn Pegs, Mags, and Bro straight to hell for revealing all the secrets of my inner-self!!!!

#3. The Random, Sentimental Posts about Poetry, Books, or Movies. For the most part, I think people come to the Funky Brown Chick to read my impressions of life in New York City and to hear about my crazy encounters with dating & men. So, when I start posting random-ass things about “My Favorite Book” or “What I Like about the Tagline of This Movie”, I think it kind of freaks people out.

#2. The Most Depressing Post in the World. I shit you not, I really thought that I was going to lose all of my readers after I put that one up. I was pretty depressed. I’d just lost my job and I was freaking out about what I was going to do to survive in New York.

#1. Good Ol’ Ralphie. The day that you all arrived at the Funky Brown Chick to discover an entire post about the 1980s star Ralph Macchio, a loud “WTF?!?!” could be heard from all four corners of the world.

June 21st, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [16] folks got down with the Funky Brown

The Best of the Funky Brown Chick

Okay, now it’s really official. My blog, the FBC, officially turns “1” today. Sheesh!!! It’s hard to believe that I’ve blogged almost 270 posts. Some posts have been better than others. Some have been worse. Based on everyone’s votes from yesterday, and continuing this week’s theme of Birthday Celebrations, we’re gonna talk about the good posts today. I was going to do a month-by-month “My Favorite Post” kind of thing, but I decided to lump a couple of months together instead. It’s kind of like “looking back” over the year in posts, 4 groupings at a time: “Four Seasons of the Chicken”, if you will. Sit down and make yourself comfortable because it’s a long one …

Summer: A Hot and Spicy Season. Ahhhh, and so it begins. Welcome to fabulous New York City! To my surprise, the move is anything but easy. After a couple of really hard bumps in the road, I eventually decide to start a blog to chronicle the ups and downs of my first year here. My first post is short and simple. Almost immediately, I start to meet crazy-ass male New Yorkers. And, I write about them. Tony, the Italian boy from Brooklyn who loves his momma, is first. But, even though I’ve noticed that the men are weirder here, I’ve also noticed that they are hotter; I put up a post about how New Yorkers are waaaay sexier than your average American. I also write another dating-related post about the third date rule. Although the blog is now mostly about dating and a female perspective on men, I occasionally blog about more meaty things such as: Would you donate a kidney to a loved one who needed it? My answer: fuck no.

Fall: A Season of Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes. Time moves fast in New York. Within a matter of months: I have a new job and a new roommate; I’m considering moving to London for part of the year; and I’ve sworn off men after an odd encounter with a drunken, panty-sniffing Irishman. But, not everything has changed. Some things never will: I still love film and I still love Paul Walker. At any rate, toward this season’s end, my readers and I collectively pop open the bottles of champagne for my 100th post. Yay!! I did it. Or, more appropriately, we did it. Without you guys, the readers, there would be no blog.

Winter: Celebrate Good Times … And The Bad. We end 2005 together with festively decorated Turducken and 2006 starts off on a good foot. I take you with me when I work in England for a couple of weeks. While abroad, I discover that the Funky Brown Chick is a BoB Award finalist for “Best New Blog”. When I return to the US, I shake things up with a bit of fiction writing. In general, I guess things are going really well in the City. I’m on Cloud 9. We all chit chat via the blog and I talk about how great is it to be single, sexy and 30-something in New York. But, soon thereafter, my world comes crashing down with a loud bang when I lose my job. The unemployment days spark much creativity and, unfortunately, much depression and heartache. Whoever said, “if I can make it there I’ll make it anywhere” wasn’t lying. In New York, the good times are really good. And, the bad times are really bad.

Spring: The Mating Season. The cold thaws and, eventually: it’s spring. And, I’m horny. And, I think this affects my blog because I start to talk about men & women. A lot. We all gather round the Funky Brown Chick to talk about how men don’t like to hear “let’s just be friends” and why women say it in the first place. My female readers talk about the kinds of guys they like and my male readers talk about what kinds of guys they are. We all pitch in to hook up a Canadian Hottie. All hell breaks out: we start rappin’ and throwing up words like gang signs; we Wax the Hoff; I get personal; there’s a bit of semi-nudity; and, finally, I get laid. Yes, folks, my several-month drought recently ended. Although I’m not going to share the details of exactly who / how / when / where, I’ll just say that I hope I get to see more of this kid in the near furture. He’s cute, funny, interesting, and— in case you were wondering — of course, he’s a Euroboy. But, back to the blog …

It’s kind of hard to believe it’s been a full year. Big fat thank yous and sloppy wet kisses to all of you for sticking through it all. Seriously, I mean it. I appreciate your funny comments and supportive advice. There have been times that I’ve flat out laughed out loud about some random thing that someone has posted in the comments section. And, there have also been times that I got a little teary-eyed when I read really sincere & heartfelt words of kindness. You guys are great! I mean it when I say that I’ve got the best readers in the whole world. So, raise your glasses, folks! Here’s to another exciting year(?) of the blog …

June 20th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [18] folks got down with the Funky Brown

The Funky Brown Chick is No Longer a Virgin

Wow! Time flies. Believe it or not, tomorrow I’ll celebrate 365 days of blogging. Yep, the Funky Brown Chick turns “1” tomorrow. It will be my 265th post. If you’ve been reading along for a while, you’ve suffered and enjoyed a few “New York City Firsts” with me. There was my first post, first NYC date, first New Year’s Eve near Times Square, first Manhattan celebrity sighting, first MTA Transit Strike and a bunch of other firsts. Given that I’m a total attention whore who’s always up for a good party, I’m going to extend the “1-Year Birthday” throughout the entire week. I’ll post each of the following to celebrate the past year of the blog: (A) Best of the Funky Brown Chick; (B) Worst of the Funky Brown Chick; (C) The Original Funky Brown Chick Quiz—What You Should Have Learned About Stolie By Now; and (D) The Funky Brown Chick Delight—A Surprise Post. Please use the comment section below to let me know which you’d like to see first.

June 19th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [16] folks got down with the Funky Brown

I Like to Watch

I don’t know if it’s the thrill of peaking into someone else’s life or if it’s just that I’m a dirty girl but … I like to watch. I do. There’s something kind of mysterious and sexy about it. It’s like you’ve got the action going on right in front of your eyes and you’re watching everything happen, *but* no one knows that you’re there. Or, maybe they know that you’re there, but they don’t acknowledge it. I think you know what I’m talking about …

I’m a lurker. Seriously. My Bloglines subscription is fairly long, and I have a couple more blogs bookmarked. I stop. I look. Sometimes I comment; sometimes I don’t. And, because it’s Friday, I thought I’d give you a little voyeuristic peak into a few random blog posts that I really liked this week. Excluding members of the Stolie Nation and in no particular order …

I Heart New York is a classic post, but I think the humor is probably lost on those who don’t live in New York. The blogger, Fastlad, is an Irishman living here in the City. If he posts, I read. He’s witty. He’s political. The kid routinely gives good blog. ya chew it is a post from last week, but I don’t read saskiablog as often as I’d like so I didn’t see it until yesterday. By the way, I don’t miss dropjes (fucking things are disgusting), but I do really miss the Netherlands. Moving right along … Okay so, technically, to keep with the theme I should pick only one post, but I love Pink is the New Blog so much that I can’t really decide which of this week’s posts is my favorite.

Hmmm … what were some of your favorite posts from other blogs this week?

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* By the way, as usual, lurkers are encouraged to delurk themselves; isn’t today as good a day as any? So, if you’ve been lurking on the Funky Brown Chick for a little while now, why not come out and say hi? :)

June 16th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Soccer and Other “Eurofaggy” Things

Maybe soccer needs a makeover. I’m tired of being the only American in love with the sport. I mean, really, how many of you (Americans) even know that the World Cup is going on right now? Fewer than 95 million people watch the Superbowl each year. That’s about 25% of the American population. (And, trust me, we’re kind of like the ONLY country in the world that actually watches it.) By comparison, if you take the entire US population and times it by about three, that’ll give you the number of World Cup soccer watchers. Approximately 1 billion people watch the World Cup. That’s 1 out of every 6 people on the planet. It seems soccer is huge in every corner of the world except the US. And, I think I know why …

Your average American thinks soccer is “eurofaggy”. I’m not joking. Throw the word soccer out to a crowd of American guys and images of little 5-year olds in knee pads will dance through their heads. The consensus seems to be: wimps play soccer. And, it doesn’t help that the sport’s most recognized star is “a little blonde guy with a high-pitched voice who is probably gay”.

But, there’s hope. What we, us, the American soccer fans need is a super-fabulous all-American star to make the sport sexy. Steve Prefontaine did it for track and field. Tiger Woods did it for golf. Lance Armstrong did it for cycling. Really, no one in America cared about the Tour de France until Lance started winning it. Soccer needs an American hero. He has to be single, cocky, attractive (but not too attractive, not a pretty boy) and he has to win. He has to win a lot. Then, maybe, people would care.

Hmmm … on second thought, maybe Americans just need to get over the whole “eurofag” thing anyway. It’s obviously ridiculously homophobic and stupid. And, besides, I think most of the things that people call eurofaggy are actually really really great: vespas, Saabs, anti-war protests, wine, brie cheese, and pronouncing the word “quesadilla” like “KAY-SI-DEE-YA” instead of “KAY-SI-DILL-LA”. So, yeah, your proud eurofaggy soccer-lover is right here baby! ;) Bring it on; today, I predict Spain, Tunisia, and Germany will win …

June 14th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [17] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Where R U Going 4 Vacation?

What trip would you like to take this summer if you had a bit of time to get away? This is the topic that consumes my friend Joy and me over two slices of chocolate cake last night. She’s back in New York. Before last night, we hadn’t seen each other since we randomly met up in London a couple of months ago. “Have you lost weight?” she asks. I tell her that it’s possible; I’ve been stressed out lately. She seems worried. “You need to get away,” she says. “You need some time to decompress. When’s the last time you took a vacation?” I pause to think about it and I’m shocked by my own response.

“The last time that I took a vacation that didn’t involve business travel or visiting a family member was … I don’t know … I guess it was that trip to Hawaii in summer 2003.” Joy frowns. “That was 3 years ago.” I tell her that I have an open ticket to anywhere that Aeromexico flies. I have to use it before October / November of this year. She tells me that I should go sooner rather than later, for my own sanity. The conversation evolves and we begin to talk about dream trips for this summer.

I’ll probably go to Mexico. I’d hate to throw away the free ticket, so I should probably look into getting that arranged. Besides, because I could stay with my friend, it’s actually cheaper to spend a week in Mexico than it is to remain in New York for a week. Hmmm … Do you have a summer vacation planned? Where would you go if you had a bit of time to get away?

June 13th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [21] folks got down with the Funky Brown