Full-contact sport. n. sig. [ 'ful 'kän-"takt 'sport ] Physical contact between two or more players who aim to render their opponent(s) unable to finish the match. Players execute all techniques at full power. Injuries are common. Examples of full-contact sports include: kickboxing, karate and … um … well … dating.
As many of you know, I kickbox as a means of working out. And, I swear there are so many parallels between kickboxing and dating that it’s actually kind of frightening. So, when did dating become a full contact sport? For example, in kickboxing (as with dating), you always want to be sure to anticipate your opponent’s move. Never leave yourself unprotected. You have to perfect your own moves (hook, uppercut, roundhouse, etc), but it’s equally important to know how to block your opponent’s.
Technically, no one gets their ass kicked in dating*; the wounds and injuries are just emotionally inflicted. People get hurt. How many of you have given your phone number out to someone that you thought was absolutely gorgeous only to have that person eventually and inexplicably stop answering your calls? Has anyone ever lied to you? Or, how about this: have you ever slept with someone only to have that person never call you again? Have you stayed in a relationship for a bit longer than you wanted to—only to have the whole experience drain the lifeforce from your body? How about those nasty breakup arguments? Has anyone bad mouthed you to their friends, or worse yet, to yours? Has anyone ever cheated on you? It’s hard out there. And, everyone blames the other party. The general consensus seems to be: “I’m going to kick your ass!” Well, not really. It’s more likely that it’s something like: “I’m not going to let you kick my ass.” Because somewhere deeply within and between the emotional walls, everyone seems to be a little afraid of getting hurt. Again.
Last night. I have a 2.5 hour conversation with my friend, Lady D. Most of the conversation centers on my dating life in New York and her dating life in her city. We’re both kind of tired of it all. We talk about alternatives. Is it time for another Man Diet? And, exactly how do you know you’re not a lesbian if you’ve never tried it? Will we be single forever? The discussion indeed goes on for hours. At the end of it, I tell her, “You know, I don’t need to be married; I just hope another committed relationship / boyfriend comes my way in the not too distant future. It’s not natural to be alone. Really, it’s not. People need people.” So, why is dating so hard? And, when did we all become roadkill on the Dating SuperHighway?
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* Well, technically, I guess some people do get their asses kicked. But, dating & domestic violence are such sad sad topics that I’m not even gonna touch that here.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
i think its hard because people “read between the lines” to much and they just assume things. now a days people dont ask how u feel about me? they just assume stuff that may or may not be true. second alot of people date just so they arent alone.some people are afrais to be alone so instead of spending time by yourself to get to know u and what u want in anrelationship they just keep going from date to date wondering why there having such bad luck.
I don’t know why people find dating so difficult or are so scared about what other peopel think about them.
Just relax, consider it as a nice evening with a person you like ….and if something happens it will and if not maybe next time.
Heck i haven’t been dating for such a long time I should stop talking trash :P
*kicks FBC’s ass* ;)
Dating isn’t hard, in fact it is easy. Finding your mate is the hard part. Using kickboxing as an example, when you go for the knockout you leave yourself vulnerable.
By the way, the comment above was me.
Dating is hard because while some people just take things as they come, others expect everyone else to be able to read them and their signals (talking about a friend’s experience). I mean, people usually aren’t upfront about attraction until they get to know each other quite well, but how are you supposed to read someone else whom you’re barely getting to know? You end up either distancing yourself so you don’t put in more than the other person or you go all out and fall flat on your face when nothing works out. Obviously this doesn’t happen every time, but I’ve seen it happen to my friends so often… and it’s stressful for them (personally have not found anyone remotely interesting for myself yet).
Sheesh, this is just sad!! :o( Mostly sad because, 6 months ago, I asked myself these very questions. I guess the only thing I can say is that it won’t always be this way for you – you WILL find someone.
There is someone out there for everyone. Maybe you already know him – you just don’t know it yet. When people told me that, I’d laugh in their faces, knowing I’d NEVER met anyone I could see myself being with forever, and then out of nowhere comes this amazing man I’d met once 3 years prior. Stranger things have happened…
Keep your eyes and heart open. In the meantime, you are more than the most fabulous being just single you. :o)
I’m so sorry that you are having such a tough time of it. Dating, while it can be fun, can also be incredibly frustrating and depressing. I don’t have anything to add other than to agree with Amyd:
You are wonderful the way you are.
I agree with a previous poster… dating should be fun, not exhausting!
have you ever heard the song Love TKO by Teddy Pendergrass? that is what this post reminded me of
And I have to agree with D. I wish all of my dating experiences could be classified as fun – but as we all know, it can really suck!
Thought it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t put ourselves out there anyhow!
Jax: YAY!!! I love meaty comments. Sheesh, I could use a whole post to write about everything you touched on, but I’ll try to be (somewhat) brief:
1) I agree. And, I think the reason people “read between the lines too much” is because so many people are, shall we say, “less than honest”. Women and men are equally guilty of this. Women, raise your hands if you’ve ever had a guy string you a long because he simply didn’t have to balls to just come out and say, “I’m not that into you; leave me alone.” He expects you to guess; he expects you to get the point and/or read between the lines. Likewise, fellas raise your hands if you’ve ever asked a woman “what’s wrong?” and she answered “nothing” in a tone that clearly indicated that something was VERY wrong. She just wasn’t telling you. You, too, are expected to get the point and/or read between the lines. Communication is difficult. And, it would make everything a whole lot easier if everyone was just a bit more fucking honest.
2) Totally agree. Loads of people are afraid to be alone. This is not a good thing; everyone should spend time getting to know who they are and what they want in relationships. If I’m being honestly, I’d have to say that I think I’m pretty good about doing this. I haven’t had a boyfriend since Summer 2004. And, before the recent fling with Euroboy, I hadn’t been laid in almost 9 months. Having said that, I’ll add this: I honestly don’t think it’s a good idea for people to be “single” forever. In modern society — if you live by yourself in a big metropolitan area and your family isn’t nearby — it’s possible to go weeks (or, indeed, months) without anyone actually touching you. That’s just not healthy. (The movie Crash touches, no pun intended, on this theme — albeit on a somewhat shallow level.) Human beings are living things. We need to be touched; people need people.
3) Hmm … I know plenty of people (present company included) who go from date to date and wonder why they’re having such bad luck. Hell, there was even an entire television series about this: Sex and the City. It’s my life. Welcome to New York. :)
Papigiulio: Interesting point. I’ll probably ponder this the next time that I’m in a conversation about dating woes in the big city. :-)
AWE: You know what? You’re right. “Dating” in and of itself is actually really easy. It’s even fun. The hard part comes when you get past all of the surface stuff and brush up against the deeper stuff with people that you actually really really like.
kypris: I totally agree. The “signals” thing is totally unnecessary.
AmyD: Ohhhh, I didn’t mean to be sad. Just honest. And, THANK YOU for the sweet, “you are more than the most fabulous being just single you” comment. I appreciate it.
MamaChristy: And, thank YOU for the “you are wonderful the way you are” comment. You guys are all so nice!!! I LOVE MY READERS!!!!! :-)
D: Most of the time it is fun, but it can be exhausting as well. I’m just getting a bit tired of the games …
Dear Lovey Heart: OOOOHHH!!! That’s a blast from the past. GOOD ONE! :)
Mitch: Indeed it does. And, yeah, I agree: we have to still put ourselves out there.
“So, why is dating so hard? And, when did we all become roadkill on the Dating SuperHighway?”
This is getting very Sex and the City – only without the sex! We want Stolie’s Steamy Sex Stories!
And of course I’ve slept with someone only to have that person never call me again. I’ve even slept with people and then pretended not to recognise them. That’s the whole point of one night stands!
Ok so I have a question in response to Jay. Why do people have one night stands and why don’t people just think this is gross? Obviously, I personally think it’s gross to share body fluids with strangers. Is it hedonism? Do people have one night stands because they feel good and this precludes thinking beyond anything in the present moment, is it societal pressure? This has confused me for years.
STOLIE DO A VICARIOUS POST!! Put it in your own words I’m sure you’ll make it so much more interesting!
Jay: Oh, sweetie, trust me … I *WISH* I had “Stolie’s Steamy Sex Stories” to share.
Anonymous: Okay, okay, I might do a post on this topic in the future. But, I warn you … I’m not grossed out by sharing body fluids; I think it’s quite, um, pleasureable. Hell, I’d certainly like to swap fluids with Zidane and I don’t know him. :)
And, by the way … Please don’t use the word “gross” when referencing something that one of my readers has written. I adore all of my sweet little darling readers; and, Jay is one of my personal favorites.
[INSERT SHAMELESS PLUG FOR HIS BLOG]
Awww Stolie hun, don’t worry – I’m not offended at all. But thanks for the plug! And um, Zidane? -refrains from making obvious joke about giving good head-
Anonymous: I don’t think there is really any need to (over)analyse the motives behind one night stands. Most of us who do it, do it simply because it’s fun. You meet a guy, you’re attracted to each other, you have sex. You have no intention of picking out curtains or exchanging house keys, but that doesn’t preclude the possibility of having a great time (hopefully). It’s just a physical activity that makes you feel good – like a massage, with a ‘happy finish’ :-p
It’s not about low self-esteem, it’s not about damaged childhoods, and it certainly isn’t about societal pressures.
I guess not all of us believe that two people need to be in love before they can be in bed.
Hey, I’ve been meaning to do it for a while. I just linked to your world cup survival guide in my blog. Zinedine Zidane is HOT btw. Pippa
Jay: Very well said.
parnellpr: THANKS for the link. And, yes, Zinedine Zidane *is* hot. Hands off; he’s mine!
hey, Stolie: where do you do kickboxing? do you actually learn it as a martial art, as in self-defense? ’cause i’ve been interested in that; so far i’ve only seen kickboxing as a kind of cardio workout.
I do it as a cardio workout, but the instructor who teaches it also teaches martial arts.
If you’re interested in the self defense / martial arts side of KB, there’s supposedly a really good place on the west side but I don’t know the name of it. :(