I’m the FBC, And I’m Running for President
If this is Wednesday, then I must be running for President. A few days ago, the topic of discussion that my friends and I share over wine, chili dawgs, and dessert is: “If you were to run for public office, what would your platform be?” Hmmm, I think to myself, let me think about that one for a moment. And, so, after a couple of days of deep thought about the subject, I’ve come up with a platform of sorts because, well, I clearly have waaaay to much free time on my hands. So, in case you’re interested, here’s my “For the People, By the People” platform.
#1. A “Boy” for the People. I appoint Paul Walker “The National Boy”. How cool is that?! World leaders introduce themselves to him as “Prime Minister”, “King”, “Queen” or “High Grand Pumba” of whatever. And, when they ask Paulie what his job is, the conversation goes something like this:
King of Spain: So, who the fuck are you?
Paul Walker [sticks left index finger into right ear to release trapped ocean water]: What?
King of Spain: Who the fuck are you???
Paul Walker: Um … I think I’m just … you know … [sticks hands in air and makes “air quotes” with fingers] … ‘The Boy’.
King of Spain: What does a “Boy” do?
Paul Walker: [giggles, smiles.]
#2. Wellbeing for the People. Universal healthcare. For all.
#3. Beauty for the People. People like to look at beauty. Beautiful buildings. Beautiful people. Beautiful places, things, objects, and concepts. Therefore, I would make *ALL* major policy decisions (and political appointees) based solely on one question: would this make the world around us more beautiful?
#4. Bling, Bling for the People. Higher Taxes. Yep. You read that right. I’d raise taxes and spend the money on infrastructure. Reinforce the levees in Mississippi, Louisiana, and other vulnerable states. Upgrade the public utilities system so that blackouts are less common. Etc. Etc. Etc. Hell, I’d even run a few PSAs to show off all the wonderful developments that I have in the works. Each PSA would end with the camera zooming in on my smiley, happy face saying: “Yeah, cuz that’s what ya motherfuckin’ taxes are supposed to pay for, bitches! Woot! Woot!”
So, what do you say? Do I have your vote? And, tell me: if you were to run for public office, what would your platform be?”
July 26th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
I’d vote for you simply on the basis of Paul Walker!
If I were to run for office I’d have a system where people who wish to have kids need to apply for a breeding license. To qualify they would be required to prove their financial ability to cope with the cost of bringing a kid into this world, including education costs etc. Oh and a compulsory IQ test thrown in too for the would-be parents!
July 26th, 2006 at 1:13 pm
Can you run in Canada instead?
July 26th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
I’d vote for you because I have seen you in your underwear.
July 26th, 2006 at 2:15 pm
Ahahahahaaaa! Damn, that’s some funny shit!!! Oh man…I can’t stop laughing.
My platform would be right next to yours. :o)
July 26th, 2006 at 2:16 pm
You are a fucking genius! Or, wait, are you a genius at fucking? Either way, I’m all for Stolie ‘08! Bring on the boy, the healthcare, the beauty and the tax dollars going for something that doesn’t murder our wonderful military personel on a daily basis!
July 26th, 2006 at 6:48 pm
For healthcare and taxes, I’m thinking you might be quite happy in Canada. However, just based on Paul Walker alone, it’s not worth leaving. ;)
July 26th, 2006 at 7:45 pm
No more blackouts? You got my vote!
July 26th, 2006 at 9:11 pm
Ooooh can I be Monica?
Either way you got my vote, sweetie
MUA!
July 26th, 2006 at 9:31 pm
Can’t say I’m with you on the taxes thing. We ALREADY collect taxes for infrastructure. How about using the funds properly, for that which they are intended?
As for my platform, I have long advocated a licensing board for spandex & lycra, much like what Darwin suggests for breeding.
As you know, Stolie, I also think all people should be temporarily sterilized at puberty. Then, if you prove to Darwin’s board that you can be a good citizen and parent, e.g. emotionally and financially support your kid, attend parent-teacher conferences, show up at a t-ball game or two, then we’ll reverse the surgery. This idea offends Stolie greatly. Maybe her readers, too. It’s just an idea. No one has put me in charge of the world yet.
July 26th, 2006 at 11:05 pm
I’d make heterosexuality illegal.
July 27th, 2006 at 1:44 am
Darwin: Yeah baby, it’s all about Paul Walker!!! :) And, about the breeding license … you’re too much!!! :)
Mitch: If the Canadians will have me, sure, why the hell not? I love maple syrup *AND* I know the opening words to the Canadian National Anthem.
AWE: Thanks, sweetie!! :)
AmyD: Glad I put a smile on your face. :)
MamaChristy: I’d like to think that I am both. ;)
Jill: I love Canada!!! :) It’s a beautiful country. At the same time, the US is (and probably always will be) my home. And, besides, we’ve got PAUL WALKER down here. How could I leave that?
Mel Chickk: Woot! Woot! The votes are rolling in!!! :)
Raymond: Oh, but I already have “The National Boy” for that. ;) THANKS for the vote.
Pegs: Okay, two thoughts. First thought Silly me, I thought our taxes were paying for the war. ;) Second thought … Believe it or not, I agree with you to a certain degree. Many people are parents who, quite simply, shouldn’t be. And, really, who doesn’t want better parents in the world? I’m just not convinced that sterilization is the answer. And, it’s not because I think it’s “offensive” because I don’t. I simply think it’s a bad policy idea that has already been tried and tested in a variety of contexts. And, in almost every instance, it has been abused. I can’t really think of a case in history where a state that had the ability or authority to regulate population didn’t abuse that power. The blind, mentally ill, gays and lesbians, ethnic minorities, women, the deaf, and the poor are usually unfairly targeted. So, considering this unambiguous track record—at best, reinstituting the sterilization policies would be in extremely poor taste; at worst, it smacks of eugenics, questionable motives, and superiority complexes among people who think there is only one proper way raise a child.
[NOTE: I’m pretty passionately against the sterilization stuff. For readers out there who want more info on the history of population control and compulsory sterilization in the US, google Harry Hamilton Laughlin and Charles Davenport or check out this somewhat recent story from MSNBC.]
Jay: And, that’s exactly why we love you. :)
July 27th, 2006 at 6:16 am
Hey now,
The President always needs a little on the side.
Which is why I am expecting GWB to implode any day now.
July 27th, 2006 at 8:49 am
You’re funny! :)