It’s Just Dating. It’s Not Like It’s Life or Death, Right?
When it comes to dating, I always feel like I turn right back into that insecure little junior high girl who worries what the cool guy thinks about her. Take the Scandinavian dude, Sven, for example. We’ve been out on four or five dates now. And, I like him. He’s kind, funny, charming, nice, sweet, and a bunch of other really drippy, saccharine things. (And, let us not forget, he’s a cutie pie.) Everything is going well. Very smoothly. No complaints. So, you’d think I’d be all cool, calm, and collected about the whole thing right? Wrong.
If you talk to anyone who has heard me talk about Sven lately, they’d probably tell you that I sound like someone doped up on Crazy Pills. “Okay, so, after kissing me at the end one of our dates he said ‘I love this’. What does that mean?! Does that mean he loves the location? Kissing? Hanging out with me? What?!?!!?” Also, I read too much into things that are probably completely meaningless. For example, during our last date — after I slip and accidentally call him “sweetie” — he stops, looks at me, and then the discussion continues. Me? What do I do? I instantly have an internal freak out. “Wait. What the fuck was that??? He just stopped and stared at me for, like, 3 whole seconds. What does that mean?!?! Does it bother him that I called him sweetie?!”
Obviously, I’m a nut. Why can’t I just relax about dating? … Um … wait … I guess I don’t mean “dating” because … you know … it’s not like Sven and I are “dating”, we just “go out on dates” a lot … And, you know, I like him but we’re not exclusive or anything. I mean, I don’t think we are … We haven’t talked about that. It’s too early, you know? … But, it’s not like I’d mind. … you know … being exclusive and all. But, I’m not even sleeping with him. Yet. I mean … I definitely want to but I don’t think that we should unless we’ve decided to be exclusive … because, you know, I think there’s like relationship potential here. Kind of. Maybe. I hope there is. You know what I mean? Dammit!!!! What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!? Is anyone else out there this neurotic when it comes to dating? And, by the way, Bro says women are more neurotic about this stuff than men are; is she right???
July 31st, 2006 at 1:50 am
Stolie, Dear,
I love you to pieces…MUA!!!
But I’m going to knock you out now…
You need to think about next year when you’ve been dating a whole year and well…
Or at least file these micro-freak-outs until you are away from him.
July 31st, 2006 at 4:07 am
Also, I read too much into things that are probably completely meaningless.
ME TOO!!! Holy cripes, that’s all I ever do. Then I totally weird myself out that either I AM reading too much into things, or I’m definitely missing out on something, or…yeah. Hi. I jump to conclusions.
Can anyone tell me how to think somewhat normally (read: sanely) into things concerning the opposite sex?
Muchos gracias
July 31st, 2006 at 9:20 am
Raymond: Oh, but, Sven never sees the micro-freak-outs; I save those for my friends.
K: I only wish I knew the answer to that. Oddly enough, the less I like a guy, the more normal I am about the whole thing. The more I like the guy, the more I turn into a total nutball. I’d like to think that guys freak out this much too; hmmm … maybe they’re just better at hiding it …
July 31st, 2006 at 11:08 am
There’s nothing wrong with a little neurotic freak-out…every now and then. :) And it makes sense that the more you like a guy, the more neurotic you become, because if you didn’t like him, then you wouldn’t care what he thought, right? (and that goes for all folks!) But I still wanna know if GUYS do this. I know they don’t all go out to breakfast, Sex and the City-style and break down the previous night’s date in detail…but do they ever share their neuroses?
ps: I think I just became more neurotic by writing this! :)
July 31st, 2006 at 11:27 am
Stolie! I’m right there with ya. I know the neurosis. (The Genius ;))
Ok so I’ve finally run into a guy that I really like but the neurosis has run amok with me. He’s also not helping the situation. He’s a complete sweet, GORGEOUS (my friend was even commenting on the beutiful skin – he looks like a world cup soccer player – ok so you get that I’m into him and I have no sane judgement left) but he vanishes for 2 or 3 days. He won’t answer the phone or anything, and then he’s back like nothing happened. During the 2 or 3 days I get totally neurotic. We’ve only been hanging out about a month now, so I keep wondering if he’s disappeared for good and I’m completely nuts — you don’t have to tell me twice.
Any guys understand this? Help?
July 31st, 2006 at 12:02 pm
When I am apart from someone I like I catch myself wondering what they are doing at that time. Like if I am at work and something reminds me of her I wonder if she is thinking of me or has been thinking of me.
When we are together I just let stuff happen and never over-think it. I have used and heard the “L” word way too early in a relationship and it has been a slip. Sometimes things just come out from habbit and I just let them roll off of my shoulder.
Calm down and let it happen.
July 31st, 2006 at 1:20 pm
Yeah…I am TOTALLY the same way!!! I’m constantly thinking…what does that mean? That look…what did that mean? When he said I can’t wait to cuddle with you during the winter cause you are always so warm…what does that mean? Does that mean he sees us together then or was he simply just saying that to say that I’m super warm? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Frustrating as all hell isn’t it?
July 31st, 2006 at 1:52 pm
Funny, Cameron and I had this conversation just last night.
We decided that we are just having fun and if serious stuff comes along then it’ll be a nice addition to what’s been going on between us.
Stolie, you are a beautiful, intelligent woman (The intelligent part is what is analyzing). Go with the flow. Sometimes people just say stuff to say it and have no meaning behind it.
Have fun for these first few months!
…or as the lyric goes in one of my favorite Beautiful South songs, “Let love speak up itself/Let it rise up in the morning and take us for that walk/Let it do the talking when we’re too tired to talk”
July 31st, 2006 at 1:52 pm
i totally understand your why did he say that/what did that mean? mini-freak-outs. happens to me all the time – that’s why i hate pre-official-dating phonecalls (that space of time where nothing’s lacking, save an actual definition of ‘us’). you put down the phone and spend the rest of the day/night analysing what was said, why it was said and all the various possible ways of interpreting what was said. it can get very bad sometimes. that’s when it’s absolutely necessary to find a friend, go to a bar, drink a few cocktails and explain everything all the way to the last t. not that that stops the analysing, but at least there’s drinks, an interested (and/or exasperated) listener and eyecandy to boot. then again, now after writing all that, i realized that’s kind o’ half the fun, right? calling up your best pal and asking all those questions that make no sense at all and yet make absolute sense. i think it’s part of that whole murky thing other people call ‘excitement’ – i mean, it’d be quite boring if you didn’t have anything to think about…
July 31st, 2006 at 1:59 pm
Stolie, dear, you are so wonderful and confident in so many ways, but it seems that thinking of yourself as a great catch in the dating pool isn’t one of them.
Try thinking of it this way (and this goes for you, too, K and anonymous and Kelly): He is the one who is lucky to have you in his life! You are so worried that he’ll leave and not like you that it’s hard for you to see that if he does, it is HIS loss. If he can’t see that you are not only freakin’ beautiful, but smart and fun and driven and so many other things that I know you must be, then he doesn’t deserve you in the first place. Better for him to be a dick now when you’ve not wasted a year of your life on him.
If he doesn’t like you calling him sweetie, then he should say something. It didn’t seem like he freaked, was maybe just surprised, but that is who you are. Never ever be afraid to be yourself because you are fabulous. Mwah!
July 31st, 2006 at 3:52 pm
I agree with everyone, there’s nothing wrong with a little neurotic freak-out and everyone does it at some point, especially if they like the person. No worries!
July 31st, 2006 at 5:53 pm
Increasingly Neurotic Bro: I don’t know. Part of me thinks that guys *DO* freak out as much as we do but they’re just better at hiding it. Another part of me just can’t imagine Le Canadien calling up his boys and saying, “Hey Bob, I saw Stolie the other week. We out for dinner and at the end of the night she said, ‘thanks for dinner’. What does that mean?!?! Did she actually enjoy my company or was she just really hungry, poor, and enjoyed the free meal?!”
The Genius: Okay, I’ve TOTALLY had this happen to me before. I call it “Le Disappearing Act.” In the past year, I’ve finally developed a Zero Tolerance policy toward it. Besides, my guy friend MD swears that guys only “disappear” when they’ve got another woman. Also, take it from me, you gotta watch out for those GORGEOUS guys. I’ve had a pretty severe Hottie Addiction for many years now. But, I’m slowing weaning myself off of it … Having said that, I’ll add: Sven Johånn Låårssøn is a hottie. So, who knows … in a couple of months (or weeks, or days), I might be putting up a post about how he’s pissed me off in some way. I hope not. I’d like to think that I’m getting better at picking men. And, I’m raising the bar on what types of behaviors I will and will not put up with from the other sex.
AWE: You do the whole “what’s she thinking?”. That’s cute. What a sweetie!!! :) [By the way, don’t freak out because I’ve called you that.] Anyway, yeah, I sooo need to take your advice and just “let it happen”.
Kelly: It’s the classic case of “be the romantic that reads absurdly mushy stuff into everything” *OR* “be the play-it-safe pragmatist that takes everything extremely literally. So, when asked what does, “I can’t wait to cuddle with you during the winter cause you are always so warm” mean … The romantic answers, “it’s a sign that the guy really likes you and wants to share physical and emotion warmth”. The pragmatist answers, “it means the guy is too fucking cheap to pay for heating!!” ;)
Howard: You said: “Funny, Cameron and I had this conversation just last night. Ooooh, sounds like you guys figured out the key to deciphering the madness — communication. By the way, thanks for saying all of that great stuff about me. :)
Firefly: You know, you’re right. Part of the funny is chatting about all the goofy stuff with your girlfriends.
MamaChristy: Oh baby, you know me too well. My sister gets on me about this all of the time. I’ll say that I think a guy is cute. She’ll say, “Then go talk to him.” I’ll usually freak out and say something like, “Are you kidding me??? That guy is gorgeous!!! I’d be way too nervous.” She’ll say, “Did you ever think that he’s sitting over there thinking the same thing about you?” My answer? “No. I never think that.” So, yeah, you’re completely right; I totally approach the dating thing with an, “I hope __ likes me” attitude instead of a “__ should be lucky that I like him” attitude. I don’t know where I get it from. I’m sure it doesn’t help that Sophie was always the “pretty” sister when we were growing up. I always just felt like the dorky little sister that wanted to be just. like. her. And, not to mention, I’m sure that it didn’t help that she always lovingly called me “fat” and “curvy”. Anyone my size or larger was, in Sophie’s eyes, “a big girl.” HINT #2: So, yeah, if you’ve ever wondered where my so-called “fatphobia” comes from, well, there you have it.
Mags: Where have you been?!?!?!? PUT DOWN YOUR MARIJUANA AND FUCKING CALL ME, WOMAN!!!!! :)
July 31st, 2006 at 6:38 pm
I think the amount of neurotic freaking out depends entirely on the person, and not the gender, but I have noticed that guys tend not to show it as much. I definitely have to make myself not read too much into things, and make sure some of my friend’s don’t either because one in particular blows everything up to epic proportions and then panics.
August 1st, 2006 at 12:35 am
Agreed. :)
August 1st, 2006 at 12:43 pm
You sound exactly like what I am, when it comes to a guy I really like. Its usually how I figure out for myself how much I like the guy. Because I’m usually pretty indifferent about stuff, so if I actually pay attention and overanalyse things it means there is potential with the guy and I haven’t written him off as a moron/jerk yet!
That said, this phase of a relationship, where you guess to yourself and drive yourself batty…it’s actually quite exciting, and makes you feel alive don’t you think? I mean it beats being bored and taking each other for granted! Reading the stuff you wrote about it actually makes me miss feeling like that.
Goodluck either way though! He sounds nice enough so far.
August 1st, 2006 at 4:19 pm
Thanks!! I’ll definitely keep you posted on how things develop.
August 2nd, 2006 at 2:41 am
I think he is right. Just relax and go with the flow. I was a bag of nerves when I first got with the swinger friend. Now,I am much more lade back.
August 2nd, 2006 at 9:04 am
I’m trying to be cool about it all. Bro witnessed another mini freak out yesterday, but I’m okay now.
August 3rd, 2006 at 11:59 am
Oh my….I’m not sure HOW I missed this post, but thank goodness I saw it today! My dear, you have simply GOT to chill the fuck out. Hahahaa!
All these thoughts in your head? They are occuring because for the first time in a long time, you have found someone you could see yourself being with (at least for a while), and that’s scary as hell. But like a rollercoaster, you get on it, knowing it’s going to be fun, without thinking, “Oh my God, did I not put my seltbelt on tight enough? Is this track wet? Am I gonna die? Is the operator on speed? It seems like he might be on drugs. Oh my God, I think I have to get off…” Nope, you just get on and go with it, and always end up loving it and having a great time. Unless you are one of those “afraid of heights” people, and in that case, I totally just freaked you out even more. ;o)
So my advice to you? Call him sweetie. Loosen that belt a little. ENJOY the ride. You deserve this more than anyone, and I’m SO happy to hear you just might have found someone that fits. *sigh*
August 3rd, 2006 at 6:01 pm
THANK YOU sweetie!!! :) Yeah, I’ve chilled out a bit more since the first time I posted this. We’re going out, again, this weekend. So, I’ll probably post updates for you all …