I Almost Killed a Man Yesterday
I’m walking home from my low-paying temp job. I’d make more money if I moved to Bangladesh and whored myself out for sweatshop labor, but that’s beside the point at the moment. Right now, I’m tired. I’m hot. I’m thirsty. And, I’m hungry. I’m very hungry. But, I don’t need a big meal because I’m having dinner later. I just need something quick. Something to tide me over. That’s when I see “Mr. 45-Year-Old Hot Dog Cart Guy”.
Yay!!! Perfect! That’s exactly what I need: a $1.50 hotdog and a nice, tall, plastic tube of $1 icy cold water. It’s the best $2.50 that any New Yorker could ever spend. Woot! Woot! I’m so excited. I get in line behind a group of 3 barely-dressed pre-teen girls. Mr. 45-Year-Old Hot Dog Cart Guy stares at them so hard that his eyeballs almost pop out. I swear I think I actually see him drool a little bit. This, of course, pisses me off because—although they’re dressed like mini sluts—they’re still children, they’re girls. They pay Mr. 45-Year-Old Hot Dog Cart Guy $1 each for their hotdogs and leave. Now it’s my turn. “Hot dog and a water,” I say. Mr. 45-Year-Old Hot Dog Cart Guy obliges, but he fumbles a bit because he’s craning his neck to look at the children as they walk away. I look at him and add, “ketchup and mustard.” More obliging, more craning. He gives me my dog (with ketchup and mustard) & water. I give him $20. He gives me $16 change. Four dollars. He charged me $4. I go totally apeshit.
“What the fuck are you charging me, huh?!?! Where’s the rest of my fucking change?” He looks stunned, so I repeat. “Where. Is. My. Fucking. Change.” He stutters and mumbles something about counting, but I’m not listening. “You just charged the girls, the mini sluts, the pre-teens $1 each for their hot dogs.” Mr. 45-Year-Old Hot Dog Cart Guy looks embarrassed. I continue, “And, I may not be dressed like a whore and I may not be underage … but I want the rest of my fucking change.” He fishes two round quarters out of his plastic cup and gives them to me. That’s $16.50. He says the hot dog is $1.50 and the water is $1.50. Even if true, that’s $3.00 and he still owes me 50 cents. I stand there arguing with him for a bit longer. It gets ugly. I eventually calm down once I realize that I’m threatening to kill a man over $1. It’s the little things, you know? I can handle the low-pay temp job. I can handle the heat. I can handle the fact that some young girls dress like prostitutes. I can handle New York. But, I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some 45-year-old pedophile screw me out of $1.00.
August 2nd, 2006 at 9:50 am
I would have gotten my money back and left.
August 2nd, 2006 at 10:07 am
Everyone has their standards and you stood by yours. Good for you. I hate saying this but one of the other Monkeys and I play Spot The Pedophile at one of the local malls where the 2nd level overloooks the children’s play area. At first it was interesting to spot them and then I realized there were more at times than I was comfortable with. Like more than one on occasion. It’s strange. And since there aren’t any thought police (yet), you can’t tell if they are honestly enjoying the mirth below or if they have something a bit more socially icky in mind. I rarely look up there anymore.
I had an opposite side of the counter stupid human encounter Monday night that I wrote about last night, too.
August 2nd, 2006 at 10:56 am
it must be the heat, but i’ve been feeling irrational lately as well. I’d kill a lecherous pedophile for a dollar.
August 2nd, 2006 at 11:46 am
What a perv. He let them get hot dogs for a dollar so he could watch them sluttily eat their weenies and whack off to it later.
I would have helped you bury the body.
August 2nd, 2006 at 2:04 pm
That is revolting. I could have lived with it had you been charged the same amount, but I would have done the same thing you did.
We are attracted to what and whom we are attracted and I have no problem with that. I take strong issue with anyone preying on others (especially children) to satisfy that longing.
If you see him again, when his back is turned you should put a bumper sticker on his wieniemobile- “Registered Sex Offender”
August 2nd, 2006 at 2:13 pm
A New York Moment!
August 2nd, 2006 at 2:13 pm
I know you kept your “Bush is a punk-something-or-other” bumper sticker. Why not use that one?
August 2nd, 2006 at 2:38 pm
This is why I LOVE to read your blog! Give that sicko what-for!
August 2nd, 2006 at 4:45 pm
Maybe we can just blame it on the heat. Hahaha!
That, and the fact that sicko pedophile man DESERVES to be put in his sicko place that way. And I already know you are way hotter than those pre-teen wanna-be-hookers were. Sheesh…
August 2nd, 2006 at 5:25 pm
I’m glad you actually told him off for what he was doing… told him off as in ‘got really pissed off at him’ because maybe one person getting mad at him won’t stop him, but hopefully enough people like you will eventually knock some sense into him (yeah right). And yes, make sure you get your money! Who knows how many others he’ll try to cheat…So go Stolie! Besides, someone looking at them (the young girls) and not you doesn’t have his head screwed on right either ;)
August 2nd, 2006 at 5:53 pm
I would’ve gone medieval on his ass too. No way am I less desirable – and therefore less worthy of a discount – than a bunch of slutty pre-teen girls.
August 2nd, 2006 at 6:35 pm
That is hillarious! I’d have done exactly the same. Good on you!
August 2nd, 2006 at 8:36 pm
Howard: SERIOUSLY. I know the mall. And when I take my son, I’m seriously paranoid about said folks. If you go often enough to Germ Breakfast, you can see the regulars.
Ack.
August 2nd, 2006 at 11:09 pm
I emailed Paul Walker and he says he’ll be waiting in the trailer at the Women’s Prison after you kill the guy.
August 3rd, 2006 at 12:23 am
AWE: That’s such a good idea! If I’d thought of it at the time, I probably would’ve done just that.
Howard: DISGUSTING!!! Man, next time you go there, ask security to go walk by the guy(s) drooling over the kids. Maybe it will give them a little bit of a scare … Oh, and about being the opposite side of the counter, let us not forget that I had a young punk-ass kid drool over my titties on the subway earlier this summer.
Distar: You said: “I’d kill a lecherous pedophile for a dollar.” It’s official; you’re a New Yorker! :)
Anita: Yeah, the guy was a real asshole. THANKS for letting me know that you’d help me bury the body … I’ll seriously keep that in mind the next time that I go apeshit on someone.
Laurie: Oooooh, I like the bumper sticker idea!!! :)
Berry: This kind of stuff only seems to happen here …
Pegs: The bumper sticker says: George W. Bush Is a Punk Ass Chump. It looks like this; yep, I still have it. :)
MamaChristy: Thanks, sweetie!
AmyD: Yeah, I swear the heat is making me a little bit belligerent. I probably would have been mad anyway, but the heat certainly didn’t help matters.
kypris: THANKS!!!
Jay: And, as I’ve said before, that’s exactly why I love you.
Darwin: :-)
hotdrwife: Ewwww! So, you know this mall, too?!?! Seriously, you guys should alert security and/or tell the people who run the mall to install cameras over the playground if they haven’t already. Wasn’t Adam Walsh taken from a mall?
Raymond: Oooohh … don’t encourage me. You know I’d do ANYTHING to see Paul Walker face-to-face.
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