Welcome to the Live S-x Show!
At MamaChristy’s request, I’ve decided to write an entire post about my adventures at a live s-x show in Amsterdam. But, fret not — this post is completely safe for work. How? It’s easy. All you have to do is remember a few things: (1) people who prance around and remove their clothes are called “dancers”, (2) men have “snakes”, and (3) women have “caves”. Got it? Okay. Ready? Here we go … Rewind a few years … Back to when I was living in Amsterdam. But, before we get started, the first thing to know is that Amsterdam is an absolutely beautiful city that tells two stories. One story is for the Dutch. The other is for the tourists. The Dutch story is about impressive architecture, yummy cheeses, great painters (Van Gogh, Vermeer, and Rembrandt are all Dutch), pretty tulips, and open social policies. The other story, the tourist story, is about whores, drugs, and the Red Light District. So, when friends from the US come visit me, they usually want to experience one story or the other. For example, when Bro visits, she wants the Dutch story. When Maria visits, she wants the tourist story. For now, let’s talk about Maria’s visit because that’s the one with the dancers, snakes, and caves.
It’s a weekday evening. Maria and I are walking along one of the streets of the Red Light District, and she sees a sign that says “Live S-x Show!!!!!” (Yes, it’s written in English. Remember, this is the tourist story. The people who own the clubs know this; so, they don’t even bother to write their signs in Dutch.) So, we approach the man at the door and he tells us, in English, how much it costs to see the show. I tell him, in Dutch, that I think that’s a ridiculous price. He cuts our price in half. We pay and go in.
The place is really dark. Up front and center is a stage, and no one is on it yet. We grab two seats on the bench near the back. Well, they aren’t really “benches”. They’re more like wooden church pews with really really high backs. When seated, you can barely see over the pew—the seats are too high to see into the laps of the people sitting in front of you or in back of you; and, it’s too dark to see into the laps of the people sitting next to you. So, the show starts. Lights on the stage (but nowhere else).
In walks this cheerleader. She’s a dancer. She’s really pretty. She does her dance for a while and then she leaves. Next, queue the racist p-rn show with a grotesquely fat black dancer. At the end of her ridiculous “thing”, she does the banana trick. What’s the banana trick, you might ask? Well, she peels a banana and sticks it deep into her cave. Next, she invites guys from the audience to come and eat it. The guys say things to her in English with American, German and British accents. Again, this is the tourist story. I don’t think there are any Dutch people here. Anyway, so, now, the dancing is done and it’s show time!
In walks an Asian woman who isn’t wearing a shirt. She’s being following by a white guy dressed in a$$-less chaps. The woman is cute enough; but, the guy isn’t attractive. Nope. Not at all. “If I just paid money to see *THAT* man’s snake,” I think to myself, “I’m gonna be pissed!” Call me naïve but I thought, you know, if you’re gonna charge people money to see a live s-x show, the guy should look as hot as Paul Walker and the woman should look as hot as Halle Berry. Otherwise, why am I paying money? Hell, if I wanna see two ugly people getting it on, I can just spy on the neighbors for free. But, back to the couple on stage … Most of the people here are guys and they’re here to see the woman. And, see the woman they do because, although the guy’s snake enters her cave a few times, that part doesn’t last very long. His snake is too, um, “squashy”. So, to fill the time, he does acrobatics with the woman. He spins her around upside down so that everyone in the audience can see a close-up view of her cave. When it’s done, the couple exits. Music plays, but the lights don’t come on.
Was the experience worth it? Yes and no. No, because the guy was ugly and he couldn’t keep his snake “at attention”. Yes, because it’s one of those experiences that just doesn’t happen everyday; and, I think you have to do things like that every once and a while so that you know you’re still living—even I it involves watching an ugly man stick his snake in a dancer’s cave in Amsterdam.
August 15th, 2006 at 7:57 am
Oh that sounds so cool! I’d soo have done the same if I had the chance. I almost went into a strip club with friends in Dublin once. I say almosy because see the thing is, it was with 5 guys and I wasnt sure I’d actually have any fun myself, I mean watching 5 friends getting lap-dances might be fun for the first 5 mins but would get a little lame soon!
If only I had girl-friends with a bit of sprit and adventure like you do!
August 15th, 2006 at 8:52 am
Awwww, thanks!!! :)
And, yeah, I probably wouldn’t have gone to a strip club with a group of 5 guys either. Where’s the fun in that??? … *BUT* if it was a group and men and women and we were all out looking for fun and someone suggested a strip club *AND* one of the guys in the group promised to lap dance me later for sh-ts and giggles … well, okay, THEN I would have gone. ;)
August 15th, 2006 at 9:33 am
I’m sorry the descent was as scary as the movie and the snake on his plane was cold and asleep. You just know they are going to make a porn called Snakes On A Plane.
Anyway, I’m glad you like to have experiences. I’m the same way. I’ve got a story in my queue about the night I went out to a couple of strip clubs helping a friend celebrate his last night of bachelorhood. I saw more caves that night than I have seen collectively my entire life.
August 15th, 2006 at 10:55 am
Awesome! Or awesomely bad? What a great story, in any case. Those crazy dutch people – eating their bland food and putting on sex shows.
Thanks for sharing it with us!
August 15th, 2006 at 11:52 am
Howard: That’s too funny!! And, that reminds me … the movie opens this weekend. I’m SOOO excited!!! :)
MamaChristy: Anything for MamaChristy. ;) You asked for the story and I gave it to you.
August 15th, 2006 at 1:41 pm
Damn, this story with all it’s “kid-friendly” language makes that movie “Castaway” seem SO much more interesting… Hehehe!
And can I just say that if I’d been there with you (and how I wish I had been…), I would have pissed my pants laughing when that guy’s snake took a nap. How unbelievable. Ugly AND erectily-disfunctional…
August 15th, 2006 at 2:26 pm
Ewwww … I sooo *HATE* that movie Castway!!! If it weren’t for the plethora of movies starring Vin Diesel, Castaway would easily be the worst movie ever made!! Screw the package. I don’t care about whether or not he delivers the package. The package sucks. That movie is like Lord of the Flies — but without the Lord or the flies or the blood-hungry kids. It sucks!!! Sorry … got carried away there … but, I *REALLY* hate that movie. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, the show. We started off giggling, but the guy to the right of us was “playing with his snake” and he made it very clear that he was NOT amused. So, Maria and I eventually stopped and just resorted to pinching each other when the really funny parts came.
August 15th, 2006 at 3:17 pm
Thanks for sharing! This is fascinating stuff. I would have been all into it. Too bad about the ugly guy with lamesnake disease but it was an adventure and I’d do it in a heartbeat….see the show that is, not have sex on stage….
August 15th, 2006 at 5:12 pm
Interesting, but I think you should go and ask for your money back!!! Or make the ugly guy get a “stage fright” insurance!!!
Havn’t been to a sex show, ever.. so I can’t see the difference btwn a porn movie and a sex show..
August 15th, 2006 at 8:07 pm
Thank you.
I can now scratch that part of the trip off the list.
August 15th, 2006 at 10:43 pm
laurie: Yeah, watching people have sex in front of other people is one thing, having sex in front of others is something else entirely. I’ve never done the later, and I don’t think that I ever could. Who knows …
momok: I think I prefer porn.
Raymond: You’re taking it off of your list??? :)
August 15th, 2006 at 10:58 pm
Work safe through the magic of metaphor!
August 15th, 2006 at 11:25 pm
I might go. But would think people would be saying the same thing about Amsterdam as they say about Vegas.
August 15th, 2006 at 11:54 pm
JohnJEnright: :)
Raymond: What happens in Amsterdam stays in Amsterdam? ;)
August 16th, 2006 at 2:36 am
I’ve come to realize, I’m pretty damn boring. I would go to a show if I ever had the chance though. I am so glad I can at least live vicariously through you! More stories!!
August 16th, 2006 at 7:03 am
If it’s more stories you want, it’s more stories you’ll get. Maybe next week, I’ll do a post about recent odd situation or weird adventures.
August 17th, 2006 at 11:22 am
Hahahaaa! I HATED that movie (Castaway), too. Went to see it in the theater, and halfway through, the projector (I’m not kidding) MELTED the film, and it was like a needle ripping off a record. We sat and waited for them to put it all back together again, and after the movie, I told my friends who were there with me that the part where the film melted and jerked to a stop was definitely my FAVORITE part. See? If I’d been using your “kid-friendly” language, it might have been a little more appealing to me. Hee hee! ;o)
August 17th, 2006 at 2:49 pm
:)
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:26 pm
[...] to live in “the greatest city on Earth” he would’ve moved to New York. Or, maybe, Amsterdam [...]