Arghhhhh!!! I never thought it would happen, but it has. FEBO has left the Netherlands, traveled across the Atlantic, and is washing up on American shores. It’s true; a FEBO-style restaurant has hit New York. What is the FEBO? Well, to understand it, you kind of have to break it down into two parts: the food and the fast restaurant that sells it. Let’s start with the food — kroketten. To make a kroket, I think you: (1) take chicken, vegetables and other crap; (2) stick it in a blender until it’s all a heap of pulp; and then (3) spoon it out, mold it into the shape of a turd, stick it in batter, and deep fry it. Sounds delicious, right? Well, as if that wasn’t appetizing enough, let me tell you about the fast food restaurant that sells them.
Actually, wait a minute. I should proablaby back up because, when most of you hear that word “restaurant”, you’re likely to picture a building, a counter with several servers, tables, chairs and four walls. FEBO has none of those things. It just has a wall. ONE wall. (Say the phrase “eat from the wall” to a Dutch person and they instantly think of FEBO.) Anyway, the wall is subdivided into a bunch of small metal compartments with a heating lamp on top. On the front of each compartment is a small window that lets you can see the kroket inside. To get it, you put round quarters or dollar bills in a small slot next to the kroket that you want, push a button, and open the small trap door. It’s like McDonalds meets the vending machine.
I’ve only eaten at FEBO once, mind you. Rewind a few years. I’m visiting Amsterdam, and this absolutely gorgeous Dutchman that I’m dating at the time wants to stop at FEBO to get a quick bite to eat. We both get kip (chicken) kroketten from the wall. But, when I bite into mine, the inside is green. I tell Gorgeous Dutchman, “um, I picked chicken, but I think this is like vegetable or spinach or something. He looks at it, takes a bite, and says, “No. That’s right. That’s chicken.” I’m confused so I say, “Um, but it’s green and mushy.” To this, he only replies, “Stolie … it’s FEBO.”
Bad food. I don’t like to put it in my mouth. Just out of curiosity, do any of you have any bad food stories? Have you ever been to a restaurant and the food was beyond terrible? Did someone cook a nasty meal for you? Feel free to share your stories in the comment section.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
First, I LOVE the title of this post. And this FEBO you speak of sounds like something I’d eat just to gross my friends out.
It’s *REALLY* popular in The Netherlands — people actually eat there.
I saw the BAMN store last weekend when Sid and I were walking to Crif Dogs. Who knows … the idea just might catch on in New York and they might turn out to be highly successful.
Me? I can’t do it. Call me old-fashioned, but I think vending machines should be reserved for pop, juices, and water — not
perishable food!!! :(
That sounds sick. I’d rather lick my shoe. After it rains, no less, but really, I think I’d lick my shoe before eating a mushy, fried, phallic-shaped THING that has been propelled from a vending window in a wall. Really.
The only thing that comes to mind as for bad experiences for me would be the time I was once again forced to eat at Hooters after I’d already given the place 3 chances to make me something I’d actually care to eat. The food is AWFUL, but no, someone was all, “But their WINGS are TO DIE FOR” and I was all, “Well, if they aren’t YOU DIE, biatch.” And then? There was a freaking FEATHER (sorry for all the caps, but really, people) on the first wing I went to eat. I stood up and started clucking like a fucking chicken. Yes, beer was thankfully involved, but I’d had it. I laughed my ass off and vowed to never return to that ugly-ass land of bad shorts, disgusting nylons, and food you’d have to pay me to eat.
The end. :o)
The Grossest Thing I Ever Ate
-by Sober in the City
It was late. I wanted to go to bed. Alone. He said I couldn’t get him all excited like that and send him home. He wasn’t going to leave. So I did it.
I just ate the gooey chocolate fudgesicle accumulating freezer burn in the back of the fridge since January of 1993. He wanted an end to the night.
It was late. I wanted to go to bed.
The end.
Apart from one rather awkward situation when my friend invited me to lunch and served up a chicken gizzard salad (which I refused to touch, dining etiquette be screwed) I must say I’ve been pretty lucky.
But I WILL be watching this space to see if any of my friends complain about MY cooking.
Ew, that just sounds disgusting. I dislike fast food to begin with – that just tops the list of food to avoid, in my opinion.
I’m very picky about my food but have luckily not had too many problems (I usually eat at home, anyway). I guess it was rather disgusting when I ate at a cafeteria and found uncooked meat in my teriyaki beef. I have since avoided that place. It’s hard to find good food at the university! Rather sad.
AmyD: You’ve eaten at Hooters 4 times???? :) I’ve never been there, but I’ve heard that the wings are GREAT.
Sober In the City: I remember fudgesicles!! I haven’t had one in YEARS. Man, the stuff I used to put in my mouth … fudgesicles, Ho-hos, Ding Dongs, etc. Not only do I not eat that stuff now, I can’t believe that I ever did.
Jay: Hey, I’ve seen photos of some of the stuff you’ve cooked. It looks DELICIOUS!
kypris: GROSS!!! *UNCOOKED* beef?!?!? You could totally get sick from eating that. :(
By the way STOLIE – Congratulations on the Job!
As for the “food” I almost ate but thankfully never did. It was a Nestle Crunch (will never eat it again) chocolate bar with guests – specifically maggots! Thank god I break my chocolate bars before I eat them rather than just taking a bite.
The other food (why they keep sneaking stuff into what I like to eat, I don’t know)was partially consumed by me at a Noodle shop. I thought I ordered noodle soup containing only noodles. However, one noodle I ate was extremely chewy and rubbery (didn’t know what it was at the time) and I discovered it was tripe (translation – pig intestine). I know some people like tripe and I heard it’s much better in stew but as a component of soup eck.
MAGGOTS?!?!!? Are you kidding me???? That’s DISGUSTING!!! :( Pig intestines, on the other hand, are completely normal. I grew up in Mississippi so I’m no stranger to pig intestines. See: chit’lins
I like to think i’m game when it comes to trying “weird” food… but i’m having second thoughts… NZ has good food.. I eat at McD’s only if I have to and that too once in a blue moon… and I think they are bad enough. Why on earth ppl would wanna eat (let alone put it in your mouth) gunk out of a vending machine is beyond me… just the thought is making me sick :P
So, no.. no weird experiences with food yet… but I did find a rusted nail in a bun back in India… thinking of it.. OMG.. I just threw away the nail and polished off the bun!!!
OH and I have finally figured out what “/*” is.. it is my freaking browser… I use Opera and some links look that way… ok.. now I feel relieved.. yet somewhat stupid at the same time.. :s(
the most disgusting food i ever saw (and i say ‘saw’ because i was too scared to eat it) was in canada.
it’s this stuff called poutine (i’m probably spelling it wrong) and it’s basically french fries with gravy and then hunks of cheese curd. it may sound appetizing to some, but i just couldn’t wrap my head around it. they served it everywhere too – even the mcdonald’s and burger king had their own versions.
Sorry to chime in here Miss Drama!
Poutine is a brilliant concoction of French Fries, Gravy and Cheese Curds. Oh man, the best food EVER after a hangover!
As for disgusting foods: I was out for dinner with a GF and her family some years ago, I was given a dish and I tried some. Only afterwards did they tell me what it was. Congealed Pigs Blood, which is apparently a delecacy. Suffice to say, I lost my appetite.
Yeah
I remember a falafel stand in Tiberias (northern Israel) where the cook reached into a potato can, pulled out a handful of sliced potatoes, smelled it, made a repulsed face, and put it back.
Needless to say, I didn’t order chips with my falafel sandwich that day.
Nasty!!! I can’t believe people honestly eat that crap! Ugh!
momok: So, THAT’S it??? I was starting to wonder, “where the hell did I type “*/”? I keep forgetting that different browsers handle different tags differently.
miss drama: I’ve actually tried Poutine. Believe it or not, I thought it was yummy!!
Mitch: Yay! That’s another vote for “Poutine is yummy”!! :)
Raymond: Probably a good idea that you didn’t.
Miss 1999: Yeah, I think the stuff is disgusting. But, to be fair, there are tons of people who *REALLY* like kroketten.
Damn, that sounds great. It really does. I guess I’m sick.
If you like them, you just might be … :)
In college, I had a roommate from Wisconsin. She desperately missed cheese curds, so when her mom came to visit, I had to try them. They SQEAK as you chew them! Yuck.
Food that talks back to you? Um, yeah, definitely add *that* to the list of things that I don’t like to stick in my mouth. :)
This is a really great article. I came to your website from yahoo while looking for a similar subject material. I really liked what you had to say. Keep up the good work!