At MamaChristy’s request, I’ve decided to write an entire post about my adventures at a live s-x show in Amsterdam. But, fret not — this post is completely safe for work. How? It’s easy. All you have to do is remember a few things: (1) people who prance around and remove their clothes are called “dancers”, (2) men have “snakes”, and (3) women have “caves”. Got it? Okay. Ready? Here we go … Rewind a few years … Back to when I was living in Amsterdam. But, before we get started, the first thing to know is that Amsterdam is an absolutely beautiful city that tells two stories. One story is for the Dutch. The other is for the tourists. The Dutch story is about impressive architecture, yummy cheeses, great painters (Van Gogh, Vermeer, and Rembrandt are all Dutch), pretty tulips, and open social policies. The other story, the tourist story, is about whores, drugs, and the Red Light District. So, when friends from the US come visit me, they usually want to experience one story or the other. For example, when Bro visits, she wants the Dutch story. When Maria visits, she wants the tourist story. For now, let’s talk about Maria’s visit because that’s the one with the dancers, snakes, and caves.
It’s a weekday evening. Maria and I are walking along one of the streets of the Red Light District, and she sees a sign that says “Live S-x Show!!!!!” (Yes, it’s written in English. Remember, this is the tourist story. The people who own the clubs know this; so, they don’t even bother to write their signs in Dutch.) So, we approach the man at the door and he tells us, in English, how much it costs to see the show. I tell him, in Dutch, that I think that’s a ridiculous price. He cuts our price in half. We pay and go in.
The place is really dark. Up front and center is a stage, and no one is on it yet. We grab two seats on the bench near the back. Well, they aren’t really “benches”. They’re more like wooden church pews with really really high backs. When seated, you can barely see over the pew—the seats are too high to see into the laps of the people sitting in front of you or in back of you; and, it’s too dark to see into the laps of the people sitting next to you. So, the show starts. Lights on the stage (but nowhere else).
In walks this cheerleader. She’s a dancer. She’s really pretty. She does her dance for a while and then she leaves. Next, queue the racist p-rn show with a grotesquely fat black dancer. At the end of her ridiculous “thing”, she does the banana trick. What’s the banana trick, you might ask? Well, she peels a banana and sticks it deep into her cave. Next, she invites guys from the audience to come and eat it. The guys say things to her in English with American, German and British accents. Again, this is the tourist story. I don’t think there are any Dutch people here. Anyway, so, now, the dancing is done and it’s show time!
In walks an Asian woman who isn’t wearing a shirt. She’s being following by a white guy dressed in a$$-less chaps. The woman is cute enough; but, the guy isn’t attractive. Nope. Not at all. “If I just paid money to see *THAT* man’s snake,” I think to myself, “I’m gonna be pissed!” Call me naïve but I thought, you know, if you’re gonna charge people money to see a live s-x show, the guy should look as hot as Paul Walker and the woman should look as hot as Halle Berry. Otherwise, why am I paying money? Hell, if I wanna see two ugly people getting it on, I can just spy on the neighbors for free. But, back to the couple on stage … Most of the people here are guys and they’re here to see the woman. And, see the woman they do because, although the guy’s snake enters her cave a few times, that part doesn’t last very long. His snake is too, um, “squashy”. So, to fill the time, he does acrobatics with the woman. He spins her around upside down so that everyone in the audience can see a close-up view of her cave. When it’s done, the couple exits. Music plays, but the lights don’t come on.
Was the experience worth it? Yes and no. No, because the guy was ugly and he couldn’t keep his snake “at attention”. Yes, because it’s one of those experiences that just doesn’t happen everyday; and, I think you have to do things like that every once and a while so that you know you’re still living—even I it involves watching an ugly man stick his snake in a dancer’s cave in Amsterdam.
