To the homeless woman who now has my vibrator, I say this … Believe it or not, it was NOT my intention to give that to you. You may not know this, but I’m in the process of moving. And, as with every move, something gets lost. I just didn’t expect to lose my vibrator. And, I certainly never expected to give it to someone else.
But, I should have seen it coming. As I’m packing earlier that evening, I divide all of my bathroom stuff up into “Things I Want to Throw Away” and “Things I Want to Keep”. I take a box downstairs to the curb. Waste not, want not. I’m sure SOMEONE can use the extra rolls of tissue, bars of soap, and out-of-season beauty products. Besides, it’s New York. It’s a proven fact that anything left unattended here for more than 5 minutes WILL get stolen. And lo and behold, as predicted, my box was gone within seconds. Did you take it, my dear sweet homeless friend?
Ah, the box. Unfortunately, in a fit of utter madness and confusion that only comes with moving, I put the KEEPERS on the curb instead of the throwaways. And, I don’t realize it until later than night when I ask myself, “Where’s my toothbrush?” Gone. The most important box in the sea of brown boxes is gone. My $70 rotational oscillating power toothbrush? Gone. My organic shampoo from Italy? Gone. Oh, my lovable homeless friend, I really hope that you pamper yourself with my vitamin-enriched, waterproof, great lash mascara. And, may the cracks in your lips be healed by my cherry-flavored lip balm. Everyone deserves a little luxury from time to time, right? So, trust me when I say this to you my vagabond amiga … I’m glad that SOMEONE is getting good use out of my $75 sex toy imported from Sweden—even if that someone isn’t me anymore.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
This is possibly the ONLY time you might wish you had a nasty STD to pass on to her through the stolen goods but sadly I think she might have it already!
I’m not mad at the person for taking it. I mean, the whole point of leaving the stuff on the curb — instead of, say, putting it directly in the trash — was to give someone who might need the stuff an opportunity to take it. I’m mad at myself for putting the wrong box on the curb.
I’m such a goof!!! :)
Another thought … By the way, I’m not 100% convinced that a random New York homeless person is any more or less likely to have an STD than, say, your average 22-year-old co-ed in the city. ;)
LOL! I’m so sorry for laughing, but the image of some down-and-out person using your expensive tioletries is funny.
But on a positive note, they are just material possessions and can be replaced eventually. It sounds like it’s a reason to fly to Italy and get some shampoo to me. :)
that’s when all you can do, is look at your toes and say – fuckadoodledoo…
sorry love, murphy’s law always hits when you least expect it… hope you’ll find a nice ersatz though ;)
I would have CRIED. You poor thing! Please tell me all your makeup wasn’t in that box, too. Good luck finding that now-good-looking bum. Man, those bums have it good these days… ;o)
Priceless! And not just your specially imported shampoos and toys. Have you got your move well and truly sorted then?
All I can say is:
Holy shit – that’s funny.
Sad in a sense, but still VERY funny.
Thanks for making my day, and here’s to hoping that whoever ‘got’ your stuff enjoys themselves.
aaarrrrgggh!!!! Not the box of toiletries!! Toiletries ar ethe most important thing next to FOOD!!!! Separation anxiety from my toiletries is what will keep me from flying!
Grrrr…
Sorry about the shampoo and vibrator.
Happy about the new look. I’m awaiting my eventual departure from blogger, myself.
Howard: You’re sooooo right. They were all just material possessions. But, ooooh, it would be **NICE** if I could take a shopping trip to Italy. Mark my words … it will happen one day. Not today. Not tomorrow, but hopefully in my future. Just thinking about returning to Italy gets me all excited.
Firefly: I love that word. I’m so going to add that to my vocabulary.
AmyD: YES!!! My makeup, my eyebrow kit, EVERYTHING!!! It was horrible. :( I really wanted to cry. I made a quick trip to the store to recover the bare essententials … lip gloss & mascara.
Nics: The move is an ongoing saga. I’m crashing with a friend until I can move until my own place later this month. After that, I have to move again because that lease runs out at the end of the year. I’m so over moving. :(
Mitch: Yeah!! When I go out for drinks with my friends tonight, I’ll raise my glass and make a toast …. “To homelessness!! There but by the grace of God go I … And, if I’m ever “there”, may someone be kind enough to give me free Italian shampoo and a vibrator!!”
missb: Yeah, it was sad. Really really really really sad. It’s going to take quite a while to replace all that stuff again. :(
A customer came in and bought a massive hand held back massager from me today, she looked a bit like Samantha from SATC. But for some reason I thought of you as well!
hahaha damn girl, get laid!!! Saves alot of batteries. Unless they’re rechargeable….
Anywho one happy hobo….100 million to go.
The best act of charity ever!
Why blame the homeless woman…You would be surprised how many of our female neighbors watch us with envy…I bet a female neighbor of yours is enjoying herself and your mistake…
lovely blog
Nics: YAY!!! I’m glad to know that I’m the one who comes to mind when you see a vibrator. :)
Papigiulio: Thanks, man. Thanks for reminding me that I need to get laid. :) Oh, the woes of being a single woman in the city …
vanessa: That’s funny!!! :)
amiamazing: You know what? You may be right. Oooooh … It’s kind of like the “Case of the Missing Vibrator”. Was it the homeless woman? Was it a female neighbor? Was it a male neighbor? The mystery continues …
Hahaha… as funny as it is.. i’m sure you are annoyed at yourself.. and me laughing at you isn’t helping is it..!!!
You made someone really really happy, it’s “stuff” & you have the power to earn them back. Some poor soul can’t and could never dream of experiencing such luxuries.. I’m sure there was a heartfelt thankyou in there somewhere from someone..
Don’t feel bad, you’ve done a good dead, without knowing…
Just remember, what does around, comes around (just hope it’s not the same stuff you left outside)
I totally believe that — what goes arouond comes around!!! Good karma in the lovin’ department would be a great thing!! :)