Real Date vs. Non-date Date
September 27th, 2006 ·
Sheesh, how do you follow up a post on farting? If you’re joining us for the first time today, this week is “Dating Week” at the FUNKYBROWNCHICK. Over the weekend, I asked readers of this blog to pose questions about dating. And, throughout this week, we answer those questions. Yesterday’s question about farting in front of your partner was from Howard. Today’s questions is from long-time reader, John J. Enright.
Ahhhh, John wants to talk about the infamous non-date date. What’s a non-date date? And, why are they easier than real dates? A non-date date usually happens when two people who could possibly be sexually attracted to each other meet to go out, but either: (a) one person thinks it’s a date and the other one doesn’t or (b) both parties aren’t sure whether they’re romantically interested in each other.
Coffee is the non-date date drink of choice. Asking someone to go for drinks, dinner and/or a movie with you clearly consitutes a “date”. Asking someone for coffee, on the other hand, doesn’t. Splitting the bill. That’s another non-date date activity. Allowing a guy to pay for the whole evening, on the other hand, sends the signal that you’re on a real date. Hmmm … non-date date stories? I went out on a series of non-date dates with a guy in Chicago over a period of MONTHS. We’d go out for coffee, drinks, dinner, live music, movies and everything else together. He was a great guy and I enjoyed his company, but I wasn’t physically attracted to him. So, in my mind, I was hanging out with a friend. In his mind, he was wearing me down until I eventually caved in and agreed to “date” him. But, I couldn’t ever imagine kissing him. Hmmm … Do any of you out there have non-date date stories and/or different ideas of what constitutes a date vs. non-date date?
Hi, I'm 
I had a non-date date last night and was going to blog about it today. It was a “first meet”–since I don’t know what to call them. It is this new phenom that has come along with internet dating. This guy is one that I was talking to on one of the dating sites that I belong to, we agreed to meet at a public location for a drink. Even before we got there I had a designated time I had to leave by and had already told him. I guess that makes it obvious that it is a non-date, when one person has a time by which they must leave. We had one drink, good conversation, and then parted ways. I think non-dates or first meets (since they are dates) are a great way to see if you have any chemistry with a person when you are the only two there!!!
Luckily I have never had any non-dates that didn’t know they were non-dates or that would be sticky!!!
I don’t date! The non-date concept sounds a lot more appealing to me, less pressure.
Date or non-date? Found out what kind of date you are by trying a little something that humans have been trying to get right for hundreds of thousands of years — communication.
My thought? If they can’t handle even that sort of openness, then you don’t even need to be out on a non-date with them.
Oh, yeah, I went there, took the tour, snapped some shots, thought about moving there, decided that it was just a nice place to visit, bought a t-shirt, came home and blogged about it.
History Chic: I’ve tried internet dating in the past, and experienced mixed results. You’ll have to let us know how it works out for you. :)
Nics: I love non-date dates!!! And, yes, it’s true: less pressure.
Howard: You are wise beyond your years, my friend. Wise beyond your years. In theory, I’m all about the communication. In practice, I suck at it. Like, take that guy in Chicago, for example. I can’t ever imagine having told him: “Um, you’re a great guy … good sense of humour, smart, fun to hang out with, etc … but I don’t think you’re cute. So, therefore, I’m not interested in dating you.” Would that have been the truth? Yes. Did I think he wanted to hear that? Absolutely not. So, we just continued to non-date date. Now that I think about it, I think we became “friends” in an odd way. There’s a post idea for someone: What’s the difference between a “male friend” and a “non-date date”. I go out for dinner and drinks with my guy friend MD when possible, and neither of us thinks it’s a non-date date — we’re just two friends grab a beer or dinner.
Ok this brings up another funny Vancouverism. It was actually a girl from Japan who pointed it out to me. I was “seeing/ non-dating” this guy and we hadn’t quite defined anything but she was asking a lot of questions that I had no answers for because we were in the super gray area where you transition.
Anyhow, I think she got frustrated or something and pointed out that, “no one actually dates in Vancouver. You all seem to just ‘hang out’, what’s that all about?”
Anyways, is that taking the non-date one step too far? If there are several non-dates are they still non-dates? What if sometimes you go dutch, sometimes one person pays and sometimes the other, sometimes one person cooks and sometimes the other. I think I’ve been on so many non-dates, I’m not even sure what a date is anymore.
My friend Jerome is NOTORIOUS for saying, “I’ve done blah, blah, and blah with this girl, so I guess that mean’s we’re like dating.”
My general rule is that it’s only a date if both parties have mutually expressed that it is, indeed, a date.
But, I totally know what you mean about non-dating. I think part of the issue is that people in cities (like Vancouver and NYC) are single for a much larger portion of their lives than they were many years ago. So, it’s not unusual to spend your 20s and 30s unmarried. That leaves a lot of time for different kinds of relationships with different kinds of people.
My best non-date story is quite funny. It’s a long story but let me try and lay out the basics for you, because it’s a funny story! (I almost blogged about it but decided it wasn’t too respectful to do that!)
So I’m at my graduation ball and about 5 cocktails and 3 bottles of wine and a few deadly tequilla shots later, I am pretty sloshed. While waiting for the bus back home, I see a guy who is on the same course as me. He’s always been shy and polite around me and we’ve never talked about anything more than coursework or the weather, in other words he’s a nice harmless geeky sort of guy (lets call him X). So he comes upto me and says hi and we get the bus back home together. He ends up sitting next to me and by this time the alcohol has hit me harder and I’m in grin-at-everything-foolishly mode. After a while I realise someone is holding my hand. WTF?! So I take a while to process this and then realise it’s X. So now I was faced with a dilema; if I yank my hand away I risk offending/hurting him and I genuinely didn’t want to do that. If I keep my hand in his grip, I am possibly showing interest. The minutes are ticking while I am having this internal dilema and I realise I have to do something either way. I pretend to check my phone for messages and get my hand out of his grip. Miraculously the bus rolls to a stop and I get off hastily and tell him I’ll see him around.
Phew! I thought that was that. But no, two days later he texts me asks me out for a drink. So I think I’d do the good thing by meeting him for a drink and telling him personally that I did not mean to give him the wrong idea on the bus and I was merely drunk. So I DID do the communication part! He responds with an thats-all-cool and proceeds to ask me for a movie a few days later. A drink at the pub. You get the picture. Throughout I made it pretty clear I wasn’t interested in a relationship, I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend and I didn’t want anything other than friendship; I didnt SPECIFICALLY spell it though. Eventually it reached a point where I realised I did have to spell it out for him, which I did with much distaste (because nobody likes to reject a non-aggresive non-stalker harmless sort of guy, it makes you feel like a bitch when you know you shouldnt).
So yeah never ever hold someone’s hand when you’re drunk because you’re most likely to end up with a few awkward non-dates and a very awkward conversation!
That said, non-dating is excellent for label-phobes like me who cannot handle the name-tag of “girlfriend” too soon. Seeing/non-dating someone is an excellent way to hang out with someone and test the waters beforehand and also provides you with a “I thought we were just hanging out as friends, I’m sorry if I inadverently gave you the wrong impression about my intentions” safety door.
However it sucks to be non-dating someone you really like and have them throw it back at you, as I’m sure “handy-X” felt. It’s a tough world!
I totally agree, though it is both beneficial and frustrating. You put together a string of non-dates then you run into whether or not to transition, have one or more parties felt that you were dating but the other one does not, is non-dating keeping you from being available for real-dating (if that is what you would call it) because you are getting some kind of need fullfilled without having to push further. As a girl in her mid-30’s, dating (non-dating) is actually way more complicated than in my 20’s (probably because it was filled with a lot of non-dates)!!! So dating itself is complicated and undefined…I almost wonder what it was like to date in a time when it was more structured (not that I would go back but sometimes I long for the definition)!!
Very interesting… topic / comments…
I’ve been on non-date dates before… quite a few times actually.. sometimes I had hoped for more.. and at other times… just wanted to hangout.. something to do.. some company. Have had some good friendship come out of such non-date dates. It is pressure free (almost) and easy going.
what ever it is, I think the intent should be made clear!!! It’s never a nice feeling to be left hanging!
Wow, great comments, glad I asked!
Darwin: That is a HILARIOUS story!! :) And, I actually read the whole thing. :)
History Chic: 30-something chicks ROCK!!! :) I’m a 30-something chick.
Momok: Agreed! No one likes to be left hanging on. :(
John Enright: THANKS for the question!
I gave up dating when they invented the wheel .. now I just non date ;o)
And, I haven’t been on a date (or non-date) since Sven Johann Laarson exited the picture.
I am married, so I don’t date anymore. But I did have those “first-meet” dates, “non-date dates”, and “date-dates” before I met my husband. I can only say I hate dating, specially blind dates. I am just glad that the life of “meeting strangers and talking about yourself” has ended.