Am I Too Picky?
Ahhhh …. weddings. They always make me ponder “The State of My Life as a Single Woman”. Actually, I should probably admit that I’m slightly neurotic and I ponder my singlehood more often than I probably should. My latest neurosis? I wonder if I’m too picky. Really, I mean it. I want a guy who’s about 6′ tall, gorgeous, funny, oh-so-smart … and he has a sexy accent from a land that we go visit during the summertime. It would also be great if he’s very progressively-minded, respectful, driven, and trustworthy. I want all of these things and more. So, then, my question is: Is there such a thing as “too picky”? Is it possible for your standards to be too high?
When Le Canadien and I ended our thing about two years ago, I remember that he told me that he was never happy with any woman. “When I find something wrong with a girl,” he said, “I know that they aren’t the person for me.” I remember thinking (and saying): “You’re looking for a person who doesn’t exist. No one is perfect.” So, now, two years later, I wonder if I too have unrealistic expectations. Really, how do you know when you’ve crossed the line between having “standards” and being “too picky”?
October 3rd, 2006 at 1:35 am
Yes, you are too picky. The good news is, you admit it.
October 3rd, 2006 at 3:38 am
I was too picky ’till about two years ago. Then it magically vanished. I dated exactly one
a-hole after than and then landed a fiancee. He rocks!
And I NEVER would have dated him three years prior…never.
Somehow, picky fades on it’s own when you’re really ready for it to.
October 3rd, 2006 at 5:57 am
Too picky is just another way of saying you are not ready to settle down yet.
October 3rd, 2006 at 9:40 am
Vanessa and Missb have got it: when you are ready to settle down/when you meet the right guy, some of the things that were deal breakers before won’t matter so much. It makes me realize how good a show Sex in the City was because Charlotte would NEVER have gone for Harry except that he was the right guy for her, baldness, hairy back and all.
October 3rd, 2006 at 11:31 am
Doesn’t hurt to be a little picky, so long as you don’t demand perfection. Eveyone has their faults, but generally there’s the important factor of compatability – whether they have faults which you could tolerate, perhaps actually come to even love. That’s something which is crucial to be picky about if you ask me.
October 3rd, 2006 at 11:53 am
Hi Stolie,
Sorry ’bout the lack of recent comments. I enjoyed reading your posts though!
And I agree with those above who wrote that being picky means you’re perhaps not quite ready. Plus, being picky isn’t bad because there are so many people out there and too many who aren’t worth your time, so you have to pick the right one ;)
October 3rd, 2006 at 12:27 pm
Ditto what has been said- stay picky until the right one comes along. When he does, he may not be all those things on your list, but he’ll be the right one and it won’t matter. There is never a reason to settle for less than contentment.
October 3rd, 2006 at 3:30 pm
Pegs: Bro *totally* agrees with you 100%.
missb: You know, that whole “timing is everything” saying is slightly trite but sooo incredibly true. Hmmm … I think I’ve been holding on to the “too picky” / “high standards” thing because I really think there’s a guy out there who has *all* of the qualities that I’d like in a man. But the more guys that I date, the more I think that my bar might be too high. Who knows … I guess you never know the guy for you until you find him. I’m glad you found your guy!
vanessa: You’re right. I’m NOT ready to settle down. I don’t want to be alone forever, but I’m perfectly fine being alone right now. I’m not even sure why I worry about my “Man Future” as much as I do.
MamaChristy: I totally think that’s true: you never really settle down with the type of person that you think you will. Bro and I watched Walking and Talking again last night. I’ve always thought that Liev Schreiber’s character would be my perfect imperfect guy (if that makes any sense).
Kieran: See, this is what I worry about sometimes. I think I typically, possibly, do expect perfection. But, I like how you phrased the whole “tolerate and/or love their faults” thing. That might be the key. Find someone whose craziness blends well with your crazyiness.
kypris: For the record, I miss you when you’re gone! :)
Laurie: Hmmm … the general consensus seems to be that picky is good. Sid, Bro and I got into a discussion about this at Chocolate by the Bald Man the other night … yes, by the way, I went AGAIN. Anyway, I think Sid is of the same mind that you (and many of the other commenters) are. Bro agrees with Pegs, Mags and other people. I’m not sure what to believe. For now, the pickiness feels right. But, I do sincerely worry that I’ll be too picky for too long and I’ll wake up one day to find myself old and alone at the age of 70. I don’t want to be that way. When I’m 70, I wanna wake up, roll over, put my teeth in, and kiss the 20-something hottie sleeping next to me. ;)
October 3rd, 2006 at 4:08 pm
Yes you do sound picky. But no, that’s not a bad thing. I do the pedestal thing all the time, where I meet a guy and it’s all roses at first. But then after a bit it’s almost as if I’m looking for reasons to knock him off that pedestal myself, before he does something himself to fall off the pedestal, thus hurting me. Does that make sense? Its like the Counting Crows Hard Candy tune…“You put your girl up on a pedestal, and then you wait for her to fall”
October 3rd, 2006 at 4:20 pm
Picky is ok. But I think, it’s not about “dropping” standards to “make do” with the “best fit” partner. As we grow older (some obviously older than others) our tastes change (hopefully for the better), our priorities change, and what we need from our partners change. We have all heard, one too many times, about Mr and Mrs Right. We can’t find them, cause they are married to each other!
Good luck Stolie, in finding your version of Mr. Perfect.
Eventually, you will realise, that it is the little imperfections, we find in our partners, which makes them Perfect!
October 3rd, 2006 at 4:44 pm
Darwin: OMG, yes, I soooo know what you mean.
Momok: Maybe it is, as you say, “prorities” that change not necessarily “standards”. Wise words, my friend. Very wise words.
October 3rd, 2006 at 6:19 pm
It’s not that “the one” is perfect. No one is. It’s that he/she is perfect For You.
October 3rd, 2006 at 6:35 pm
I think we’re picky until we find the right one.
I think something happens when you find the right person — something about liking enough about them not to be bugged by all the things that aren’t on your list.
At least that’s what seems to be working for my friends that are making the leap. Maybe you meet someone who is great in ways you didn’t even think about, so all the “missing” things just aren’t really missed.
I think you gotta have some criteria — to weed out the wack jobs — just be open to a wild card now and again.
October 3rd, 2006 at 8:07 pm
I would love to comment about this but I really haven’t figured it out. I mean, we all have standards and all my happily married friends have told me that they never settled but their standards changed. All my single friends say they are looking for the one but something just hasn’t happened to point them out. So, I don’t know if it is standards, timing, or just the universe not aligned right that keeps us in singledom…I just hope they all align at some point, when I am ready and they are ready :)
October 3rd, 2006 at 8:34 pm
I have found that the older I get, the less picky I get. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’ve learned to pick the average looking guy who adores me and treats me like a queen over the hunky guy who thinks I’m just so-so. The older you get, the less important some things become.
October 4th, 2006 at 9:43 am
Pegs: I agree. The perfect imperfect person.
Eddie: A “Wild Card”. I love it.
History Chic: Sweetie, I don’t think any of us have figured it out. We’re all imperfect people, too. :)
GrizzBabe: Is it the older the less picky or is it as Momok says, the older the focused your priorities.
October 4th, 2006 at 4:33 pm
I don’t think you’re too picky at all (although the accent might be asking a little too much…ha!) Personally, I just think you haven’t met the one who is meant to be in your life. Le Canadian was right when he said, “When I find something wrong with a girl, I know that they aren’t the person for me.” Really, I’m sure at the time, he meant it in a way that he, too, was too picky, but in reality, the person he – and you – ends up with (and not just settling for!) won’t be perfect, won’t have every single attribute deemed amazing, but will be perfect for YOU (and him). It’s really that simple.
October 4th, 2006 at 8:37 pm
Relax, once your baby clock starts ticking loudly, you’ll marry the first schlep who looks decent and makes good money. That’s what it all really boils down to.
October 5th, 2006 at 10:05 am
AmyD: You’re probably right … about me! :) Le Canadien, on the other hand, really *IS* looking for the impossible.
Johnathan Blaze: No puppies for this chick. :) I’m all about recreation, not procreation.