Desperation: Perfume of the Lonely
Something smells… wait, wait, wait .. Before I go there I should probably alert that this post is about “desperate friends” not people who date. And, by the way … since I said the word “date”, I’ll add that the update on the Aussie guy is that we’ve been cramming in a lot of time together. He leaves next week, but I’ve really enjoyed his (platonic) company. Don’t get me wrong … There’s chemistry to be sure — I’m just not really up for being some guy’s “vacation fling” right now … now matter how pleasurable it might be. Okay, so, back to, well, um, that smell. The scent of desperation.
I’ve recently learned that at least 1 out of 4 Americans say that they have no one that they can talk to about serious stuff — no close family member and no “good friends”. Read Social Isolation in America. (If you’re feeling lazy, read the short Boston Globe summary article; if you’re feeling like an info geek, read the academic journal article.) Hmmm … I’m torn. On one hand, I feel kind of sad about the fact that our society is structured in a way that makes it hard for people to make real friends. For example, New York is a city filled with approximately 8 million people. Yet, oddly enough, it’s not unusual to run into people who will tell you quite openly and honestly: “I don’t really have any friends in the city.” (Such was the case recently, that’s why I’m blogging about it today.) Anyway, on the other hand—given the type of “friendless” people that I’ve met since I moved to New York almost two years ago—I kinda get the feeling that people without friends don’t have friends because of they aren’t likeable people. Too self-absorbed. Too arrogant. Too weird. You name it. Hmmm … What do YOU think? Please share your thoughts on this question: Why are 25% of Americans completely friendless?
October 27th, 2006 at 11:04 am
well, it’s not that people don’t have friends anymore.. it does happen, in my case, that I discuss important issues of my life with a certain number people (that aren’t many, actually). And also, If I ought to get an advise I’m very selective to whom I’ll go to: I’m so not asking my mom about the pill or sth! But it’s sad to see what’s going on to the society and you couldn’t be more right when you pointed out the NYC thing.. it’s crazy to be surrounded by so much people and feel so lonely at the same time! Well, let’s make a difference people.. keep posting! And about your personal remarkable things!
ps:I’m feeling soo lazy today I took the easy way out w/The Boston Globe article LOL
October 27th, 2006 at 2:04 pm
Hmmm…this is causing quite a stir of thoughts in my head right now.
I don’t think that ANYONE is really, truly friendless. Yes, there are people who are shallow who don’t have TRUE friends, and there are homeless people who ended up on the streets, and don’t have anyone there to support or help them. But to me, it isn’t so much about the external “truths” as much as it is about internal feelings. Think about it: often, when we are at our lowest moments, we clam up (ok, I SHOULD stop saying “we” and just say, “I,” as I’ve done this many times in the past), refuse to open up to those who would be happy to be there for us, despite really needing the support. It’s like we feel miserable to the point where it sustains us, makes us feel almost like we deserve our unhappiness in some way. It doesn’t last long, but during those periods of time, we really, truly feel alone, as if we don’t have anyone to turn to – because we don’t want to burden others, or admit we are weak, sad, or feeling lost and alone. My guess is, at any point, about one-fourth of society DOES feel this way, given the fact that life is well known for throwing us shitty times (the bitch…). So, no matter when a study would be done, probably 25% of people really DO feel as though they really don’t have any “good” friends, but it’s mostly mental on their part, and would be completely disagreeable to their friends, who would probably drop anything to support the person saying that, if asked or given the chance.
Does this make ANY sense? Shit, I need to just shut up, I think. hahaha!
October 27th, 2006 at 2:17 pm
AmyD,
You never cease to amaze me with your perspective and views. I think you are completely right and I can’t really add much of substance here!
October 27th, 2006 at 2:28 pm
Hmmmm, I think a big reason is that people are required to move around so much to make a living and become successful these days that they don’t have the opportunity to build intimate (in terms of trust and emotion, not physical intimacy) relationships. You go to school (about 5 years), you’re not really supposed to stick with a single job for more than 5 years, you’re expected to be world traveled, and so many people seem to have a need to be popular (evidenced by my space and other such sites). Point is that the current climate of change and adaptability, networking, and the pressure to be that Martha Stewart on the block stretches people too thin. Can’t throw a dinner party unless you cook a gourmet meal and decorate your appartment (cost and time will cut down on the occurance of dinner parties – people are lucky if they have friends who are appreciative and don’t require all the bells and whistles); people should have such a large network that it becomes difficult to build relationships with a few key people; and continuously developing new work skills takes away from the development of relationships as well (who has all that time!). I think it’s a lot of media, competition, and poor humans being born with limited resources. Unfortunately it seems that people who choose to value their relationships (like those wonderful stay at home mothers) over achievements (not saying that being a mother is not an achievement – PROBABLY NO GREATER ACHIEVEMENT)are not valued to the extent that they should be. There appears to be too much focus on work, material possession, and fluffing of those proverbial peacock feathers.
October 27th, 2006 at 3:14 pm
Relationships of any and every kind are work. They might be the kind of work you enjoy, but it is rare to find those fun and easy relationships that don’t require much effort. I think that will all of the other kinds of things that we think are important it can be very difficult to nurture relationships that allow for the kind of intimacy that people really crave. It is hard not only to have good friends, but to be a good friend.
Oh, and The Genius: thanks for the nice shout-out to SAHMs. :)
October 27th, 2006 at 4:39 pm
I think 25% of Americans THINK they’re friendless. I never considered myself to be someone who had a ton of friends or affected other people’s lives until my junior year of high school. I got in a major car accident, missed a couple of days of school, and in that time the phone at home rang off the hook. Friends at school lined up at the pay phone to talk to me. I remember thinking, “wow, I’m really loved!”
Ultimately, it boils down to how often you tell your friends how much they mean to you, and if they reciprocate, the 25% turns into more like 10%. I think people are just afraid of looking vulnerable in front of others. It’s hard to put yourself “out there”.
October 27th, 2006 at 8:31 pm
No one is truly alone, unless he/she happened to be brought up in an abusive household and then got abused in fostercare and then went on a raping/killing spree and he murdered the court appointed lawyer who tried to save his ass too. You get my point. Loneliness is all in the mind. It’s possible to be alone but not be lonely, and I think being alone sometimes is quite healthy rather than being surrounded by people all the time. If we feel alone when we’re low, it’s cuz we need reasons to feel miserable and dwell in the gloom for a bit longer. It takes more effort to look for the silver lining than the grey clouds and face it, people are lazy!
Also, the people who say they are chronically alone tend to be the basket cases who are just weird arrogant strange whiny wrist-slitting-for-attention-types. Only they can help themselves cuz trying to help them is a lost cause, they only drag you down with them. Personal experiences here!
October 28th, 2006 at 5:25 am
When I think of all the people in my life that I count as really good friends — the kind I would talk to about the pill, boys, bills and other icky stuff — it occurs to me that our relationships passed from the superficial aquaintance level to a deeper level due to: A. The arrival of some unforseen crisis in one of our lives and B. the ability of the other person to rise to the occasion and stick it out to, ‘be a friend’ when the other one was in need. (From dead batteries to dead parents and everything in between)
However, I agree with Donna that it has a lot to do with allowing oneself to be vulnerable. Crossing into ‘real friendship’ territory required that whomever ‘A’ happened to, allowed themself to open up and share the crisis, creating space for the other person to step up and step in.
I think we live in a culture where we’d rather shellack the hell out of ourselves with illusions of perfection rather than admit things are less than stellar in our lives(to our friends, neighbors, ourselves…) and so to open oneself up reveals such intense vulnerablity that some people feel it’s simply impossible to do. So it’s possible to feel entirely friendless, though one may have plenty of people in one’s life who would step up if they knew what was really going on.
My very, utterly humble opinion. And I am so lazy I didn’t read either article. I’ll take your word for it.
October 28th, 2006 at 7:21 am
You seem to be like stand-up girl and so would you marry me? :) I will even not mind that you are Imperialist American! But I will not buy your ring.
October 28th, 2006 at 8:39 am
Amy D is right on.
Funky Brown Chick: If Tim73 is calling you an imperialist American, then he’s probably foreign. Ask if he’s tall, gorgeous, liberal and financially stable. If yes, then he’s just right for you! Accept the offer and tell people you didn’t even want a ring.
October 28th, 2006 at 9:47 am
I love all these long, deep & cool responses! I think there are few people who really, truly do not have friends of any kind. Close, intimate friends are another matter. When I was in my very early 20’s and finally out on my own to seek out new friends (as opposed to forging friendships in school setting etc)I remember being intent on meeting–and maintaining deep friendships with–pretty much everyone I shared a common bond with. This led to having what I believed to be “a zillion” friends. I remember my mother telling me that no, actually I’ll grow up and only want a small circle of friends to REALLY share my most intimate thought with. I didn’t believe her. Who wouldn’t want a zillion friends? But then over time I’ve learned that she is 100% right. I realised that I don’t have the time, energy or desire to maintain that level of intimacy with 30 people. Relationships need time and attention like gardens. Now I’m 37 and I treasure my little scattered group of true friends. I’ve also observed that my fiancee does NOT seem to have any real close friends…but I chalk that up to the stereotype of “that’s because he’s a man and men are less emotionally outgoing anyway”. But it bothers me. I’m his closest friend, it would seem. That’s a lot of pressure. I also wonder about the handful of women I know who do not seem to have any close girlfriends…do you know they type? I mean the ones who have made it out of high school, college and summer camp and first-jobs and moving to new cities three times with no close friends anyplace. Women who seem to just float on to their next location without forging any strong ties? These women freak me out a little…
I’m rambling.
October 29th, 2006 at 9:59 pm
Nat: Yeah, I totally get what you’re saying. And, I agree: it’s not really easy (or adviseable) to share everything with everyone all the time.
AmyD: I’m guilt of that BIG TIME. I’ll sometimes *feel* like “oh, I don’t wanna burden my friends with blah blah blah” even though I know that it wouldn’t be a burden at all.
Mitch: Nice nod to Amy D.
The Genius: Yeah, I think moving & being spread thin both have a lot to do with it.
MamaChristy: You speak the truth! :)
Donna: You’re very right. And, yes, I think we’re all afraid of appearing vulnerable in some way or another.
Darwin: Yeah, they say that loneliness is what happens when you don’t have your needs met. It’s not really about how many people are around I guess.
eddie: Your very utterly humble opinion is also very WISE! :)
tim73: Hey, who needs a big fancy ring anyway??? :)
Pegs: Foreign, tall, gorgeous, liberal and financially stable. That’s EXACTLY my type!!!! :) You know me too well, woman! :)
missb: I soooo agree with you. When I was in high school and college, I kinda considered every random loose attachment formed to be a “friendship”. As I grow older, I realize that TRUE friends are very precious and rare. I have a ton of acquaintances. The number of friends, of course, is smaller. And, yeah, I soooo know women (and men) who do the jetset crowd and form absolutely no ties to anyone anyone anywhere. And, yes, it is creepy. I’m convinced those people turn out to be serial killers. Didn’t you see American Psycho??? :) And about the boy not having friends … that’s TOTALLY typical guy stuff. When The Guy I Almost Married and I broke up, he said ended the conversation by saying that he still wanted me in his life because I was the best friend that he had. I always thought that was a little odd. In my mind, we were “exes”, not friends. Broken hearts take longer than 20 minutes to heal.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
well honestly, down here it’s hard too be friendless. in south florida every one is loud and friendly. but, some select people do have no friends because they are rude, arrogant and act condescending towards everyone else. when i went up to new york for 3 days all i had to do was be friendly and i had meet 4 really nice,cool native new yorkers the first day!!
March 19th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
ALL New Yorkers are really nice and cool. :)
March 19th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
but i only have 2 true friends
March 25th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
I think women tend to lose their friends more easily than men because when they meet a new guy, women are more likely to want to spend all their time with him and tend to ‘forget’ about their friends, whereas men are more loyal. They will insist on still seeing their friends but the girlfriend can go along too, so you often see a group of men and one woman but less often do you see a group of women and one man. Women enjoy being the only woman amongst all these men and may be hesitant to ask her friends along, whereas the opposite would be most men’s nightmare!
March 25th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
…so when the relationship ends, the woman is left with no friends and the man, he still has them…
im not saying this is true of everyone, just some people.
also, i agree it is because we move around so much, country to country.. well, i have. but i think if you are open to making new friends, you find them. and you always find ones that are into the same as you. it isnt that hard. if you are an open minded person, with an interest in something, you will always meet others like you who are open to knowing you and glad to meet you. everyone needs friends and if you make time for people, they will make time for you. if you smile at people, they will generally smile back. if you walk around with a cloud over your head, the world will seems hostile. if you walk around with a smile and a happy heart, people will respond to you with warmth and curiosity. everyone wants the sun in their lives. you are never too old to meet new people and make a difference to theirs and your life.
March 25th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
@ Maz: Wow, GREAT comment. Thanks for sharing!! :)