Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

Britney Spears Loves Her Vajayjay

What. The. Fuck. is going on with Britney Spears?!?! I must admit, I *LOVE* looking at yesterday’s New York Post cover. Splashed across the front of the newspaper is a pic of Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton with the caption: “The Bimbo Summit.” Classic! If you haven’t read their article, read it. It’s hilarious.

Okay, so, here’s a hypothetical question for you: if you were a whitetrash – washed up – talentless tart in a custody battle with your whitetrash – talentless – wannabe – hiphop – “Popozao singing” – “babymaking machine” soon to be ex-husband … tell me … would you show the world your vajayjay in order to prove that you’re a fit mother? I didn’t think so. Somehow, I don’t think this is the smartest decision that Britney has ever made. And, not to mention, it seems that she has totally and completely devastated the ever-fabulous Trent over at Pink is the New Blog.

And, now, for those of you dirty little bastards out there who want to see the pictures of Britney’s vajayjay–click here. [WARNING: PHOTO IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK; VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK.] Hmmmm … just out of curiosity, what do all of you out there think about this crazy Britney with no underwear / flashing the cameras stuff?

November 30th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [14] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Tis The Season

So, I’m watching Nip / Tuck last night. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a show about two plastic surgeons who live in Miami. One is relatively cute and the other one is an Aussie hottie with a really sexy girlfriend. Guess which one is the one that I like? Anyway, so, last night’s episode is the one where Dr. Sean McNamara (the cute guy) dresses up like Santa and has a midget / dwarf / little person give him a blow job in the Santaland house. The whole thing makes me wonder: is it really all ready time for Christmas? Sheesh, I can’t believe it’s almost December. Where did the year go?

At any rate, I’ll have you people know that I’ve been working on another fake album. It’s a Christmas album and I’m hoping to drop it before the end of the week. YAY!!! And, just for shits and giggles, if I can find somewhere to really perform one of the songs live — I just might. (I always thought it was such a waste that the world never got to hear the words to two of the singles from my last fake album: “F – - k Me Paul Walker” and “Feel Good, Come to Mama“). But, back to the Christmas album … I can’t read music & I can’t carry a tune but, dammit, I’m all about spreading Christmas cheer!! Stay tuned. Christmas cheer is on its way …

November 29th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [5] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Go Feline: “Meow” During Sex

Okay, so, remember way back when I said that it seems like everyone is reading David Zinczenko’s Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User’s Guide for Women? Well, I finally got my hands on a copy of the book, and I’m reading it. It’s got a lot of, um, interesting stuff in there to say the very least. I’ll probably write a fuller review of it once I’ve finished reading it but, in the meantime, I just wanna say this to you: meow.

Yes, you heard me correctly. MEOW.

Hmmm … I was quite surprised when I read on page 59 of the book that some men–and by “some men” I mean “one 40-year-old guy named Harris”–says that the word meow is the sexiest thing that he’s ever had a woman say to him. Meow? Really? That’s odd. But, if I remember correctly, there was a meowing line in the movie When Harry Met Sally, too. Remember? The two guys are at the batting cages and one guys says something like, ‘last night, I made a woman meow’. I may say a ton of bizarre things during sex ( … and, believe me, I’m a loud person and I’ve yelled out a lot of crazy things ….) but I can honestly say that I’ve never gone all feline and yelled meow. To anyone. Under any circumstances. Women? Men? Tell me … What’s the oddest thing you’ve ever said or heard someone say during sex?

November 28th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [19] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Monday, Manly Mondays

I smell testosterone. After I posted yesterday’s comment about the two hotties, I noticed that I just don’t talk about men nearly enough as I could. So, until further notice, I’ve decided to declare Mondays “Manly Mondays” here at the Funky Brown Chick. Today’s manly topic? The Death of the Metrosexual. Hardly a newsflash, many moons ago, the metrosexual man died and was replaced by the ubersexual who has since been (supposedly) replaced by the heteropolitan. Now, I’m not exactly sure what all of this means for the average penis out there, but it does make me wonder: in general, are the men of the world changing? Specifically, I notice that they’re getting more muscular. Take the new James Bond, for example. I paid Movietickets.com $12.75 to see Casino Royale. Twice. Both times … I went with female friends. None of us could ignore now much more, um, “buff” Daniel Craig is than Pierce Brosnan was. Maaaan, when I saw Daniel Craig as 007 walking along that beach in his tight little blue swim trunks, I honestly think I drooled into my big bucket of popcorn a little bit. Muscle are in. And, Daniel Craig wears them well. Very well. How bout you? Are you a fan of the new muscle-clad ubersexuals / heteropolitans or do you crave the slim downed metrosexuals or yesteryear?

November 27th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [17] folks got down with the Funky Brown

What?! The Weekend is Over?

And just like that … I’m back. The extended Thanksgiving weekend was absolutely fabulous: Mags came in town to visit, Big D Girl cooked an amazing dinner for a group of 7 of us, I saw the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, and — here’s the really good part — on Friday night, I met two incredibly gorgeous foreign men. I love to look at gorgeous men. The weekend couldn’t have possibly gone any better than it did; and, I hope all you out there reading these words had wonderful Thanksgiving weekends, too. Wow, I can’t believe that the weekend is all ready over. Hmmmm … I’m gonna go enjoy the little bit that is left of it. More tomorrow …

November 26th, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [3] folks got down with the Funky Brown

The Return of the Turducken!*

Remember the Turducken? It’s baaaaaaaaaack.

* Also known as the automated “Happy Thanksgiving” post.

November 23rd, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [8] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Not All Tail is Good Tail

If you don’t live in NYC, you should. Really. I mean it. I firmly believe that everyone should live here at least once in his or her life. It’s been said ( … I can’t remember by whom …) ‘in Roman times, I would have wanted to live in Rome; so, in modern times, I choose to live in New York City.’ I mean, you know, I’m not saying that New York is the center of the universe or anything — but, I’m not saying that it’s not either.

It’s possible to see everything in New York.

Take the other day, for example. I’m on the northbound A Train, and it’s one of those “typical NYC train” days: probably 68 different nationalities & 13 different languages all crammed into one subway train in midtown Manhattan. I’m riding along, and I’m minding my own business when I notice the man standing directly in front of me. I take a closer look. And, that’s when I notice that he has … and I hope you’re sitting down for this … a tail. Yes. A tail. Not on his ass, mind you, but on the back of his head.

Remember that hairstyle? Short hair in the front and sides—also short in the back with the one exception being an unmistakable long, thin, greasy sliver of hair. A TAIL. I thought those things went out of style circa waaaay-to-fucking-long-ago-to-remember. Anyway, back to the guy. So, I’m on the subway standing directly behind him with his tail dangling in front of me. And, it’s exactly at that moment that I realize: sure, it’s possible to see everything in New York. But, sometimes, on very rare occasions, that’s not always a good thing.

NOTE: By the way …. Shhhh! I just created a very special, automated “Happy Thanksgiving” post that will appear on my blog from tomorrow morning until Sunday. For those of you who have been reading for at least a year, you’ll recognize this “old friend.” :-)

November 22nd, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [8] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Battle of Fashion Fads: 80s vs 90s

El’s recent comment about fingerless gloves makes we wonder: if 80s fashion fads and 90s fashion fads were to battle each other, who would win? [queue the sound of masses shouting at a boxing ring] Ladies and gentlemen. *ding, ding, ding* In the right corner, we have the representative of the 80s Fashion Fads: George Michael. He’s sporting a neon glow-in-the-dark Choose Life t-shirt, acid-washed jeans, and sexy girlie plastic jellies sandals. Doesn’t he look great?!?! In the left corner, we have the representative of the (pre-grunge) 90s Fashion Fads: MC Hammer. Señor Hammer is wearing oh-so-stylish parachute pants and a blazer with massive shoulder pads.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What do I see? Oh! Could that be? Yes! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE FORGOT TWO DETAILS! Please note the following … George Michael has his frosted blonde hair pulled back into a hot pink banana clip & MC Hammer’s ensemble includes a hypercolor t-shirt. Woot! Woot! *ding, ding, ding* Time to vote! In the battle of the Fashion Fads, who would win? Tell me, who had the better fashions — the 80s or the 90s?

November 21st, 2006 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown