Should You Call on an Ex’s Birthday?
Rewind 5 years. It’s the middle of the night, and I receive a call from the guy that I am going to marry. He sounds upset, and he wants to come over immediately. I have no way of knowing what the news is but, from the tone of his voice, I can tell that it’s not good news. During the 10 minutes that it takes him to drive from his house to my house, a million different implausible scenarios run through my head: He’s cheating on me. He wants to break up. He found out that he has a terrible disease. He wants to leave the US and go back to his home country (the Netherlands). But, my instincts tell me that none of those scenarios would make any sense. The only one that does make sense is the one that scares me the most: maybe, his father has died?
When my guy arrives, he’s crying. I ask about his father, but he tells me that his father is fine. “Then, what’s wrong?” I ask. That’s when I hear him say: “I can’t do this anymore. This isn’t working.” So, that’s his news? He wants to break up with me? But, now, I’m confused. People who are going to marry don’t “break up” do they? I mean, you know, they get married. Don’t they? Oddly enough, the next words out of my mouth are: “But, I all ready got the cake.”
You see, the ironic thing about the timing of the breakup with The Guy I Almost Married (TGIAM) is that his birthday was the very next day. I’d all ready secretly planned a surprise birthday party, and it was going to be a huge bash at my house. I had invited all of his friends, my friends and “our” friends. I had tons of decorations hidden. And, of course, I had a beautiful cake. Needless to say, I cancelled the party. (And, I threw his cake in the trash.) Time passed. We moved on. We kept in touch. I started dating someone else. And, eventually, TGIAM’s calls happened less frequently. Fast forward to today. TGIAM’s birthday was last week. As with the past three years, I didn’t call him on his birthday. Some years, I forgot about it. And, the years I didn’t forget, I didn’t feel the need to call. (My mantra? Exes aren’t “friends”, they’re “exes”.) Still, because TGIAM and I were once so close, I wonder if I would feel differently about calling him on his birthday if the day wasn’t so closely-related to our breakup. Hmmm … How about you? Do any of you call your exes on their birthdays?
December 7th, 2006 at 12:53 am
First time here and hells no I never call, you can call me bitter, I don’t mind. To me, calling to say “Happy Birthday”, is the same as saying I’m thinking of you and that’s the last thing I want my ex to think. Yanno?
December 7th, 2006 at 2:40 am
ya, i’d keep communication to a minimum. in most cases, even friendly break-ups, it’s just not worth the unncessary drama – whether there is any or not. because let’s face it, if he didn’t react at all, that might be even worse than if he did.
can’t win. let sleeping dogs lie.
_
December 7th, 2006 at 3:39 am
Only if we’re still friends, even then it’s more like an email or a text, and even then I feel it’s pretty obligatory because they wish me on mine. I’m not bitter in any way but you know, most post-breakup feelings are either bitterness (hope you’ve been miserable) and/or guilt (I feel awful you dropped out of college because of us breaking up) and digging all that up really isn’t fun.
Sorry to hear about TGIAM, that sounds awful! Did he ever give a decent reason as to why he did that?
December 7th, 2006 at 7:37 am
That’s an interesting story and most of us can relate, I know I can. To be honest FBC, if I had healed as a result of being in heavier relationships after that one and we were now “friends”, I would wish him well — you would definitely be the better person. Keep in mind that you are doing this unconditionally, DO NOT expect anything, OK?
December 7th, 2006 at 9:44 am
I’m with Bunny and miss anon. A call definitely tells him you are thinking of him and either want him to be thinking of you OR you want to let him know just how good life is without him. Those thoughts might not be your concious motivation but, bottom line, they will be the result.
I agree, sleeping dogs should be left alone.
December 7th, 2006 at 10:33 am
I don’t call, write, or even think in their direction though I do have a funny story. One year I got really organized and put all the e-cards I had to send at hallmark for the year. I thought this was a great idea….well when I and ex broke up, I didn’t even think about this major organizational feet. Needless to say a few months later when his birthday rolled around, I got a long (very, as if I cared what he had been up to) email saying thanks for the card, here is what I am doing, how are you, blah blah blah blah. I learned a valuable lesson that day….never be to organized LOL :)
December 7th, 2006 at 10:34 am
Seeing as I laughed and mocked (and blogged about it!) when I got a b-day email from my ex this year, there is NO way I’d ever call. Once I’m completely done, I’m done. It doesn’t mean I don’t wish them well, think they are still wonderful people, but they are exes for a reason, so there really isn’t any reason for me to bring it back to the present by acknowledging their day of birth. I don’t know, this isn’t bitterness calling, but maybe me having learned way too many lessons the hard way?… It’s best to let it lie, I guess.
Shitty story, though. Stupid TGIAM. ;o)
December 7th, 2006 at 11:05 am
As horrible as my ex was to me — lying, cheating (with a man!), manipulative and a user, etc. — I still texted him on his birthday. Even as he was leaving on an out-of-town trip with a woman “friend” of his he allowed to be completely rude to me during our relationship and one who he claimed to “despise.” (But didn’t hesitate to whisk out of town in secret).
Anyway, I still wished him a happy birthday. I got a perfunctory text back saying “thanks.” But I realized I’d wasted my time. I shouldn’t have bothered. (And, of course, you know I didn’t hear from him when my birthday rolled around two months after his…)
He is the type of person who plans things months in advance. So we already had talked about what we might do for his birthday about three or four months earlier. We were flirting with a trip to the Dominican Republic suggested by his sister. For some dumb reason I thought of that, fondly, when I wished him a happy birthday that morning. Nostalgia — it’s dangerous.
Ultimately, I agree with you: No matter how close you once were, exes are just that. And usually for a good reason. Better to leave them be.
December 7th, 2006 at 12:34 pm
All of my exes can eat me. I wouldn’t call them if they knew the winning lotto number.
December 7th, 2006 at 2:16 pm
So you have wished this jerk well on his birthday in the past? Honey, you are so much better than that and you are lucky that the two of you didn’t marry. Breaking up is better than divorce. Leave him be. If he wants a birthday wish from you, he’ll call you.
December 7th, 2006 at 8:24 pm
bunny: WELCOME TO THE BLOG!!! :) Hope you stick around a bit. And, by the way, very good point — calling would be the same thing as saying I’m thinking of you.
miss anon: Yeah, in general, we only email a couple of times a year. And, that’s a bit odd for me considering the fact that I don’t really keep in touch with any of my ex-boys. (If Le Canadien didn’t come to New York so often, we would probably never keep in touch.)
Darwin: Ooooh, I like what you say about, “most post-breakup feelings are either bitterness (hope you’ve been miserable) and/or guilt (I feel awful you dropped out of college because of us breaking up).” This totally gives me an idea for a post!! Stay tuned. Oh, and … no he never gave me a logical reason. The best I got were two explanations that seemed to contradict themselves: “things are moving too fast” and “you’re not letting me get close to you”. Whatever. I didn’t press him for more details because it didn’t matter. As painful as it was at the time, he wanted out of the relationship and that was all that I needed to know. I’m not the type of woman who’s gonna hold on to to a guy begging, “Noooooo! Please, please don’t go!” When TGIAM broke up with me, I let him go.
Maria: Trust me — he’s in the past and he’s gonna stay there. I’m not gonna call him. Interestingly enough, I *did* call him on his birthday two years after we broke up. For that story, see my comment to MamaChristy below.
Laurie: Hmmm … sleeping dogs should be left alone. Very good point. Although I didn’t call him on his birthday, I was thinking of responding to his recent email. (Either I email him or he emails me about once or twice a year.)
History Chic: THAT’S FUNNY!!!!! :)
AmyD: Yeah, the whole thing was really shitty. But, that’s the past. I’ve taken from it what I could, and life has moved on.
Chicklet: You said, “exes are just that. And usually for a good reason.” That’s exactly why I don’t believe in the whole friends with exes things. Whatever caused me to break with them (or them with me) isn’t gonna change. If there was a reason why I didn’t want to date them (or, again, they me), that same reason is probably gonna stand in the way of us being friends, no?
AWE: Your comment made me laugh!!! :)
MamaChristy: Oh, but that’s the worst part … The first year after we broke up, I *didn’t* call but *HE* called *ME* on *HIS* birthday. I’d forgotten about it because I’d moved on. (By that point, I’d all ready been dating Blondie for about 5 months.) Okay, so, TGIAM calls me that first year, right? I don’t remember that it’s his birthday, so I just start in with small talk. Good to hear from you. How’s it going? What have you been up to? Everything okay? So, then, he reminds me that it’s his birthday, and I feel *SUPER* horrible for forgetting it. I apologize and what not. But, then, a month later, it’s my birthday. And, you know what? You guessed it — TGIAM doesn’t call me to wish me Happy Birthday. Of course, I don’t call him to remind him or anything because (1) don’t care and (2) I’m still dating Blondie. But, at the end of that same year, choosing to be the bigger person, I actually call TGIAM to wish him Happy Birthday. I’d broken up with Blondie by then, but I was dating Le Canadien at the time. But, that was the last time that I called him on b-day. And, the only reason I thought about him today is because I received an email from him recently. That made me remember that his birthday was coming up. And, then, that made me think about the issue of calling exes on their birthdays. Hence, the post.
December 7th, 2006 at 10:19 pm
Well it’s been three years. I have remembered the birthday once or twice.
No call.
December 8th, 2006 at 7:38 am
Can I retract my comment? It can’t be too late. I think I set women back 100 years. Maybe this is why I’m single.
December 8th, 2006 at 8:29 am
Raymond: Probably a good thing.
Maria: Sweetie, no, you didn’t set women back!!! :) The reason that I called TGIAM that second year is because I wanted to take the high road. There’s nothing weak or unwomanly about doing something because it seems like “the right thing to do.” But, hell, what do I know? I’m just a chick with a blog. Besides, I don’t think any of us — whether married or single — really has it all figured out.
December 11th, 2006 at 12:53 am
Always.
I call all 3 ‘loves of my life’ on their B’day (or within 2 days if it happened to slip my mind cuz it’s the weekend).
Note that in all 3 cases we ‘broke up with each other’ (we changed, life changed, etc.).
I tried calling some of the girls I ‘dumped’ (which usually meant I quietly slipped out of their lives) and notice they don’t pick up the phone or answer the email… I still try.
PS The three LOML above call me too. I’m not one of those ex-stalkers…
Could this be a Dutch thing? Pffffrrrttt.
December 11th, 2006 at 8:29 am
Probably. Dutchies are such special boys. :)
December 11th, 2006 at 5:36 pm
*blink, blink*
*dead from classy*
Anyway, you know, I don’t even remember their birthdays? I remember signs, and if things ended poorly, I pretend I will avoid such signs in future. As in “…damned Sagittarian whores…” or “…bloody two-faced geminis…” etc.
So, short answer…nope. I don’t call.
December 11th, 2006 at 5:55 pm
“Bloody two-faced geminis”. HILARIOUS! :)
December 31st, 2006 at 3:54 pm
So, just wondering what you guys think…..
My ex and I broke up 6 wks. ago. It was mutual, I guess. I’d like to work things out, but he’s not willing (this was break up no. 3).
Anyway, I’m curious – should I leave him a text on his birthday? I want him to know I’m thinking of him. I love him. I want him back. He on the other hand, does not want to go there.
Should I text or just leave it be?
January 1st, 2007 at 12:18 pm
My vote is: leave it be. If he has made it’s clear that he’s not interested ( … and it sounds like he has …), part of your healing, your “moving on” might be to *not* do things that remind you of him.
November 12th, 2007 at 4:05 am
Tempting and a great excuse to talk to him, but I would never call…the way I see it, if the idiot doesnt know that Im already thinking about him on his birthday, he isnt worth the call…plus, a 10 minute happy birthday conversation can turn into a week of tears and a few sleepless nights for me…no thanks, I’ll pass…let him miss me on this special day and let him think I dont give a rats a** that its his birthday.
November 12th, 2007 at 6:07 am
You speak the truth! :)
December 27th, 2007 at 9:29 am
Yah know, sometime people are different in this case, I broke up with my ex 7 years ago and I still think I love her and I do call her, on her side, she just receive my phones call and say thank and that even made me keep calling her. Im single and so she does. I do hope that one day she will forgive me and come to me. I need to marry her if she say yes.. I think its good to call ex at anytime you think about her/him depending on how you feel again about her.. waiting for your comment..Thanks
December 28th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
Thanks for commenting! :)
June 12th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Hey I was googling and found this topic. Interesting because my ex calls me every year on my birthday and I have been returning the favor. it’s been almost three years and i feel like it continues to set me back so I texed him please dont call anymore. He broke it off so why does he call every year ?