Rewind 5 years. It’s the middle of the night, and I receive a call from the guy that I am going to marry. He sounds upset, and he wants to come over immediately. I have no way of knowing what the news is but, from the tone of his voice, I can tell that it’s not good news. During the 10 minutes that it takes him to drive from his house to my house, a million different implausible scenarios run through my head: He’s cheating on me. He wants to break up. He found out that he has a terrible disease. He wants to leave the US and go back to his home country (the Netherlands). But, my instincts tell me that none of those scenarios would make any sense. The only one that does make sense is the one that scares me the most: maybe, his father has died?
When my guy arrives, he’s crying. I ask about his father, but he tells me that his father is fine. “Then, what’s wrong?” I ask. That’s when I hear him say: “I can’t do this anymore. This isn’t working.” So, that’s his news? He wants to break up with me? But, now, I’m confused. People who are going to marry don’t “break up” do they? I mean, you know, they get married. Don’t they? Oddly enough, the next words out of my mouth are: “But, I all ready got the cake.”
You see, the ironic thing about the timing of the breakup with The Guy I Almost Married (TGIAM) is that his birthday was the very next day. I’d all ready secretly planned a surprise birthday party, and it was going to be a huge bash at my house. I had invited all of his friends, my friends and “our” friends. I had tons of decorations hidden. And, of course, I had a beautiful cake. Needless to say, I cancelled the party. (And, I threw his cake in the trash.) Time passed. We moved on. We kept in touch. I started dating someone else. And, eventually, TGIAM’s calls happened less frequently. Fast forward to today. TGIAM’s birthday was last week. As with the past three years, I didn’t call him on his birthday. Some years, I forgot about it. And, the years I didn’t forget, I didn’t feel the need to call. (My mantra? Exes aren’t “friends”, they’re “exes”.) Still, because TGIAM and I were once so close, I wonder if I would feel differently about calling him on his birthday if the day wasn’t so closely-related to our breakup. Hmmm … How about you? Do any of you call your exes on their birthdays?
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
First time here and hells no I never call, you can call me bitter, I don’t mind. To me, calling to say “Happy Birthday”, is the same as saying I’m thinking of you and that’s the last thing I want my ex to think. Yanno?
ya, i’d keep communication to a minimum. in most cases, even friendly break-ups, it’s just not worth the unncessary drama – whether there is any or not. because let’s face it, if he didn’t react at all, that might be even worse than if he did.
can’t win. let sleeping dogs lie.
_
Only if we’re still friends, even then it’s more like an email or a text, and even then I feel it’s pretty obligatory because they wish me on mine. I’m not bitter in any way but you know, most post-breakup feelings are either bitterness (hope you’ve been miserable) and/or guilt (I feel awful you dropped out of college because of us breaking up) and digging all that up really isn’t fun.
Sorry to hear about TGIAM, that sounds awful! Did he ever give a decent reason as to why he did that?
That’s an interesting story and most of us can relate, I know I can. To be honest FBC, if I had healed as a result of being in heavier relationships after that one and we were now “friends”, I would wish him well — you would definitely be the better person. Keep in mind that you are doing this unconditionally, DO NOT expect anything, OK?
I’m with Bunny and miss anon. A call definitely tells him you are thinking of him and either want him to be thinking of you OR you want to let him know just how good life is without him. Those thoughts might not be your concious motivation but, bottom line, they will be the result.
I agree, sleeping dogs should be left alone.
I don’t call, write, or even think in their direction though I do have a funny story. One year I got really organized and put all the e-cards I had to send at hallmark for the year. I thought this was a great idea….well when I and ex broke up, I didn’t even think about this major organizational feet. Needless to say a few months later when his birthday rolled around, I got a long (very, as if I cared what he had been up to) email saying thanks for the card, here is what I am doing, how are you, blah blah blah blah. I learned a valuable lesson that day….never be to organized LOL :)
Seeing as I laughed and mocked (and blogged about it!) when I got a b-day email from my ex this year, there is NO way I’d ever call. Once I’m completely done, I’m done. It doesn’t mean I don’t wish them well, think they are still wonderful people, but they are exes for a reason, so there really isn’t any reason for me to bring it back to the present by acknowledging their day of birth. I don’t know, this isn’t bitterness calling, but maybe me having learned way too many lessons the hard way?… It’s best to let it lie, I guess.
Shitty story, though. Stupid TGIAM. ;o)
As horrible as my ex was to me — lying, cheating (with a man!), manipulative and a user, etc. — I still texted him on his birthday. Even as he was leaving on an out-of-town trip with a woman “friend” of his he allowed to be completely rude to me during our relationship and one who he claimed to “despise.” (But didn’t hesitate to whisk out of town in secret).
Anyway, I still wished him a happy birthday. I got a perfunctory text back saying “thanks.” But I realized I’d wasted my time. I shouldn’t have bothered. (And, of course, you know I didn’t hear from him when my birthday rolled around two months after his…)
He is the type of person who plans things months in advance. So we already had talked about what we might do for his birthday about three or four months earlier. We were flirting with a trip to the Dominican Republic suggested by his sister. For some dumb reason I thought of that, fondly, when I wished him a happy birthday that morning. Nostalgia — it’s dangerous.
Ultimately, I agree with you: No matter how close you once were, exes are just that. And usually for a good reason. Better to leave them be.
All of my exes can eat me. I wouldn’t call them if they knew the winning lotto number.
So you have wished this jerk well on his birthday in the past? Honey, you are so much better than that and you are lucky that the two of you didn’t marry. Breaking up is better than divorce. Leave him be. If he wants a birthday wish from you, he’ll call you.
bunny: WELCOME TO THE BLOG!!! :) Hope you stick around a bit. And, by the way, very good point — calling would be the same thing as saying I’m thinking of you.
miss anon: Yeah, in general, we only email a couple of times a year. And, that’s a bit odd for me considering the fact that I don’t really keep in touch with any of my ex-boys. (If Le Canadien didn’t come to New York so often, we would probably never keep in touch.)
Darwin: Ooooh, I like what you say about, “most post-breakup feelings are either bitterness (hope you’ve been miserable) and/or guilt (I feel awful you dropped out of college because of us breaking up).” This totally gives me an idea for a post!! Stay tuned. Oh, and … no he never gave me a logical reason. The best I got were two explanations that seemed to contradict themselves: “things are moving too fast” and “you’re not letting me get close to you”. Whatever. I didn’t press him for more details because it didn’t matter. As painful as it was at the time, he wanted out of the relationship and that was all that I needed to know. I’m not the type of woman who’s gonna hold on to to a guy begging, “Noooooo! Please, please don’t go!” When TGIAM broke up with me, I let him go.
Maria: Trust me — he’s in the past and he’s gonna stay there. I’m not gonna call him. Interestingly enough, I *did* call him on his birthday two years after we broke up. For that story, see my comment to MamaChristy below.
Laurie: Hmmm … sleeping dogs should be left alone. Very good point. Although I didn’t call him on his birthday, I was thinking of responding to his recent email. (Either I email him or he emails me about once or twice a year.)
History Chic: THAT’S FUNNY!!!!! :)
AmyD: Yeah, the whole thing was really shitty. But, that’s the past. I’ve taken from it what I could, and life has moved on.
Chicklet: You said, “exes are just that. And usually for a good reason.” That’s exactly why I don’t believe in the whole friends with exes things. Whatever caused me to break with them (or them with me) isn’t gonna change. If there was a reason why I didn’t want to date them (or, again, they me), that same reason is probably gonna stand in the way of us being friends, no?
AWE: Your comment made me laugh!!! :)
MamaChristy: Oh, but that’s the worst part … The first year after we broke up, I *didn’t* call but *HE* called *ME* on *HIS* birthday. I’d forgotten about it because I’d moved on. (By that point, I’d all ready been dating Blondie for about 5 months.) Okay, so, TGIAM calls me that first year, right? I don’t remember that it’s his birthday, so I just start in with small talk. Good to hear from you. How’s it going? What have you been up to? Everything okay? So, then, he reminds me that it’s his birthday, and I feel *SUPER* horrible for forgetting it. I apologize and what not. But, then, a month later, it’s my birthday. And, you know what? You guessed it — TGIAM doesn’t call me to wish me Happy Birthday. Of course, I don’t call him to remind him or anything because (1) don’t care and (2) I’m still dating Blondie. But, at the end of that same year, choosing to be the bigger person, I actually call TGIAM to wish him Happy Birthday. I’d broken up with Blondie by then, but I was dating Le Canadien at the time. But, that was the last time that I called him on b-day. And, the only reason I thought about him today is because I received an email from him recently. That made me remember that his birthday was coming up. And, then, that made me think about the issue of calling exes on their birthdays. Hence, the post.
Well it’s been three years. I have remembered the birthday once or twice.
No call.
Can I retract my comment? It can’t be too late. I think I set women back 100 years. Maybe this is why I’m single.
Raymond: Probably a good thing.
Maria: Sweetie, no, you didn’t set women back!!! :) The reason that I called TGIAM that second year is because I wanted to take the high road. There’s nothing weak or unwomanly about doing something because it seems like “the right thing to do.” But, hell, what do I know? I’m just a chick with a blog. Besides, I don’t think any of us — whether married or single — really has it all figured out.
Always.
I call all 3 ‘loves of my life’ on their B’day (or within 2 days if it happened to slip my mind cuz it’s the weekend).
Note that in all 3 cases we ‘broke up with each other’ (we changed, life changed, etc.).
I tried calling some of the girls I ‘dumped’ (which usually meant I quietly slipped out of their lives) and notice they don’t pick up the phone or answer the email… I still try.
PS The three LOML above call me too. I’m not one of those ex-stalkers…
Could this be a Dutch thing? Pffffrrrttt.
Probably. Dutchies are such special boys. :)
*blink, blink*
*dead from classy*
Anyway, you know, I don’t even remember their birthdays? I remember signs, and if things ended poorly, I pretend I will avoid such signs in future. As in “…damned Sagittarian whores…” or “…bloody two-faced geminis…” etc.
So, short answer…nope. I don’t call.
“Bloody two-faced geminis”. HILARIOUS! :)
So, just wondering what you guys think…..
My ex and I broke up 6 wks. ago. It was mutual, I guess. I’d like to work things out, but he’s not willing (this was break up no. 3).
Anyway, I’m curious – should I leave him a text on his birthday? I want him to know I’m thinking of him. I love him. I want him back. He on the other hand, does not want to go there.
Should I text or just leave it be?
My vote is: leave it be. If he has made it’s clear that he’s not interested ( … and it sounds like he has …), part of your healing, your “moving on” might be to *not* do things that remind you of him.
Tempting and a great excuse to talk to him, but I would never call…the way I see it, if the idiot doesnt know that Im already thinking about him on his birthday, he isnt worth the call…plus, a 10 minute happy birthday conversation can turn into a week of tears and a few sleepless nights for me…no thanks, I’ll pass…let him miss me on this special day and let him think I dont give a rats a** that its his birthday.
You speak the truth! :)
Yah know, sometime people are different in this case, I broke up with my ex 7 years ago and I still think I love her and I do call her, on her side, she just receive my phones call and say thank and that even made me keep calling her. Im single and so she does. I do hope that one day she will forgive me and come to me. I need to marry her if she say yes.. I think its good to call ex at anytime you think about her/him depending on how you feel again about her.. waiting for your comment..Thanks
Thanks for commenting! :)
Hey I was googling and found this topic. Interesting because my ex calls me every year on my birthday and I have been returning the favor. it’s been almost three years and i feel like it continues to set me back so I texed him please dont call anymore. He broke it off so why does he call every year ?
I think if they care about you that much, they’ll actually let you know regardless of a birthday. I say to any woman that has had their heart broken, as I have, don’t call. Protect your self. As one very wise woman said, a birthday phone call to an ex has the potential to leave you in tears for nights, and depressed for days.
My fiance was 41 and I was 27. I was studying law and working to contribute to HIS home, and always tried to look beautiful and make him happy. Then slowly I realised he was doing sneaky and dishonest things like searching for casual sex online, getting emai registrations for adult websites, and even calling an ex who’s name was saved in his phone as ‘Deryk’. I asked him about these things and stupidly I was naiive because I was so in love with him. But he was lying to me. This man really broke my heart. We were engaged for 2 years. He would travel frequently as a freelance camera operator in television, and would drink a lot with his mates. I tolerated all these things because I actually believed he was my best friend. It didn’t make him love me more.
So I eventually decided to leave him. But I showed him the lease for the place I was looking at renting before I signed it. He didn’t blink an eyelid. He didn’t ask me to stay, or apologise, or tell me he wanted me. So I signed the lease. The night before I moved out, he went to the local club to play Trivia with his family and friends while I packed. The following day when it was time for me to leave with all my things, he told me he would drive me to my knew place but he wouldn’t be making more than one trip there! So instead I got a cab.
He tried to contact me quite a lot after I left, and one day he brought around roses to my front door. But only a couple of days after that he told me that he wanted to be friends and work our way up from there. After we were engaged, and he had broken my heart, he wanted to be friends? I said absolutely not. I could never be his friend.
I had always hoped this time apart and my decision to ‘make a stand’ would make him come to his senses, or miss me. But it didn’t. His birthday was coming up and I asked him if he would like to do something for his birthday. He told me that he was invited to go out with some mates to see a band play in town. I guess my reaction showed that I was hurt by this, and so he then said that I could come along too. As his friend? There was too much hurt and embarrassment that I felt to go a club with his older, married friends who no doubt had their own opinions about me, and the break up and what was best.
So I accpeted it. And the next time he called I told him that although I still loved him, I couldn’t speak to him anymore. I couldn’t handle his put-downs and criticisms about me, or the torture that he wanted to be friends and to see how things go form there. A few days later and I was getting calls from him but I didn’t pick up. I don’t know what he wanted to say, but he didn’t leave a message. But I didn’t call him on his birthday.
It all depends on the situation…..if she has qualities I like, I would call her. Its’ always nice to have friends with benefits.(F.W. B.). You never know.
Not sure if anybody is looking to this blog now but still giving it a shot.
Met a girl. went around for around 1 year.. unfortunately had a mutual break-up.. Kept in touch for sometime then a complete blackout.. Last year she messaged she was going to marry.. yes it killed my heart but I wished her congratulations.. Haven’t kept in touch since then.
She did not wish me on my b’day that year.. Should I wish her on hers.. I want to but don’t want to mess up her married life if its going great and don’t want her to go through the guilt road trip as well.
Would appreciate any comments.
PS Her b’day is today :)
Not sure if anybody is looking to this blog now but still giving it a shot.
Met a girl. went around for around 1 year.. unfortunately had a mutual break-up.. Kept in touch for sometime then a complete blackout.. Last year she messaged she was going to marry.. yes it killed my heart but I still wished her congratulations.. Haven’t kept in touch since then.
She did not wish me on my b’day that year.. Should I wish her on hers.. I want to but don’t want to mess up her married life if its going great and don’t want her to go through the guilt road trip as well.
Would appreciate any comments.
PS Her b’day is today :)