It Is My F-cking Business!
If you’re dating two guys at the same time, should you tell each of them that you’re seeing someone else? This is the question that I debated with a friend recently. Wait … Let me give you a little background information … if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that I’m originally from the cornfields of Illinois and I live in the big city now. New York City. Okay, so, my friend and I were discussing the differences between dating in Chicago and dating in New York.
CHICAGO DATING. In general, in Chicago, I think I only dated one person at a time. And the guys that I dated were only dating me. It’s more of a “marry and move to the suburbs” kind of place. And, it’s true that people get married quicker in Chicago than they do in New York. So, if I *were* to date more than person at a time in Chicago, I would certainly *tell* each of them.
NEW YORK DATING. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: dating in New York is like a full contact sport. Multi-dating is not only common, it often feels like the norm. And, apparently, there’s no need to tell the people that you’re dating that you’re seeing other people because: (1) that’s understood to be the case unless you or they say otherwise, and (2) it’s not their business. Hmmmm … it’s that last bit that gets to me the most: Not. Their. Business. None of my business? Call me a freak, but I definitely think it *is* my f-cking business. I mean, really, if I’m dating a guy (for, say, 2 – 3 months or more) I think I certainly deserve to know if he’s dating someone else. I mean, I’d tell *him* if I were dating someone else.
All of this is, of course, hypothetically speaking. I’m not seriously dating two people at the same time at the moment. In fact, I’m not seriously dating anyone. I’ve recently been on a couple of dates with one cutie in particular; but, I’m choosing to refrain from blogging about that for now. Privacy, you know? But, anyway, back to the hypothetical question … I’d be interested to know what others out there think about the whole “Date and Tell” thing. If you’re dating more than one person at a same time, at what point should you tell the folks about the other dates? Or, should you never “date and tell”?
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January 23rd, 2007 at 10:13 am
Yeah. Obviously not on the first date; “so what do you do, where are you from, are you seeing anyone else” is way too stalker-like! But yeah after a couple of dates, especially if the concept of being exclusive has been broached, you tell and expect to be told.
January 23rd, 2007 at 11:20 am
I’m a proponent of the don’t ask/ don’t tell policy.
First off, I don’t want to know anything because I know I’ll obsess over it. “What if she’s skinnier than me?” “What if she’s funnier?”
Then I like to have more than one in the mix so I don’t fall for the guy who will inevitably choose the skinnier, funnier version. I think it’s more of a self-preservation thing more than anything.
January 23rd, 2007 at 11:22 am
Also, like NYC, it is very much parallel dating (multiple people) in Atlanta.
January 23rd, 2007 at 1:33 pm
I personally think that until you both have talked about where the relationship is going, and have made some kind of a commitment to one another (some might think beginning to openly refer to the other person as “boyfriend/girlfriend” could be this step), and the two of you have solidified what you are there for, it’s free game.
Don’t get me wrong; I’ve never really put this practice to use, because I’m pretty much a Midwest, one-man kind of woman, but there were a couple times I probably SHOULD have brought it up. Like that one time I arrived at the door of what I thought was my boyfriend (of 3-4 months) to surprise him after coming back into town, only to have him crack the door open a little, say “Now is not a good time” and eventually got him to admit he had another girl there with him. Nice, huh?
So yeah, having that “we are X” conversation would pretty much bring you to the point where you should begin telling the other person if you are seeing someone else. Cuz’ it’s…helpful, you know? SHEESH. ;o)
January 23rd, 2007 at 2:55 pm
OK, the first couple of dates (any where up to where you are starting to feel a connection..could be 3, could be 10)…nah not an important conversation to have (ok remember I have a 6 week rule..which one of these days I will explain…so the first part of dating is actually less stressful for me).
Personally, I have the talk after date 3. Not the where do we stand talk but the are we seeing other people talk. I always broach it like I am having a fantastic time hanging with you and want to continue to do so. This question I am asking is not a “dating check” but a “fairness check”, just a simple yes or no to seeing other people? Usually it goes pretty well and just continues after that!! I have gotten both answers to that question and it didn’t bug me either way. Though, if they say yes and start to elaborate..I stop them, I don’t want to know.
Next one is a MUST in my book. I think you should have it if you are sleeping together because you should know. That is a health and otherwise emotional risk (for most people). Even if you are ok with sleeping with other people (very valid choice), you should know for several different reasons :)
Oh, great show last night :)
January 23rd, 2007 at 3:08 pm
PS… on the fairness check, if the answer is yes…I say that I won’t bring it up again but will assume we are seeing other people until he asks about it.
January 23rd, 2007 at 3:15 pm
History Chic – I was just going to say the same thing about the sex. If you are f-cking someone, it is TOTALLY your business if they are sleeping with someone else. For me, it was no multi-dating if I was sleeping with someone. And if we weren’t sleeping together but were serious, I considered him sleeping with someone else to be cheating.
FunkyB – Are New York daters more lax on this sort of rule when it comes to the nasty?
January 23rd, 2007 at 4:24 pm
I’m with History Chic and MamaChristy–it’s a whole different situation if you’re having sex. At that point, you should definitely know whether you’re the only one the guy is dating.
The first few-to-several dates I think it’s fair game to be dating other people, though. Particularly if you’re meeting people online and therefore likely meeting other people at the same time. I think it’s expected in that scenario that both parties are exploring and weighing their options.
January 23rd, 2007 at 7:01 pm
this is really interesting, and i’m not being ironic here. one of the reasons why i love your blog fbc, is because it explains many things that confused me while i was in the states. i think people around here (in good ol’ germany) would consider it rather… odd to be multi-dating, but then again, i live in the south where everything’s a little more conservative anyway. granted, there’s a fine line between meeting someone for dinner&drinks (which, nine times out of ten, is totally casual) and going out on a regular basis – but i think if you’ve had a little more physical contact (and that starts with kissing), finding out that the person your seeing is doing the same with someone else is seen as a deal breaker. unless of course it’s clear from the start that it’s just sex&fun anyway, then there’s no problem with meeting other people as the ‘relationship’ is primarly about the physical and not the emotional aspect. but anything in between’s pretty much a no-go here – at least from my experience. thanks for posting, now i can cross out another question mark ;)
January 23rd, 2007 at 9:51 pm
Omg, I’m going thru some insecurites with my man now.. do you read my mind or what? Anyway, if he’d date sb else I’d definetely like to know.. so have courage to tell me ass! Me, on the other hand, have never dated 2 guys at once and I’d never do it.. First, it sounds just wrong but also: when would I have time for so much? jeez, I don’t even wanna picture that!
January 24th, 2007 at 12:29 am
Darwin: Exactly! It’s all about the timing. Asking too soon *is* stalkerish. But, asking too late can be a bad thing too.
Sarah: Oooooh, your “skinnier than me” comment inspired me to write a post about my fatphobia. If not tomorrow, I’ll do it the day after. And, I’m not surprised that ATL is like NYC. Both cities have really poor straight women to straight men ratios. Too many of us, too few of them. :)
AmyD: Are you KIDDING?!??!!! That guy’s an ass.
History Chic: Yeah, I think things are different if you’re sleeping with the guy.
MamaChristy: I’m not sure how the average New Yorker feels about this stuff. Generally speaking, my thoughts are that I’m not gonna sleep with a guy unless we’re exclusive.
stefanie: Yeah, sex changes everything …
Firefly: Thanks; glad that you like the blog!!! :) And, BTW, some day you’ll have to let me know what your other question marks about living in the US are. :-)
Nat: Yeah, you bring up a good point … the need to have courage to tell and/or ask the other person about what’s going on with the relationship.
January 24th, 2007 at 12:41 am
Never date and tell. Never.
January 24th, 2007 at 12:44 am
REALLY??? :-) But, what if a guy likes you and he specifically asks you if you’re dating other folks. That could complicate things.
January 24th, 2007 at 3:16 am
I’m a SoCal girl who lived in NYC for two years for the first time right out of college, then recently (about two years ago). in both instances, i agree w/FBC – dating is a commando-sport out there! I was shocked – SHOCKED – at how much sex goes on (stepping out, multiple dating, one-nighters, etc.) my friends (single and married) were engaged in, and i’m from the alledged land of the “swinging singles.” we’d meet for drinks and i’d be all like “WTF???” every week after hearing one ridiculous tryst after another. which proves another point – it’s impossible to keep a secret a secret when you do it – somebody always finds out/gossips/etc. interestingly, the most active friends either wrote or acted in soap operas; maybe it’s an occupational hazard.
personally, dating more than one guy isn’t my style – i’m pretty old school and believe in giving a guy i like my focus and fairness.
January 24th, 2007 at 3:47 am
Since getting to know A.T. I’d hate for him to turn around and tell me he’s also ‘dating’ someone else. I’d chop off his left nut.
:o)
January 24th, 2007 at 7:53 am
susan: I sooo don’t think it’s an occupational hazard. I really think it’s the city. I have friends who work in all kinds of sectors — nonprofit, financial, health, etc. — and everyone is saying the same thing.
Bexxie: YAY!!! My spam blocker didn’t block your comment. The adjustment must have worked. :) BTW, glad to hear that you’re happy with AT … and, at the moment, it sounds like his left nut is safe. ;)
January 25th, 2007 at 8:28 pm
IMHO multi-dating becomes weird as soon as the nasty has happened more than once… Having on-going ’sexual relations’ with multiple people who do NOT know about each other is not done (I’m not talking about spouses here, that’s a different story altogether).
This reminds me… As a long overdue response to ‘Joan Unknown’, whom I met in the Summer of ‘94…
Sorry I walked away without saying a word. I was simply in shock…
YES, that was a nice kiss, YES, I think you’re very hot, YES, I’m horny as hell, but NO I do not ‘trust you’ enough to have unprotected sex with you on a lawn in Central Park, whether you’re on the pill or not…
Did ya really think I forgot the ‘war stories’ of your sexual escapades with virtual strangers in said park? I always assumed there were condoms… kinky is quite OK, but ignorant is a whole different ballgame…
January 26th, 2007 at 5:43 am
Who the hell is Joan? Actually, I take that back. I don’t wanna know.
There’s nothing sillier than unprotected sex. Well, maybe some things are sillier, but I don’t know what those things are.