Girl with Boyfriend Meets Boy Friend
BACKGROUND: In Act I, Flora makes a telephone call from Austin, TX to her friend Funky Brown Chick in New York City. From the conversation, we learn that Funky Brown Chick is perpetually single and Flora has a boyfriend named Juan. Act II begins midway through the telephone call.
Act II
FBC: Who’s Roger?
FLORA: Roger is just this guy. I met him last weekend; he seems nice. He knows the city really well and …
FBC: And?
FLORA: And, so, we exchanged cards. He emailed me to ask if I’d like to go to dinner at this really authentic Mexican restaurant that he mentioned when we met.
FBC: Just the two of you?
FLORA: I think so.
FBC: Is this a date?
FLORA: No. No. Definitely not. I have a boyfriend. Remember?!?! His name is Juan.
FBC: I know about Juan. But, does Roger?
FLORA: No.
FBC: You didn’t tell him?
FLORA: It hasn’t come up yet … I wasn’t sure how or when to mention it. That’s always the dilemna.
FBC: What do you mean?
FLORA: Well, when you meet someone new — and it’s clear that they want to get to know you better — I never know when to bring up the fact that I’m in a relationship.
FBC: That’s tricky. If you bring it up too early, the guy could always say, “Hey lady, I’m not coming on to you. I just said we should hang out sometime.” But, if you don’t mention it, you run the risk of leading someone on. And, nobody likes to be led on.
FLORA: Exactly. So, what’s the answer? When should I mention it?
FBC: I don’t know.
FLORA: Oooooh. You should write a post about that on your blog, and ask your readers what they think.
FBC: Hmmm … That’s a good idea. Maybe I will.
Act III
FBC: [sitting in front of computer, typing] “Assuming that it’s possible for men and women to be platonic friends, I ask you this: if you’re in a committed relationship (i.e. dating, living together, married, etc.), when should you tell tell a potential friend about your relationship? When should a girl tell her boy friend about her boyfriend?
READERS: [sitting in front of computer, typing] ______________*
* Please feel free to use the comment section to share your thoughts.
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Today’s FBC post on Nerve: Tell Me: Are You Hot Right Now?
February 27th, 2007 at 2:53 am
Maybe the best way is to mention him during the course of the conversation? Talk about a trip that you guys took together recently, or about a movie you saw together or something. Then you can gauge from the new friend’s reaction: if he asks you about your boyfriend, then you two can talk it over and get over that hurdle. If he doesn’t ask… well, wait and see if he ever calls you to hang out again.
This is a tricky area, indeed…
February 27th, 2007 at 3:06 am
There’s no hard and set rule – but a good guide? Once you start thinking ’should I mention I have a boyfriend?’ that’s about the time… You don’t have to make a big deal about it – it could be as simple as “Mexican? Ooh I love Mexican and my boyfriend hates it. It’s nice to have a friend who loves it too.”
Okay – really corny – but you get the gist….
February 27th, 2007 at 3:41 am
I think most people know when they should bring it up, they’re just not sure how to. True story; I started developing a wee crush on one another student here. Nothing serious mind you, I just thought he was cute and a decent eye-candyish distraction from work. So we head out to a pub after work for a few drinks and we get to talking and he mentions he has a gf. It wasn’t as if he thought I was hitting on him and thought he should bring it up, it just came up when we were talking about what we did last weekend. Very casual. Obv I don’t fancy him anymore (he’s taken PLUS he’s pilfering into my stock of ampicilin in the lab grrr) so no hard feelings.
Really, if you don’t do it there is a good chance you end up being the jerk that leads the guy/girl on. The sooner the unavailablility is made clear, the greater chance there is of an actual possible friendship rather than bitter “what you had a boyfriend for the past 6 months and you never thought to tell me?! Gah!!”
February 27th, 2007 at 9:39 am
Well, that she didn’t mention Juan to Roger right away tells me that one of two things are happening here. 1) Flora is so committed to Juan that she forgets to mention that she is unavailable. She assumes that people can tell by her demenor that she’s a taken lady and doesn’t even think about mentioning it until she’s in the car on the way home. 2) Flora hasn’t decided if she really wants to keep Juan around long term and “forgets” to mention it until she sees how things are going on the “non-date.”
Now if it’s #1, Flora should mention Juan to Roger the next time she sees him at the first time it makes sense in the conversation. Don’t lead the guy on, but try to make it casual enough that you can both pretend this was something that he should have automatically known so you can have a pleasant dinner. Flora should pay for her own meal and drinks.
If option #2 is closer to the truth (Am I warm at all on this one?), Flora should still mention Juan as “a guy I’ve been seeing” so that Roger isn’t expecting an exclusive relationship right away. “Boyfriend” is more committed that “seeing someone.” Of course, the right thing to do before the date – without mentioning the date with Roger – is that Flora should discuss with Juan the status of their relationship. If she’s interested in dating other people, Juan has a right to know that even if he doesn’t have the right to know who else she wants to date. But, this could very probably mean the end of the relationship with Juan, so caution about what she wants to do and what is right to do is a border that should be navagated with care.
Good luck! Let us know how it turns out!
February 27th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
I think she should let him know before the date.
Because it is one.
February 27th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
it could be both 1 and 2. when girls tell me that they have a bf, it’s usually a deflating feeling. like, a truth i don’t want to hear. but, it’s better to tell the truth now than later.
February 27th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
I find it’s pretty easy to preface making plans by saying something like, “(Boyfriend’s name) will be working/playing/washing his hair, so he won’t be able to join us, but we should meet up for coffee. It’ll be fun!” or something lame-o like that. No one likes to be led on. And besides, if you’re loyal to your partner, it’s just the right thing to do, IMHO.
February 27th, 2007 at 7:30 pm
Why didn’t Flora mention Juan when speaking to Roger when they first met? I’m not sure I understand that part. If I’m speaking to a guy I’ve just met, I make mention of my partner (if set in a social scenario) .. unless of course I didn’t care too much for him and was looking for some action. But that’s just not something I’d do.
I wouldn’t like my b/f going out for mexican with some girl he had just met … f*ck THAT!!
;o)
February 27th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
I think that she should go to that dinner and when they sit she should mention something like “It’s good that I’ve met you ‘cuz you’re such a nice guy (some padding about how awesome he is.. whatever!) and many guys usually run away when they now I’m in a serious relationship” bla bla
February 28th, 2007 at 12:45 am
kyla: That’s actually a good idea.
Lala: GOOD idea: “Once you start thinking ’should I mention I have a boyfriend?’ that’s about the time…”
Darwin: That’s sooo true. No one likes to feel led on.
MamaChristy: You are a very very wise woman. :-) And, yes, I’ll keep you guys updated.
Sarah: Hmmm …. It’s an interesting question … When two people who don’t know either other — and one of the people is a man, the other is a woman and both are straight — meet for dinner, is it *automatically* a date? I don’t know.
melo: Yeah, it’s like that whole “I wanna know but I’m so disappointed that you’ve told me” thing.
AmyD: Good idea to slip it in their casually.
Bexxie: When I’m dating someone exclusively … hold on … let me try to remember back that far … okay, so, the last time that I was dating someone exclusive, I don’t think I always mentioned him when I met new people. If he came up, he did. If he didn’t, he didn’t. I don’t think I ever made a real effort to make sure that it was something that I mentioned. Usually it comes up naturally anyway … On a diff note … Yeah, I wouldn’t like it if my b/f went out for Mexican with some girl he had just met either. But, I’m an impossible person — I’d expect him to be okay with it because he knows that I I wouldn’t cheat, but I soooo wouldn’t be okay with it if he did it. I’m learning to be less selfish in relationships.
Nat: Hmmm … so far, the votes seem to be in favor of slipping it in when she meets the guy face to face.
February 28th, 2007 at 7:35 pm
I must be old school. I think the appropriate time to mention that you have a boyfriend is when your are asked to dinner, “Sorry, I am in a committed relationship and don’t think having dinner alone with you would be appropriate.”
But that’s just me.
March 1st, 2007 at 12:18 am
And, that’s exactly what I like about the opinions expressed on this blog. Everybody’s got really different ideas about relationships, sex, how stuff works, etc. I love my readers!!! :) Maaan, I should do another Reader Appreciate Day. Hmmm … coming soon!
March 5th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
It’s all about expectation management: i.e. sooner rather than later…
Once ‘informed of the facts’ the recipient can a) adjust his/her actions accordingly or b) ignore them completely.
FWIW, I have noticed more than once that telling a girl in NY you’re married doesn’t necessarily have the intended effect of inhibiting their behavior… can anyone (F) please explain this to me?
PS Should I wear a button? “Please don’t tease the married man…”
June 25th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
No, but you should wear a button that says “Please Slap Me If You Find Me Flirting with Single Chicks Yet Again.” ;-)
August 8th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
i want to contact my girl