Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

Head … Or, Was That “Heads”?

I lied. I said that I’d write about the Tudors party on Nerve yesterday; but I had a *crazy* day, and I didn’t get around to doing half of the things that I needed to and/or wanted to do. At any rate, I’ve decided to write about a bit about the Tudors here as well. (I’m still working out what gets posted on which blog. Bear with me; it’s all going to be pretty organic for a little while.)

Okay, so, as you probably already know, The Tudors is Showtime’s historical dramatic series about the life and times of King Henry VIII. If period pieces are your thing, you’ll probably find the Tudors to be a very sexy and appealing show. If sexy and appealing shows are your thing, you’ll watch the Tudors and think, “heeeey, this is actually a historical dramatic series!” What else can I tell you about the show? JRM puts on a great British accent. The costumes are AMAZING. And, I don’t think that I’ve seen that much sex advertised on the scene since the last time I went to see a Bertolucci film. Check it out. The first two episodes are available (free) online.

Now, the Tudors party. As I mentioned before, I love going to private events, launch parties and other kinds of soirées that seem to happen on a nightly basis in New York City. But, the funny thing about my love of these parties is this: I am not “cool”. I probably drink more than I should and, without fail, I usually end up doing or saying something wildly inappropriate to someone deemed to be wildly important. Remember when I stole that old man’s candy at Bro’s charity event??? Oh, and, at the Tudors party, I accidentally brushed against this woman’s knee. Sane people probably would have just said “oops, sorry” or ignored the incident. Me? What did I do? I grabbed the woman’s knee again, proceeded to massage it with exaggerated motions and said, “Oh, GAWD!!! I, like, practically molested your fucking knee!!” I am not suave. And, I make no pretense that I am. So, when I go to these parties, I usually end up hanging out with the people who aren’t pretending to be cool; they’re just there to enjoy themselves and have a good time. And, that’s the story that I’ve (finally) posted on Nerve.

Oh, wait! What’s that you say? You say that I promised you a story about head? That was a reference to King Henry VIII’s beheaded 2nd wife, Anne Boleyn. The marketing campaign for the Tudors party included a group of costumed actors screaming something like “queens have a right to heads” in front of the W Hotel Union Square. Very cute.

March 30th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [8] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Jonathan Rhys Meyers

1:02am. That’s when I got home last night. I went to this “private screening event fit for royalty” ( … that’s what the invite said … ) for the sexy new Showtime series The Tudors. I had a great night! Drinks. Hors d’oeuvres. Head. Oops. Did I say “head”? I meant heads. Plural. Yeah, so, um, the screening was great but the *real* fun happened after the event. Are you thinking what I think you think I think you’re thinking? In that case, I think you’re right. At any rate, I’ll post the full details on Nerve. Later today, go over there to check it out.

March 29th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [5] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Creeps, Serial Killers & Other Hotties

Have you ever found yourself attracted to a man who you thought was completely adorable — only to have him open his mouth and completely ruin it for you? This is the topic of my discussion with Brilliant Tranny Coworker. And, I’m not being facetious; [s]he really is brilliant. But, anyway, so Brilliant Tranny Coworker and I are chatting the other day when [s]he asks, “Is it a bad thing that I think Michael Oliver is attractive?” [S]he laughs, “You should blog about that: people you’re attracted to who you totally shouldn’t be.” Man, I *love* it when people give me random ideas for blog article topics! So, here we go … If Looks Could Kill: Good-looking People Who Would Be More Attractive If Their Bigotry, Child Molestation Charges, Murder Records or Other General Character Flaws Didn’t Get In The Way. Shit. That’s waaay too long. How about this: Creeps, Serial Killers and Other Hotties? That works. I’m gonna roll with it.

Here we go … Channel surfing one day, I saw Andrew Cunanan’s image flashed across my television screen. “Oooooh,” I purred, “he’s hot!!! Who is he?!?!” Unfortunately, the man who could rock both the Thuggish look (#3) and the Hot Geek look (#4) equally well, was the accused killer of prolific designer Gianni Versace. Oops.The next baddy hottie is R. Kelly (#5). Ah, where do I begin with this guy? Before I found out that he was a child molester who loves flirting with criminal charges for statutory rape, I always just thought that R. Kelly was an attractive R&B songbird who happened to work out at the same gym that I did in Chicago. But, anyway, moving right along to Ted Bundy (#2). The O.D.: Original Deviant. I don’t think I was alive when he went on his killing spree, but I did see the movie “The Deliberate Stranger”. (I think it was on Lifetime. Seems like a Lifetime movie, no?) Anyway, when Teddy isn’t making Serial Killer Eyes, he actually looks kind of attractive. And, now, for our final baddy hottie of the day: Tyson Beckford (#1). I loves me some of him. To my knowledge, he’s neither a serial killer nor a child molester. But, he’s on the list because, well … Remember the other day when we all agreed that smart = sexy? Well, I’m not saying that Tyson isn’t smart. I’m just saying that, if I ever met him in person, I’m willing to go out on a limb and guess that he’d be the guy I’d totally think was hot until he opened his mouth. “Oh, baby, no,” I’d say, “Mama just wants you to close your mouth and hush up before you ruin this, okay sweetie?”

Now it’s your turn. Do you have a Secret Creepy Hottie? It doesn’t have to be a serial killer or anything that drastic. Tell us a story about a hot man or a woman whose actions or words totally killed their “it” factor.

March 28th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [9] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Intrinsa Wants to Make Women Horny

Time to hike up your skirts, ladies. Here comes Intrinsa! The first sex-treatment of its kind, Intrinsa is a drug that increases women’s libidos. BBC News, The Telegraph, Nerve Scanner and a bunch of other folks are talking about it. So, yep, Intrinsa may be coming to a drugstore near you — but, what the hell is it? Basically, it’s a sex-treatment patch that you stick to your skin. You need a prescription to get the patch, and you have to change it twice a week. Assuming that you do that, your sex drive is supposed to increase. And, how exactly does Intrinsa make that happen? Well, it slowly releases testosterone directly into your blood stream. “Excuse me, Funky Brown Chick,” you might interrupt me and ask, “did you say testosterone?” Yep. Testosterone — the hormone that makes people grow facial hair and develop deep voices. Folks, you are hereby forewarned. Pretty soon, ugly hairy women with mustaches may run through the streets of New York City screaming “FUCK ME NOW!!!” while chasing anything and everything that moves. I shudder at the thought.

At any rate, it may be worth it to mention that — although Intrinsa was all over British media yesterday — it would be somewhat of a misnomer to call it a new drug. Intrinsa has been hanging around, albeit slightly under the radar, for a couple of years now. In 2004, BusinessWeek asked, Can Intrinsa Be a Viagra for Women? At that time, the answer was a resounding hell no. The FDA Intrinsa Advisory Committee blocked the drug’s release due to associated breast cancer risks discovered during clinical trials. (Wanna know more? Click here to listen to the archived segment on NPR.)

But, that was then and this is now. And, Intrinsa is back. One patch at time, it’s set to boost the sex drives of the women who need it (and can afford it). It’s already on the market in Germany and France. It hits the UK this week. And, one can only assume that it will eventually be available in the US as well. So, while we may soon be able to buy the drug, the question is: should we? Absolutely not. It’s unnecessary. I’m not a fan of big pharma, and I think sex drive is predominantly psychologically — not physically — determined. But, perhaps most importantly, I’m not convinced that women have lower sex drives than men anyway. That is, after all, the purpose of the drug. To increase women’s sex drive. Hmmm … So, now you’ve heard my humble & completely non-medical opinion. It’s your turn. Please feel free to use the “comments” link below to share your opinion on women’s sex drives compared to men’s, sex drugs / treatment or any other topic related to sex and medicine.

March 27th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [16] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Techies Are Sexy Mofos

Hi, I’m the Funky Brown Chick and mmm, mmm, mmm I love men. So, welcome to Manly Monday! Today we’re talking about so-called “tech geeks”, techies. So grab a seat & whip out your pocket protectors because I wanna tell you about this amazing party that I attended a bit ago. Okay, so, I’ll start by saying that I absolutely love it when people invite me to private parties!! Happy hours. Bar mitzvahs. Weddings. Funerals. You name it. If I’m invited and I’m available, I generally tend to show up — for a few minutes, at least. Such was the case with the s60 party at the Nokia flagship store. Man, the other week, it was all about Finland baby! Rewind. (I would have told you guys about this early but, you know, I didn’t have an internet connection.) Okay, so, Phil and two other guys host a private party celebrating the upcoming launch of the s60 … or was it the N95? At any rate, I’d never been to the Nokia flagship store, I don’t completely know what an s60 or an N95 is, and I think I was added to the guest list as an afterthought. But, still, I agree to go to the party for two reasons:

1. Free. Booze.

2. Phil. (I read his blog, and I’m always down for meeting fellow bloggers in person — especially those who listen to Dating Roadkill. Phil does.)

“I didn’t think you’d come,” Phil says when he first meets me. I’m surprised. Clearly this man doesn’t know how much I love parties. “Why didn’t you think I’d come?” I ask. “Well, you know,” he’s fidgeting, “… I read your blog and I listen to the podcasts of your show …” I finish it for him: ” … and, so, you thought that I was a shallow person who would flake??” Phil scratches his head. “Um …”

Three hours, four glasses of wine, an s60 presentation and eight trays of passed hors d’oevres later, I’m still partying it up with the techies. I have a private showing of a diamond-studded Vertu phone that costs $44,000. (Don’t click that link. The sexy will burn a hole in your eyeballs. Really, dammit, I mean it!! Don’t click any of these links!!!!!!) Wait. Where was I? Oh, yeah, I’m stupefied by the $44,000 phone, I play with gadgets ( … ahem, apparently among those in the know, “gadgets” are called “devices” … ) that cost more than my monthly rent. And, perhaps most importantly, I spend the night successfully dodging a drunken man whose vision is so blurred that he tells me: “You have the most beautiful blue eyes that I’ve ever seen!”

Um, yeah.

At any rate, one of the highlights of the evening has to be the few seconds that I listen to the “darlagasm” [NSFW] moaning away in my left ear. One might ask, “Why would one ever use the darlagasm as one’s cell phone ringtone?” To this, I would answer: “Clearly you’ve never heard the sound of a darlagasm.” [NSFW] Man, who knew tech stuff could be so, um, “fun”??? Hmmm … Techies. Are they sexy because they’re successful or are they successful because they found a way to make “tech stuff” sexy? Dunno. In any case, I *THOROUGHLY* enjoyed myself at the party with the group of intelligent, witty, interesting and fun tech folks. Great big hat tip to the three sexy mofos who put the event together!!! (You know who you are.)

March 26th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Warm Bodies. Must Be Spring.

I’ve decided to stop blogging about Verizon because every time that I use my fingers to type those letters together V-E-R-I-Z-O-N, I fly into a crazed, maniacal rage. Seriously. When I think about the hell they put me through, I swear it makes me wanna pick up my laptop & modem, hurl them onto the floor, bodyslam them and then get drunk off of that really cheap Vodka that comes in gallon-sized plastic jugs. (I’m an not an alcoholic … yet. Be patient with me; I’m trying.) … Anyway, so, apparently, it’s spring. Second only to summer, spring is quite possibly my most favorite season. Every thing is just, you know, “better” in the spring. People wear less clothing. The outdoor cafes open. Flowers bloom. The sun shines. My mood lifts. I reeeeaaaally like spring. And, I can tell that the season is coming because the weather has been incredibly gorgeous here in New York over the past few days!! How about you? Has spring arrived in your city yet? And, if spring isn’t your favorite season, which one is?

March 25th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [13] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Advice About Bad Customer Service?

I was without internet service for approximately 1.5 weeks because Verizon did not repair my DSL internet connection. I could not submit articles that I’d planned to submit; I missed billable hours at work; I used up extra cellphone minutes; I couldn’t receive calls and I had no access to my home phone because I have VOIP / internet phone; and I endured countless hours of mental anguish while trying to convince Verizon’s customer service department that they should provide me with the service for which I am paying.

It should be possible to hold large cable, internet and telephone companies liable for mental anguish — or, at the very least, lost wages — when they dick you around and provide extremely poor customer service over extended periods of time. Instead, what usually happens? You get company credit or vouchers that can only be used to purchase more of the shitty service that pissed you off in the first place.

It seems so completely unfair. Patient’s Bill of Rights. If you’re a patient in a hospital, you have certain rights. Same with the Taxicab Bill of Rights. But, what about telecommunications? What’s my recourse for all of the bullshit that I went through with Verizon? And, unfortunately, (as horrible as my experience is) it’s not just Verizon and it’s not just me. I don’t know anyone who *doesn’t* have a story that goes something like this: Comcast told me to remain in my home from 8am – 5pm so that they can repair my cable, but then they never even bothered to show up or they showed up *after* the time that they said they would.

So, now what? I’m pissed off. And, I’m sure — at some point or another — a few of you have been in a similar situations and *you’ve* been pissed off. What’s the recourse? Is the Better Business Bureau still functioning? Does anyone even bother reporting anymore? A reader, ingredient_x, suggests that I do what people always do when they receive poor service: spread the word. Word of mouth, he says, is “the only recourse customers actually have that’s the least bit effective.” Okay, so, I’m doing that. I use my two lips to ten fingers to tell anyone who will listen how horrible my experiences with Verizon have been.

Another reader, Error Boy, suggests that I report the incident to Consumerist.com, and I just did that. I hope they write about it and include it on their site. And, actually, you should check out their site if you haven’t already. The theory goes like this: Neither I nor you, individually, may not affect the way that Verizon and other companies do business; but, if enough of us join together, it’s like we collectively rise up and bop the folks in these large companies over the heads with our laptops and yell: “please do something about your shitty customer service!” Stories like this one give me that “pissed off / laughing / borderline madness” feeling that only comes when you realize that someone else has got a story that’s just like yours, and you feel like you know *exactly* what they’re going through. Like, this guy’s story.

So, here’s where things stand: my DSL is up and running, and I’m still with Verizon for now. Needless to say, I’m going to call them again so that they rightfully credit me (i.e. DSL out of service, VOIP out of service, etc.). So, then what? I could switch providers sooner rather than later; I haven’t ruled that out. At the same time, I want to do something to register this complaint officially and more completely. And, I want to do whatever I can to actually make them change the way they do business. If you’ve got any ideas, feel free to forward them to me via email or leave them in the comment section. I feel like I’m at my wit’s end.

March 23rd, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown

That F*%king Green, Blinking DSL Light

Dear Beloved FBC Readers:

St. Patrick’s Day wasn’t the only thing that was green this past weekend. As a few of you know, I have been without my DSL for almost a week. The problem continues, and the green DSL light on my modem is still blinking. If you wanna hear the full story, I wrote a post about it on Nerve today. [Link: The Customer Wants to Kick Your Ass.] At any rate, I’m supposed to be back up and running tomorrow. So expect the regular, daily postings here at the FBC to return then. (I’ll also respond to as many of your emails as I can then as well.)

In the meantime, if you’ve been here at the FBC before, you may have noticed that I recently added an “email this” link to the bottom of my posts. You all use different browsers, operating systems, etc. So, I’d totally appreciate it if you’d like to help me test drive the new link by emailing a post to a friend. Not sure which post to send? Here are a few suggestions:

• Dear Sexually Satisfied Hobo
• How To Make Boobs Look Perky
• Why Women Say “Let’s Be Friends”
• Should Men Wear Thongs?
• I Got Fined $335.10

To email one of the posts above: (1) Click the link above, then click the “email this” link at the bottom of that post. (2) Fill in any details & hit ’send it now’. If you get an error message, shoot me an email to let me know and I’ll try to fix the problem. (By the way, if this is your first time here at FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com: welcome to the blog!)

xoxo,
Funky Brown Chick

PS: I miss you, my sweeties!!! Can’t wait to get my DSL back. :-(

March 19th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [10] folks got down with the Funky Brown