Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

Delurk Yourself: Tell Me How You Feel

I’m soooo going to be lazy today and borrow steal an idea from Belle Dame. Actually … wait, back up … “lazy” isn’t the right word. It’s something more like “tired.” If you haven’t noticed, for a couple of weeks now, I’ve given myself a “freebie” day here at the FBC. It’s a daily blog, but I’ve needed a slight break. So, I’ve been posting 4 weekly posts instead of 5. Working a full-time job and a part-time arts gig (more on both later), writing freelance articles, blogging and a bunch of other stuff is starting to overload me a little bit. My schedule will stay at this pace until the first weekend in May. Woot! Woot! After that, it’s party time. Next Friday, I’ll sooooo be ready to celebrate the more relaxed schedule. (Oh, yeah, don’t forget about Single. Sexy. Blogging.)

But, anyway, back to Belle Dame. A few days ago, she declared a sort of “Delurk Yourself” day on her blog. As many of you know, “lurkers” are people who read a site on a semi-regular basis but rarely (if ever) comment. So “delurking” is what happens when the person comments for the first time. I absolutely *LOVE* it when people delurk themselves because it’s always so nice to find out who’s hiding out there in the shadows in Regensburg, Chicago, that small town in Belgium and elsewhere.

So, because it’s Friday … and Fridays are good days to take it easy … Let’s keep this one really simple. Whether this is your first 1st or your 1,0000th visit to the FBC, please use the comment section to tell us one word, just one, about how you feel right now. (Pssst! To all the folk who have told me “I always wanna comment but I never have anything to say” or “someone else always says what I would have said” NO EXCUSES today! :-) One word. That’s all ya need. Here, I’ll even get us started …

My one word about how I feel right now? “tired”

April 27th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [31] folks got down with the Funky Brown

To My Love, On Our 2-Year Anniversary

If New York City was a lover, I would have dumped his ass long ago. But, New York isn’t a lover. And, I haven’t dumped this city. In fact, it dawned on me that yesterday marked exactly 2 years since I first moved to New York.

Two years. Wow. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that, at times, I wondered why I’ve stayed as long as I have. However, most of the time, I have nothing but love in my heart for this city and I hope that things work out financially so that I never have to leave. (I’ll post a full retrospective on “NYC: Two Years Later” after I’ve had time to collect my thoughts and write about them.)

April 25th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [8] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Should I Write Mr. Blue Back?

A few of you already know that I blog for Nerve, but here’s something that you may or may not know about me … In addition to pimping out my words for money on a freelance basis; I also let Nerve pimp me out for dates a little bit, too. Yep. I signed up for their online personals site. So, teeeeechnically, I guess you could say that I’m one of Nerve’s bitches. Maaaan, I should ask them if they’ll let me have business cards that say exactly that: “Funky Brown Chick. Office Online Bitch.” And, speaking of online … let’s talk about my online dating for a sec.

If I can remember to do it, I’ll post an “Online Dating Update” sometime this week. For now, I just wanna tell you about one guy in particular. “Mr. Blue.” Actually, instead of *me* telling you about him, I want *you* to tell me what you think I should do. Yep. I’m going to let all of you decide my fate with Mr. Blue. I figure, you know, why not? Could be fun. Ready to decide my fate? Here we go …

Mr. Blue’s possible pros: seemingly smart, witty and well-read. Mr. Blue’s possible cons: He’s not smiling in his picture. (The only people who don’t smile during pictures are either really really sad, or they have bad teeth. No? Hmmm … I’ve gotta give that some thought.) Anyway, what else is there to tell you about Mr. Blue? We’ve emailed each other a couple of times. Nothing horrible, nothing great. I haven’t responded to his most recent email yet. Truth be told, I’m fence-sitting. Part of me thinks that I *shouldn’t* write Mr. Blue back. Life is crazy busy right now; so, I’m only gonna carve out time to date if I think the guy may be **really** interesting. Then again, part of me thinks that I *should* write Mr. Blue back. When I signed up for online dating, I told myself that I’d be make an honest effort to be a bit or more open-minded and a bit less picky. Now, here’s where you come in. Based on what we know about Mr. Blue so far, what’s your vote? (A) “Write him back” or (B) “Don’t write him back”.

April 24th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [16] folks got down with the Funky Brown

A Handsome Chocolate Man

I’m standing on the subway platform with my friends, Big D Girl and Big T Man. (They’re a couple; in case you hadn’t already guessed.) Anyway, so, Big D Man says that he has a guy friend moving into town in a couple of weeks. “Yeah,” he says, “I think I might try to set him up with R.” This makes me pout like a 4 year-old. I wonder: Why, oh why, does R get the hook up while *I* get left out in the cold?!?! Never one to keep my thoughts to myself for too long, I ask Big T Man why he isn’t thinking of setting *me* up with his guy friend. Big T Man laughs, “Well, you know … He’s a brother so … you know … I just figured you wouldn’t be interested.”

Wow. WTF? I would like the record to reflect that I do, indeed, date brown men. I love brown men. My two nephews are tiny little brown guys who will one day grow up to be big tall brown men. Most of my relatives are brown people. I’m a funky little brown chick. I think brown people rock. You get the point: I love brown people. So, now, let’s talk about dating … I’m a hot-blooded, heterosexual, single woman. I love men. All (attractive) men. And, just because I might occasionally date guys who aren’t brown — you could even call some of them “peach” men if you wanted to — that doesn’t mean that I like my brown brethren any more or any less. So, today’s Manly Monday is dedicated to the brown-skinned men of the world. (…And, by the way, I told Big T Man that he *better* hook me up with a date with his friend when the guy moves to town; I’ll let you know how / if the date goes.)

April 23rd, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [15] folks got down with the Funky Brown

What Every Blogger Should Know About Their Rights

Hey, folks. I’ve decided to kick it old school and do a Public Service Announcement. (Remember those?) “What,” you might ask, “is the topic?” Well, today’s PSA is about blogging. Specifically: What Every Blogger Should Know About Their Rights. Why this topic?

It’s not every day that someone emails me to suggest that I get a lawyer; however, such was the case last week. I wondered: am I being threatened with legal action? Needless to say, I was surprised and distressed. And, although I’m not going to blog about the specifics of that email, I do want to channel the time and energy that I spent obtaining legal consultation into something positive for any reader who might one day find themselves in a similar situation. I figure: if I can be threatened with legal action, any blogger can. Even, for example, you. (In fact, threatening bloggers with lawsuits seems to be somewhat of a disturbing trend.) Luckily, free speech is of one of the bedrocks of a free democracy. So, here are three things that every blogger should know about their rights, free speech and the law:

1. Know Your Rights
If you blog and you’re not familiar with the Electronic Frontier Foundation, you should be. This organization protects bloggers from frivolous or abusive lawsuits and threats. Check out their extensive legal guide for bloggers. Also, in addition to keeping up with and supporting EFF, be aware of current federal law that protects you. For example, Section 230 states that “[n]o provider or user of an interactive computer service shall be treated as the publisher or speaker of any information provided by another information content provider.” Basically, if you write “Britany Spears is goofy” in the comment section on my blog, Britany Spears can’t sue me for your comment. And, for the record, she certainly can’t sue you either. It’s a free country.

2. Know People Who Will Defend Your Rights for You
Contrary to popular belief, not all lawyers are money-grubbing whores. Many of them practice law because they have a deep appreciation for individual rights and an appetite for going to battle to defend them — even if it requires that they represent you pro bono. EFF, the ACLU or your state’s Bar Association may be able to refer you to a lawyer who specializes in digital rights and computer law.

3. Know The Funky Brown Chick
Um, yeah. Okay, so, I must admit that this last point isn’t really going to help you that much. As I’ve said before, I’m just a just a goofball with a computer, a blog, and two fingers that know how to type. I’m not a lawyer. So, don’t take the things that I’ve written here as a substitute for legal advice. If someone brings legal action against you, contact a professional.

April 20th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [7] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Everyone Has a Talent. What’s Yours?

Alison is drinking a raspberry martini. I’m drinking a Paulaner Hefeweizen beer. We’re at a bar in midtown just north of Times Square, near Hell’s Kitchen. “Alison, I’m such a loser because … and you’re gonna laugh at this … I actually tell people that you’re Andy Milonakis‘ sister,” I laugh as I sip my beer before continuing. “Really. I mean it. I tell people: ‘You remember Alison, right? Well, she’s Andy Milonakis’ sister’.” Alison giggles in a tone that seems to say, ‘Funky Brown Chick, you’re a goofball.’ But, I can’t help it. I still think it’s kinda cool that she’s his sister.

Anyway, so, Andy Milonakis’ sister and I are talking about my 4th grade school choir teacher. (I know. Random, right? Must have been the beer talking.) I tell Alison that I went to 4th grade in rural Mississippi. Back then, the 4th grade girls had this performance art / singing thing that we were going to do for the big talent show. The younger girls sang “I Can Sing A Rainbow” while us older women, the 4th grade girls, danced with colored scarves.

In rehearsals, the choir director had asked us to pick up the scarves with “the hand that you write with” and then turn in that direction. (It was a public school in Mississippi; I think she was afraid that we didn’t know left from right.) Anyway, so, all of the other girls picked up their scarves with their right hands. But, aha, I’m left-handed. And, I wanted to be different. So, I defiantly picked up my scarf with my left hand and twirled left while all of the other girls twirled right. I did this once, twice, and then again. The choir director wasn’t amused. She ripped the scarf out of my hand and kicked me out of the big dance performance.

“Man,” says Alison, “you should have hunted that beeeotch down and tied her up with one of those rainbow scarves.”

I laugh so hard that I almost spit out my beer.

Talents. We’ve all got them. For the record, in case anyone was wondering, hunting beeeotches down and tying them up with rainbow scarves isn’t one of mine. I prefer to write, draw and take pictures. But, tell me, what’s one of your talents? Did you have the lead solo when you were in 3rd grade? Did you win top prize at the school science fair? Were you named volunteer of the year last year? Feel free to toot your own horn in the comment section.

April 19th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [14] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Grey Skies Are Here Again

If you don’t live in New York and you haven’t seen the news, you may not know that the weather here is (for lack of a better word) really “shitty” at the moment. I hate shitty weather. It depresses me. Literally: shitty weather makes me depressed. I think it’s the grey skies. Rain is annoying, but that bothers me less than the lack of sun. Okay, so, late Monday afternoon. I’m sitting at my desk, and I’m depressed. Depressed that the skies are grey. Depressed that I haven’t heard back about a job that I interviewed for. Depressed at myself for feeling depressed. Then, I receive a message from my friend “The E.” She tells me that an American comedian who lived in The Netherlands for five years will perform at the Upright Citizens Brigade. She wants to know if I want to go.

Hell yeah. I need a laugh.

So, after work, I exit our building and face the leaking grey skies above. I take the train to 28th street. The E and I grab a pre-show drink at Trailer Park Lounge. We talk about our career goals, and our future plans. (I’m surprised that the conversation doesn’t depress me further.) I can’t wait until I get a job with benefits again. I need a therapist. It’s cathartic to tell the frustrations of life to the ear of a stranger. They don’t know you, so there are no judgments. I’ve been in therapy (off and on) since I was 17 years old. I like to work out to guard myself against the fattening effects of some of the shit that I eat. And, I like to see therapists to guard myself from getting depressed when things don’t work out the way that I want them to. I consider therapy Yoga for the brain.

Okay, so, now, it’s almost 8pm. The E and I leave Trailer Park and head over to the UCB. We pay $5 to see Brendan Hunt and his show “Five Years in Amsterdam”. It’s a good laugh. And, when the show is over, I feel a lot better. Less depressed. Ahhhh, sometimes laughter is good form of therapy. So, now it’s your turn. Tell me: What do you do to make yourself feel better when you’re depressed?

April 17th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [10] folks got down with the Funky Brown

The Soap Opera Date

When I lived in the Netherlands, I used to watch a Dutch soap opera called Goede tijden, slechte tijden to improve my Dutch. It was easy to follow the dialog because, across the globe, you’d be hard-pressed to find a soap opera character who doesn’t sound like a monosyllabic fool. But, here’s the thing about watching Goede tijden, slechte tijden: not only did my Dutch improve, I got completely and totally addicted to the melodrama of the show’s characters.

Take Sylvester and Terra, for example. (I’m going somewhere with this.)

Rocker guy Sylvester was born in South Africa, but he lives in the Netherlands. When he sees Terra selling jewelry on the streets, it’s love at first site. He asks her to marry him because he loves her … and because he wants a residence permit to remain in the country legally. After the nuptials, tensions mount. During an argument, Sylvester slaps Terra across the face. Terra flees to a café and weeps into the arms of a relative that happens to work there. The Goede tijden, slechte tijden world wonders: Will Terra get back together with Sylvester or won’t she? In the end, Terra decides to return to the apartment that she shares with Sylvester. She looks into his eyes and sees that he’s crying. There’s a pregnant pause that Sylvester fills by profoundly professing: “Ik voel me schuldig.” (I feel guilty.) Terra forgives Sylvester. He writes a rock song for her called “To Be Alone With You”, and it’s a huge success. The couple decides to make it big. They move to the US, and they live together happily ever after in Manhattan.

That’s the last that I’d ever seen the actors who played Sylvester and Terra. That is, until my date on Friday night. Yes, kiddies, you heard that right. I had a date. “And what pray tell does any of this have to do with that Dutch soap opera?” Well, my date and I went to see Zwartboek. One of the main characters in the movie was … drum roll, please … actor Johnny de Mol (Sylvester)!!! So, I’m dedicating today’s Manly Monday post to him. Now, if you wanna hear about my Friday night date with The Right-Winger Gunslinger, click here to check out today’s FBC post at Nerve.

April 16th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [7] folks got down with the Funky Brown