I think I’m having an identity crisis. (Fret not; it’s not personal, it has to do with my long-term professional life / career goals in general.) Exactly five years ago, I moved to Illinois. I was jobless, somewhat irritated and confused. [Click here for the backstory.] More than anything else in the whole world, I seriously craved stability. And, you know what? I eventually landed a great job, a kickass apartment near downtown and a new boyfriend. (I later kicked the boyfriend, Blondie, to the curb when he started acting like an emotionally abusive freakshow … but that’s beside the point.) I kept that job and that apartment for nearly three years. Stability. I wanted it. I got it. It felt good.
The only thing missing was the city. My city. Although I’ll always consider Illinois my home and I’m very happy that I grew up there, it was time to move on. I didn’t feel like I *fit* there anymore. I wanted a larger, more international, more diverse & ethnically integrated city. So, I began to plan my next move: New York City. And, lucky for me, the universe opened up and things worked out exactly as they should. NYC *is* larger, more international, more diverse & ethnically integrated. I guess I got what I wanted. But, if I’m being honest with myself … I moved here for other reasons, too. Namely, my career.
I made a conscious effort to move closer to a career in the arts. Currently, I work (semi)full-time, complete the book proposal, pitch magazine articles, plan the second season of the internet radio show, manage two blogs and go to grad school. While I may have chosen the new path, I didn’t choose the bumps that come along with it. Things aren’t working out quite like I thought that they would. I’ve lived here only two years, but I’ve had three different apartments and three different jobs. If my life in Illinois was characterized by safety and stability, my life in New York has been characterized by an organized chaotic uncertainty. (Other people who work in the arts and/or write on a freelance basis seem to say that this is somewhat par for the course.)
At times, it feels like everything is working out *and* nothing is working out. Does that make any sense? And, now, I feel slightly the same as I did five years ago: somewhat irritated and confused. I want stability — a full-time, benefits-carrying job in the arts. And, I also want to continue to write, produce and create. I think that’s what’s causing the identity crisis: I’m trying to obtain stability in an unpredictable field. I want to be creative & imaginative *and* enjoy routines such as annual physicals actually covered by health insurance. If I can’t have both — creativity and stability — does that mean that I have to choose one or the other? I’d be lying if I said that I knew what the right answer to that question is. Then again, I’m not even sure that I believe in “right”answers anymore. Maybe we all just make the best decisions that we can given the information that we have at a given time? If that’s the case, I sometimes wish that I had more information.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Here’s the good news: creativity and stability are NOT mutally exclusive. You can have both.
The bad news? You might not be able to pick exactly what creative projects you work on if want stability.
My husband is one of those “creative types.” Ask our two year-old what daddy does at work and he’ll tell you “work on pictures” (a phrase he came up with on his own). J is a graphic designer and, if I do say so myself, very talented. But with the stability of a job that provides health insurance and enough moolah for me to stay home with our short man, comes the crappy projects and insane clients that he would be able to turn away if he was a freelancer.
I really have faith that things will work our for you. You are making the best decisions for you based on the info you have, so take heart that you are headed in the right direction – even if that direction isn’t too clear right now. Good luck, sweetie! We’re rooting for you!
I def. understand where your coming from. When I decided I was too fly for Ohio I up and moved to DC to seek out better career opportunities after I graduate. Literally anything that could go wrong has gone wrong! But I must say that even though I have opted to move back to the OH (for now) I would love to return when I can afford to be alive and hopefully it’ll be right then. I’m sure going back to the Midwest is not an option, but perhaps you should simply just go with the flow and continue to wait it out. I don’t think there is ever a right answer either, but what fun would that be? I tend to give up on things the second they don’t seem to go my way and regret it later, but given your situation your in a great place where opportunities just pop up. I’d say given the information you have you can make the most of your situation and continue to use the lack of stability as a creative force in your work…and soon the stability just may appear when you get that fat check for that book, or that screenplay, or who knows.
Funny, that’s how I would the differences in live from Illinois and New York actually. You’re living the dream! :)
But I do understand the need for stability in your career — all too well.
You certainly will have more competition in NY for those kinds of jobs than in IL (where I’m sure they exist. Right? Maybe?). I don’t have any advice; only understanding. Perhaps set a deadline for NY even though I know you don’t want to leave and then start looking outside of that area?
Just look at Carrie on Sex and the City and I see you (only the funkier version)….
You will have your book and your Mr. Big too! I just know it!!
Mwah!!
If NYC is where you want to be, then at least you’ve got that part figured out. You knew when you moved there that it was going to be a bumpy ride, because 1) You’re really out there “on your own.” 2) the field you’ve chosen to pursue is by nature bumpy, e.g. uncertain funding, relying on donors.
So, the job, the partner, they’re not quite nailed down just yet. But the location is right, so go with the flow.
I learned there’s no “right” timetable for our lives. God sends what we can handle, when we can handle it. Pray harder! I’ll pray for you, too.
Great post! You are so not alone.
Everybody goes through phases like the one you’ve posted about. It’s that out of the blue, you wake up and boom! it strikes you. It’s insecurity that just explodes but it’s fine to be afraid of the unknown. I’d say “go for it” if you don’t take chances it may never happen for you. I bet there’s a good outcome.
MamaChristy: You bring up a *really* good point. The two aren’t necessarily mutally exclusive. And, I certainly hope that you’re right when you say that it’s possible to have both. I definitely want both.
cici: Yeah, for now, I don’t want to go back to the midwest. For better or worse, I’m sticking it out in New York for now.
Howard: Yeah, my need for stability is pretty strong at this point. About the deadline … If things remain as they are, I’ve committed myself to stay here for at least another two years or so. People say that it takes 5 years to really “settle” into NY. I’m willing to give it 4 – 5 years then reevaluate. (I’ve already done two.)
tonito bandito: You’re right. I am funky! ;-) I’ll definitely take the book, but not the Mr. Big. I don’t think Chris Noth is very attractive. By the way, random sidenote about the book … believe it or not, this first one has very little to do with dating. It’s about politics. Funny, huh?
Pegs: Woman, I got your phone call and I need to call you back. I didn’t get home until really late, and I passed out very soon after I did. THANK YOU for your comment and you’re prayers. I’ll be home at a decent hour tonight. I’ll give you call. (For the record, what your student said is true 99% of the time, but I have a few examples that buck that trend. Here’s one.)
ChiGirl: Thanks. Sometimes I forget that.
Nat: You said, “I bet there’s a good outcome.” I soooo hope you’re right.