If I had a dollar for every time that I heard the phrase “you’ll find the right guy when you least expect it,” I’d be a very rich woman by now — or, at the very least, I’d be able to pay off all of my credit card debt. But, here’s the thing about that phrase: I’m not even sure if it’s actually 100% true. Does love find you *or* do you have to make an effort to find it? I don’t know. I guess I can see both sides. On the one hand, I think that love has to find you. Afterall, nothing can chase a possible date away quite like the sweet smell of desperation can. The *more* that you’re on the prowl, the *less* likely you are to find a date, no? But, here’s the other side of this … Don’t you have to create a space in your life for the things that you’d like to have? You know, like, don’t you have to: save money if you want to go on vacation; work out if you want to lose weight; and, leave your apartment if you want to meet a date?
Let’s stick with dating for now.
The other day, my friend Mags and I were discussing a relationship book in which the author (a guy) tells women that they should hang out at the Home Depot and on golf courses if they want to meet men. It’s a pretty straight forward argument: go where the men are and you’re more likely to meet men. I don’t wholeheartedly agree with the author. Generally speaking, I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to pretend to be something that I’m not (i.e. a golf lover) for the sole purpose of attracting a date. *BUT* I do think the author might be on to something with this whole “put yourself in situations where you’re more likely to meet a date” stuff. I mean, is it not possible to live your life — either consciously or subconsciously — in such a way that it decreases your likelihood of meeting someone? Don’t you have to make at least a tiny bit of effort to find a mate? Hmmm … I’m curious to know what you think. Do you think that love finds you, or do you have to make an effort to find it?
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m actually wondering the same thing myself. There’s this really cute guy that i’ve been eyeing at this bookstore I love and my friends are encouraging me to be more proactive and actually ask him straight out instead of hovering around the biography section surreptiously hoping that he’ll notice me. Do i make it happen or wait for it to happen if it’s going to happen? And is saying love will happen when you least expect it just a way of saying men should do the asking?
Sorry more questions than answers!
Oy! We could be rich together then. I’ve heard that more times than I care to admit. I’ve also learned that if a friend goes, “I know someone and you two will be perfect together!” — run. Run as fast as you can.
I agree with you on the pretending to be someone you are not. I don’t think you’ll meet the right person that way. Stick to your passions.
I think it has way more to do with ‘timing’ than it does with ‘finding.’ Believe me, I asked myself this same thing a million times: “Am I trying hard enough? Looking around for that man as much as I should?” But then, right when I wasn’t looking, when I for once liked who I was and where I was in life, he was suddenly in front of me. And because of timing, I was actually able to notice and appreciate him.
Funny thing, love is.
a few weeks ago i met a 42 year old single woman who opened my eyes. i mention her age, because she’s never been married, and i think we can all agree that dating post-40 is likely tricky business.
i’ve always thought it was good to be a sexually confident, open and friendly woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t whiffle waffle around the issue of dating.
but this woman….she was soooo forthright. soooo on the look out. soooo able to turn *any* situation into an opportunity to ask a guy out…it was really painful to watch.
over three days she hit on my friend 100 different ways. through food, through alcohol, through wit, through charm. in the end he had to come straight out and tell her she wasn’t attractive.
ouch.
it’s a slippery slope is what i took from that encounter. confident and open at 25 may become cloying and ineffective at 45. (or maybe she was always a cougar and that’s why she’s never found a mate? here’s hoping.)
So, no pretending, but isn’t there something you’d like to buy at Home Depot, and you could use some advice about it? Just be sure to only ask fellow customers you find attractive.
Being single for the better part of over two years now, I’ve heard that phrase a million times and I’m yet to think of a sufficiently witty come-back for it. Any ideas? Bitter? Who me? Nooo!:)
I think love does come to you. I think when you go on the hunt – you end up with something other than what you expect/want. Where do I get this from? I look at some of my friends who have hunted and married their prey and it hasn’t lasted – for one reason or another.
There’s more than a few of us in the same boat. So I believe you need to learn to enjoy life on your own – doing stuff you like to keep you busy – and someone who fits your life will find you. Happiness is what makes a person attractive.
I think that official makes me a romantic – but I wouldn’t want it any other way…
Alicia: Wow, those are all really good questions. I don’t know the answers, but I totally think you should strike up a conversation with the guy at the bookstore. :-)
Howard: Couldn’t agree with you more!
AmyD: I went out for dinner and drinks with two friends and two friends of friends last night. We were talking about dating and single living; I actually brought up your comment about timing.
HippieChyck: Yeah, I don’t think anybody likes desperation at any age. (BTW, I’d never heard of the phrase “cougar” until a month ago; still not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.) :-)
John: I actually LOVE Home Depot. :-) Golfing, no. Home decor, yes.
Darwin: My favorite comeback to the “are you suuuure you don’t have a boyfriend” question is: “If I had one, I think I’d know.”
Lala: You said “Happiness is what makes a person attractive”. That’s a beautiful comment.
Pffft… Such stupid advice. Reminds me of ‘the rules’…
If your house needs fixing or your ‘gutter’ needs a quick cleaning, sure, by all means, visit the Home Depot (or Lowes), though quite frankly I doubt unmarried straight men hang out there a lot…
If you meet your man on the golf course (football stadium), it’s a safe bet he’ll spend most of his time there AFTER you get married too.
I’m with Lala… a happy smiling person to make me forget my misery… (now and in the future) is much more attractive.
As my single, sexually very active, friend told me… no matter how bad the party… always smile and look like your enjoying yourself, and you’ll draw in the girls “like moths to a flame”…
Good advice.