I was going to title this post: “Single People Unite! Rise Up And Use The Keys To Your Ridiculously Overpriced Studio Apartments To Stab Each and Every Babymomma In The Left Eye!!!!!” But, you know, what? That seemed too long. (And, not to mention, slightly absurd.) But, I will say this … The other day, I was doing my semi-daily scan of various blogs when I read something that made me want to issue a “call to arms” to every childfree urban-dweller on the face on the planet. Once again, another person with child(ren?) called a single woman who didn’t want to have children “selfish.”
Never one to hold my thoughts to myself for too long, I immediately clicked on the “post a comment” link and wrote the following:
Okay, so, lemme get this straight …
In an overpopulated world that contains fuckloads of orphanages, a woman who chooses to procreate for the sole purpose of birthing a being that comes from HER, looks like HER, carries HER genes, continues HER ancestral line and will take care of HER when she’s old *isn’t* selfish, but a woman who chooses not to procreate (for personal, financial, political or whatever reason) *is* selfish????
Um, yeah.
That totally makes sense.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe that people who procreate are selfish. (One of my favorite bloggers in the whole world, Mamachristy, is a mama. And, though I’ve never met her, when you read her blog she comes across as one of the kindest and most selfless people that you could ever imagine. Same goes for my sister. She’s a mama, too.) So, yeah, I’m not saying that babymaking is inherently selfish. I’m just saying that the decision *not* to have children isn’t any more (or less) selfish than the decision to *have* children. In the end, the decision to have a child (or not), isn’t about making a selfish decision; it’s about making a personal decision. And, that’s all that I have to say about that. [Funky Brown Chick leaps, twirls, does a breathtaking double axel ... then gracefully dismounts her soapbox.]
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
I couldn’t agree more with you. It’s so expensive to have a kid right now. You’ve got to think of school and money for college and all that, and even the simplest things like presents are expensive now. When I was a kid (oh dear, how OLD does that make me sound?!) I was happy with a drawing book and watercolours. Now you’ve got to buy iPods and Wiis just to keep up with everything.
So isn’t it better to refrain from having a kid because of financial reasons rather than have six and live in council-houses, eating up taxpayer’s money? People like that are social parasites I think. Isn’t making other people pay for the fact that you couldn’t keep your legs closed a whole lot more selfish than deciding not to have a kid?
I totally agree with this post. Having your own child or children is surely a wonderful experience. You get your mini-me, spawned of your own flesh and blood, and you get to raise it with your life partner. Great. Good for you. But doing this does NOT somehow make you a better person than those of us who decide not to procreate!
What those babymommas are really trying to say is that they’re jealous that their young, single and free lifestyle was taken away from the moment their first kid was born, and since they know they can’t have it back, they lash out at those who still do.
Obviously, the least selfish choice is adopting other people’s kids. So that’s something you can throw back at them, I suppose…
gracefully dismounts her soapbox? Is that how you kids call sex these days? hah sorry couldnt resist!
In Japan they have a place where you can dump your kids if you want to give birth but cannot raise them. I think a mother should choose what is best for her or her child, not to harm either of them. But if you cant do the time then only stick with 69 yo.
But I think they should be carefull nowadays. Mothers are getting to careless and unresponsible for their children.
I have to completely agree with this post. I once had a guy tell me in response to my musings that I don’t think a woman has to have a child to be complete, that he thinks that women who don’t have children always have some type of emotional or psychological problem, like maybe they were abused as children or something.
yup, true story, and he said it with a straight face too.
I know too many people who had kids not because they wanted them, but because it was what they were “supposed” to do. They didn’t – and still don’t – really want their children, but it was what their friends were doing and what their family wanted so they birthed just because they had a uterus. That, I tell you, is the most selfish thing I think you can do: having children as a sign of social status.
You tell her, Funky B!
Amen, sister. Elizabeth Gilbert has a great passage about this in “Eat Pray Love.” She says, “Not all the reasons to have children are the same, and not all of them are necessarily unselfish. Not all the reasons NOT to have children are the same, either, though. Nor are all those reasons necessarily selfish.”
It’s ridiculous to lump parents or non-parents into one group and assume the same explanation applies to all of them. And on behalf of Singletons everywhere, thanks for sticking up for us. ;-)
Adding on to Papigiulio’s comment, the first day Japan opened up that service (it’s basically an icubator open 24 hours) some dad came by and dropped off his 3 yr old!
Also, I had a man tell me in college after he found out I owned a cat: “You better be careful. Pregnant women aren’t supposed to be around cat feces.” Me (sarcastically): “I don’t think I have to worry about that for a while.” Him: “Why? You can’t have kids or something?”
Preach it!! Funky Sister!
Spot on!
I totally agree with you.
Oh and I give your dismount a “10″!
I LOVE you!!! You said exactly what I’m thinking! I am childfree and loving it–no offense to my friends with ninos.
Darwin: Are you *sure* you’re not an American?!?! :) As I read your comment, I thought: she would soooo fit in here. Pity that you live so far away in Scotland. If I were a wealthy woman, I would throw big parties like Diddy does. And, I’d send invitations and free plane tickets to all of my favorite bloggers.
kyla: Preach it! :) At the same time, I’m not sure if the babymommas are jealous … The we single chicks assume that they’re jealous of us, they could just as easily assume that we’re jealous of them because of their husbands/wives & kids. That’s certainly not the case. But, on a different not, I completely agree with you about the adoption thing.
Papigiulio: Cute! :) Love your mantra, by the way. “If you cant do the time then only stick with 69 yo.” That’s special.
Alicia: Yeah, I get *really* pissed off when people try to tell me that the decision to not marry or not have kids is somehow pathological. Some people just don’t want it. And, not to mention, there are PLENTY of folks with emotional or psychological problems and/or were abused as children who DO have kids.
MamaChristy: I know people in my own life to whom the same applies. It’s like, if you date for a while, people assume that marriage HAS TO be the next step. And, once/if you get married, people start to ask: “Have you decided when you’ll have children?” It never ends. I say: let folks choose to do (or not do) what they want.
stefanie: Wow, that Elizabeth Gilbert quote is great. Much more eloquent that anything that I would have gone down in history for saying. My quote would have been something like: “Single people who don’t have children are selfish??? That’s bullshit!”
Donna: Don’t hate on that guy just because he was right, Donna! You *can’t* have kids, can you? ;) [ Note to others: This is a *joke*. I actually know Donna. And, yes, she can have kids. ]
tonito bandito: You need to post more Man Candy in the Wasteland!! :)
Amy: Thanks for the 10!!! I was hoping that SOMEONE would notice how precious that double axel was!!! :)
Rochelle: I love you, too!!! So, get your ass back to New York City!!! Only three or four more weeks and counting, right?
Tell it, FBC!!! Ugh, I can’t stand pretentious people, and I can’t stand a pretentious mother (which is worse in many ways). Bitch needs to RECOGNIZE! Haha! Glad you were there to help her do just that.
And that dismount…woman, you are just too damn good. :o)
AmyD: THANKS for the ups on the dismount!!! I worked really hard on that one. :)
Well I agree, especially with the last paragraph. People who chose not to have kids should not be held as selfish, it is a personal choice. I think it is an important choice that should not be judged by others. However since we live in a world that is constantly judging others….I just choose to ignore people who seem to judge things before judging themselves.
Wow. VERY good comment!!! Thanks.
OK, I just wanna say…I LOVE IT HERE!!!!! I have another website that’s private and I am soooo tempted to send you an invite to that one too cause you are my kinda girl! ;-)
Anyway, loved your comment on that blog because really it could have come from my own mouth because I defend my choice to be childfree CONSTANTLY and fight the “selfish” word on the regular.
Keep up the crusade…
AMEN!!!
# Childfree Chick: I love both of your sites.
# Tanya: Thanks! :-)
This rocks!
I linked to this article from the childfree chick site, and can’t say YAY! loud or often enough to express my joy at finding such smart and funny writers.
Awww, THANK YOU!!! :-)
**Applause**
I realize I’m a little late on commenting on this, but it totally struck a chord with me. I’m from the deep south where popping out babies is a national past time, and I get this crap from every cousin, friend, aunt, uncle every time I go to visit. I’ve never understood why the choice to not have kids often times seemed to be so offensive to people with children.
Thanks for sticking up for us non-procreators.
No prob at all, babes! :) And, for the record, it’s never too late to comment on any FBC post; you’re always welcome. :)
I see no selfishness in not procreating. If you are not wanting, willing, or capable of taking responsibility of a child, doesn’t seem right to have any. There are several issues that have been clouding my mind lately and had to blog about it. (Nov 6, Oct 25, and Oct 14) Didn’t want to invade your comments with links.
Thanks for the link here. I’LL BE BACK, lol.
Ooooh, THANKS I’ll check out those posts!!! :)
I’ve gotten a lot of comments from complete strangers about how I should have children, and how I’d just change my mind if I’d have one…I haven’t changed my mind yet, and I think there’s something desperate in trying to tell total strangers that they should adopt your lifestyle. It sort of suggests a need to justify your own decisions.
Thankfully I don’t get any of that from my family, just from random strangers.
I’m with you on the plan. After we take care of everyone who nags us about children, and we address the people who let their children run wild on the bus or in the cafe in the expectation that we should all enjoy being around their spoiled brats?
That should have said ‘can we address’ not ‘and we address’.
When babymamas say, “You should have children,” I’m at the stage of life where I will answer in a very Samantha from SATC way, “And you should should STFU.” I’m sick of it. It very much is a personal decision, whether you’re single or married. And just because you marry doesn’t mean you will automatically jump on the babymoma bandwagon. That’s what so many of them fail to recognise and refuse to understand. We’re not asking them to understand as much as to just accept, and while they’re at it, STFU about it once and for all.
I stumbled upon this site by way of googling “childfree”. I am a 47 yr old Black woman who is childfree. I don’t hate kids, but I never really wanted any of my own. I have seen too many women,especially Black women raising kids by theirselves and having to work 2 jobs just to make ends meet. They all look so worn out and tired. They never have any time for themselves. I didn’t want that type of lifestyle for myself. It didn’t seem like a lot of fun to me. No freedom to do the things that you want to do, always having to get a babysitter, buying school supplies, toys, etc. Also a lot of women get really fat after they had 2 or 3 kids. I did not want that for myself. I have been able to travel across the USA and the Caribbean, go to college, start a silk painting business, and do other things, which I probably could not have done if I had kids like everyone else. A lot of people tell me that I will be lonely by not having children. I know many older women with adult children who barely give them the time of day, let alone visit them. Just because a person is childfree does not mean that they will be lonely in old age. Everybody is not meant to be a parent and I refuse to do something just because society says that’s the norm.
I hear you!
I know that single women with out kids and a man are often messed with by family and friends who have that lifestyle. The reality is until you have a child of your own, you have no idea what a joy it is. I am sure all of you women have sex and sex equals babies. A lot of women dont have children not because they have not concieved, but because they have aborted their own child. Then they put themselves on a pedestal and call themselves better? I respect a womans decision to not have children. I too did not want children, and often wondered why my sister had so many. But once my son was born, my heart was his. I adore this child, and I really don’t feel like I have missed out on anything. I could have very well gone to the clinic and paid a couple of dollars to have this “inconvieniece” taken care of. But how does that even sound, sad right, happens everyday so single women can continue to party and pretend like they are happy. I say dont bash every single parent. All of us did not concieve children by way of one night stands and lay up to collect checks. Very successful women are single parents i.e. Halle Berry and lots of celebrities. The saddest part of all is that there are men online posting personal ads for someone to have their baby. They are dating single women who are empowered, career oriented, not ready, whatever the case maybe, and refuse to do so. So I am not judging “all the single ladies” but clubbing and parting, money and physically stature are all temporary and you can lose at anytime. Love from a child is unconditional. Oh PS-the gym, the babysitter, and online college…fixes all those fears….Just food for thought from the “baby-mommas” POV…all love ladies..
“ I respect a womans decision to not have children. ” and ” I am not judging”
As an Aussie, I call “Pig’s @rse you don’t judge.” Oh, the translation is: I don’t believe you.
You “don’t judge” and “you respect” but then you launch into stereotypes of childless women as oversexed feckless hedonists. Judgmental much?
And so WHAT business is it of yours if childless women are having sex and not making babies anyway? How does that disaffect your existance? You have a baby and are “full of joy” and get “unconditional love” now.
” I could have very well gone to the clinic and paid a couple of dollars to have this “inconvieniece” taken care of. But how does that even sound, sad right, happens everyday so single women can continue to party and pretend like they are happy… clubbing and parting, money and physically stature are all temporary and you can lose at anytime….”
So what you are saying is that having sex should be punished with a unwanted pregnancy? Oh yes, here’s the line “…and sex equals babies. ”
If you really had an issue with people who are childless why are you not berating nuns and priests? Oh silly me! That’s right! Because it is the people who bump uglies and dodge the baby bullet are the ones who get your goat.
“The reality is until you have a child of your own, you have no idea what a joy it is. ”
I suspect the only person you are trying to convince of that one is yourself.
” I really don’t feel like I have missed out on anything. ”
Liar liar pants on fire. I put it to you that you are seething with jealousy because it is YOU who is missing the single, childless life and that once-pert figure that you once enjoyed. You chose to have a baby. Bed.Made. Lie. Stop being such a smug martyr and get over yourself.
Really, having children is selfish. There’re no two ways about it. What selfless reason is there to have a child? YOU want to carry on your genes. YOU want a mini me to worship you. YOU want a BABY OMG A BABY!! YOU YOU YOU. It’s always what YOU want. The baby doesn’t exist, it has no say in the matter. Yep, from what anyone can see, it’s ALL YOU doing the decision making here, and YOU are doing what YOU want.
For all the reasons childfree people are NOT having babies are for reasons that TAKE THE BABY INTO ACCOUNT. Yes, they’re actually thinking about the baby and putting that baby first. They’re logically thinking out why they should NOT have a baby. What the BABY will go through, not what THEY will go through. Sure there’re lots who don’t want to have a baby because they don’t LIKE babies. What, that’s selfish? It’d be selfish if they didn’t want babies and decided to have them because YOU tell them to! YOU guilt trip people into having babies they would otherwise be thankful without.
Parents will ALWAYS be more selfish than childfree people, because they put their own selfish desires of WANTING and not NEEDING a baby to fill some psychological void ahead of the well being of a child. Yes, your child will suffer. Your child will probably be bullied. Your child will probably need therapy. Your child may get raped, or murdered or commit suicide. But that’s ok, because YOU WANT A BABY.