The Line Between Public and Private
May 31st, 2007 ·
A couple of days ago, I asked you guys, “Would you date a blogger?” Some of you said yes. Some of you said no. One reader in particular, Mindspin, mentioned something that I’ve been wrapping my brain around over the last 24 hours. “If someone wants to write about our relationship,” Mindspin comments. “Is it really all that different from talking to your friends or family about it?”
Good question. For better or worse, my recent dating experiences have shown me over and over again the answer seems to be yes. Yes, people regard “talking” about a date much differently than they regard “blogging” about a date. Let me give you a scenario. I’d say it’s hypothetical, but it’s not. It’s my life. So, here it is.
Girl goes out on a date with guy. Girl thinks she might like guy. Nothing *MAJOR*. Just, you know, your average “hmmm … he seems nice” kind of thing. Anyway, so, in the days after the date, two things happen. (1) She tells her friends how the date went. (2) She goes online and tells her readers how the date went. Fast forward. Girl goes out on a second date with a guy. After the second date, the girl has a random fantasy about the guy. Afterwards, she does two things. (1) She and her friends have “girl talk” about the guy. (2) She blogs about her fantasy.
The line between public and private. Or, “girl talk” vs. “blog talk”. In the future, I’m sure that people will be much more comfortable with “blog talk”. Discovering that you’re a “character” on someone’s blog won’t matter as much as it does now. Take any random date “John Doe”. For now, as fucked up as it sounds, “John Doe” would be slightly uncomfortable knowing that I talk to real life people about him — and divulge his real name, penis size, level of attractiveness, style of kissing or any other random details that fall under the general category of “girl talk”. However, he would be unbelievably uncomfortable knowing that random fucking strangers who know absolutely no identifiable details about him (and, I might add, have absolutely no chance of ever meeting him in person) know that I have fantasies about him. Why do strangers know about my fantasies about him? Because I wrote that shit in my blog.
Seriously. Think about that for a second. If I tell my girlfriends graphic details about the size of John Doe’s dick, that’s considered more “private” than blogging about my desires to have “anonymous man’s” penis inside of me??? That’s just fucking bullshit! And, it really makes me wonder about the state of “privacy” in the online and offline worlds. Speaking of privacy, if you guys haven’t read New York Magazine’s article on blogging and privacy, you should. It’s a fantastic read, and it’s one of the most well-written pieces out there about the current generation divide.
That’s all for now. I’ll write more about the privacy stuff once I’ve had time to wrap my head around recent, personal developments that inspired this post.
Hi, I'm 
Wow, a whole post about my comment? I’m honored.
But seriously, the world is a messed up place. I guess talking to your friends about “John Doe” and his “junk” is considered more private because you’re telling it to less people? That really doesn’t make sense. To me, talking about him on your blog is more private because you’re only calling him “John Doe” (or some other catchy name you’ve come up with for him) as opposed to his real name, whatever that may be, which you are no doubt using with your friends. So now, your readers (and no offense, but I’m sure you have more blog readers than friends you talk to about this kinda stuff) know about “John Doe” and his shortcomings. Big deal, I’d rather 100,000,000 people who only know me by the catchy nickname you’ve given me know about my shortcomings than 10 people who know me by name (and/or sight).
I know I can’t be alone on this…
Is it maybe more that John Doe is front row center to your blog and can read about your fantasy (and knows it’s about him) whereas he isn’t actually in the room when you are talking to your girlfriends.. (?) I think the dater as blogger situation works better for the nonblogging partner in the relationship if they know everything that’s going to go into the blog before it goes there.
Because, as Mindspin points out, who cares if 100,000,000 strangers know your shortcomings As Long As you know about them before those 100,000,000 strangers find out.
Maybe John Doe wouldn’t mind the “fantasy” post as long as he heard about it first. I mean, imagine the weirdness of having a friend come up to you and say “Dude, that girl you are dating? She just posted a fantasy about you on her blog. Did you know she was going to do that?” And your answer is… “uh, no.”
i’m thinking kbarrett is on to something. like, giving the person a heads up has something to do with showing respect for their feelings…i’m not sure how exactly, but somehow it’s like you acknowledge that they have feelings and also you maybe indicate that you think the date was special or meaningful enough to keep it close/not anecdotalise it as though the guy’s already a cartoon character served up for strangers’ entertainment. but that’s pretty muddy. in summary, i bet that if you gave a heads up, the guy would be okay about it. like you’re letting him in on the secret first. tricky.
The guy I’m dating knows I blog about him. He doesn’t read my blog. He doesn’t want to even acknowledge it exists.
I have been blogging for less than a year, but I often wonder if a man from my past will stumble upon a post about him.
Mindspin: I even gave you a shout out at Nerve, too. And, no, I don’t think you’re alone in the way that you see this.
kbarrett: Good point. But, if that’s what bothers the guys that I date, they could always simply stop reading my blogs.
HippieChyck: Yeah, I like kbarrett’s suggestion, too. If I were in a more serious / long-term relationship, I would probably get a “thumbs up” from the guy before anything went public.
Roxy: That’s wonderful that your guy knows that you blog!
I think that size (of the audience) does matter. More people -> more chances to link “John Doe” to his real identity & ‘features’ without his consent.
We’ve all seen what happens when relationships have unhappy endings. Now tell me, would you feel better if (s)he, in a fit of rage, tells 5 mates what an a$$ you are/biotch she is, or do you prefer to be ‘outed’ on-line, indexed by google and saved for posterity with instant access…
Too many people forget: THIS SHIT DOESN’T GO AWAY!
So far, so good.