[FAIR WARNING: This post is not very exciting; it's just about my outfit.]

Okay, so, I have a date tonight. And … brace yourself … I already know *exactly* what I’m going to wear. I’ve picked out the specific shoes and dress for the evening. Hell, I’ve even picked out the underwear that I’m going to wear. I have no intention of letting Simon The Englishman see my little pink lacy thong, but I’m gonna wear it anyway. I like to wear sexy underwear on dates. When I’m sitting there at the dinner table, it’s like my own naughty little secret that no one else knows about. (But, I guess, you know, now that I’ve told all of you … It’s not really a “secret” anymore.) Anyway, so, yeah, back to the outfit. The date isn’t until pretty late this evening, but I already know what I’m going to wear.

Does that make me too “girlie”? :-(

Do guys “pre-pick” their underwear for dates, too?

I’m at a party, and I’m talking to a guy that I’ll call Mike. “On a scale of one to ten,” he asks, “with 10 being George Clinton and 1 being, well, you know, me — how funky are you?” I smile because I really like this question … and because I think it’s cute/funny that Mike rates himself as a 1 … and because I already know my answer. “Oh, on the scale of things that are funky … ” I giggle and point to my nametag [which reads FUNKYBROWNCHICK], “I’m an 11.”

Coming soon, folks … The FBC’s official “Funk-o-Meter”. What will it be? I’m still thinking it through. (Throw suggestions my way if you’d like.) I want it to be some kind of meter that I use to rate various dates, men, comments on sex / relationship stories in the news and other topics that you’ve come accustomed to reading about here on FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com. If any of you out there are graphic designers who would like to design an official FBC “Funk-o-Meter” image, shoot me an email. Or, if you know a funky graphic designer, you can use the “email this” link below to forward this post to him or her. I can’t pay you anything, but I can publicly thank & worship you for your creative brilliance if you’d like.

I was going to title this post: “Single People Unite! Rise Up And Use The Keys To Your Ridiculously Overpriced Studio Apartments To Stab Each and Every Babymomma In The Left Eye!!!!!” But, you know, what? That seemed too long. (And, not to mention, slightly absurd.) But, I will say this … The other day, I was doing my semi-daily scan of various blogs when I read something that made me want to issue a “call to arms” to every childless urban-dweller on the face on the planet. Once again, another person with child(ren?) called a single woman who didn’t want to have children “selfish”.

Never one to hold my thoughts to myself for too long, I immediately clicked on the “post a comment” link and wrote the following:

Okay, so, lemme get this straight …

In an overpopulated world that contains fuckloads of orphanages, a woman who chooses to procreate for the sole purpose of birthing a being that comes from HER, looks like HER, carries HER genes, continues HER ancestral line and will take care of HER when she’s old *isn’t* selfish, but a woman who chooses not to procreate (for personal, financial, political or whatever reason) *is* selfish????

Um, yeah.

That totally makes sense.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe that people who procreate are selfish. (One of my favorite bloggers in the whole world, Mamachristy, is a mama. And, though I’ve never met her, when you read her blog she comes across as one of the kindest and most selfless people that you could ever imagine. Same goes for my sister. She’s a mama, too.) So, yeah, I’m not saying that babymaking is inherently selfish. I’m just saying that the decision *not* to have children isn’t any more (or less) selfish than the decision to *have* children. In the end, the decision to have a child (or not), isn’t about making a selfish decision; it’s about making a personal decision. And, that’s all that I have to say about that. [Funky Brown Chick leaps, twirls, does a breathtaking double axel ... then gracefully dismounts her soapbox.]

One of my former fuckbuddies / guy friends, Dylan — an atheist pursuing a PhD in religion — is one of the most cynical people that you’d ever meet. Ironically enough, he’s also one of the most romantic. (He once suggested that I meet him on the front steps of a museum carrying a rose between my teeth. And, he *wasn’t* joking.) Anyway, so, ages ago I asked Dylan how he manages to be such an idealist *AND* a cynic at the same time. His response? “All cynics are idealists. Cynicism is the realization that humanity rarely lives up to its ideals.” I adore Dylan. Pity that we’ve stopped sleeping together.

Anyway, so, a few of you who read my Friday Nerve post emailed me to ask, “Which movie did you go see?” I saw a sneak preview screening of Dans Paris at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. It’s one of the most beautifully romantic films that I’ve seen in a long time. Oddly enough, the movie reminded me of Dylan; the film’s take on love is both cynical and idealistic. It was such a delight to see Louis Garrel (The Dreamers) and Romain Duris (L’Auberge Espagnole, Les poupées russes / Russian Dolls) in the same movie. They both make my panties wet. Other delights? Tasteful boob shots as well as full-frontal male nudity … and a bittersweet melody called “Avant la Haine” (Before the Hate). Dans Paris opens in New York later this summer, check it out if you get a chance.

But, enough about the film.

And, more about love.

Yep, love. [Press "play" above to cue the theme music for the rest of this post.] Ah, love. Saying / typing the word makes me feel like a goofball. I’m not an overly saccharinely-sentimental romantic person. And, I don’t like insincere / cheesy displays of affection. For me, love is more vulnerable, sexy, painful, beautiful and emotional than “cheese”. How about you? How would you complete this sentence: “love is ____ “?

Does anyone remember that relationship reality TV series called Cupid? The premise was as follows … A woman named Lisa Shannon is on a search for true love. Two of her best friends, Kimberly and Laura, tag along to help her out. Anyway, so, Lisa goes on dates with guys and America votes on the guy that they should be her match. Each week, someone gets voted off. (If it sounds a lot like American Idol, that’s because Simon Cowell created this show too.) Anyway, so, on Cupid there was this one really crazy Austrian guy named Robert Amstler. I was like 100% convinced that he *HAD TO* be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s long lost little cousin or something like that. But, he wasn’t. He was just, you know, a random crazy Austrian guy.

Anyway, so, just now I was wondering, “whatever happened to that guy?” I googled around a little bit and I found him. It wasn’t hard, his URI is robertamstler.com. Feel free to check out his site if you wanna be in the know on what’s the latest and greatest (or the tired and old) stuff with Robert.

Yesterday, someone arrived at my blog by googling: how to seduce your grandma. Wanna see? Click here to check out a cropped screen shot from my sitemeter. Wow. How. To. Seduce. Your. Grandma. I’m actually kind of disturbed by that. But, don’t get me wrong. I think it’s FANTABULOUS that more and more younger guys are getting all hot and bothered by the women over 50. But, what exactly *is* it with older women these days? Seriously. If MILFs were all the rage last year, 2007 seems to be shaping up to be the year of the GILFs (grandmother I’d like to…)

I hear people Magazine did a new “beautiful at every age” gallery of older women. (Hey, hasn’t Essence Magazine already been doing that on an annual basis for, like, um, *years*????) But, anyway, I guess people … all people, not just the magazine … are finally starting to realize that women over 50 are H-O-T. Watch out young cubs; urban cougars are on the prowl! So, for those of you young pups out there looking to score some grandma action, here are 5 tips:

1. Be there for her when she screams, “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.” Women of all ages love Knights in Shining Amour who will rescue them in their time of need.

2. Get ready to roll with discounts. If you’re used to paying for dinner, drinks *and* the movie, I have three words for you, young buck: Senior. Citizens. Discount.

3. Kick back and let your sugarmama woo you. With the retirement checks rolling in, you could be set to become the next Anna Nicole Smith — of course, that is, *without* the tragic death and the “Who’s My Babydaddy?” drama.

4. Buy plenty of condoms. Don’t be fooled. Sure, dating a GILF means that you can say goodbye to your ‘omg, what if she gets preggers?’ days. But, you still need to keep it safe. Older woman have high sex drives. And, who knows, your GILF could have a raging case of herpes. You don’t want that shit do you?

5. Be prepared to get schooled. Think you got game? That’s only because you’ve been playing around with spry little chicks. You’re gonna be running with the big dogs now. And, you’ll be waaay out of your league young cub. But, fret not. Just sit back. Relax. And, get ready to learn a few tricks of the trade that you never even knew existed.

Maaaaan, I wanna be a GILF when I grow up. How about you? Ladies, do you wanna be GILFs? Fellas, are you crushing on any of the GILFs in the image above?

————–

Related FBC posts.
Cougars and Cubs: Older Women, Younger Men
Urban Cougars and Their Young Boytoys

Technorati Tags: funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, gilf, gilfs, helen mirren, iman, lorraine bracco, pam grier, sophia loren, susan sarandon, tina turner

“How many people are you dating right now?” - Anonymous

None. But, that’s a tricky question. Technically, I’m not dating anyone because I don’t have a boyfriend. I have “gone out on dates” with one guy, the Right-Winger Gunslinger. And, next week, I have plans to go out on a date with another guy, Simon The Englishman.

“Any clues as to your where abouts right now?” - Mr. White

In New York City. Sitting in front of my computer. Typing.

“When not meeting guys from Nerve.com personals, where do you usually meet men?” - ChiGirl

Good question. At the moment, I’ve been checking out Nerve because I like their site and because I haven’t really had time to explore any other avenues for dating. (Not even sure I want to.) Generally speaking, here’s how I’ve met past boyfriends and boytoys: Le Canadien online, Blondie at a bar, The Guy I Almost Married through a mutual friend (my then-boyfriend / his tennis partner) and I met other guys at political events, a friend’s party, on the street, in the subway and other places. I haven’t really found the “best” place to meet men. When it happens, it just happens.

“I heard your bit of a dom. How far are you willing to take your partner and do you have a submissive side?” - Mr. White

Answer 1: I’m only willing to take my partner as far as both of our sexual boundaries will allow us to go. Answer 2: I don’t have a submissive side, and I don’t date submissive guys.

“When dating someone new do you like to be challenged or does your dom side carry over outside the bedroom?” - Mr. White

I love men who challenge me intellectually; I couldn’t ever date a doormat. Take that guy Simon, for example. When he learned that I like to spank men, he wrote me back: “you are not gonna be spanking me.” Truth by told, I thought that was kind of hot. He’s clearly a big boy who states his boundaries. If he would have written back, “whatever you say ma’am,” I would have been completely disgusted. It’s like I want what I want but, when/if I’m given it *too* easily, I don’t want it anymore. Does that make sense? I guess that’s just a really long way of saying: I want a challenge.

“Have [any of your doubts and apprehensions about ‘outing’ yourself at Nerve] proven true? Have you had any weird randoms stalking you thanks to that? Any funny stories? Ok so it’s more than one question but they’re all related!” - Darwin

Nope. So far, so good. And, actually, the whole Nerve experience has changed the way that I think about being “public” on blogs. You see, here’s the thing … Stalking existed long before blogs were created, right? So, when you get right down to it, everyone who wakes up in the morning and leaves their home is a “public” person. You don’t have to have a blog (or a page on MySpace, Friendster or Facebook) to be stalked. Besides … statistically speaking, it’s the folks you *know* on a personal, day-to-day, face-to-face basis (bitter ex-husbands, crazy students in your writing class, local postal workers, disgruntled co-workers) that should worry you more than strangers. Besides, I’m not the only out blogger. Most of the bloggers that I know are a little “out” now.

“Do you think it’s been hard for you to find [your “one and only”] man because you really are as picky as you say you are, OR do you think that deep down, you really just don’t want to be serious or you maybe have a fear of what you would have to give up if you DID find him?” - AmyD

Okay, that’s like *3* questions. My three answers? Yes. Maybe. And, yes, that’s quite possible. But, not necessarily in that order. ;)

“Does the funkybrownchick do the funkychicken?” - Mr. White

Damn, kid, you ask a lot of questions!!! :) And, for the record … yes, the funkybrownchick does the funkychicken. It’s a very popular Midwestern wedding dance.

“So tell us, what’s Funky B’s ideal date?” - MamaChristy

Oh, wow!! That’s a really good question. Honestly, I don’t really have one ideal date in mind. I guess I’d just have to say that original / natural dates are the best dates. Generally speaking, I know it’s a good date when I’m having such a great time with a guy that I don’t feel like I have to force anything, the hours just seem to slip away.

“[N]ow that you are meeting guys from Nerve.com, is it weird that right off the bat they know so much about you through your blogs? Do you always share the URLs with new dates?” - HippieChyck

And this, dear readers, is the million dollar question. I’m actually re-evaluating how much and/or when I tell guys about the Nerve stuff.

On one hand, the last thing that I ever want to do is violoate anyone’s trust. So, I wouldn’t feel comfortable blogging about dates without telling guys that I’m doing it.

On the other hand, I don’t really want to hurt anyone’s feelings either. Men *are* territorial little buggers. I can’t imagine that “Guy X” wants to hear all the juicy details about my dates with “Guy Y”. To be honest, I cringed a little when Simon’s email to me referenced my date with the Right-Winger Gunslinger. And, I felt a little worried that I hadn’t heard back from the Right-Winger Gunslinger since I blogged about Alon and Simon. It all comes back to one question: how much information is *too much* information to know about the person with whom you went out on a date last night?

Dear FBC Readers,

Hello, my loves. As many of you already know, I’m maintaining two blogs at the moment but I like to keep them separate. If you read something that you like (or hate) over at Nerve, I ask you to comment over there. And, if you read something that you like (or hate) here at FBC, I welcome your comments here. It’s simple, really: Nerve and FBC are two separate blogs. Not to mention, for the most part, they have two separate audiences. (You can’t assume that people reading FBC know what I’ve written on Nerve. And, vice versa.) Having said that, I simply must confess something to you my sweet little darlings…

This is one of the most painful open letters that I’ve ever had to write. You see, the truth is … I’ve been cheating on you.

I’ve told Nerve readers more details about my recent dating adventures than I’ve told you. Yes, yes, I know. It’s awful. And, I’m ashamed. You deserve better. Long-time FBC readers have stayed with me for much longer than I’ve stayed with many of my ex-boyfriends. Hell, if you keep reading for another … I don’t know 3 – 4 months? … the blogger-reader relationship that I have with each of you will have outlasted *every* boyfriend-girlfriend relationship that I’ve ever had with any man.

So, here’s what I’d like to do to make up for my cheating … For the next 24 hours, if any of you wanna use the comment link below to ask about my dating life, The Right-Winger Gunslinger, Simon, Alon, “Mr. Blue” (or any other relationship-related question that you’d like), I promise to answer any and all questions that are posted prior to midnight tonight New York time. Who gets this kind of treatment? Nerve readers? Nope; today, it’s all about you, my FBC sweets!

I can only hope that this helps rebuild the foundation that we’ve established over the past two years. My heart, as you know, has always and will always belong to you. So go ahead and ask me about anything that you wanna know about my dating life. I’m all yours.

Big drippy kisses,

FUNKYBROWNCHICK