Okay, this guy is one of my new guy friends. I haven’t really blogged about him that much yet because I’m not quite sure how much I want to divulge. Thus far, I’ve only mentioned that I met up with him after I had drinks with Raj, and I mentioned that he has a new girl. Well, he’s been dating this new girl for a couple of months now, but she won’t have sex with him. They kiss. There’s passion on both sides. They’ve slept in the same bed together. But, still, no sex. Second example. MINGSHENG has been dating his sweetie for more than six months now. And he hasn’t had sex for, of course, nearly half a year now. The woman likes him. He likes her. What gives? Actually, Mingsheng even helped her with her recent move with the hopes that his hard work would be rewarded with a little play. No such luck. Whereas my other two friends are guys who are dating women who won’t have sex with them, my last example is a woman who is dating a guy who won’t have sex with her.
What the hell is going on, folks? Why are people putting all of this work into dating significant others without eventually playing with them? And, by “playing with them”, I mean “mutual genital play”. In each of the three cases mentioned above, my friends asked me why I thought that their lovers weren’t having sex with them. I told them that, honestly, I didn’t know. In my own experience, I’ve only withheld sex from someone for one of three reasons.
1. I thought they might rape, stab or kill me. If I’ve only gone out on one date with a guy and I don’t really know him that well yet, I’m not going to invite him back to my place or go to his place unless until I feel pretty sure that he’s not some psychopath who might try to rape, stab or kill me.
2. I’m already having sex with someone else. If I’m having sex with a guy, I’m not really going to have sex with other guys at the same time. So, while my male friends are my standby “break in case of an emergency” penises, I never draw on those reserves when I’m sexually involved with someone else.
3. I’m never going to have sex with them. I’ve dated guys (non-exclusively) for months without having sex. In these cases, I like the guy, but I don’t want a relationship with him for some reason. So, dating him is just like, you know, being friends. Friends who sometimes kiss. Does this count as “leading the guy on”? I don’t know. I don’t think so. But, then again, I’ve never asked.
How about you? Have you ever dated someone for a longer period of time — say, more than two months or so — without having sex with them? And, if you did, what were/are your reasons for putting in all that work for the relationships without rewarding it with play?
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
OK, my first question is, have your friends ASKED their boyfriend/girlfriend what is up and why he/she won’t have sex at this point? (If not, why not? Because they should be asking that person before asking you!) ;-)
Second, I guess I am sort of old fashioned in that I don’t think I need to sleep with every person I ever go out with, and if I see possible relationship potential with someone, I don’t want to give it up right away. Let’s get to know each other; let things build a bit; keep some mystery going. What is the big rush to do everything right away?
In the past, the other reason I have waited (or withheld) is that I was still a virgin (I lost it late, in my 20s) and either wasn’t ready to tell the guy that, didn’t want him to be my first, or thought I might want to go there but just wasn’t ready yet. So, could it be that any of your friends are dating closet virgins??
(Have I shared too much, by the way? This IS the internet, after all. Yikes.)
I am RIDICULOUSLY old-school. I date plenty, but I don’t kiss until the 4th or 5th date, and sex is out of the question for at least 6 months. I’m so not the one to hop into bed (or in a car, this is LA) with a man, no matter instantly we “click.”
To me, dating means spending time getting to know each others interests, life experience (any criminal records, paternity and/or financial issues), cultural/political/sports-minded points of view, and (to a certain extent) friends and family – and together, figuring out if in the midst of all of this we can deal with each other’s stuff and sustain our attraction to each other. This takes a while, and if a guy can’t wait or isn’t interested in any of this and/or just wants a conquest, well, I think that’s a sign of poor judgement and he should keep moving. There’d be a lot less babymama/babydaddy drama in the world if folks would engage in some meaningful conversation and kept their legs closed a little while longer…
If we can passionately exist on most/some of the afore-mentioned categories, feel comfortable in each other’s space, he’s a good kisser and the timing is right, then it’s all good. And usually, by then, intellectually and physically the sex is f’n awesome.
I’ve been dating a guy for 8 months who also believes in romantic “due diligence.” Sex-ay.
Wow, I’m glad to see that this seems to be a trend. I think a lot of people add to the drama in their lives by having sex too early–once you’ve gone there, it makes it a lot harder to break it off, even if it’s clear you’re not that compatible as a couple. We all know such twosomes, right?
Interesting that you know of three couples, though. There’s a lot more sexual variety out there than teh internets would sometimes lead one to believe.
I couldn’t agree more with the premise of this post. The two primary reasons to be in a relationship are: (1) sex and (2) a ride to the airport. And, really, some days Reason #2 is more important than Reason #1. I mean, seriously, I’m the taking-friends-to-the-airport-all-the-time kind of person, which means I’m one of those people who gets left high and dry when he needs a ride. So. Auto ride to the airport? Good.
Oh, and there’s some other stuff in there, too, like sharing an emotional bond, able to talk about hopes and dreams, commitment and emotional support or something, yadda yadda.
Yep, I once dated a girl for almost 2 years before we had sex. She was planning on not having sex until she was married, but I changed that after 2 very long, very frustrating years.
Looking back on it, I’m not quite sure why I stayed with her. I guess it had something to do with the fact that she had no problem doing anything else, but her vagina was off limits to my penis. I think another reason is that I didn’t want to seem like a bad person (to myself more so than anyone else) by breaking up with her because she wouldn’t have sex with me; seemed kind of shallow to me. Our sex lives did progress over time though, we got into more different stuff, and I opened her up to new things as time went on (no pun intended), so I think that helped too.
All in all, I don’t regret that I did it, but I’m not sure I’d make the same decision if the situation came up again…
I’m old-fashioned too. As well as being extremely shy and closed off. It takes me a while to warm up to a person. It took me 8 months before I even kissed my current boyfriend (we live 300 miles apart). Fourteen months in and we still haven’t had intercourse yet. Some of us move at a much slower pace than the rest of society.
Wow! Everyone who spoke up thus far, except for Andy, is female and “old-fashioned”. Hmmmm … Five comments. If make assumptions based strictly on the comments thus far only, I’d say that we’re all well on our way to revirginizing ourselves. :-) But seriously, thanks for speaking up. It’s not always easy to voice opinions that may be in the minority.
stefanie: No such thing as sharing too much around here. Be as open or closed as you’d like. :-) Good questions, by the way. And, I actually asked two of the friends about the virgin thing. One (a guy’s) response was, “Oh, come on! She’s in her thirties!!” I told him that he’d be surprised how many folks are still virgins well into their 30s. (I’m not one of those folks.) About the second half of your comment … This harks back to the “leading people on” thing. I could be wrong, but I’d venture to guess that most men assume, if you’re dating, it’s only a matter of time before you sleep with them. Maybe a lot of women assume this, too. I know I certainly make that assumption. But, who knows. I could be wrong.
Susan: SIX MONTHS?!?!?! Wow, you’re strong / have a lot of restraint. I get what you’re saying about the “getting to know each other” thing. At the same time, I guess I’m kind of torn because there’s nothing to say that you can’t click with someone immediately and discover that you’re way more compatible than you could have ever imagined. And, on the flipside, there’s nothing to say that someone can’t date (and even be married to) someone for decades only to discover that they’re cheating, divorce is around the corner, and the couple discovers that neither knew the other as well as they thought that they did. Man, that’s a lot of words to say: Time isn’t necessarily always the best predictor of how well you’ll get to know someone.
elle: Again, playing the devil’s advocate, no sex doesn’t necessarily mean no drama. I lived without sex until I was 22 years old. Does that mean that I didn’t have dating drama? Absolutely not. Anyone who knew me in undergrad knows that I was in a ridiculously dramatic relationship with a drama-ridden man for almost two years. And, I was a virgin.
Andy: I respect your (and everyone else’s, by the way) honesty.
Mindspin: Yeah, I was into “everything but” (i.e. everything sexual is fair game except vaginal sex) until I was 22. I, too, thought that I wouldn’t have sex until I was married. I’ve been making up for lost time ever since. ;)
Angel: Thank you for speaking up!! :) I really appreciate it. It’s always so interesting to hear the variety of opinions and experiences that people share here in the comment section.
In a relationship and no sex for 6 months? Only once and it was at the end of a 7 year relationship (that obviously should have only lasted 6 1/2 years)
Says it all really doesn’t it?
I like your number 2 rule actually, (quoted from Chris Rock rIght? not that it matters) I have one female friend like that, but I never had to break the safetyglass yet hehe.
As for my girlfriends I think I’m lucky, each and every girl, the frist night we kissed and started the relationship we had sex. Never had to wait. Off course theres the time of the month, but that doesnt mean they don’t give me sex persee, NOT that we have sex, but theres the playing around stuff. :)
My friend on the other hand had to wait 6 months aswell with his girlfriend. And comon 6 months is damn long if you’re in a relationship. Especially if the lady is a tease.
Going on dates with someone and making out with them when you have no intention of progressing to boinking is NOT cool. Having been on the receiving end of that sort of behavior, I can say that it is NOT appreciated. Well, you can do it once, and chalk it up to a “trial run”. Maybe twice, if it was fun the first time. Beyond that, you’re a cork tease. I’m sure you had/have your reasons why you don’t want to do the deed wth somebody, and that’s fine, but don’t lead them on. Funky, I wag my finger at you a-la Stephen Colbert. Tch tch.
Also, if you say you’re in a *real* (i.e. “boyfriend-girlfriend”) relationship for six months and there’s still no sex, that’s not a *real* relationship. You’re just friends. Well, unless both people are OK with the no-sex thing, but I’m getting the impression that the folks you were talking about wer *not* both OK with that. A relationship is a two-way street – if you’re just making somebody else happy and not getting what you need, time to look elsewhere. Been there, not fun, not healthy, got carpal-tunnel in right hand yerking off so damn much. But I’m happy now, elsewhere.
Papigiulio: Yeah, 6 months is a long time. About Chris Rock … I don’t know. The saying originally comes from those old-fashioned fire alarm systems here in the US. ( can’t remember, but I don’t think you guys have those in NL. Anyway, building fire extinguishers used to be locked behind a sheet of glass. And, on the glass, it was printed: “In case of an emergency, break glass.” Since then, the saying has been adapted by pretty much everyone for different scenarios. I used to have a key chain with a condom inside of a plastic shell. It had the “break glass” thing on it, too.
Baba Doodlius: Uh-oh. I know I’m in trouble once the finger starts wagging. :)
I could make a comment about wagging my finger, but I’m not going to. :)
FBC: Have you ever dated someone for a longer period of time — say, more than two months or so — without having sex with them?
Yeah….in HIGH SCHOOL!! Haha!
I can maybe see the ones with only a couple months under their (chasity) belts, but the one dating the chica for 6 months? He’s just getting strung along. Either that, or the bitch is still a vigin. Wow. Just…WOW.
FBC,
I love your blogs here and on Nerve! Ok, so that is out of the way. Wow, I guess I am in the major minority here (especially being female), but sex is EXTREMELY important to me in determining my compatibility with someone. I have never waited more than five days to have sex with someone I am interested in. DAYS, not dates. I have a raging sex drive and I really don’t see much reason to wait too long. If they seem cool and I invest all of this time in getting to know them and then they SUCK in bed, I have wasted my time.
However, if we have awesome sex, there is still plenty of time to get to know them as a person. Sex does not equal the death of a budding relationship. It strengthens it. If a guy dumps me because I had sex with him too soon, he is a hypocrite and totally NOT someone I want to be with anyway. So, everyone wins.
I swear I am a girl. I am often compared to a man in my thought patterns. ;)
Baba Doodlius: You’re a bad, bad man. :-)
AmyD: Um, honestly? Nope. Never. Only when I was a virgin.
BeesKnees: I’m glad that you like the blogs. THANK YOU for reading along. No prob with “thinking like a man”. I’m actually going to write a post on that very topic soon.
It’s nice to hear an asortment of opinions on the matter, Thanks funkybrownchick for opening and facilitating! Im utterly confused at the moment. I never really wait a long period of time. Like BeesKnees, if we ain’t compatiible in bed, well…… where is the passion going to come from after spending years together, and time spent in a no sex having relationship is not healthy. My sitution is i put up these rules..no partner’s/boyfriends/nada for at least 3 three months. (i haven’t spend much time without a relationship so..I made some rules now that i’m single to stay focused on my path) That lasted ONE week and of course an amazing truely beautiful man graces my presence. So we had passionate mind melding sex and now…well i definitly dont wanna say goodbye but how do you slow that down when you’ve thrown all caution to the wind and intensely indulged in each other????
aliah: Oh, it’s waaaaay too hard to slow stuff down once you’ve started to roll together like that. Sounds like you’re having a good time! What else matters?