Open Letter to My Laptop
Dear Denzel:
Baby, I’ve been in love with you since the first time that I saw you. Smooth. Black. Attainable. I named you Denzel, and I immediately took you home with me. And, you know what? Things have been good. Over the past two years, we’ve had a great run. So, I can’t understand why you want to quit me.
Yeah, I see the signs. When I came home to you the other night, opened you up, and prepared to run my fingertips all over your sexy little keys (…I know you love it when I do that …), I could sense that something was wrong. I tried to turn you on. But, you didn’t want to hear it. You just threw a black screen of death at me and shouted: “Media test failure, check cable!” Baby, that hurt my feelings. But, then you made things even worse. You actually tried to pull the plug on our relationship by saying even more hurtful things like, “No operating system found.”
Motherfucker, I don’t know who you think I am, but I am *NOT* the kind of woman who lets her laptop get away from her that easily. I am going to fight for this relationship. I *need* this relationship. I have places to go, people to email, articles to write. In fact, for a few days now … and, I really hate to admit this because I don’t want to sound needy but … I’ve needed a man so much that I’ve been borrowing other people’s men. I can’t help it. I can’t stop my life just because you don’t want to act right, fool.
But, I’m not going to let you go that easily. I can only limp along with other people’s men for so long. I need my own man. So, baby, I’ve enrolled us in couples therapy. Yes, you heard me. I CALLED OUR THERAPIST (the computer help line) ON YOUR ASS. Apparently, it might be possible to save this relationship after all. The therapist suggested that I buy a few “toys” to sex things up a little bit. She says this might convince you to come back to me. In fact, this weekend, I’m going to shop around for some of that sexy lingerie you like so much. Circuit City has this line of toys called “new hard drives”. Baby, I’m gonna bring one home to you. And, I sincerely hope that this will make you decide to cooperate with me because you *know* that I can’t afford to buy a new man right now. So, please, baby. I’m begging you. Come back to mama. I promise. Things will be different this time.
My fingertips await you,
funkybrownchick
June 29th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Fucking BRILLIANT. I giggled throughout this entire post! *sigh* I really, really, really hope you can turn this flicker to a flame this weekend, because as much as you need Denzel, I think your readers need you more!! Haha! :o)
Good luck!
June 29th, 2007 at 11:52 am
Hahaha! Love it! I wrote a similar letter to my blog a few months ago. I LOVE this kind of funny.
On a more serious note, I hope Denzel gets better soon.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Girl, dump the zero and get a hero…Dell has laptops for $599 this week. Two years — honey, the Honeymoon is over!
June 29th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
ha ha haha
Get well soon Denzel!
Tasha (Toshiba, so pretty and shiny and blue) have been going strong for three years now (knock on wood) and I am so so so not ready to ever give her up.
June 29th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
er, that should be, Tasha and I have been together for 3 years now…
June 29th, 2007 at 8:39 pm
Very creative!!
I’m with Berry. Sounds like it’s time for a new Denzel. Mine is more like a Herbert – old, a little slow but dependable.
June 30th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
I loved this post! I think my comment somehow vanished though :o/
My laptop broke on me too two years into it – both of them, which is weird because yours did too after two years. Was yours a Dell by any chance?
btw, you’ve got dibs on Blink. :o)
July 2nd, 2007 at 10:07 am
AmyD: So far, there’s been no revival. No romantic interludes. He’s still on his way out. :-(
Howard: I’ve written a ton of letters, but this is the first letter that I’ve written to Denzel. I had hopes that it would make him change his mind. No such luck. :(
Berry: It might be time. I went to the shop, and they said a new hard drive could cost $70 – $300. A brand new computer would only be approx $100 – $150 more than that.
Amy: 3 years? That’s definitely a “long-term” relationships. That’s great! I wish you and Tasha well :-)
Angel: Yeah, I’m inclined to agree with Berry, too. It might be time for a new computer. :-(
Dating Dummy: YAY!!!!! I’m soooo excited about Blink!! THANKS and big drippy kisses to you!!!
Dating Dummy: Sorry about the disappearing comments. :( I hear my auto spam blocker has been a little overzealous lately. And, no, I didn’t have a Dell. I had (believe in or not) a Gateway. Yep, those still exist. Oh, by the way … YAY!!!!! I’m soooo excited about Blink!! THANKS and big drippy kisses to you!!!
July 2nd, 2007 at 10:32 am
Love, love, love the open letters — I hope that Dells aren’t prone to breaking it off after only two years! Maybe I should kick my man to the curb NOW. :)
July 2nd, 2007 at 11:58 am
Girl, hold on to that laptop as long as you can. I sooooo wish I didn’t have to consider replacing Denzel right now. :(