Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

Time to Give Up the “PC” Stuff?

Hey, folks. Apologies for the post-free days. I’m trying my best to gain access to friends’ computers while I figure out which laptop to buy. I was going to order a computer via Dell this morning, but a few of my friends have risen up in revolt and in defense of the MAC. You see, I — like most people — have been in love with the PC for many years. But, I’m wondering if it’s time to give it up. Denzel was a PC.

Much like my relationships with men, one bad experience usually spoils the bunch. At various times, I’ve sworn off the French, the Brits, the Dutch, the Italians (twice), white guys, black guys, dudes from Columbia, every man with an American passport, and everyone else in between. After too many bad dates, I’ll say, “I’m never dating a guy who ___ again.” Then, of course, I’ll meet a cutie who happens to fill in whatever blank I’m trying to avoid, and I renew my faith in them all over again. So, um, yeah. All of this brings me back to Denzel.

As I mentioned before, my old laptop (Denzel) was a PC. I loved him dearly, but he wasn’t always very faithful to me. And, not to mention, he left me after only two years. So, I’m left wondering: Is it time for a MAC? In the end, I’ve decided to let my readers decide. I know you wouldn’t steer my wrong. So, please use the comment section to tell me: Should my next laptop be a PC or a MAC? Also, if you have any specific recommendations for what to purchase (or what to avoid), I’d really appreciate it. And, of course, big drippy kisses to all of you for sticking with me through the laptopless days and spotty posting!

August 31st, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [16] folks got down with the Funky Brown

R.I.P Denzel. :-(

It is with great sadness in my heart that I report that Denzel has, indeed, died. Despite what everyone might think, I didn’t kill him. As many of you know, Denzel and I were having problems. But, truth be told, I honestly had high hopes that we might be able to reconcile. Then, one day, completely and totally unexpectedly, Denzel died. This is his obituary:

Born 2005. Died 2007. Denzel ze Laptop, who died unexpected in his home in New York City, was a talented (albeit unfaithful) personal computing device. Remembered as an outgoing and friendly laptop who spread his IP throughout the world, Denzel vigilantly protected those he loved from spyware and adware until the day he died. During his very short stay on this earth, he quickly became known for churning out articles, blog posts, podcasts, emails, graphics and other items in a timely fashion. He loved freely and openly without reservation — a fact that made his owner wonder why he couldn’t keep his screen closed to others besides herself. “He was a whore,” says his loving and faithful longterm partner, Funky Brown Chick. “But, he loved and was loved in return. And, he always came back home to mama.” Denzel is survived by his fellow apartment-dwellers: two houseplants, various furniture items, and a penniless writer named Funky Brown Chick.

August 27th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [17] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Because It’s Always Been A Matter of Touch

Ah, love. On the subway, no less. Okay, so, I was boarding the 6 train heading north out of Astor Place the other day when a couple entered the subway and sat directly across from me. I tried not to stare, but I couldn’t stop my eyes from flirting toward their direction every now and then.

I pretended to read my book.

He was probably in his mid-20s. White. Tall. Brown hair, blue eyes. Slender. Attractive. He was dressed in an untucked, button down blue shirt and a pair of freshly ironed khakis. She was short. Round. Asian. Wearing a skimpy white sundress with flowers on it, she had long black hair that she wrapped into a loosely tied ponytail that was subsequently pinned up to into a messy bun to keep the heat away from her bare back.

I continued to pretend to read my book. But, I darted my eyes up every few seconds to see how they were doing. I didn’t want to watch, but I could stop looking at them. They were just so … sweet.

She was clearly upset about something, and she was quietly crying. As she used an old tissue to wipe tears from her face, he put his arm around her and whispered something very softly directly into her ear. In response, she gently placed her left hand on his right thigh–the part right above the knee — and gave it a tender squeeze. And, that’s exactly where I kept my glance for much longer than I probably should have.

Her hand.

The way that she touched his knee wasn’t in any way sexual. And, quite frankly, it’s not even something that I would have especially noticed were it not for the fact that they were sitting directly in front of me. But, as it were, there I was. Looking across the aisle at her hand.

The manner in which her hand graced his knee was just the kind of insignificant touch that reminds me, once again, that we’re all human and we need affection. It’s not even just about the sex. I mean, yeah, sure, who *doesn’t* like to get laid on a regular basis?? But, that’s not my point. For a brief moment … as I was watched that guy comfort his crying girlfriend … as I looked at her hand on his knee … I felt a little sad.

And, lonely.

I raised my book a few inches closer to my face, and I didn’t look at the couple again for the rest of my journey on the 6 train. A few moments later, my fellow subway riders and I came to a stop at Grand Central terminal. I opened my purse, stuck my book inside, stood up, and turned to face the opening doors.

As I exited the subway and walked up the stairs leading to the streets of Manhattan, I wondered if I should take a break from the dating world for a moment. Maybe I need to focus on myself? Maybe I need another vacation? Maybe I need to stop thinking, “strategizing”, planning, wondering and maneuvering my way throughout the dating world so much.

Maybe it’s best to just let the chips fall as they may.

(NOTE: Do you read me over at Nerve mag? Remember to check me out over there sometime if you haven’t already. This post is reprinted / reposted from there. )

August 23rd, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [8] folks got down with the Funky Brown

I Was Accosted by the Brown Haired Lady

I mean, yeah, sure, she certainly looks innocent enough. Yes, her. The cute woman with the rosy cheeks, bright smile, blue eyes, and shoulder-length dark brown wavy hair. But, something’s not quite right about this picture. I know this sounds odd but … standing there in the middle of the racks at the consignment shop … I get this strange feeling that the brown haired lady is watching me. And, surely enough, the next time that I glance up, I see her eyes quickly dart away from mine. Yep. Something’s up.

Rewind a couple of days. It’s the weekend, and I’m spending Saturday morning with Bro, Andy Milonakis’ sister, steak & egg brunches, and champagne glasses filled with mimosas. Afterwards, we go bargain shopping at consignment shops because we wonder which one of us will be the next one to find the second-hand Kate Spade purse for $15. So, there we are. Standing in the consignment shop. And, that’s when I notice the woman discretely staring at me. But, hey, it’s New York. You can find random people staring at other random people at any hour of any given day, right? So, it doesn’t bother me that she’s staring. But, it does bother me that I don’t know why she’s staring. Is she an interested lesbian? A crazed psychopath? Do I have a booger hanging from my nose? Oh gawd!!! I must have a booger. I quickly bat my nose with the back of my left hand and move to a different aisle. A few moments later, I peek over the clothing racks to see if the woman is still looking at me. I catch her eyes quickly darting away again. Dammit. What the hell is going on?

Time passes. My friends and I move toward the checkout line. I’m about 15 feet away from the door when I hear a small voice behind me say, “excuse me.” When I turn around, I see the brown-haired woman standing in front of me. Uh-oh. Moment of truth. “Excuse me,” she repeats. “Is your name Stolie?” I breathe a sigh of relief. My birth name isn’t Stolie, but that’s my nickname. And, the only people who would know me by that name are close friends from college and the people who read my blogs. Given that I’ve never before met the brown-haired woman standing in front of me, she must fall into the latter category.

Oddly enough, I instantly become a little nervous. It’s Saturday morning. I’m carrying a brown paper bag with a box of my leftover brunch food, and I’m slightly tipsy from the mimosas. I’m wearing a red top, wedges, and a second day’s wear jeans. My sunglasses are tucked into my shirt between my boobs, and I don’t have any makeup on. It sound silly to say it, but it disturbs me that I’m having my first “hey, aren’t you that girl from the blog?” moment when I’m not properly groomed. It’s a lot like letting someone see your apartment for the first time when it’s a complete and total mess. It’s like I wanna say, “No really. Trust me. Things don’t always look like this.”

The brown haired woman takes one look at me and says, “you look gorgeous.” And, instantly, just like that, I wanna make her my new best friend. She and I chat. Giggle. And discover that, oddly enough, we have a common (albeit insignificant) connection via one degree of separation. It’s a small world.

After Andy Milonakis’ sister and Bro finish at the check out counter, they walk over to the brown-haired woman and me. The conversation flows smoothly. Introductions are made. And, seconds later, we’re all laughing together as if the four of us have known each other for more than the 8 minutes. “I don’t wanna hold you guys up …” the brown-haired woman says. And, with that, friendly goodbyes are said. We prepare to part and go our separate ways. “You know,” I tell her, “you’re the first person who reads my blogs that has ever recognized me on the street.” The brown haired woman seems surprised. She thinks for a moment before saying, “Well,” she starts, “have you ever noticed anyone ever randomly staring at you?” Now, I think for a moment. “Yeah, but, you know … it’s New York.” The brown haired woman, Andy Milonakis’ sister and Bro all nod in unison because they know what I mean. New York is both a small town and a city filled with lunatics. So, sometimes, its damn near impossible to tell the difference between a glance of recognition and a crazed stare.

In any case, this “Reader Appreciation Day” post is dedicated to the cute little brown-haired woman from the consignment shop. You know who you are. And, because you came up to me, I now know who you are too. So, I just wanted to say a public “thank you” for reading my blog. (NOTE: Psssst! Big drippy kisses on the lips and a special Reader Appreciate Day “Thank You” to the folks at New York magazine as well! Thanks for reading the FBC and quoting my blog in your 8/13/07 issue!)

August 22nd, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [6] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Men vs. Women: Whose Single Life Sucks More?

“Women rule the world, and they have all of the power when it comes to dating,” says my guy friend Jonathan. I’m single. Jonathan is single. We’re at a bar sipping martinis, and we’re arguing over who has a harder time with the single life: men or women. “I read the stuff that you write on your blog,” Jonathan tells me. “You make it sound like single women have such a hard time and men have it so easy.” (NOTE: I disagree with Jonathan. But, whatever.) According to Jonathan, very attractive single women hold the world in the palms of their beautifully manicured hands. “Let me give you an example,” he says and I can’t wait to hear what he’s going to come up with now. “If a hot single woman wants to go to Japan, all she has to do is find some rich old guy. He’ll not only take the hot woman there, he’ll pay for everything too. Attractive women can have everything they want! And, that fucking sucks because it’s not fair.”

Perhaps, Jonathan’s sentiments hold true in other cities. But, here in New York, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Remember that Time Out New York article from a couple of months ago? (Psst! National Geographic reported the US Census figures for New York first, but the TONY article article got more coverage.) In any case, it’s a well-known fact that this city holds at least 185,000 more single women than single men. It’s hard out here for us single female pimps. I’m serious! I was so fucking frustrated after reading that TONY article that I wanted to come up with a conniving plot to knock off, kidnap, or otherwise rid this city of almost two hundred thousand of its most eligible & sexy single women. But, demographics be damned, Jonathan still thinks the bedicked of the dating world have it harder than the beovaried. And, truth be told, there are more than enough stats to back up his position as well.

Last year, AARP reported that single women have never been happier. Furthermore, as we already know, marriage is hazardous if you’re a woman and helpful if you’re a man. (Married men live longer than single men, but single women live longer than married men.) Want a bit of anecdotal evidence as well? Sexpot Donna tells me that she knows at least one guy who agrees with Jonathan’s position. “Yeah, I told one of my guy coworkers what you recently said about single women in this city,” she says. “He completely disagrees with you.” I start to wonder: What in the name of all that is holy are Jonathan and Sexpot Donna’s male coworker smoking? But, then I take a step back. Maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong? And, maybe the boys are right? Hmmm … This leads me to ask each of you reading this to use the comment section below to weigh in on this question — whether coupled, partnered, gay, straight or other — tell me: In your opinion, do single men have a harder life than single women? Bachelors or bacherlorettes? Whose single life sucks more?

Technorati Tags: dating blog, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, male female ratio nyc, single life, singles

August 21st, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [28] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Essence Magazine: 30 Dates in 30 Days

Essence magazine is getting on the internet / new media bandwagon in a big way. Why am I talking about this here on the FBC today? Well, I’ll give you three reasons:

1. I’m a geek / crazed nut about new media.
2. I’m a brown woman, so I’m part of Essence magazine’s core target audience.
3. I’m interested because the new media venture pertains to…drum roll, please…DATING. If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time, you know that I’m a singleton and I write about dating.

So, the new (internet) reality dating show is called 30 Dates in 30 Days. I can already hear some of you saying: “Booooring! Why does the world need another shitty reality dating show?” Well, here’s what’s going on … Basically, Essence is launching a web-based “TV” show — and there’s no guarantee that it will be shitty. You’ll be able to watch it on your computer. Your iPod. Wherever. And, whenever. It’s definitely an interesting move. Check out this article in Ad Age if you want more details.

August 21st, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [2] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Would You Buy The Stool for Balls?

Now, I’m not gonna pretend that I know what it’s like to have two balls with a penis swinging between them hanging out between my legs on a daily basis. But, I can’t imagine that it feels very comfortable. I’ll keep my reproductive organs tucked nicely away inside my uterus, thank you very much. In any case, when I saw the “Stool for Balls” over at Random Good Stuff, I instantly knew that there could be no better Manly Monday topic for August 21. ¡¡¡Todos los lunes son “Manly Monday”!!! So, here’s a question for you today. Fellas, is it comfortable to walk around with all that extra junk getting in the way of your manly strides? Do your twig and berries make it harder for you to walk? Would your discomfort be eased if you could spend your seated times comfortably seated in the Stool for Balls? And, for everyone else–ladies and gentlemen alike–would you use and/or purchase the Stool for Balls as a gift for someone?

August 20th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [8] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Friday YouTube Pick: Planet Unicorn

August 17th, 2007 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [2] folks got down with the Funky Brown