Men vs. Women: Whose Single Life Sucks More?
August 21st, 2007 ·
“Women rule the world, and they have all of the power when it comes to dating,” says my guy friend Jonathan. I’m single. Jonathan is single. We’re at a bar sipping martinis, and we’re arguing over who has a harder time with the single life: men or women. “I read the stuff that you write on your blog,” Jonathan tells me. “You make it sound like single women have such a hard time and men have it so easy.” (NOTE: I disagree with Jonathan. But, whatever.) According to Jonathan, very attractive single women hold the world in the palms of their beautifully manicured hands. “Let me give you an example,” he says and I can’t wait to hear what he’s going to come up with now. “If a hot single woman wants to go to Japan, all she has to do is find some rich old guy. He’ll not only take the hot woman there, he’ll pay for everything too. Attractive women can have everything they want! And, that fucking sucks because it’s not fair.”
Perhaps, Jonathan’s sentiments hold true in other cities. But, here in New York, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Remember that Time Out New York article from a couple of months ago? (Psst! National Geographic reported the US Census figures for New York first, but the TONY article article got more coverage.) In any case, it’s a well-known fact that this city holds at least 185,000 more single women than single men. It’s hard out here for us single female pimps. I’m serious! I was so fucking frustrated after reading that TONY article that I wanted to come up with a conniving plot to knock off, kidnap, or otherwise rid this city of almost two hundred thousand of its most eligible & sexy single women. But, demographics be damned, Jonathan still thinks the bedicked of the dating world have it harder than the beovaried. And, truth be told, there are more than enough stats to back up his position as well.
Last year, AARP reported that single women have never been happier. Furthermore, as we already know, marriage is hazardous if you’re a woman and helpful if you’re a man. (Married men live longer than single men, but single women live longer than married men.) Want a bit of anecdotal evidence as well? Sexpot Donna tells me that she knows at least one guy who agrees with Jonathan’s position. “Yeah, I told one of my guy coworkers what you recently said about single women in this city,” she says. “He completely disagrees with you.” I start to wonder: What in the name of all that is holy are Jonathan and Sexpot Donna’s male coworker smoking? But, then I take a step back. Maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong? And, maybe the boys are right? Hmmm … This leads me to ask each of you reading this to use the comment section below to weigh in on this question — whether coupled, partnered, gay, straight or other — tell me: In your opinion, do single men have a harder life than single women? Bachelors or bacherlorettes? Whose single life sucks more?
August 21st, 2007 ·
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Hi, I'm 
I agree and disagree with Jonathan. If I were into dating rich older guys for money and trips to Japan then I’d certainly be happy being single. It’d be a perfect life! The opportunities are many. However, if you’re unwilling to compromise like that, and prefer to remain single rather than date someone for mercenary reasons, then there aren’t as much opportunities to find a young nice likeable guy you could picture an actual future with as these guys are rather rare. That could make you single and unhappy.
In my case, if I were to date someone just for the sake of dating, simply because he’s available and fancies me, rather than because I actually like him back, I suspect I’d be unhappy. I’m happier being single than being in a relationship I’m not all too keen on. Does that make sense? Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled up!
The point is Darwin that there are plenty of handsom, rich, educated men in the city. However, hot attractive women are usually in deficit. Therefore, why would that girl choose handsom avaerage man vs. handsom rich man? I hope you see my point.
I kinda do see your point, but from my experience of rich guys, they have the ego to match their bank balances. Personally for me, an average guy is a welcome change from all that crap as long as he fits the rest of the usual criteria (decent looking, steady job, non-criminal activities etc). Maybe it’s just me that feels that way - so my opinion in this situation is as a minority? Or it’s because I don’t live in NYC?
I think it depends on your intentions.
If you’re dating in the attempt to find someone to spend your life with, the “bedicked” and “beovaried” (great words, FBC) have it equally challenging. Finding “The One”, as Morpheus will tell you, is pretty damned tough.
If your intentions are to get lots of nookie, women have *by far* the easier path. Rare is the bar filled with women trying to pick up guys. *Every* bar is top heavy with guys trying to pick up women.
If you’re out for material gain, beautiful women are very far ahead of everybody else. Jonathan was dead on with this point. I don’t even think there’s a question about this. Society invented the words “sugar daddy” and “gold digger” for a reason.
If you’re just out to have some fun and be happy, everyone starts on equal footing. Success will then depend on what you find fun and what makes you happy. That obviously is going to vary with your personality, and that’s more dependent on what’s between your ears than on what’s between your legs.
I guess I have clear up something. May be I am wrong and FBC is right. It can be due to three reasons: my really high standards, me being really pessimistic, and I usually talk about very attractive women in this case.
We can talk about as much as we can but I do not think will find really truth. To many variables we have to take into account. I hope FBC is right. :)
I think Baba Doodlius has it pretty close to right. As an attractive woman, when I lived in New York, I had no shortage of men hitting on me, but there was a definite shortage of guys worth a second date. I think being attractive certainly gives a man or a woman the advantage in situations where it’s about getting material things (trips, jewelry, apartments). But I have to say, attractive men often have a very ugly ego. I’ve met more “regular” guys who valued me for a person than I have super-good looking men who didn’t just look at me in terms of what I could do for their status or libido. In conclusion, I think it’s just as hard as ever to find the real deal, no matter who you are, but in the day to day dating world, I think it’s the women who have the advantage when it comes to the beginning of dating, and men who have the advantage when it comes time to be exclusive.
To piggyback on lovechocolate. It’s really more about quality than quantity. There are more women and likely more attractive women so the (straight) guys have a larger quantity of women to choose from. As far as quality goes, we’re probably neck and neck. I’m actually happier being single than dating assholes frankly.
Attractive women definitely hold the most cards, however there’s a caveat.. If the woman is totally neurotic and crazy, her looks will only take her so far.. So if an attractive woman can hold her neuroses in check, and has no problems with morals or dignity, she can go far…
@ Darwin: I’d have to agree with you on that one. If you’re not willing to settle for the sex-for-money exchange, the dating scene is a bit more difficult.
@ Jonathan: Heeeey! Welcome to the public enjoyment of the blog. You told me that you read it, but I don’t think that you’ve ever commented here before.
@ Baba Doodlius: VERY good points!! )
@ løvechocolate: Baba Doodlius is brilliant, isn’t he?
@ colored me: The quality thing is really tough. It’s easy to meet a guy. Hell, it’s even easy to meet a hot guy. So, you and løvechocolate are on to something with the quantity = easy, quality = hard.
@ walrus: Hell, NOBODY likes a neurotic and crazy undignified immoral partner … do they??
I’m single and I consider myself attractive…and yo u know what? I just cant take this freaking single life anymore!
It hurts when I see other couples “so happy together”, I go bananas everytime i see this guy i really like (who by the way isn’t what you call handsome and by the way doesn’t like me back…)
How many single guys do you see go crazy when they see the girl they fancy, or how many single guys do you see hurt when they see other couples?
Thats right! not much! because guys feel…but not as intense as we do! Women get their mind in the relationship their in…and yeah…sometimes we control guys that fancy us…but thats mostly because we feel sad and unsatisfied….like me ;)
Andrea, you’ve never been a guy so do not make conclusions. There is a really tough social pressure for guys to be manly and macho. That’s why they hide their emotions inside and never let them out. As it seems for girls it is easier and yes I think they do feel hurt when they see another couple. If you think they don’t, think again.
Andrea you come off completely ignorant in your post.. no wonder you’re single, you have absolutely no idea what makes men tick..
andrea: Two thumbs up to all single and attractive women! :)
Jonathan: … and in Andrea’s defense, you’ve never been a girl, Jonathan. ;)
walrus: Okay, okay, okay. Play nice. :) It’s okay to disagree. It’s okay to tell someone you don’t like what they’ve said. But, it’s a bit harsh to call your fellow readers “ignorant” and then tell them “no wonder you’re single”. The comments are fairly unmoderated, but the only rule around here is this: be kind to your fellow bloggers and readers. Slap on the wrist hereby given; any other comments of this vein will be deleted.
I met this guy–Greg–in my GRE class who was of the opinion that women in NYC are confused, that they don’t know what they want in a mate. He said that he felt women wanted to be “independent” yet “taken cared of.” What are your thoughts about that FBC?
Did you know that there are 106 : 100 male births to female? It’s a fact, not anecdotal nonsense. OK, so why do people (particularly women) insist there are more single available women than men? Because when you look at aggregate numbers there are more women! the problem is because women live longer than men, all the extra women are in the geriatric category. Throw in millions of male immigrants (immigration in the young single category is overwhelmingly more male than female, statistics are available online). Basically, when you are talking numbers, young women have the advantage.
Sorry, 20 something year old men don’t want to date 70 year old women, it’s not reasonable to expect them to.
OK, now also consider that men date an average of 5 years younger (or women date an average of 5 years older). then you get a lot of older men plucking women out of the younger age categories making things tougher for younger guys (who already have an ratio imbalance in women’s favor to deal with). That’s why there are always overwhelmingly more men in any single type activity oriented toward the youthful crowd. Doesn’t sound very fair does it? Nope, especially if you’re a young guy who wants to date a young woman.
OK, before older women start complaining I understand it gets tough for women when they get older, the male female ratio begins to equalize in middle age and a lot of middle aged men start dating younger women. Women begin to experience what men experience when they are younger. You might find someone, you might not, it’s not guaranteed like when you were young woman. I think the older women’s perspective on dating could be whole separate discussion in itself.
Then why do young attractive women persist in acting like they are at a disadvantage toward men?
They can walk in a singles bar and have literally dozens of perfectly decent looking men asking them out. They then start making generalizations about the men saying they all just want one night stands (some but not all), are all jerks (maybe some are, but not all). I’ve seen women walk in a bar, see a hundred single guys (maybe a tenth as many single women) standing around and say “They all look like losers”. How can they make judgements like that in such a superficial way? Maybe it’s a way of not acknowledging that they have the advantage. The media tells us every day that men are calling the shots in dating, but a young women’s real life experience contradicts that.
I wish as a man I could walk in a singles place and see a hundred single women (with a tenth as many single men). I sure wouldn’t denigrate them in any way. I’d be happy about it and appreciate it!
Often women focus on a small percentage of men in a very narrow category. Let’s say you are a guy with Brad Pitt or JFK jr. type looks. OK, most guys don’t look that good and only a few do, but those guys get women! I’ve known guys like that who have personalities of turnips but have more women after them in a week than I’ve had in my life. I agree that men can be superficial about looks, but the ladies can be just as bad!
Women will often zero in on one of those uber good looking guys, who already has plenty of women after him, and ignore the many other single guys around, finding petty things wrong about them. I can kind of deal with that but when they then start putting on the “it’s so tough for a young attractive women to find a good guy”, I just want to scream.
I’m not saying all women do that, in fact I think many women don’t, it’s the women in the single scene that do it. Most young women hook up (because it’s so easy) with a guy and get into a relationship, they are not available on the single scene, it’s the women who haven’t hooked up that are out on the scene. With such a plethora of men of all ages who want to date them, why haven’t they hooked up? Maybe they need to take a look at themselves, take a second look at the men they have dismissed and ask themselves: Why can’t I accept a decent guy there’s nothing wrong with? Maybe he’s not perfect or exactly what I have envisioned but no will ever be.
Maybe this posting is to honest. This kind of reality is going to be upsetting to a lot of people. I might even get deleted. I think some of these things needed to be said and hope people with respond with honesty.
Rochelle: My thoughts are that everyone wants what they can’t have; too much of one end of the spectrum makes us crave the other end. Don’t we all (men and women alike) want independence *and* the comfort of interpersonal relationships that fulfill our emotional needs? My other thoughts? Is Greg cute? If so, invite him out the next time we do drinks. ;)
RealityGuy: Okay, dude, you made me consider adding a new rule to the comment section. If you post any comment over 8 paragraph long, you will be required to start your own blog. ;) But, on a more serious note, yes, I’ll address many of the things that you’ve brought up here in a future post. (I’m limping along sans computer at the moment, so it might be a little while before I get back to this particular topic.)
Dear FBC,
Now that I’m going back to Spain and your lovely ex neighbours are going to have a girl, nothing but surprise came to my eyes after reading your blog.I’m sure [your old neighbors will] love this!
As regards the risks of bachelorism and its gender’s dinstinctions, I truly think that bachelorism is a state of absolute freedom that requires an extra existentialist effort which not everyone can handle.Without having to talk about Jean paul Sartre’s sheer and depresing, Parissian coffe-based theories, it’s true that “absolute freedom of choice” entails a overwhelming burden, a string that attaches the individual to the infinite.Infinite is too much, baby.Our left-right limited brain hemispheres can’t manage the concept of freedom.It;s like nicotine, but we love it, we crave for it.Since I am an integrated member of teh International Bachelor’s Club and sooner or later I will kick NYC, we can keep diggin on this tautologies of freedom and will ( oh those Erich Froom’s desperate book series! )
Bless.
Copa
come and visit Madrid loca!
SMOOCHES SERGIO!!!! :)
Personally, I think it’s far far far worse for men. The problem lies in one simple evolutionary conundrum. All guys pretty much want the same thing and women are much more diverse in what they want. Hence, why the cute attractive girl gets bombarded with men constantly. All men ranging from 18 to 60 feel they deserve a shot at that hot young girl. Whereas women want different things all over the board. A few want looks/height/or something physical, many revel in confidence and cocky funny attitudes, some really do want money, and others try to find someone similar to themselves (christian, hippie/bohemian/fitness freak, etc.). This makes it very complicated for guys on what to be to attract a girl, hence why some workout, others try to get rich, some work on their personalities, etc. I also have to agree that attractive girls and especially intelligent attractive girls are snatched up so fast that you never usually even get to see them past 25. Therefore, when you hit the bars, you are many times getting divorced, damaged, party girl types that are impossible to settle down for a nice relationship.
Many dating experts also have pointed out that the guy is always under the gun. One slip up and he can be out in a heartbeat. It makes it very discouraging when you say one negative thing about yourself and it could potentially end the relationship. Personally, I think it’s much more crushing for a guy to be single, because he knows he is going to have to do some extraordinary things to attract a female. Whereas, an attractive young girl can merely step into a room, say nothing and have every man in the bar begging them for a dance.
Thanks for the comment. :)
You said, “All men ranging from 18 to 60 feel they deserve a shot at that hot young girl.” I agree. You also said, “All guys pretty much want the same thing and women are much more diverse in what they want.” I disagree. Men may have been conditioned to believe “beauty” only comes in one particular shape, size, personality, color, etc., but it’s not been my experience that all men have bought into that bullshit. Some? Yes. All? No. Same could be said for women.
I know most of these comments were made quite some time ago, but I was so intrigued with this thread that I couldn’t pass it up!
Some months ago I was bemoaning my single status to a married female co-worker. I made the remark: “The problem is that men need women a lot more than women need men.” She actually agreed with my statement. Let’s face it: for all the talk about being “independent” and “a lone ranger,” most men need a woman in order to feel validated. I know that doesn’t *HAVE* to be true, but sometimes I think for a lot of us guys, life would be considerably better sharing life with a woman who actually wants to spend time with us. There’s also a bit of a double standard in regards to friendships: women can have their “girlfriends,” but if a guy has male friends he’s emotionally close to, he must be “gay.”
But yeah, I have to echo previous posters: us single guys have it worse. Just look at the suicide and early death rates for single men. :-(
I agree; it often seems men need women more than vice versa.
I would say the female single life sucks more because you are in competition with each other for the shiny thing to show off to your friends that they can’t get.
Men only play that same game you play- to get pussy.
So I expect you being single is a goddamn nightmare whereas a man being single is a FUCKING RELIEF.
Reality guy is a smart motherfucker- a dying breed in america.
Single women have it much much easier. A single man may be single because he cannot find a girlfriend, most wont admit it, but there are many men(yes including me) who have a very difficult time getting women to put down the bitch shield and give them a chance. This is not true for single women. A good looking girl is single because she WANTS TO BE, not for lack of men salivating at a chance to ‘get her.’ Even the most modest looking girl can put on a short skirt, a little makeup and hit the club and be hit on at least 5-6 times.
Interesting point, Bob. I do think single women have more choices than single men.
Wanna see more evidence that single women (at least the younger ones) have it better than the guys? Check this out:
http://www.mutantpalm.org/2008/10/26/americas-bare-branches.html
The guy’s blog links to a map that shows that for Singles in the 20-34 age bracket, *EVERY SINGLE* major metropolitan area in the United States has substantially more single men than women! (Yes, that includes NYC!) Again, younger women have more choices. No wonder I can’t find women my age who are single and looking!
So, I stumbled on this site, because my girl friend and I were having a conversation…about how men have more to choose from then women. So, I decided to google statistics on male population verses female. This caught my attention; which is rare as I am pretty sure that I have Adult ADD. Just kidding…so, I am reading this article.
I agree with Jonathan and how pretty women have it easy…if you want a sugar daddy, or if you want to get laid. I am a fairly attractive female. I catch the eye of males from time to time. I on the other hand am not looking for a sugar daddy, or to just get laid. I am looking for: a life partner, someone I can build history with, someone who enjoys my company, and someone who I can call my best friend. I have been currently single for 6 years now, and the picking for great guys are slim.
I think I am single because my standards are too high. I want a man: who is educated, who doesn’t live at home with their mom or dad, someone that by my age should be settled and has a place, not to mention a car, and has not just a job…preferrably a career.
I just think it is funny how still yet Jonathan is just stating the obvious. Yes, women who look good have an easier time getting laid and landing a sugar daddy. Besides that I am still in search and a needle in a hay stack is very hard to find, but I refuse to give up.
Happily single here in Florida,
Jen