Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

I Put This in My Mouth

Ah, ebony and ivory cupcakes. Believe it or not, we didn’t plan that.

Folks, remember to vote for one of my favorite blogs (”Cupcakes Take the Cake“) for the Bloggies. Deadline is tonight at 10:00pm … Speaking of things in my mouth ( … or, technically, “against my lips” — kisses … ) I’ll post an update about that guy Abe over on Nerve. Hmm, I’m going to a party tonight. If I leave at a decent hour, I’ll post the dating tale tonight. If I stay at the party longer than expected, I’ll post it tomorrow.

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Photo credit: Top taken by Rachel Kramer Bussel … bottom taken by a fellow cupcake-lovin’ fool sitting next to us.

January 31st, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [3] folks got down with the Funky Brown

I Heart British Men

Oh, dear! As I read the Jezebel headline, “Women Around The World Swear That British Men Suck,” my tiny, little heart felt a great sadness. They link to this article from the Telegraph:

“When Jennifer Rohn arrived in London from Idaho, America, ten years ago she had a vision of a typical British man: a mix of Hugh Grant, Lord Byron and Colin ‘wet shirt’ Firth in Pride & Prejudice. This man would have floppy hair and wear Savile Row suits; he would pick her up in his Aston Martin, take her to dinner at Scott’s and then woo her with some Marvell in front of a blazing log fire back at his country pile. The reality, however, was more disappointing.”

I love the Brits — especially the men. They’re fantastic! If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time, you know about my preference for imports. We’ve already given Manly Monday nods to the French and the Aussies. Coming soon: An Ode to the British Male.

January 29th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [8] folks got down with the Funky Brown

What’s Your Favorite (or Least Favorite) Part of Your Body?

With Barack Obama’s recent win, it only makes sense to award him today’s Manly Monday slot. Man, every part of Barack Obama’s body is my favorite part of his body. I’m not saying that I’ve seen the man naked because I haven’t. Well … I guess, technically, I *HAVE* seen him naked if you count my erotic dreams about him. But, I promise I didn’t have sex with him in my dream. He’s a married man for crying out loud! Even in my sleep, I still have standards. [NOTE: Yeah I slept with a married man once, but it wasn't my fault. The bastard lied and said he wasn't married. See Always a Mistress, Never a Misses over at Nerve for details.] Wait. What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, nudity, right? Okay, so, tell me: What’s your favorite (or least favorite) part of your body … or, if you prefer, your favorite part of Barack’s? ;)

January 28th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [14] folks got down with the Funky Brown

“Nothing says ‘I want you’ like a man with a mouth full of underwear.”

So, last night, I’m having drinks with a group of friends, right? I drink maybe, um, I don’t know … a shot Tequila and a few beers? I also shove 12 buffalo chicken wings in my mouth. So picture this … as I gnaw a greasy wing and smear sauce all over my chin, I chide a little cutie named Joe for buying me a drink. “COORS FUCKING LIGHT? You bought me a DOMESTIC beer?!” That, my friends, is class. Yes, bitches, true poshiness is: never having to say, “I’m an asshole.” (Joe, if you’re reading, THANK YOU for the beer and apologies for the assholery. Trust me; I’m much less of a diva than I seem.)

Anyway, so, during the night of unrestrained merrymaking, I Twitter like a goof, fantasize about being as pretty as Lynne d Johnson (blog)(photo), tell a guy I don’t date Americans, and let folks know that I respect vintage (though mistreated and misunderstood) temptresses like Dorothy Dandridge, Marilyn Monroe and Billie Holiday. “They were powerful in their own way.” I continue talking, “Ohhh! You know that line from RENT: ‘Every single day, I walk down the street I hear people say: baaaaby. So sweet! Ever since puberty, everybody stares at me … Boys, girls I can’t help it, baby.’ I LOVED that part. Man, I wanted to *BE* Maureen — you know, universal appeal and all. Idina Menzel nailed that roll.” My friends give me a look seems to say, “You’re an idiot.” My response? “Jessica Rabbit was kind of hot, too.” I think everyone who knows me jokingly worries about sanity.

Anyway, so, I’m quickly updating my blogs. Check out panties210 to find out why nothing says ‘I want you’ like a man with a mouth full of underwear. At my blog column at Nerve mag, read about my fucked up dating life in I Want You to Want Me.

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Photo credit: Image of Billie Holiday appears at ExplorePAHistory.com

January 25th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [10] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Do You See What I See?

Hey, folks, I’m testing out one of Amazon’s widgets. Depending on your computer (PC or MAC) and your browser (Firefox, Internet Explorer, Safari, etc.), you’ll either see a blank white box OR a cool little widget with a book display. Can you leave a comment or shoot me an email to let me know what (if anything) you see on your screen? THANKS!!

January 23rd, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [25] folks got down with the Funky Brown

FBC at Nerve.com: Best Sex Ever

Who doesn’t love good sex? Rewind to the holiday break. I finally got laid. If you’ve read this blog with any amount of frequency, you know that I’m single. My solo status isn’t the cause of my sexless life. (Hell, there are plenty of married duos who don’t get it on regularly either, right?) So, what gives? Well, truth be told [...]

Continue reading.

I’m writing at Nerve today. Tonight, I’m attending the Best Sex Writing 2008 book release party. I interviewed Rachel about the book just before the holidays. Watch it on YouTube.

January 22nd, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [9] folks got down with the Funky Brown

I’m from Illinois, Bitches!

Aye, Illinois, my beloved homestate. Over the past 40 years, Illinois has had eight governors. Exactly half have been sent to prison. Can *ANY* other state stake that claim on history?! Gov. Dan Walker was convicted in the Savings and Loan Association scandal of the 80s. Gov. Rod Blagojevich, allegedly tried to “sell” Obama’s senate seat. Gov. Otto Kerner, according to the Chicago Tribune, was convicted of “bribery, conspiracy, income-tax evasion, mail fraud and perjury”. George Ryan: Racketeering? Check. Conspiracy? Check. Fraud? Check. Victim of anal rape? Um, well, we all sadly know what happens in prison. Illinois gangsters, I tell ya. Straight up corn-loving gangsters. Why this topic today? To truly understand today’s Manly Monday pick, you’ve gotta understand how we roll in Illinois. Things are special out in the cornfields. Really special.

John Stroger, the first African-American Cook County Board President, passed away last Friday. I won’t reproduce a eulogy here because others have already done a more thorough job than I ever could. Read all about Stroger online at Cook County’s site and elsewhere. An accomplished man in life, the Chicago Tribune says his he’ll also be remembered as “an old-style politician who put a priority on using government to help his friends and family members”. My response? Um, duh, the man was from Chicago, wasn’t he?

John H. Stroger, Jr. Born: May 19, 1929. Died: January 18, 2008. He joins the Dearly Departed, God rest his soul.

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Photo credit: Image appears at The HistoryMakers

Technorati Tags: Chicago Tribune, Governor George Ryan, Governor Rod Blagojevich, Illinois, John H. Stroger, John Stroger, Jr.

January 21st, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [13] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Blogger Sex Night at In The Flesh January 17, 2008

L to R: Dashiell Bennett (Fleshbot), Jen Dziura (Jen is Famous), Martha Burzynski (Alice Ayers), Nichelle Stephens Nichelle Newsletter), Rachel Kramer Bussel (Lusty Lady), Allison Bojarski (CrossFitNYC), Lolita Wolf (Lolia’s Predictions & Predilections), T.A. Hines (Funky Brown Chick).

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Photo credit: Taken by Stacie Joy. Available on Flickr courtesy Rachel Kramer Bussel

January 19th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [8] folks got down with the Funky Brown