Okay, okay, I’m tired of typing the word S-E-X on my keyboard. My sex life is in Glamour magazine. I’m going to Sex 2.0. I liveblogged Sex 2.0. Sheesh! Damn! Let’s talk about something else. Not that there’s anything wrong with sex, mind you. I just wanna talk about a lot of other things, too.
Love. So, I’m talking to my therapist / life counselor about my dating life last night. (By the way, if you aren’t seeing your own personal guru, you should. See “how to choose a therapist.”) Anyway, so, I’m on the plushy chair and she’s facing me in another one. The room has four seats and a couch. I’ve been seeing this woman for a little more than two months now; each session, we always sit in the exact same place. Creatures of habit, I guess. Anyway, so, as I was saying, last night the conversation turned to my dating life. I tell her that I’m ready for something substantial right now. I don’t need to get married. I just wanna settle down into something a little more intimate, more stable with a man. After I leave the session, I start thinking about love: Why is it so much more substantial and fulfilling than sex? If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time, you know that I love men; I miss being in love with a man.
Remember that movie Love Actually? It opens and closes with these beautiful scenes shot in London’s Heathrow Airport. I didn’t know it until I saw the behind-the-scenes DVD, but those clips were completely unscripted. The director set up his camera and discreetly filmed people welcoming their loved ones home from flights. It’s really touching. So, I dug up the clip on YouTube and I thought I’d share it with you. For me, the best thing about love is the companionship. What about you? In your opinion, what’s the best thing about love?
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
why is love more fulfilling than sex?
think of it this way….
sex is like heroin…you get that quick high that you’re looking for.
Love is like methadone…It lasts longer its more subtle and helps carry you through the day.
Um, get out of my head.
I’ve been feeling the EXACT same way lately.
Love sex, but am at the point that I miss being in love. Good times. Damn growing up.
I think that companionship is a key part of relationships, but everyone has a different Love Language. I think your primary Love Language is quality time. However, you may date someone whose love language is physical touch. So, you both have to work together to make sure you are both giving and receiving love in the proper love language.
It’s got to be more than just companionship. It’s also the security of knowing you can be yourself rather than keep up a farce or hide little personal quirks that we all have. Knowing that that person will still be next to you when you wake in the morning; will stand back-to-back with you against the world.
A companion is someone external and complimentary. A lover has saturated your mind and flooded your body. One knows what the other is thinking, feeling, longing for.
The best thing about love – existentialism.
A side note about therapy:
I’m in the psychological arts field myself, and I notice the state of therapy is becoming too passive. So many therapists are moving away from active participation to just guiding the client along to figure it out for themselves.
Sometimes this is a good idea, but overall it’s maladaptive. This creates a parent-child situation, where the client knows what they have to do and say to please the therapist (who often only guides the client with a stern look or smart remark). It becomes more a matter of satisfying an authority figure for a lot of those who actually need to break away from the authoritative cycle.
I really hope that’s not the case with your therapist.
Companionship is nice, but I miss the intimacy. Not just sexual intimacy, but physical and emotional intimacy as well. As blunt and open as I am, it isnt as substantial as being truly intimate with someone. I want it, but have no idea on how to do so. *Sigh*
L
Ideally, ‘love’ should include the qualities of caring and sharing ‘unconditionally’. There would be no room for possessiveness or jealousy. ‘Companionship’ would be an imperative. And ‘sex’ may, or may not need to be a part of it.
I wrote on something that may be relevant at
http://javajones.wordpress.com/2008/04/13/the-dangling-conversation/
Check it out if you will.
Cheers!
There is a distinct difference between love the emotion and love the verb.
Love is more than how you feel about someone. It’s more about what you do for your beloved.
If love is not shown, not demonstrated in the simple, in the day to day, can it truly be called love?
I’m quite good at love the emotion.
Not so good at love the verb.
I tend love from a distance.
the actions and intentions that create connection at all levels is one of the things i like about love as a verb. love your new home. congratulations.
love is the one thing that everyone wants….. but none can handle…..
to live in that neck of the woods…. you have to give freely of yourself…… and
that’s the one thing that we will NEVER do…… you need guts…. and love of others
and yourself to do that and to do that well you need to trust…… and as we all
of the 21th century…… we dont care….. dont trust…. dont need anyone…..
and that’s why we are all in the shape we’re in…… we are sooooo full of ourselves
that we can’t even fit in the same room…. and so afraid to speak one-to-one
that we have blogs coming out of our buns….. we text…. we call …. we dont
listen….. we dont see eye to eye….. we are vague to all but our selves…..
love…. if we could download it….. we still would’nt know….. what to do with it.
when was the last time that you told someone that you loved them…and
meant it….. not for the great sex….. or the car …. or for the dream dinner
that was made for you….. just look that special someone right in the eye…
and….. well … you know the drill…… do it … before it becomes a thought
crime…..
lamesabassman……. I love you all….. now pass the ribs…. Eve…
It must be the weather… I’ve been feeling the same way…
I’ve never been in love per se, but what I miss about being in a relationship is that point you reach where, without thinking about it or asking for it, when you both sit on a couch together you get into this comfortable interlocked kind-of embrace- it’s just automatic. Little things like that.
*sigh*
The best thing about love is having bad things happen to you that you get through together as a couple, and then relishing in the idea of them when things are good. It’s so juicy to be able to look back and see how far you’ve come.
you can buy sex. you can’t buy love. at least, not in any tangible way. i like that most about it. they’re both acts, except, one comes and goes straight through the heart.
@ Meeks: Yeah, you may be on to something. I think part of it has to do with aging. In my teens, I liked guys for pretty stupid reasons. Oh, he’s cute!! :) Now that I’m older, I still sometimes like guys for for stupid reasons, but at least I KNOW they’re stupid reasons.
@ Anjuan: Love your comment so much that I’m going to write a full post about it.
@ Aka “Paul”: You are adorable! :) Love, love LOVE your comments about love. Hope some great woman has already grabbed you swept you away. :) About therapy … Yeah, my counselor is DEFINITELY not passive. I have a fairly strong personality, so I’m attracted to strong-minded female therapist who are truly engaged life coaches rather than passive listeners.
@ lola gets: Hmmm … that’s interesting food for thought. I think companionship is stronger than emotional intimacy. I can be emotionally intimate with a lot of people, but I don’t choose to bring them all into my circle. You know? It’s like I have tons of acquaintances, but I keep my group of friends quite small (and I regularly kick people out of that group and/or bring new people in). By the way, I like your comment about “I want to do it, but I don’t know how.” Might blog about that in the near future.
@ Java Jones: Couldn’t agree with you more! :) Well, except the jealousy part. I can be a jealous lover.
@ Desiree: GREAT point about the distinction between “love the emotion and love the verb.” Not sure if I’m better at one more than the other. I’d have to ask one of my exes.
@ Ananda Leeke: THANKS! :)
@ lamesabassman: What you say about “you have to give freely of yourself” is soooo true.
@: The Jaded NYer: I’ve been in love with a man before, but I’ve never thought that made me a better (or worse) person. I remember the days before that relationships, I’d tell people “I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love” and they’d look at me with sad eyes that seemed to say, “oh you don’t know what you’re missing!!!” It’s kind of silly and over the top. Yes, love is great. But, no, it doesn’t separate the world between: “Those Amazingly Perfect People Who Have Been in Love” and “Those Pitiful People Who Haven’t.” In fact, the people who divide the world that way are the ones who are MOST insecure about the whole idea of love. Sorry. Random rant. Might blog about that at a later date.
@ sexpot donna: Good point about the “how far we’ve come.” Every relationship is a journey.
@ melo: Oh, how beautifully written, “they’re both acts, except, one comes and goes straight through the heart.” I love that!
I can’t take full credit for the love language comment. Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages that I have often used to understand relationships.
Yeah, he wrote the book. (I’m familiar with it, and a few of my coupled friends totally swear by it.) But, YOU can take credit for putting it back in my mind. :) Plus, I really like the idea of “love language” more broadly speaking — i.e. how we express love and expect to have it expressed back to us.
FWIT, I’m all about physical touch, acts of service and quality time. Words of affirmation and receiving gifts aren’t really my thing.
Hey, thanks!
Yea, one has. It’ll be 4 years in May. And it’s an interracial relationship… go figure! =)
I’m glad you found a therapist that works for you. You’re a lucky one.
Four years in May? Yeah, reading your last comment, I was like, “that boy is TOTALLY in love with someone.” CONGRATS!!! :)
I have to say I love what the therapist in the Glamour article said about the orgasm–”no one can give you one, that’s your responsibility.” More people should think this way–we’d have satisfied (and thus happy) people in this world. :-)
Yeah, I liked that point, too. Someone else told me their therapist said: “You orgasm is your responsibility.” Same thought. I love it.