The other day, I wrote a post about love. Anjuan Simmons, a FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com reader who has the site Transmyth Blog said, “I think that companionship is a key part of relationships, but everyone has a different Love Language.” Oooh, yum, I like that comment. It makes me think: “What’s MY love language, generally speaking?” I tend to be standoffish and keep things light at the beginning of my relationships with men. Once I’ve sussed out that the person is someone who can be trusted, has my best interest at heart and is genuinely a decent human being, I totally open up and ask for (and expect!) total commitment. I’m fairly traditional in that way. I actually prefer deep, committed relationships over surfacey, shallow dates. In New York, however, I have dates. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of shallow dates. I think I’m ready for more. In the past, I’ve dated guys even if I didn’t really see any real potential because, hell, you can always learn new things from new people, right? However, lately, I notice I push aside and say goodbye to dudes if I don’t see any real potential from the start. Life is short, and my time is valuable; I’m picky about who I’ll share both with. But, whatever, back to that whole Love Language stuff.
What kind of lover am I? I’m committed, sensual, intense, faithful, jealous, genuine and passionate. If I’m gonna do anything, I’m not gonna do it half-assed. So I put 100% of my little, red beating heart into the recipients of my affection; I want them to do the same. Hence, I’ve had more substantial relationships when I lived in other cities. Here in New York, I have yet to meet a man who speaks the same love language that I do. What about the rest of you out there? What’s your love language? Have you found someone who speaks the same one you do? Or — devil’s advocate here — is it necessary that coupled partners speak the same language? Discuss.
Suggested, related book: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
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“What kind of lover am I? I’m committed, sensual, intense, faithful, jealous, genuine and passionate.”
So, you’re a REAL lover (and a fighter, which every real lover also is).
My love language is *silent*. When I speak, I tend to keep it “professional” and stick to non-sexual topics. Only with my eyes and skin can I truly speak the language of love… and I wouldn’t change a thing.
According to the book (and yes, my husband and I are indeed one of your couple friends who swear by it), I am “quality time” and he is “acts of service”. Even though we speak different love languages, we are able to pay attention to each other’s needs and have been able to make the relationship work. And being with a different love language has made me a more tolerant and less self-serving person.
my love language is …. white roses….. Dom and some strawberries….. the beach
early in the morn or late at night….. candle lite dinners….. weekends at Napa
Valley……. when two turns to one…. all night long……and waking in the morning,
looking into each other’s eyes…..
lamesabassman….. and I speak this language fluently…….. and often.
I have been hearing about this book for a while and do want to read it. Another one that was recommended by my Seal editor Brooke Warner is Undefended Love, which I started and looks really interesting. So I don’t know the precise language for what kind of lover I am, but definitely intense, loyal, and passionate. When I fall, I fall so hard it’s not even funny and, like you, I’m kindof over meaningless sex (except for those occasional can’t-help-it moments).
What I think is also hard is that that’s the kind of friend I (hope I) am too, and sometimes I wonder if I have room in my life for “the love of my life” because I have so many other people I truly care about and want to be there for. We shall see though, FBC. Sometimes people say things like “it’s men in New York,” but I don’t know if it’s that, or just New York itself.
FBC, maybe a change of venue would suit you. Say, Toronto, perhaps…
Rachel B., you make a good point about the importance and intensity of friendships. I think sometimes you have more than one soul mate, and they’re not necessarily restricted to the person you’re in a romantic relationship with, as several of my friends would attest to.
@ Aka “Paul”: You’re great. :)
@ sexpot donna: Oooooh, good point! “Being with a different love language has made me a more tolerant and less self-serving person.” This isn’t completely related but … a while ago, I dated a string of really shy guys. I’m soooo not a shy person, so it kind of helped me understand that mindset better.
@ lamesabassman: Napa Valley. Pretty!
@ Rachel Kramer Bussel: I hadn’t heard of Undefended Love until you mentioned it; gotta read that sometime. By the way, I *totally* fall hard too. But, here’s the weird thing … when it’s over, I jump off the train fast and move on. And, I know what you mean about making room and time for relationships *AND* the stuff about New York. By the way, I *LOVE* that first story in Dirty Girls!! It was even better read aloud!! :)
@ Christopher: Oooh, how I’ve often wondered that myself. If New York is the problem, maybe leaving the city is the answer. For better or worse, I’ve decided to stick it out. I’m not done with this place … yet. ;)
I guess I’m more of a Pareto lover. Give 80% of my heart, expend 20% of the effort. IMHO giving 100% means losing yourself. I’ve come a long way, used to give 20%, expecting 80 in return. Most people aren’t worth 80.
Yeah 100% is much too much.
I will say that Primary Love Language is probably Quality Time.