Apr 292008

Rewind to the weekend. I’m out with my friends Ify (African), Rochelle (black American) and Suja (Indian American?) — three brown women originally from different continents. At the end of the night, Suja has the brilliant idea to stop by Insomnia Cookies. Dependable, late night delivery and take out desserts. Delicious smells. Even more delicious tastes. How could you not love that place?! When it’s my turn to order, I choose a chocolate chip cookie with walnuts. “What kind of milk do you want with that?” the Latino guy behind the counter upsells me. “I like my milk like I like my men,” I joke. “White with no fat.” Bursts of laughter erupt from the three women in my group. The Latino cookie dealer doesn’t crack a smile. “He’s not touching that one with a ten foot pole,” Rochelle laughs. She knows I’m joking. The dude gives us our treats. We eat them. We go home. That random conversation doesn’t enter my mind again until I see a reader named Larry‘s comment about yesterday’s Manly Monday pick.

Do all of your Manly Monday picks [have to be] white guys? Do you only date white guys? I am not criticizing, I am just curious if you do only date white guys. Does that make you racist towards other races of men? That is the topic of my podcast/blog this week so I am trying to get your input.
[redacted URL]

Oooh, interracial dating! I can talk about that shit for hours. But, before we go there, I wanna set the record straight about Manly Mondays just in case I have new FBC readers who may not already know this stuff:

  1. I love men, so I created Manly Monday to give them a nod. All of them. :) Some MM picks are white (recently: Laird Hamilton and Paul Walker). Others — such as Lewis Hamilton, Denzel, Barack Obama, Morgan Freeman [shared with Casey Affleck for Gone Baby Gone], Stroger, and others — are not. And, as I mentioned the other day, the next Manly Monday is gonna be a sexy celebration of Asian Pacific American Heritage Month.
  2. The spirit of MMs is a celebration of every Y chromosome thing, not just particular men. Foxtrot your eyeballs to the right. You’ll notice many popular Manly Monday posts are about general guy stuff such as “How to Hide an Erection,” “Should Men Wear Thongs?” and other lovely topics about the bedicked.

Now that we’ve got that cleared up, let’s move to a different subject. The personal stuff. The “do you only date white guys” stuff. (Pssst! I’ve already covered this here and here if you want more details …)

I’ve kissed, licked, sucked and bedded many sexy, delicious white dudes. Hell, I once told a French Canadian ex that I was gonna buy him a box of chocolate-covered cherries “to remember me.” I pictured him using his pink lips to apply pressure to the soft, brown candy’s shell until it gently opened — oozing sweet juices down his chin & revealing the soft, round cherry hidden inside. He liked the visual on that one.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh, yeah … White dudes. Do I date them exclusively? Nope. I have a very loooong, extensive dating history. I’m not seeing anyone exclusively right now, but I’ve gone out with: white, black, Latino, Jewish, Middle Eastern, etc. etc. men.

“So, funky brown,” some of you might say. “If you don’t only date white guys, what was with the milk joke at Insomnia Cookies?”

Honestly? Shock value. (Juvenile, I know.) I was with a group of amazing women. It was the end of the night. We were tipsy. I was feeling a little punchy; so, I wanted to put the dude behind the counter on his toes. For better or worse, the topic of interracial dating still has that effect.



Who gets down with the funky brown? Everybody. :) FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com readers are fiercely loyal and steadily growing in number. I love my readers! Approximately 72% are really cool peach folks (there are more peach people online), and the site attracts about twice the internet average for brown people. Asian, Latino and international visitors are steady regulars at the party, too. Full disclosure? Getting down with the funky brown has universal appeal, baby! :)



Loving Day: Celebrate the legalization of interracial couples.


Photo credit: The ever-fabulous brown American photographer in the Netherlands, Rachel James, took the milk and cookies photo.

  44 Responses to “Interracial Dating: The Brown Chick Who Sometimes Dates White Dudes”

  1. Use what I do when asked that question…..honey I am United Nations of Dating….when I find a good one I date him :) With the lack of single guys on the planet how can you afford not too!!!

    (Felicia who is running late to work but was bound and determined to post a comment actually on the page LOL)

  2. I’m mixed……So i can’t hate on a lil afternoon swirl. my personal dating habits were pretty exclusive.

    1. you had to be born a female……..atleast thats what i tell myself to help me sleep through the night. because lord knows…..there some out ther that you just can’t tell….

    2. you have to be interesting in some way.

    3. you have to be open….open as in willing to smile and have a good time. I never understood how people could go on a date in a pissy defensive mood. Why not just stay your ass home instead of torturing some poor guy who might be interested in knowing more about you.

    race was never a requirement…except that you have one. LOL

  3. Funky, way to get on down with all the colors and nationalities! More people like you in the world would improve things immensely.

    I suppose I must be in the “other” category of your readership breakdown, since I’m green.

  4. the racial thing is very curious. because in an american point of view, i’m a latina. and i couldn’t be more white :P (i’m blond with blue eyes) i mean, europeans, don’t destinguish latinos from white. i found that very amusing.

    anyway. i only dated white and/or latinos, but i’m curious about other races/ethnicities. just never happened.

    oh, Insomnia Cookies sounds amazing! Here, after-hours, we have only 2 alternatives: store from gas station (a lot of them open 24h) or drive in of mac donalds :( that’s what i really envy ny. the city who never sleeps part :P

  5. Yeah, so when I’m feeling punchy, I say –

    “I like my coffee like I like my women……bitter.”

  6. the whole race thing. i don’t like it. with the advances of genetics, it has been proven that can exist more genetic differences between two white guys (example) than between two guys from different races. i think it’s time to leave the “brand” behind. for me races are for dogs (in portuguese race (“raça” means both race and breed, funny huh?).

  7. BTW:

    this is me: https://twitter.com/cleopatravii

    i’ve finally decided to create one. now i’ve got it all. livejournal, blog, hi5, myspace, facebook and twitter. lol. internet addicted? me? noooo… ;)

  8. Thanks for the link back!

  9. @ Felicia: The “United Nations of Dating.” I like that. :)

    @ dkzone: I think it’s kind of cool that “you have to be interesting in some way” is one of your dealmakers/dealbreakers.

    @ Baba Doodlius: Green?? :)

    @ Carolina Pereira: Yeah, the UK, Europe and the US have very different views on race/ethnicity. I didn’t realize exactly HOW different until I lived over on your side of the pond. (More on this later.) And, yeah, Insomnia Cookies is amazing. Late night desserts. It’s great!!

    @ grampa: Last night, I was on the phone with two friends who read my blog (Mags and Bro). They were like – “Who’s grampa??? That bitter comment was funny!!”

    @ Rachel James: No prob at all, babes! Credit always given where credit’s due. By the way, happy Koninginnedag!!! (Jammer dat ik je niet ontmoet heb toen ik in Nederland woonde.)

  10. My philosophy is: as long as you’re working with the right equipment, I don’t care what color that equipment is!

  11. Yes, green. Have you seen my pic on my blog?

  12. funky, what do you think about the research that shows that white partners are usually less attractive than their minority counterparts? (the minorities have to make up for their minority status). i have heard white guys say, “the best thing about living in NYC is not having to date white girls”. what does that say about the power dynamic?

    since i was socialized to have men be more attentive, respectful and caring, i have found white men to be less caretaking and more selfish, is it just me? i date all races.

  13. @ Desiree: Love it! :)

    @ Baba Doodlius: Aha! It’s like you said, “Brains and looks, the total package!” :)

    @ notapatientgirl: I love juicy comments! :) Okay, first, y’all know I’m a numbers geek who loves research stuff, right? So, apologies in advance. ;) Moving right along … I don’t have an opinion on the “white partners are usually less attractive than their minority counterparts” because I haven’t read social science research that says that yet. Can you post the link? Kind of similarly, I can’t say I’ve heard white guys say that “the best thing about living in NYC is not having to date white girls” because — even as progressive and open-minded as New Yorkers are — most folks here (like in the rest of the country) still date, cohabit and marry within their ethnic group.

    “About 6 percent of married couples were of different races. For unmarried partners, the proportion of mixed-race couples was nearly 12 percent.” (Source: NY Times)

    Interracial Married Couples: 1980 to 2002 (Source: US Census)

    YouTube clips from NBC news, New York.

    About the “less caretaking and more selfish” stuff? Um, yeah, describes many of my exes — regardless of race/ethnicity. ;) And, hell, a lot of them would say the same about me.

  14. Read the last line, this is an economic approach, but various psychology studies also support that notion ( i no longer have univ. access to medline etc.)

    Marketplace Economy: The Evaluation of Interracial Couples
    G. Elder’s (1969) marketplace theory and Porterfield’s (1978) concept of status incongruity were tested as possible explanations for the perceptions of and behavioral propensities toward a Black male-White female couple in a 2(Sex of Subject) x 2(Race of Male) x 2(Status of Male) x 2(Attractiveness of Female) design. Results obtained showed somewhat greater support for the marketplace concept that for the status incongruity concept. While evaluations of the interracial couple were negative overall, Race x Attractiveness interactions obtained allow one to infer that the couple was evaluated based on the perceived equity of the exchange of these variables. The Black male-unattractive White female couple received the best evaluation. By inference, this couple was perceived as an equitable exchange of assets.

  15. Social exchange is an older theory that was first used to explain interactions between individuals (Blau, 1967). According to this theory, romantic relationships, just as any other interactions, are based on a give-and-take system of valuable commodities (Blau, 1967). In the case of romantic relationships, the commodities being exchanged were the male’s financial security and the female’s desirable person commodity (i.e., attractiveness) (Heaton & Albrecht, 1996). Therefore, the exchange was originally based on gender differences; however, this theory was modified somewhat for interracial couples. In the case of interracial couples, the minority race was construed as a negative commodity that must be balanced with the White partner’s social status. In exchange for the White partner’s social status, the minority partner provides financial stability or another valuable person commodity.

    in a study examining attractiveness of Black/White interracial couples, Murstein, Merighi and Malloy (1989) found that Black males were rated as significantly more attractive than their White female counterparts.

    Perceptions of Same-Race and Interracial Dating Couples on Sexuality and Relationship Variables by Gabriela Carrasco

  16. Now I’ve seen it all… http://www.lovingday.org/map.htm 1950-1966?!?

    Are you friggin’ kidding me?!? Now I’d need to do some research on how this worked in the “Old Country” but I can’t fathom a SANE society actually putting laws on the books to make it ILLEGAL.

    I shudder to think what Freedom(sm) it aims to export to the rest of the world…

  17. @ ErrorBoy: Ooooh, please remind me to bring this up the next time I see you. In the meantime, check out these two FBC posts: (1) Making Love in the Green Grass about the words to “Brown Eyed Girl” — originally titled: “Brown-skinned Girl” — and Mildred Jeter & Richard Loving, that 1967 couple that fought to change the ban on interracial relationships and (2) What a Wonderful World.

    @ notapatientgirl: Thanks for articles! :) Now that you’ve mentioned the “Marketplace Economy” piece, it **vaguely** rings a bell from my undergrad years. About social exchange theory, in general, and pieces that espouse it … I’m not a fan. It’s regurgitated “rational choice.” That’s a looooong conversation, not just a blog comment. My starting points are: human beings are extremely irrational — especially when making choices about interpersonal relationships — and rational choice theory is a tautology. So, we’ll probably have to agree to disagree. :)

  18. Hey, you’ve done an incredible disservice to insomnia cookies. You butchered their hyperlink (someone – I’m guessing you – tossed in an extra HTTP). Now everyone that clicks on it will think the company’s run by a bunch of ham-fisted troglodytes with a defunct website and thus very likely equally incompetently produced cookies.

    Kidding. Nice post.


  19. Thanks for the heads up about the broken link! I’m sure other folks were smart little cookies (like you) who figured out how to remove the extra http. But, I fixed it anyway. I’m all about shooting any extra eyeballs their way that I can. Insomnia Cookies rocks!

  20. [...] FUNKYBROWNCHICK – Interracial Dating: The Brown Chick Who Sometimes Dates White Dudes – I for one am all for the swirl! [...]

  21. Desiree: THANKS for the link love!!! :)

  22. I feel famous now that I’ve been mentioned in your blog. I have, of course, forwarded this link to everyone I know, including my mother. ;-)

  23. You forwarded this to your MOM? Be sure she reads the line that starts, “I’ve kissed, licked, sucked and bedded …” ;) Sheesh!

  24. No shame in what you said. I’m Indian-American and while I find all kinds of men attractive, I have a strong preference for white.

  25. Zen: Everyone’s got their reasons for dating who they do I guess. By the way, just checked out your blog again. I loooooove your header!!! :)

  26. I swear, I recently just started blogging about the whole white guy/ black girl issue and it kills me time and time again that there are sooooo many of these relationships out there. I’m in a white guy/ peanut butter girl (that’s me) (I’m Hispanic)right now. Getting married actually. When I was 1st interested in the “white boy” trust me when I tell you I would get the death stare like how dare I even consider looking at them with flirtacious thoughts on my mind?! Lo and behold I did get involved with a very few (um i can count on 1 hand how many white guys I’ve been with). Maybe I had it all wrong this whole time? Maybe I wasn’t “dark” enough for them so they felt they were getting jipped out of the whole black/white thing??? Who knows,, or maybe it was obvious I was Hispanic,, but my curly hair threw them off????? It dosen’t really matter. Moral is I love my white milk honey , I adore my oh soooo tanned skin, and the combo we make.. it’s cool knowing (although I almost never see them) black women who are with/dating or married to white men!!!

  27. I think you should start calling him that: “I love you, my white milk honey.” :)

  28. I think I will! I’m sure he’d get a kick out of it, Bless his heart I truly think he is color blind. He only sees me as a woman he loves and is going to marry. I bring up our skin color and my Hispanic culture and background more than he does. I’m in love with how open his mind is. To all Interracial couples out there who are making true lasting relationships, commitments, marriages and familes more power to you for your love and your open hearts and minds!

  29. I’m pretty egalitarian. Hot is hot, cute is cute, and nice eyes are nice eyes, regardless of size, shape and pigmentation. (well, except for the eyes part. I do love, big, round eyes.)

    I had a Jewish professor for an African-American history class. Super-cool dude, was actually on a Chapelle show segment one time. Anyway, he used to get dirty looks in his neighborhood from all the yenta biddies when he’d take his (predominantly black) girlfriends out to dinner. I think he ended marrying a white woman, but I know his daughter married a black man. And what’s the point of it all? Only this: So what?

    The best response to questions like “Are you racist in your dating?” is a brief “Who cares?” You can only do so much to affect what gets you hot, and I don’t think it’s wrong to get turned on by one characteristic or another, provided you know it’s meaningless. Some people only date zaftig women, some only date blondes. Most girls I know who hover around 5′ tall refuse to date guys shorter than 6′. If somebody must have an exclusive preference, better they go for variety than homogeneity. I mean, what would raise your hackles a little more: Robert DeNiro only dating black women, or Robert DeNiro saying “I only date white women.”

    But even then: so what? It’s nobody’s business but the couple’s, and if they’re in love, who’s gonna stand against that?

    End rant.

  30. @ Sabrina: Hmmmm, “Color blind.” Now, that’s a full blogpost in its own right.

    @ Brenz: You rock!! :)

  31. Color blind in a sarcastic way; or joking way. Whenever “race” or skin tones or any of said conversation comes up he looks at me with this complete blank stare. I just don’t think he really cares much at all what others may think or say about our relationship or just the whole inter racial thing in general. Well whatever it is it’s obviously working for us!!!

  32. I’m glad you guys are happy! :) Everyone deserves a partner that makes them happy.

  33. [...] “I like my men like I like my milk: imported, white and with no fat.” [Read the details.] [...]

  34. [...] The Brown Chick Who Sometimes Dates White Dudes I like my milk like I like my men. White with no fat. [...]

  35. Even though I don’t participate in the dating game, I do find white men (foreign and domestic) to be extremely attractive and I’m a toffee brown female myself. I like a lot of cream in my coffee. LOL. Like they say milk DOES a body good.

  36. I find men of all sorts attractive. I, too, have dated the United Nations. I look back fondly at all the diversity of my exes because I had such a wide range of experiences with them–different foods, languages, places we would go, etc.

  37. [...] Obama’s sexy face — has universal appeal. ;) I’ve mentioned Funky Brown Chick reader demographics before. I’m quite proud Tango magazine applauded my site by saying its “frank talk [...]

  38. I say to all the beautiful Black Women “try it you may like it.” White guys are sweet, kind and fun. They look good next to your beautiful skin and if you like attention you will get plenty when you eat out in an all or mostly white resturant. I told my brown girlfriend that now that spring was here I could tan-up and look more like her. She said “I love the color of your skin, don’t change a thing.” We look so fine together it people can’t help but watch.
    Ms. Brown you need to do a story on why Blackman shoot eye-bullets at me and my beautiful black girlfriend when we are out together. Why is there a double standard…I don’t do this when a white women and a black guy are together.

  39. Race shouldn’t matter, but I have to say that contrasting skin tones does look nicer in bed when you’re looking down at your legs tangled together.

  40. hmm no offese funky but the whole “i like my milk like i like my men. . .” comment is a big IR turn off. At least to me. if i guy i just meant came at me with a “chocolate” line i’d be like “stfu” …well at least in my head. People like to be appracohed and treated like people, not desserts or beverages. Just flirt with him like he is a guy and drop the white part please!!! lol

  41. I’ve only dated Hispanic and Afro-American (GAWWD! I so hate this politcally correct shit) in my life. Why? Because I do believe white men have never found me attractive and to be quite frank there’s only been a handful I can say I found attractive either. I’ve befriended quite a few of them, alas though I’ve never had ANY dates or sexual encounters of a 3rd kind with these white men. However, just a few yrs back while having this conversation with Jake (fine-ass white guy) he leaned over at MOJO’s Lounge and told me it’s because white men were more than likely threatened by me. He went on to tell me I have a very confident demeanor about me and am attractive. He believes this would scare any man off with low self-confidence and espeically his own race of people. I sat there and thought about this for a minute and wonder if this was really the reason, or he was just blowing smoke up my ass. LOL! It sure didn’t keep the other colored fools from stepping to me so why them?

    Till this day I don’t know if this may have been the case and now I’ll never know seeing as though I’m engaged to be married *sigh*, but for what it’s worth, I had a ball with all those paisas and bruthas.

  42. OH! OH! Another thing… and FUnky bRown I’m really digging your blog, but with all due respect, is it just me, OR do African American women have a problem with the black man dating outside of their race? I’ve been following your blog now and I see you keep it really real so am I going crazy when the times in my past me and the ex-were out and about and black women would throw the darted stares, shrivel their lips like prunes, roll their eyes, and EVEN on some occasions “accidentally” bump into me? All the listed I could deal with, however, when it became physical and done purposely (come on now! Some of these women couldn’t possibly be bumping me accidentally now could they? AND ONLY WHEN I WAS W/HIM?!) this is when it became a full-fledged problem in our relationship. And there were those black women and men who would also comment on our inter-relationship and commend on us following our hearts (bastard did me wrong anyhow!), but they were far and few in-between that said this to us.

    Well we called it a day anyhow after 2.5 yrs., but I still want to know. Is this a real issue for some (not all) black women? Personally, I give 2 shits less if a Mexican man is dating outside of his race and I say more power to the both of them! God speed!

  43. I think the phenomenon **LoveEMuffinS referred to occurs with respect to inter-racial dating in more circumstances. While they may themselves be attracted to someone of a different race, many people’s comfort levels aren’t developed enough yet to prevent them from feeling jealous when someone the could imagine dating goes out with someone of a different race. I wept for joy when Barack and Michelle won the election. Being white, I remember the reaction of relief from white men when they found out Barack’s wife, Michelle, was black. It wasn’t that long ago when they called inter-racial dating “sedition” and it was a crime When the boxing champion Jack Johnson dated white women he wound up being banned from boxing in this country. We’ve come a long way, but still have a long way to go. While I have kissed with and been spanked by black women, and the idea of it turns me on, I have never dated a black woman. I’m older now, but I sometimes still wonder what the future holds.

  44. Way late to the convo but brown girls rock.  Problem is that I stutter and stammer when I meet them so nothing goes too far.  Even then, meeting one is really rare up here in Minnesota so I’m double screwed. :-(

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