Interracial Dating: The Brown Chick Who Sometimes Dates White Dudes
Rewind to the weekend. I’m out with my friends Ify (African), Rochelle (black American) and Suja (Indian American?) — three brown women originally from different continents. At the end of the night, Suja has the brilliant idea to stop by Insomnia Cookies. Dependable, late night delivery and take out desserts. Delicious smells. Even more delicious tastes. How could you not love that place?! When it’s my turn to order, I choose a chocolate chip cookie with walnuts. “What kind of milk do you want with that?” the Latino guy behind the counter upsells me. “I like my milk like I like my men,” I joke. “White with no fat.” Bursts of laughter erupt from the three women in my group. The Latino cookie dealer doesn’t crack a smile. “He’s not touching that one with a ten foot pole,” Rochelle laughs. She knows I’m joking. The dude gives us our treats. We eat them. We go home. That random conversation doesn’t enter my mind again until I see a reader named Larry’s comment about yesterday’s Manly Monday pick.
Do all of your Manly Monday picks [have to be] white guys? Do you only date white guys? I am not criticizing, I am just curious if you do only date white guys. Does that make you racist towards other races of men? That is the topic of my podcast/blog this week so I am trying to get your input.
[redacted URL]
Oooh, interracial dating! I can talk about that shit for hours. But, before we go there, I wanna set the record straight about Manly Mondays just in case I have new FBC readers who may not already know this stuff:
- I love men, so I created Manly Monday to give them a nod. All of them. :) Some MM picks are white (recently: Laird Hamilton and Paul Walker). Others — such as Lewis Hamilton, Denzel, Barack Obama, Morgan Freeman [shared with Casey Affleck for Gone Baby Gone], Stroger, and others — are not. And, as I mentioned the other day, the next Manly Monday is gonna be a sexy celebration of Asian Pacific American Heritage Month.
- The spirit of MMs is a celebration of every Y chromosome thing, not just particular men. Foxtrot your eyeballs to the right. You’ll notice many popular Manly Monday posts are about general guy stuff such as “How to Hide an Erection,” “Should Men Wear Thongs?” and other lovely topics about the bedicked.
Now that we’ve got that cleared up, let’s move to a different subject. The personal stuff. The “do you only date white guys” stuff. (Pssst! I’ve already covered this here and here if you want more details …)
I’ve kissed, licked, sucked and bedded many sexy, delicious white dudes. Hell, I once told a French Canadian ex that I was gonna buy him a box of chocolate-covered cherries “to remember me.” I pictured him using his pink lips to apply pressure to the soft, brown candy’s shell until it gently opened — oozing sweet juices down his chin & revealing the soft, round cherry hidden inside. He liked the visual on that one.
Anyway. Where was I? Oh, yeah … White dudes. Do I date them exclusively? Nope. I have a very loooong, extensive dating history. I’m not seeing anyone exclusively right now, but I’ve gone out with: white, black, Latino, Jewish, Middle Eastern, etc. etc. men.
“So, funky brown,” some of you might say. “If you don’t only date white guys, what was with the milk joke at Insomnia Cookies?”
Honestly? Shock value. (Juvenile, I know.) I was with a group of amazing women. It was the end of the night. We were tipsy. I was feeling a little punchy; so, I wanted to put the dude behind the counter on his toes. For better or worse, the topic of interracial dating still has that effect.
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RELATED MEDIA:
Who gets down with the funky brown? Everybody. :) FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com readers are fiercely loyal and steadily growing in number. I love my readers! Approximately 72% are really cool peach folks (there are more peach people online), and the site attracts about twice the internet average for brown people. Asian, Latino and international visitors are steady regulars at the party, too. Full disclosure? Getting down with the funky brown has universal appeal, baby! :)
RELATED BOOK CHOICE OF THE DAY:
RELATED LINK OF THE DAY:
Loving Day: Celebrate the legalization of interracial couples.
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Photo credit: The ever-fabulous brown American photographer in the Netherlands, Rachel James, took the milk and cookies photo.
April 29th, 2008 at 7:49 am
Use what I do when asked that question…..honey I am United Nations of Dating….when I find a good one I date him :) With the lack of single guys on the planet how can you afford not too!!!
(Felicia who is running late to work but was bound and determined to post a comment actually on the page LOL)
April 29th, 2008 at 10:21 am
I’m mixed……So i can’t hate on a lil afternoon swirl. my personal dating habits were pretty exclusive.
1. you had to be born a female……..atleast thats what i tell myself to help me sleep through the night. because lord knows…..there some out ther that you just can’t tell….
2. you have to be interesting in some way.
3. you have to be open….open as in willing to smile and have a good time. I never understood how people could go on a date in a pissy defensive mood. Why not just stay your ass home instead of torturing some poor guy who might be interested in knowing more about you.
race was never a requirement…except that you have one. LOL
April 29th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Funky, way to get on down with all the colors and nationalities! More people like you in the world would improve things immensely.
I suppose I must be in the “other” category of your readership breakdown, since I’m green.
April 29th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
the racial thing is very curious. because in an american point of view, i’m a latina. and i couldn’t be more white :P (i’m blond with blue eyes) i mean, europeans, don’t destinguish latinos from white. i found that very amusing.
anyway. i only dated white and/or latinos, but i’m curious about other races/ethnicities. just never happened.
oh, Insomnia Cookies sounds amazing! Here, after-hours, we have only 2 alternatives: store from gas station (a lot of them open 24h) or drive in of mac donalds :( that’s what i really envy ny. the city who never sleeps part :P
April 29th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Yeah, so when I’m feeling punchy, I say -
“I like my coffee like I like my women……bitter.”
April 29th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
the whole race thing. i don’t like it. with the advances of genetics, it has been proven that can exist more genetic differences between two white guys (example) than between two guys from different races. i think it’s time to leave the “brand” behind. for me races are for dogs (in portuguese race (”raça” means both race and breed, funny huh?).
April 29th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
BTW:
this is me: https://twitter.com/cleopatravii
i’ve finally decided to create one. now i’ve got it all. livejournal, blog, hi5, myspace, facebook and twitter. lol. internet addicted? me? noooo… ;)
April 30th, 2008 at 2:08 am
Thanks for the link back!
April 30th, 2008 at 5:51 am
@ Felicia: The “United Nations of Dating.” I like that. :)
@ dkzone: I think it’s kind of cool that “you have to be interesting in some way” is one of your dealmakers/dealbreakers.
@ Baba Doodlius: Green?? :)
@ Carolina Pereira: Yeah, the UK, Europe and the US have very different views on race/ethnicity. I didn’t realize exactly HOW different until I lived over on your side of the pond. (More on this later.) And, yeah, Insomnia Cookies is amazing. Late night desserts. It’s great!!
@ grampa: Last night, I was on the phone with two friends who read my blog (Mags and Bro). They were like - “Who’s grampa??? That bitter comment was funny!!”
@ Rachel James: No prob at all, babes! Credit always given where credit’s due. By the way, happy Koninginnedag!!! (Jammer dat ik je niet ontmoet heb toen ik in Nederland woonde.)
April 30th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
My philosophy is: as long as you’re working with the right equipment, I don’t care what color that equipment is!
April 30th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Yes, green. Have you seen my pic on my blog?
April 30th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
funky, what do you think about the research that shows that white partners are usually less attractive than their minority counterparts? (the minorities have to make up for their minority status). i have heard white guys say, “the best thing about living in NYC is not having to date white girls”. what does that say about the power dynamic?
since i was socialized to have men be more attentive, respectful and caring, i have found white men to be less caretaking and more selfish, is it just me? i date all races.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:08 am
@ Desiree: Love it! :)
@ Baba Doodlius: Aha! It’s like you said, “Brains and looks, the total package!” :)
@ notapatientgirl: I love juicy comments! :) Okay, first, y’all know I’m a numbers geek who loves research stuff, right? So, apologies in advance. ;) Moving right along … I don’t have an opinion on the “white partners are usually less attractive than their minority counterparts” because I haven’t read social science research that says that yet. Can you post the link? Kind of similarly, I can’t say I’ve heard white guys say that “the best thing about living in NYC is not having to date white girls” because — even as progressive and open-minded as New Yorkers are — most folks here (like in the rest of the country) still date, cohabit and marry within their ethnic group.
“About 6 percent of married couples were of different races. For unmarried partners, the proportion of mixed-race couples was nearly 12 percent.” (Source: NY Times)
Interracial Married Couples: 1980 to 2002 (Source: US Census)
YouTube clips from NBC news, New York.
About the “less caretaking and more selfish” stuff? Um, yeah, describes many of my exes — regardless of race/ethnicity. ;) And, hell, a lot of them would say the same about me.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:44 am
Read the last line, this is an economic approach, but various psychology studies also support that notion ( i no longer have univ. access to medline etc.)
Marketplace Economy: The Evaluation of Interracial Couples
Abstract
G. Elder’s (1969) marketplace theory and Porterfield’s (1978) concept of status incongruity were tested as possible explanations for the perceptions of and behavioral propensities toward a Black male-White female couple in a 2(Sex of Subject) x 2(Race of Male) x 2(Status of Male) x 2(Attractiveness of Female) design. Results obtained showed somewhat greater support for the marketplace concept that for the status incongruity concept. While evaluations of the interracial couple were negative overall, Race x Attractiveness interactions obtained allow one to infer that the couple was evaluated based on the perceived equity of the exchange of these variables. The Black male-unattractive White female couple received the best evaluation. By inference, this couple was perceived as an equitable exchange of assets.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:54 am
Social exchange is an older theory that was first used to explain interactions between individuals (Blau, 1967). According to this theory, romantic relationships, just as any other interactions, are based on a give-and-take system of valuable commodities (Blau, 1967). In the case of romantic relationships, the commodities being exchanged were the male’s financial security and the female’s desirable person commodity (i.e., attractiveness) (Heaton & Albrecht, 1996). Therefore, the exchange was originally based on gender differences; however, this theory was modified somewhat for interracial couples. In the case of interracial couples, the minority race was construed as a negative commodity that must be balanced with the White partner’s social status. In exchange for the White partner’s social status, the minority partner provides financial stability or another valuable person commodity.
in a study examining attractiveness of Black/White interracial couples, Murstein, Merighi and Malloy (1989) found that Black males were rated as significantly more attractive than their White female counterparts.
Perceptions of Same-Race and Interracial Dating Couples on Sexuality and Relationship Variables by Gabriela Carrasco
May 1st, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Now I’ve seen it all… http://www.lovingday.org/map.htm 1950-1966?!?
Are you friggin’ kidding me?!? Now I’d need to do some research on how this worked in the “Old Country” but I can’t fathom a SANE society actually putting laws on the books to make it ILLEGAL.
I shudder to think what Freedom(sm) it aims to export to the rest of the world…
May 1st, 2008 at 10:34 pm
@ ErrorBoy: Ooooh, please remind me to bring this up the next time I see you. In the meantime, check out these two FBC posts: (1) Making Love in the Green Grass about the words to “Brown Eyed Girl” — originally titled: “Brown-skinned Girl” — and Mildred Jeter & Richard Loving, that 1967 couple that fought to change the ban on interracial relationships and (2) What a Wonderful World.
@ notapatientgirl: Thanks for articles! :) Now that you’ve mentioned the “Marketplace Economy” piece, it **vaguely** rings a bell from my undergrad years. About social exchange theory, in general, and pieces that espouse it … I’m not a fan. It’s regurgitated “rational choice.” That’s a looooong conversation, not just a blog comment. My starting points are: human beings are extremely irrational — especially when making choices about interpersonal relationships — and rational choice theory is a tautology. So, we’ll probably have to agree to disagree. :)
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:51 am
Hey, you’ve done an incredible disservice to insomnia cookies. You butchered their hyperlink (someone - I’m guessing you - tossed in an extra HTTP). Now everyone that clicks on it will think the company’s run by a bunch of ham-fisted troglodytes with a defunct website and thus very likely equally incompetently produced cookies.
Kidding. Nice post.
-Me
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:02 am
Thanks for the heads up about the broken link! I’m sure other folks were smart little cookies (like you) who figured out how to remove the extra http. But, I fixed it anyway. I’m all about shooting any extra eyeballs their way that I can. Insomnia Cookies rocks!
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:28 pm
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May 2nd, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Desiree: THANKS for the link love!!! :)
May 3rd, 2008 at 11:21 am
I feel famous now that I’ve been mentioned in your blog. I have, of course, forwarded this link to everyone I know, including my mother. ;-)
May 3rd, 2008 at 11:33 am
You forwarded this to your MOM? Be sure she reads the line that starts, “I’ve kissed, licked, sucked and bedded …” ;) Sheesh!
May 4th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
No shame in what you said. I’m Indian-American and while I find all kinds of men attractive, I have a strong preference for white.
May 5th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Zen: Everyone’s got their reasons for dating who they do I guess. By the way, just checked out your blog again. I loooooove your header!!! :)
May 27th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I swear, I recently just started blogging about the whole white guy/ black girl issue and it kills me time and time again that there are sooooo many of these relationships out there. I’m in a white guy/ peanut butter girl (that’s me) (I’m Hispanic)right now. Getting married actually. When I was 1st interested in the “white boy” trust me when I tell you I would get the death stare like how dare I even consider looking at them with flirtacious thoughts on my mind?! Lo and behold I did get involved with a very few (um i can count on 1 hand how many white guys I’ve been with). Maybe I had it all wrong this whole time? Maybe I wasn’t “dark” enough for them so they felt they were getting jipped out of the whole black/white thing??? Who knows,, or maybe it was obvious I was Hispanic,, but my curly hair threw them off????? It dosen’t really matter. Moral is I love my white milk honey , I adore my oh soooo tanned skin, and the combo we make.. it’s cool knowing (although I almost never see them) black women who are with/dating or married to white men!!!
May 28th, 2008 at 7:02 am
I think you should start calling him that: “I love you, my white milk honey.” :)
May 28th, 2008 at 7:49 am
I think I will! I’m sure he’d get a kick out of it, Bless his heart I truly think he is color blind. He only sees me as a woman he loves and is going to marry. I bring up our skin color and my Hispanic culture and background more than he does. I’m in love with how open his mind is. To all Interracial couples out there who are making true lasting relationships, commitments, marriages and familes more power to you for your love and your open hearts and minds!
June 27th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I’m pretty egalitarian. Hot is hot, cute is cute, and nice eyes are nice eyes, regardless of size, shape and pigmentation. (well, except for the eyes part. I do love, big, round eyes.)
I had a Jewish professor for an African-American history class. Super-cool dude, was actually on a Chapelle show segment one time. Anyway, he used to get dirty looks in his neighborhood from all the yenta biddies when he’d take his (predominantly black) girlfriends out to dinner. I think he ended marrying a white woman, but I know his daughter married a black man. And what’s the point of it all? Only this: So what?
The best response to questions like “Are you racist in your dating?” is a brief “Who cares?” You can only do so much to affect what gets you hot, and I don’t think it’s wrong to get turned on by one characteristic or another, provided you know it’s meaningless. Some people only date zaftig women, some only date blondes. Most girls I know who hover around 5′ tall refuse to date guys shorter than 6′. If somebody must have an exclusive preference, better they go for variety than homogeneity. I mean, what would raise your hackles a little more: Robert DeNiro only dating black women, or Robert DeNiro saying “I only date white women.”
But even then: so what? It’s nobody’s business but the couple’s, and if they’re in love, who’s gonna stand against that?
End rant.
June 27th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
@ Sabrina: Hmmmm, “Color blind.” Now, that’s a full blogpost in its own right.
@ Brenz: You rock!! :)
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Color blind in a sarcastic way; or joking way. Whenever “race” or skin tones or any of said conversation comes up he looks at me with this complete blank stare. I just don’t think he really cares much at all what others may think or say about our relationship or just the whole inter racial thing in general. Well whatever it is it’s obviously working for us!!!
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:15 am
I’m glad you guys are happy! :) Everyone deserves a partner that makes them happy.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:56 am
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January 6th, 2009 at 10:05 am
[...] The Brown Chick Who Sometimes Dates White Dudes I like my milk like I like my men. White with no fat. [...]
January 29th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Even though I don’t participate in the dating game, I do find white men (foreign and domestic) to be extremely attractive and I’m a toffee brown female myself. I like a lot of cream in my coffee. LOL. Like they say milk DOES a body good.
February 16th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
I find men of all sorts attractive. I, too, have dated the United Nations. I look back fondly at all the diversity of my exes because I had such a wide range of experiences with them–different foods, languages, places we would go, etc.
March 6th, 2009 at 8:11 am
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May 1st, 2009 at 3:22 pm
I say to all the beautiful Black Women “try it you may like it.” White guys are sweet, kind and fun. They look good next to your beautiful skin and if you like attention you will get plenty when you eat out in an all or mostly white resturant. I told my brown girlfriend that now that spring was here I could tan-up and look more like her. She said “I love the color of your skin, don’t change a thing.” We look so fine together it people can’t help but watch.
Ms. Brown you need to do a story on why Blackman shoot eye-bullets at me and my beautiful black girlfriend when we are out together. Why is there a double standard…I don’t do this when a white women and a black guy are together.
May 2nd, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Race shouldn’t matter, but I have to say that contrasting skin tones does look nicer in bed when you’re looking down at your legs tangled together.