What Turns You On?
May 8th, 2008 ·
Pick up a copy of Time Out New York. There’s a bunch of naked people everywhere because it’s their “Horny Issue.” I’m in the issue. Fret not; I’m not nude. I’m not necessarily saying I WOULDN’T have taken my clothes off for them. I’m just saying, you know, they didn’t ask me to do that. ;) But, they did ask me to turn them on in ten words or less *OR* with a haiku. I went the haiku route. I hadn’t written I one since I was forced write a 5-7-5 bit for a elementary school lesson back when I first learned what they were. Behold!!! Tell THAT to anyone who says poor, rural Mississippi elementary schools don’t teach important life skills. Learn how to write a haiku at age 9. Use that lesson to turn New Yorkers on when you’re a 30-something cougar with firm brown abs.
Anyway, so, for my first crack at it, I thought of saying something like this:
I’m thinking of you
Dark nipples standing erect
Wishing you’d come home
Pathetic, right? I told a few guys about it. Match politely told me that it just didn’t do anything for him. And BrianVan told me that it was [I'm quoting him here]: “mildly unsexy.” Nobody likes to be told that they aren’t sexy. And, that’s exactly how I took it; I thought it was ME not MY HAIKU that wasn’t sexy. Anyway, so, I tucked my insecurities away, manned up (ovaried up?) and took a crack at it again. I thanked the boys for their honesty because, truth be told, I’d given the haiku a halfass effort. “Stop acting like a jackass,” I told myself, “If you really wanna try to turn someone on, go with it full force. Don’t hold back.” So, I did. I wrote something up. Sent it to Time Out New York. And, the rest is history. Well, technically, it’s not history because it’s in the current issue. But whatever. Let’s just say “the rest is in print.” Read my haiku now. (Second one down.)
Many, many, many, many other lovely folks are in the issue as well. Speaking of folks who write sexy stuff … check out this picture of Jamye Waxman, Boinkology’s Lux Alptraum and me. Shout out to my friend Rachel for her cute little photography skills.
So, now it’s your turn to speak up. Don’t worry. I don’t expect any of you to write erotic haikus in the comment section. (But, by all means, please do if you have one burning inside of you!!!) Question of the day: What turns you on? What could a man (or woman) say to you to get you all hot and bothered?
Hi, I'm 
Well, the second one is hotter, but I also liked the first. A lover would turn me on by the very act of writing a haiku just for me.
Congratulations! I was a little bummed that they cut mine (AND my fetish sidebar) but was happy to see so many great writers in there. This was a really tough assignment.
What turns me on…too complicated (or just private) for a blog comment. :)
your scent fills the air
strong hands pull you onto me
ride the stinger, kid
I liked them both. I’m impressed that you can write a haiku. Although I know what they are, I’ve never written one. I don’t hink I could if I tried.
I’ve stated in a previous entry that I love deep voices. So a man with a nice deep voice could say damn near anything and get me hot an bothered. Especially if he said it in my ear so I could feel his breath on my neck. Ears and neck touching feeling licking kissing tonguing. That’s game over for me, really.
*sigh* I’m gonna go cool off in the corner now.
gee whiz….. a fella takes a little time off for ” good behavior ” and just look what
he runs into…. try this one….
as the sun rises in the east
she, too, goes to join
the union, that never ends
long after the movements
cease…..
lamesabassman……. have Porsche….. will travel…..
P.S. Napa Valley was a stone gas….. try it …. just once…
and … to answer the Question……
eyes that smile
that wish you linger
a…. while
as I get adjusted
to the shadow
you have casted
upon my heart…
lamesabassman…… rise up….. you crazy diamond… shine…
@ Christopher: Glad to hear you liked the first one too! One guy wrote (and sang) a song for me after I broke up with him, but I’ve never had anyone write a haiku for me.
@ Rachel Kramer Bussel: Okay, see, you can’t write a comment like, “Oooooh, I’d tell you but it’s too complicated and private …” That only make me even MORE curious. I’ll get this info out of you some way or another, my sweetie! ;)
@ grampa: Wow, good job!!! I like it!
@ Grace: Thanks for the compliment. And, yes, the breath on the neck stuff is hot. Slight lip nibble on the ear or neck? Yum.
@ lamesabassman: Good one! And, glad to hear you had a good time in Napa.
my tongue dances wet
clit pulses between my lips
orgasm number six
Anything containing the word “nipples” is good. Nipples are inherently sexy - that’s why you can’t show one on TV. Unless you’re Janet Jackson, and even then you get in trouble.
Thanks. I love me some haiku. There have been periods of my life when I actually thought in 5-7-5.
I’m rubbish at poetry, haiku included. I can do a mean limmerick though, but somehow I’m guessing that’s not what you’re after!
I find neck-kisses pretty erotic. Throw in some five o’clock shadow type stubble and it’s even better!
I can’t wait to get off work to see my baby
cock bangs against desk
erect; fully engorged
it’s not even noon
@ dkzone: Oh, yours rhymes! :)
@ Baba Doodlius: Okay, totally odd, random fact about me … The word “nipple” kind of freaks me out. It sounds a little goofy, no? It’s like the word and “fork.” Am I crazy or do other people have words that sound kind of goofy to them?
@ grampa: Haikus are fun!
@ Darwin: There once was a man from Nantucket …
@ grampa: Aww, I thought the “I can’t wait to get off work to see my baby” line was all cute, warm and fuzzy. Then, the next line starts with cock! :)
So much to savour
Neck, wrist, breast, fingertips, tongue
Let me taste your soul.
once… there was an old man
walking down a street
where , all at once
he saw a young boy
sitting on the curb…. crying
and the old man asked
the young boy why the tears,
why he was crying….
and the young boy replied….
” ’cause I can’t do what the big boys do….”
and the old man cried too…..
lamesabassman…….. life is so sweet,when we weaken to it…..
@Christopher and @Lamesabassman Nice work boys!! :)
I’m a little late, but figured I’d comment anyway. Let’s see of I can kill two birds with one stone:
Dark, hard nipples cast
Come hither glance with cute smile
That’s what inspires me
girl with glasses and
cute smile. smooth skin. pretty eyes.
That’s what turns me on
(a little rusty, also)
(bonus)
Funkybrownchick nude
in issue would have been great
just being honest
And I liked both Haikus, by the way.
wow….. and the band played on……da’ Roddykat is on point ….. now….
just how deep are we…… you could a shadowcast….. play with the lighting…bend
it … shape it…. and….. if done hellacool…… you would be showing close to
nothing at all,with just enough to wonder….. just a thought…..
lamesabassman….. please..baby..please…baby..baby…please…..
@ Roddykat: OMG, that is totally NOT rusty! The one about girls in glasses was too cute!!! :) Thanks for the flattery about me “nude.” Tell Time Out New York. Maybe they’ll get me next year. ;) Glad you liked both haikus.
@ lamesabassman: :)
Hey, the first haiku does it for me. Just enough to get one thinking…
Dark nipples are hot
Or chilly, standing erect?
Can’t wait to find out.
The second one is more amusing in a shocking way than actually hot. But then, I’m a fan of indirection. The second haiku would work best for me as part of a progression :-).
yo,dude , at any time if the high beams are on….. I ain’t waiting to find out Jack..
am gonna be looking….. sharp
at times…. it pays to be on point….
lamesabassman……… progression is always in the eye of the beholder…..
@ Paco: Seeee, that’s exactly what makes the world so interesting! Some people like the first one but not the second none. Some don’t like the second one but love the first. And, some people like them equally.
@ lamesabassman: “Progression is always in the eye of the beholder.” Very true in all senses of the word “progress”
whoa….. just how deep is your funk…… starchild…….. words are the tapestry to
the beat we stroll to…. and like light itself ….. we can bend it like Beck…. we paint
and pose … and ponder….. just how deep is yonder when … at times … da’ middle is all we got….. from the womb … to the tomb….. ya gotta run wid it…..
as it flows like water, it must sting like a bee ….. ’cause it gotta go deep to reach
me……. and as everyone knows….. FBC gives good flow
lamesabassman……. don’t stop ’til ya get enough.. then kick…’n’ roll.. kick ‘n’ roll
Yes, indeed, my funk is deep! :)