A Word on Sacrificing Rabbits and Shit in Graveyards
May 13th, 2008 ·
I’ve only met one Satan worshiper in my life. I was a 21-year-old college student in Los Angeles living away from my family for the first time. The LA lights. The Hollywood celebrities. The now-legal booze. It all charmed me. I’d only seen California in movies and on TV, so I totally overindulged. I went out boozing & partying all the time. Probably too much. My friends and I took rows of Vodka shots before we stilettoed into swank VIP rooms of bars on the strip. One of my Comrades in Cocktails was a fellow party girl named Chelsea from Santa Monica. She lived in the dorms, too. One night, we were all laughing and joking about the weirdest / oddest / strangest things we’d ever done. I was a brown-skinned, Christian country bumpkin from Illinois via Mississippi. Keeping family drama private, my biggest secrets were pretty boring. I’d cheated on a high school Algebra/Trigonometry test by tacking the formulas to the back of my calculator. I’d lied to friends and family about petty stuff. I’d gotten into a fight with a boy when I was in sixth grade. A bunch of other women in the group said equally benign stuff, too. But, then it was Chelsea’s turn. The conversation went something like this:
CHELSEA: Well, I told you I used to be a Devil Worshipper, no?
ME: Um … [pausing for a moment] … No. I think I would have remembered that. How does that work? I mean, like, what do people do to worship the Devil?
I wasn’t looking for a new hobby. I was just honestly curious. Then she said it.
CHELSEA: I used to sacrifice rabbits and shit in the graveyard.
That was ages ago. Still, to this day, when my longtime friend April and I wanna insert a stupid “inside joke” into a conversation, sometimes we’ll throw in the “rabbits ‘n shit” line. What did you do last night? “Well, you know, I sacrificed rabbits and shit in the graveyards over on the west side; I was in Hell’s Kitchen, so, you know, it seemed appropriate.” Are you gonna see Sex and the City? “No, I’d rather sacrifice rabbits and shit by twilight in Times Square.” Always tons of laughs for us, but everyone else just looks at us like we’re really crazy. Maybe we are. Anyway … So, any of you have an “inside joke” with a friend that TOTALLY makes you laugh but everyone else thinks it’s stupid? Anyone? Anyone? By the way, for those of you who may be wondering: Why they hell are you writing about devil worshiping today? Well, I recently stumbled across The Encyclopedia of Dead Rock Stars: Heroin, Handguns, and Ham Sandwiches and read the stories about Dead and Euronymous and the Norwegian black metal band Mayhem. Kooky stuff.
[Quietly backs away from computer and files post under: Random Like Ralph Macchio. See FAQ for details.]
Hi, I'm 
jeez- there are so many, but our favorite is to refer to wackness as “heretofore”
Backstory: I was trying out some online dating last year and this lawyer actually used the words “heretofore” and “vernacular” in an email (or was it an IM??) and I was like, “HUH??! People realy use those words outside of the corporate headquarters and courtrooms?” Yeah, he was WACK!
So now, whenever something is just indescribably terrible or annoying, it is considered “HERETOFORE”:
“GIRRRLLLL- I was in that meeting for nearly THREE HOURS! This job sh*t is heretofore…”
See how that works? lol
“It’s just like Vietnam all over again” = wanting something or someone that you can’t have. Backstory: warning, terribly unPC! Some black girlfriends and I were in a bar. “Temika” saw a black man that she wanted to meet. Just before she could make her move, an Asian woman won his attention first. That’s when the quote was first said, to our shock and comical horror. The remark refers to a period in the 70s when some black women waiting for their men to come home from Vietnam found out that they “lost” them to an Asian counterpart.
I told you it was horrible.
Devil worship and killing rabbits? Yikes. Can we go back to talking about funny lebsians?
Pickle Hats…
When someone asks a question & you say, “I don’t know,” but you really have an idea. The idea just seems way too wacky to be the real answer.
Dad, while driving: See that plant there? That’s the Schwarz Brothers Pickle company. They’re my customer. You’ll never guess what they wear in there.
Rest of the family: Uh…uniforms?
Dad: Hardhats that look like pickles!
Mom: I was going to guess pickle hats.
Dad: You were not!
Forevermore…Pickle hats.
gee,babe….. you walk down some deep streets…. screenplay….. don’t sleep this..
now…. some of this I can take…. having been around the block a few times…
you would be very amazed at how things are …and not what they seem…. like
the Owls….. but … what really tightens my naps is what you have been thru and
did’nt cop to it….. haven’t told us Jack…. now …that should be da’ berries…..
run that clock….. Now….. Can we go back to talking about funny lesbians…..
and Baba…. you’re so correct…..
lamesabassman…….. just FedEx’d some popcorn….
It’s funny how your bio suggests you write for Nerve, when at best you rarely do (been a month?). Oh, and the way you present it it’s as if you’re popular on Nerve, which your low score there from readers clearly shows your not, let alone the general lack of comments there other than those registering boredom.
boring.
@ The Jaded NYer: That’s hilarious!!! And, yeah, it’s funny that the guy was a lawyer because I SWEAR you can tell where a guy works based on how he talks. I’ve know a couple guys who’ve referred to people as “civilians.” Military, definitely.
@ Peggy b.: You know you’re HORRIBLE, right?? Wait. You already said that. :)
@ Baba Doodlius: Sorry. :| Back to lesbians tomorrow! Well, I can’t promise lesbians, but I promise no devil worshipers.
@ Pegs: Your family is too cute. :) I *still* remember when you, Mags and I cooked shrimp out in the woods at your parents place and you TOTALLY got us lost in the wilderness when we went driving around. ;)
@ lamesabassman: :)
@ boredreader: Correction: my bio doesn’t suggest I write for Nerve, it flat out says that I do. :) Wait. Let me check … Yep, it says: “Her online dating column at Nerve magazine — a National Magazine Awards finalist for General Excellence Online — launched two days after Valentine’s Day 2007.” True. And, not that you asked, but the reason I haven’t updated in almost exactly a month is because I just wrapped up shooting a 30-day video project at the request of the lovely folks at Current TV. By the way, you have heretofore been put on notice. :) The Golden Rule at the FBC? Be kind to the person who writes the blog and be kind to your fellow commenters.
dear borereader….. sounds like you have tons of time on your hands. got just the
gig for you …… enlist and serve your country…. a lot of us have done much
to preserve your way of life … as you seem to know nothing of. for you to waste
your time and ours by being soooo negative…. but if that is such a bother then
the next gig that I know you would love.. cleaner of zoo animals living quarters
’cause …. the way you shovel it….. you’re a natural…
lamesabassman….. look both ways before you cross your teeth like that…..
IMNSHO worshiping any figment of your imagination is just plain weird…
I like this quote: “The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weakness, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish.”
Guess whose quote it is? Guess again. Then open http://www.boingboing.net/2008/05/13/ and scroll down…
@lamesabassman: Thanks! :)
@ErrorBoy: Wow! I would’ve never guessed that. And, no, I didn’t know Einstein was such a hater on the Jewish faith. Not sure why this surprises me. Hmmm …
Einstein a jew hating jew, never
I knew he was Jewish, but I didn’t know he hated Jews.