A sexy, married man named Jonno made me share sex with him until 3:00 am this morning. No, please, I begged him. I must sleep! I should explain that we were 1,173 miles (1888 kilometers) apart when the eyeball nooky took place. It was just TV coitus. We watched VH1′s Sex: The Revolution at the same time. I sat on my couch wearing red & white, striped 100% cotton panties and a mauve T-shirt. I think Jonno was in New Orleans. I don’t believe he was naked at the time, but I can’t be sure. I never asked. In any case, the series was good and I really wanna I’ll catch the “Save It for Marriage” episode when it airs. Speaking of marriage …
When I was 22, ivory wedding invitations printed on linen paper poured into my Midwestern mailbox on a regular basis. It’s like, one year, my friends and I were in college fucking around, drinking draft beer from plastic cups and dancing to retro 80s tunes at Bad Music Night. The next year, women who never would’ve dreamed of asking me to pay $8.99 for their Steak ‘n Shake dinner expected me to shell out $300 for Delftware serving bowls from their bridal registry. This marriage shit is a sham. Sometimes, I’m convinced people are only in it for the gifts. :)
“Everyone’s getting married,” I told my older sister back then. “Well,” she said, “that’s life.” She went on to explain that life happened in stages. All my friends were getting married because I’d reached the age when people do that sort of thing, she told me. Eventually, a lot of people would start having babies. Then, they’d have second children. A few couples would divorce. Some would remarry. Everyone would get older and, then, someone’s grandparent would die. Parents would die, too. Although it’s scary, eventually, people my own age would die. Mortality would begin to feel very personal. “That’s life,” she said again.
I’m quite happy with the status of my empty womb and naked left ring finger. But, damn it if this “life cycle” stuff doesn’t cross my brain every so often. Don’t get me wrong. I still don’t wanna have kids, and I don’t have the tick-tock of a biological clock. Pro-domestic partners / cohabiting, I don’t really see the purpose of marriage. At the same time, when everyone else takes their vows, it makes me feel like I’m back in my Illinois high school’s P.E. classes again. Instead of picking baseball or kickball buddies, people are linking up with husbands and wives. But, it’s not really about making the cut for the kickball squad or the Married People Crew. I just don’t like feeling like no one’s “picked” me yet. Why does it feel like rejection when I don’t even wanna be on the team?
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Random link of interest: This week, New York magazine answers the question “What makes married men want to have affairs?” in their article The Affairs of Men: The Trouble with Sex and Marriage.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I just had to send a huge DIT-TO, girl! My last fun, single, child-free friend had her first baby last month, so I’ve been in a slight period of mourning. Not that I want the trappings of a ‘normal’ life, but I would like someone to want that with me, even if I just giggle, flirt, and say no. It’s tough being a chick sometimes. :)
Let me assure you that it’s entirely possible to be married and childfree. Society lumps marriage and children together, unfortunately. There is a huge difference between the two, borne out by research: marriage increases happiness, whilst having children decreases it. (It doesn’t have to be marriage per se of course; a long term partnership is just as good.) If you want to be the happiest amongst your peers, get married and don’t have children :)
1) Mrs. Doodlius and I specified “no gifts” on our invitations. It’s much less hassle that way, and besides, our house was already so full the seams were cracking.
2) We have no itty-bitties, by choice. There are plenty of people in the world already.
3) Do you have a long-term (at least several months) boyfriend? Don’t expect a short-termer to get down on one knee – marriage isn’t something to rush headlong into. Unless you are Brittney Spears. (I *hope* you’re not Brittmey Spears, or even remotely similar to her.)
By the by, I just had to mention the latest advertizer on your blog – “Sugardaddie.com – Experience dating for the rich and gorgeous”. Wow. Just, wow.
@ Erin: I sooo know what you mean about mourning! It kind of friends like I lose part of the friendship when my friends get married. And, you’re right, sometimes it IS tough being a chick. ;)
@ Jenny: Good point! The two are generally linked together. Married couples are often asked, “When are you going to have children?” and stuff like that, but people are less likely to ask it if you’re not married to your partner. And, you know what odd? Supposedly, when you segregate by gender, marriage men are happier than single men but single women are happier than married woman. But, the thing that makes those reports difficult is that they’re driven by self report and “happiness” is really difficult to quantify.
@ Baba Doodlius: Yeah, Google manages administers the advertising on my site. I’ve got check with filtering the SD one out. (It’s automatic. I don’t select the advertisers.) By the way, you and Ms. Doodlius sound like really amazing people. Seriously. And, trust me, I’m not at all like Britney Spears.
i feel the same. i wish i’d find a guy who i can call boyfriend! don’t even think about marriage. it seems everybody around me is getting “paired”. all but me. feels awful.
I am unattached (although it would be nice to have a significant other). I turned 26 today. A couple of weeks ago as I was pondering my soon to be birthday I realized – that if I don’t find someone like SOON I will not have enough time to do the whole courtship-engagement-marriage thing in time for me to start having babies before I get into the ‘high risk pregnancy’ category.
This is a realization that I thought would absolutely TERRIFY me. But all I could think was ‘Meh, whatever’. Apparently I am not as interested in getting married and having children as I thought. I told this to my recently married older sister who is pulling out all the stops trying to get pregnant. She was (clearly) horrified.
It’s kind of odd when it seems as though everyone is pairing off and settling down. Every time I turn around someone on my facebook is pregnant, engaged, married, or buying a house. As if I’m stuck at the end of the ‘College’ path in The Game of Life and can’t move forward.
I’m reasonably content with my life and by no means a ‘joiner’ just for the sake of doing what everyone else is doing. However I still feel left out/behind. Sometimes I even feel like I’m missing something.
But then I snap out of it and am grateful that I’m still free of all the lovely responsibilities that come from being attached, having a house, or raising a child.
Oh geez I’m all blogging in your comments again. I really must stop this.
whoa…. get a grip,people….. this is all a state of mind…. life and time are measured in moments…. and in between those moments is where you live…. it is
you, who decides what you do and whom you do it with…. if you are ready,willing
and able to spend your whole life with another person … who may be the complete opposite of yourself….. do so….. if you just want to rent by the hour,do
so….. if you just want a zipless f*ck, then bone ’til you moan…. BUT DONT IT
BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DOING SO….. there …I said it…. you have-must do what is right for you….. if you are lucky to find someone who floats your boat , then welcome aboard…. and if you just want to spend some time together… then, get
tested and go for it….. you do what is the very best for you….. you may snore
and they may fart….. or steal… or cheat…. or lie and use drugs when they
said they dont….. may hit on your sister,brother,mother or your father…
or be left of center and kill everybody…. or be perfectly normal and love you
forever….. chances are that you get better odds in Vegas,than you would get
rolling the dice in life…… at times,it’s all grey and at best Techicolor …. that’s
it ….. to love or not to care…. that’s not a question…. it’s food for thought….
it depends on what you want,need, desire or own….. it’s best to be true… to
thine own self….. pain is something that we can do to our own selves…. when you bring someone to help…. that’s madness….. and I truly believe that no one
is that 5150…… or ,,, with the divorce rate and the turn around the way it is
maybe we are the inmates ….. with issues…. for days……
lamesabassman….. stop the world ’cause I missed the point….
see what happens when I don’t get my cookies and milk on time…..
lamesabassman…… and …yeah,I do dunk ‘em…..
I’ve been feeling a lot of those same feelings lately. It comes in waves, I guess. It’s weird that I feel left behind somehow, when I’m not even sure I want to be where so many of my friends are.
you are … where you are….. ya got some O.G. angels walkin’ point for you…
sooooo…. enjoy the view, ’til something reaches out to you.. for.. how can anyone
feel left behind … while viewing the highs and lows of friends and lovers … and still be the only one standing on the grid…. chillin’ ‘n’ learnin’, where the rice
trails lead to…. just follow the path….. you are… where you are…..
lamesabassman…….. have chocolate chip cookies…… will travel…..
You are not left behind..i believe this marriage thing isn’t for everyone..Live your life and have fun while doing it!!!
At least you know what you want. People seem to think that marriage will solve their problems (emotionally, financially, etc). Doesn’t always work that way. And you have to work at that. It is for those who wants it. Societal pressure is something else. As long as you are happy, nothing else matters. What you want will happen for you. just don’t want it TOO much. :)
That said, the missus and I are just doing our thing. If children come, then it was meant to be. If not, then it wasn’t. Stressing things such as this don’t make happiness just more stress.
BTW, FBC, I got a homeboy you might want to check out. :)
Considering that 50% of these damn marriages end in divorce, I wouldn’t let it get you down too much ;)
and….. why does this happen…..
lamesabassman……… let’s go deep…..
@ Carolina Pereira: Yeah, it’s weird when everyone around you starts getting married.
@ Grace: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! :) Fret not about the high-risk pregnancy stuff. If you’re only 26, you have YEARS and YEARS and YEARS before you have to worry about that stuff! And, of course, I can totally relate to your comment.
@ lamesabassman: Yeah, it’s not so much “I wanna do it because everyone else it doing it.” I don’t even wanna do it. So, it’s just weird that I feel “left out” sometimes.
@ Stefanie: You said, “It’s weird that I feel left behind somehow, when I’m not even sure I want to be where so many of my friends are.” DITTO!
@ mrsbigg: Oooooh, I like that. “Live your life and have fun while doing it!!!”
@ Roddykat: Wow, y’all are GREAT with the comments today! “What you want will happen for you. just don’t want it TOO much … Stressing things such as this don’t make happiness just more stress.” Love it! And, who’s this homeboy??? Does he live in NYC? ;)
@ Mr Angry: VERY good point! By the way, for the rest of you, Mr. Angry is hilarious!! Check out his blog at http://angryaussie.wordpress.com/.
@FBC: He doesn’t live in the NYC, but rather VA/MD. He’s a rather…eclectic fellow, by his own admission and blog. :)
Oooh, ooh, ooh! What’s his blog?
It’s http://eclectik-relaxation.com/ He tends to be random at times, be warned. Not sure how he’d feel about me pimping him out but, oh well. :)
pimp….. or not to pimp….. that is not a question…. but a movement….
and he would smile at gesture …..
or maybe you would enjoy living in Cali…..
lamesabassman……. share the wealth…..
Hey girl, I am a fellow sex blogger and I just saw the Vid you did in Austin with Zoe! You rock!
Once upon a time, I thought that I didn’t want to get married, either. But I realized that I CAN have my cake (Husband) and eat it too (extra-curricular buddies). Makes the pill a bit harder to swallow. And being child-free is something women either want or don’t want. And it’s okay to NOT want them :)
xoxo~Sadie
@ Roddykat: Just checked out his site, and I love it. Thanks for the link!! :)
@ lamesabassman: I used to live in California, and I thought it was great. I grew up in rural Mississippi and Illinois. So, I’d never seen the ocean or mountains until I went to LA. People talk about the city and say it’s fake. But, I think you can find shallow & fake people ANYWHERE. Hell, New York City’s certainly not immune to that stuff. California’s a beautiful state.
@ sexie sadie: LOVE the sex bloggers!! And, of course, I LOVE Zoe. She’s amazing, and she’s got some of the most beautiful cleavage I’ve ever seen. For any of you who missed it, here’s the video: http://www.viddler.com/explore/funkybrownchick/videos/1/
PS: Sadie, if you haven’t already read it, you might be interested in Tristan Taormino’s book, “Opening Up.” It’s available on Amazon, and it’s a good read for anyone who wants to know more about open relationships:
Cali is my second home….. but NYC is still my heart….. been roaming for so long
that I feel am a citizen of the world…… so after been a while on the road…..
to return to NYC before headed back to Cali just re-charges me…. there is a vibe
that NYC has that very few cities have and yes, THOSE kind of people are everywhere… am hoping that with your NEW GIG, those will be kept to a few and not many….. Chi-town rocks… it’s a forever town…. good vibes and killer food….
Cali is beautiful….. but since you’re glow is gone from here … it’s probably not the same…. come and spread some of your glow again….. we miss you,FBC…
we will leave a lamp in the window for you,love…..
lamesabassman……….. I left my heart in New York City…….