I meet a lot of men. For example, let’s talk about my guy friend Sexy Schultzy. He’s hot as hell. I met him a few years ago when another guy, Gordon from Changing Rooms, introduced us over drinks at Perdition. I instantly clicked with Schultzy because he is, indeed, a great guy. Perfectly white teeth. Beautiful brown eyes. Smooth skin. Amazing personality. A fellow native Chicagoan, he’s got that down home, Midwesterner sensibility that I miss so much. He’s like the total package. So, of course, he’s already taken. They always are.
Anyway, so, when Schultzy was single, he did everything right — i.e. he got more dates on a regular basis. Technically, he’s still “single” because he’s not married, but he’s sticking (literally) with one person now. We both got tired and frustrated with mini-term dates and disappearing men. The difference? He found someone. So, he left the dating world, and now he’s devoted to his lover. I haven’t found anyone. I’m still living in crazyland.
Table for two. Last Thursday, lunch at Django. “You realize this is the first time we’ve seen each other during the daytime?” Schultzy says as he flashes a grin. I smile back because he’s right. We usually meet up & catch up over evening drinks or bump into each other at random parties. I used to think I was in lust/love with him. But, I now know I don’t want to fuck with him, I want to be him. So, I tell him, “I want your life” as I shovel food in my mouth. “How are our lives any different?” he asks as he balances food on his fork. “You’re doing well in your career. You’re going after what you want. You’re happy, too. Seriously, besides my relationship, how am I any different from you?” he asks. I tell him that relationships are like multipliers. It’s the thing you add to your life that affects everything else. Finances are better when two people split the bills. Vacations are sweeter when sharing the hotel bed with a plaything. Stress is tempered when you can bitch about it to a caring ear. Sex is (often) better when it’s with a real penis, not a vibrator. Leaving the dildo behind, Schultz gets it.
I understand men. He understands them better. He pauses and sips his drink before saying it: “Do you think guys are intimidated by you?” Schultzy tells me he could see how my larger-than-life personality possibly attracts men then scares them off. “But, don’t change,” he says. “You’re perfect as you are. I think it’s just a matter of finding the right guy who’s strong and secure enough to handle you.” I know what he’s talking about, and I’ve heard this before. I’m extroverted, driven in my career and I write about sex & dating. Some guys aren’t down with any of that. But, gender politics and other bullshit aside, I still want a date. That might sound lame or needy, but I can’t help the way I feel.
Schultzy and I eventually end our lunch. Hours later, he sends me an email.
FROM: <xxx@xxx.com>
TO: Twanna <funkybrownchick@yahoo.com>
DATE: Thu, May 22, 2008 at 7:40 PM
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lunch at Django?Damn sexy lunch, thanks for gracing me with your presence…until we lunch again…
I take what I said earlier back. Maybe I do wanna fuck Schultzy. ;) What??? I’m kidding. Kidding!! On a more serious note, I am sooooooo ridiculously grateful and thankful for the friends I’ve made in New York. Now, let’s get off of my life for a moment and talk about dating in general. Schultzy and I automatically assume that some men are intimidated by outgoing women. Tell me: Do you agree? If so, which women intimidate men the most and/or which men are the most likely to be intimidated by women? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section below.
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Photo credit: Image of boxing gloves by Jean Scheijen. Maastricht, The Netherlands.
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
okay….. just a few thoughts before I go play…… if it feels good …. do it…. now you and your bud have a great history and to go to the next level could make or break whatever wonderfulness the both of you have right now…. yeah, the moves
could be off the chart … but, could you stand the aftermath …. the hot moving to cold,when you were both there for each other , now the alibis to explain why you can’t meet,see feel, touch or look eye to eye at each other…. when before ya’ll were hand in glove …. now your hand is edge-wise holding the door knob turning to busting a move,’cause ya’ll crossed that subtle line between slap ‘n’ tickle and a dark 30 booty call…. a full bore mambo with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide… just where do you go from there….
now…. breathe deep….. the game has always been the same… ladies love to be
loved and guys just love to be loved…. and there lies the un-balance of power
when women get tired and want to go to the next level, they want it full tilt….
guys,and be real, want a woman who can be so hot that she must be able to
suck a golf ball thru 40 feet of hose and be able to sit next to Mom at the Family dinner table and be like Lucy Lu….. smile and pass the peas…. and when
we can’t find that magic maiden , we settle ,take her around the block,then fade to black…. we are gone like a cool breeze and the ladies are left faded and
angry ….. and ladies…when you go full tilt…you seldom explain the ground rules to us….. yes, we love you…and we love hanging with the guys, tossing our clothes all over the place,beer in the fridge and very little else, red meat and sports… for days…. and … our Motor Toys….. so, ladies… this is the baggage we bring to the table… along with the mutual baggage we all carry anyway… hence the un-balance of power…. Damocles never had it sooo good..
now… if we all could and would find that hallowed middle ground of wonderfulness… well,we all could be standing on the verge of gettin’ it on forever…. now, we can just fade the fates and roll our point….
lamesabassman…….. to be or no to be… that should not be the question….
P.S.: FBC…. you bring soooo much to the table that we ,at times, feel that we can’t
measure up…. a few will opt out …. but,the real men( and we are out there,you just have to filter the cheese) can hang….. just ,when you find him… look him straight, no chaser, in the eye and be real, hold him tight,and say whatever is in
your heart…. and try not to blink…. ’cause when you do,we know that you’re lying
to get laid and you will get played…. don’t just be a notch on someone’s belt…for you,of all, deserve much better….. never settle for silver,when Gold’s the standard.
lamesabassman…… when your heart’s the prize,please,be wise……
Do I agree? Not 100%. I do feel that some women can have an intimidating factor or two over some men. I think the type of guy that would be intimidated by you is the type of man that wants to be in control at all times, does not know how to roll with the punches and/or is not comfortable around outgoing, sexy women.
Is it possible that men are intimidated by you? Yes, but take it as a compliment, be aggressive and the right guy will come a long.
I have thought about this issue alot. Some men are intimidated by outgoing women. I have been told by some men that I intimidate them because I am confident. I realise now that those men are not right for me. You cannot change who you are. Shy women must get sick of being told by men, you are too quiet. Win some, lose some. If you are lucky you will find the right guy but make sure you have fun in the meantime.
i don’t know what to tell you cause i feel i don’t understand men. how i wish i could read minds, right now!
I’ve thought about this issue a million times. I feel like some men are intimidated by women who seem to have their lives together. I’ve actually had men tell me that my confidence, the fact that I have an active social life, and my independent spirit were too much for them. They say that it felt like I didn’t “need” them and that my life was already complete. I’m not really sure what to make of it and maybe it’s just my personality, but I’m hoping there’s a guy out there that likes the fact that I have my own things going on and isn’t intimidated by it.
It’s not really who you are it’s what you represent..Power, Will, Sass, Humor along with Intelligence! Most people fear all those things. How many women run away from the perfect guy.. only to realize he is just what she always wanted and needed. A man looks at you and see’s a dominate figure and wants to obtain it! Then he realizes you can’t be controlled and he runs. So many are weak minded. So yes you will find someone to complement you. But wouldn’t u rather wait for the guy that can handle you as opposed to the guy who thinks he can, stays with you for a while then runs once feelings get in involved!? Single people want someone! People in relationships want out lol. The glass is always have empty! I would take you out and not run but alas I’m not a New Yorker! Your friend is right never change!
Love the site by the way!
Thanks for this post!!!
I deal with this all the time. I have my career together, my social life together, just about everything but a relationship … but men always seem to think there’s no room for them in my life. I know this because they tell me.
Now, I have to figure out how to turn it down for them…. I guess.
just make sure they’re real … before ya seal the deal……
lamesabassman….. forward ever,backwards never…..
P.S.: ….. seems that my posted question was answered rather strongly……. it’s like that out there…. dang….. are’nt you supposed to kinda live your life and don’t let
your life live you…. am finding out that if you find someone on your wave and
you gel….. it’s cool and if you are on both ends of the compass…. no go….. so the first date could be the last based on many different levels of the same line that’s tossed out to please …. or to ponder….. whatever happen to ” Truth or Dare ” …. well…..the entitled sat down to a meal …. and did’nt pay the check….
lamesabassman……. no one gets out of here…… sane.
To the title of the post, yes, probably. You wouldn’t want to mess with those who were afraid of you, anyway. Maybe if you were a dom, but… :)
Anywhoo, on to the questions. Yes, there are some people in general that are scared of strong, opinionated, focused, “together”, whatever type folks. To the subject at hand, those are the same ones that some can’t handle for whatever reason. Chances are, it’s because they want to be the bigger dog in the yard and can’t take someone who’s equal or greater than themselves. Should you lower yourself for that? Hellz no!
And going back to this whole “handling” business. Would you really want someone who can “just” handle you or someone who can MANhandle you being you? Nooooo, not in that way, but in the way of being (or exceeds in being) your equal in strength, personality, expectations, whatever.
But, all of this has been said, though, I’m just harmonizing with the choir. :)
Did you ever consider if Schultz is settling? Or maybe his new lady is settling? You never really know anyone’s circumstances so it’s not fair to compare. You being single could have nothing to do with you, but I understand the feeling… I feel that way pretty often.
@ lamesabassman: “Never settle for silver,when Gold’s the standard.” I like that.
@ Marcello NYC: Oooh, interesting comment about the control stuff. And, yeah, I’ll take it as a compliment. Speaking of which, THANKS for throwing me in the “outgoing, sexy women” bunch. :)
@ Jackie: You’re soooo right about the win some, lose some. Sometimes I think I’m no different from the guys I date. Yeah, I say I want a “good guy” but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit there’s a categories of guys that are too nice and/or push overs.
@ Carolina Pereira: Men are curious, delicious creatures. I love ‘em. :)
@ pillowtalkisextra: You said, “I’m hoping there’s a guy out there that likes the fact that I have my own things going on and isn’t intimidated by it.” I’m sure there is. Most of my friends who buddied up with their partners later in life tell me that it’s worth the wait.
@ Owen aka Ohdoctah: THANKS!! Glad you like the site. And, yeah, I’ll be the first to admit I ran away from a couple “perfect” guys in grad school because I wasn’t ready for what they had to offer. You asked, “wouldn’t u rather wait for the guy that can handle you as opposed to the guy who thinks he can, stays with you for a while then runs once feelings get in involved?” Yep. That’s why I’m single. :)
@ From a Single Gal: My therapist brought that up in one of our sessions. She flat out asked me: “If you had a relationships, where would you fit it in your life?” I scaled back on some of my writing stuff after that.
@ lamesabassman: You’re right. No one gets out of here sane. :)
@ Roddykat: Wait a minute … Who says I’m not a domme? Clearly you’ve not read my posts tagged “spanking.” ;) The prob is, I’m a domme who typically goes for dominant men. The sex is great. At the same time, we often knock heads & getting into the “you’re stubborn, no you’re stubborn, no you!” round robin. I’m working on it — ever a work in progress. By the way, I like your comment so much that I’m gonna do a full post about it.
@ Nicole: Oh, trust me, Schultzy is DEFINITELY not settling. :) That’s what makes his life so beautiful — he’s a gorgeous person inside and out and so is his partner.
Hmm, apparently I have a lot more to catch up with here than I thought. I will get to reading. :)
And the 2 dom thing is definitely a battleground. There could be a balance in the force, still. Compromising the key…and the problem. :)
Cool. I look forward to the post. Glad I could spark something.
Hey there: Boy can I ever relate to your situation, so it makes me incredibly sympathetic. It took me a very long time to learn this, but the whole, “Men are intimidated by women”, excuse is a giant crock of doo-doo. Men are motivated by gaining respect and prestige, so they WANT a woman who is gorgeous, 1000 per-cent confident, smart, funny, slightly elusive and most of all, accomplished. This means they’ll be able to inspire envy among their buddies, and it’s a huge turn-on for most men to have a successful mate. Of course men also want a woman who will stroke his ego every now and again, yet don’t we all want someone who celebrates our strengths and accomplishments?
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m a (less successful) white version of you. Sexy but not beautiful; attractive but not conventionally pretty; tends to dress a bit-too-sexy due to insecurities; never caught dead without spending lots of time on my appearance AND most important of all, I stridently tell men that I don’t want marriage while in actual fate I’m hoping desperately to find a loving, monogamous relationship. While I can only make conclusions about you based on your writing, it sounds like men find you very sexy and flirtatious, yet I suspect they find you lacking in genuine self-confidence. That’s apparently as much of a turn-off for men as it is for women.
Please understand that I’m saying this in an effort to be helpful, so please don’t see this as an attempt on my part to be cruel and/or condescending. I wish someone had said this to me many years ago. So please realize that I (and countless others) see you as a smart, successful, sexy woman, yet your low self-esteem is hard to miss. Why am I such an expert on low self-esteem? I’ve been dealing with it my whole life, and it undermines me on so many levels. My therapist is trying to help me, yet it’s a painfully slow process.
Best of luck with learning to love YOU and everything about YOU. Ms. FBC, you’re an amazing woman.
G
I believe u are right..some men are intimidated..but thats in their nature..a strong woman..its hard for some men to handle that..also women who know what they want and how to get it..it messes with the natural balance of things to a man..u know they always want to be in control of things. But really..u will find that man eventually…u might already know him :)..
Your Q: “Tell me: Do you agree? If so, which women intimidate men the most and/or which men are the most likely to be intimidated by women?”
My answer: most definitely YES! I am in complete agreement with you that a ton of men are intimidated to a great degree…i speak from personal experience. Like you, I’m an smart brown chick with style and confidence whose got her shit together…along with being very career driven. And not bad looking, if I do say so myself :-)
However, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been approached by a dude at the bar/club/party who thinks I’m hot, but then within a few minutes of talking to me the words “I’m going to medical school” come out of my mouth and he figures out I’m no dum-dum. Said guy promptly “disappears” to hit on the next (stupider) bimbo in the room. sigh.
So I guess in answer to your second question…I’d say the type of women that MOST intimidate guys are women who have both beauty and BRAINS. A girl with looks and smarts at her disposal–as well as a healthy sense of self-respect–is not easily fooled, and harder to control. Therefore, too intimidating for the average dude. Couple that with a larger-than-life strong personality, and you’ve got a simultaneous “attraction/repulsion” thing going!
As for what type of guy…I’d say the ones most easily intimidated are a) dudes not really secure in their masculinity/himself to begin with and b)the typical “hot” guy who gets enough attention from chicks without having to work hard for it or c) the player who can’t deal with a girl busting his game. That being said…from personal experience there are a select few guys who have the confidence and mojo to deal with us “intimidating” chicks…but I stress: FEW. lol.
It just seems so unfair that a guy who has looks and brains is on to of the world and can get material success and romantic adoration–it’s all a “plus”. But a girl with the same…its like being successful and confident works against you, not FOR you, in the romance department!
@ Roddykat: Check out the archives, babes! :) And, you are sooooo right about the “Compromising the key … and the problem” stuff. :)
@ shegoestoeleven: Great comment! I don’t agree with 100% of you evaluation of me, but I love your comment anyway. You asked, “Don’t we all want someone who celebrates our strengths and accomplishments?” Oh, hell yeah. :) Who doesn’t want their own personal cheerleader in their corner — complete with a firm ass any everything. ;) And, now for the other part of your comment … You are NOT a “less successful” version of me. I fall into that trap a lot. I think, “Why do the people from XXXXX magazine refuse to make any contact me?” or “Why didn’t XXXXX newspaper take my piece?” or “I wish I was as established in the writing world at XXXXX is.” Then, the Brown Pollyanna (an tiny little Angel on my left shoulder) reminds me that I’m not competing anyone else. It’s like that line from one of Mary Schmich’s Chicago Trib columns from ages ago: “Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind … the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.” Okay, scrolling up to see what else you mentioned … I wrote about the sexy vs. beautiful stuff. And, I wrote about how people view me based on my writing vs. how I view myself in a post called Ourselves as Others See Us. And, here’s the point where I thought you were 100% right: “I stridently tell men that I don’t want marriage while in actual fate I’m hoping desperately to find a loving, monogamous relationship.” But, here’s the thing: Is that necessarily a contradiction? I don’t wanna get married AND I want a serious relationship; I don’t think marriage is the only way to share my life with someone. For the record, I soooo get caught dead without spending lots of time on my appearance. :) I get ready in 20 mins in the morning & I don’t wear sexy clothes like the 1950s style bustier pictured here on a regular basis. Do men think I lack genuine self-confidence? Dunno. Maybe, maybe not. Do I think I lack self-confidence? Absolutely not. Again, it goes back to the “not contradictory” thing. I think it’s possible to have self confidence AND feel insecure at times. I don’t have super low self-esteem; if it comes across that way in my writing, it might be because I talk about my insecurities instead of hiding them. Everyone feels insecure, few people actually fess up to it — ESPECIALLY not so publicly. But, again, great, deep, thought-provoking comment. Love it. THANKS!
@ mrsbigg: I kind of like the idea that I might already know “my guy.” Makes it kind of sound like a treasure hunt. I should start asking all of my guy friends, “Is it you? Is it YOU?” ;)
@ Sultana: Three cheers for smart brown chicks with style and confidence who have their shit together!!! :) You’re in med school? That’s hot! :) Read this blog: http://www.ahyesresidency.blogspot.com/. Met him once; he’s great! I think BRAINS + BEAUTY = THE HOTNESS. Thanks for your A B C breakdown by the way. I’ve been dating Bs and Cs lately.
it’s not who you are….. but what you want and desire……
lamesabassman…….. you can’t always get,what you want….. ever…
This is a subject I have often spoken of with my friends. I have found that even when I don’t have all my shit together, men are still intimidated.
Forget about the jerks who want a woman they can controll.
Men need to feel needed. They think that if you have everything you don’t really need them, and that makes them feel inferior. So a woman who is successful does have to be mindful of not being controlling either, and make time to nurture their relationship. Remind him constantly (in not so obvious ways) that although you may not need him to pay your bills and protect you from the world, DAMN you NEED him!
You have to show some vulnerability. Of course this is after you are in a relationship.
But how does one go about not scaring him off to begin with? Reveal a little at a time. Each thing that he discovers about you in time should make him feel you are more special, rather than more intimidating because he is already falling for you. The custom of Americans asking “What do you do?” when first meeting someone is quite rude and counterproductive. You immediately form some type of judgement based on their occupation that probably has nothing to do with the type of person they are.
FBC! Long time no chat! Excellent subject.
My $0.02: In the past, you’ve described your predilection for a certain type of man–youngish, very good looking, very successful, often foreign. This kind of man is often used to having things easy, very likely including women. So when a man like this makes an initial assessment (FBC is sexy, brown, clever and outgoing, sounds like easy good times) and you prove to be more…not “work,” exactly, but…well yes, more work–you are fun and funny without being an airhead, outgoing without jumping into bed with them right away, etc.–I think they walk. Look for an easier mark, in a way.
Men love a challenge. Except when they aren’t looking for one.
Carry on! Fight the good fight in NYC!
and … gee … what are your thoughts, love….. a challenge… eh!
roll… roll on….. roll on, roll on…..
lamesabassman….. from your view…. how does it flow…
@ Kali: Interesting comment about Americans and the “what do you do?” A couple regional varieties exist. In the Northeast more than elsewhere, I’ve been asked, “Where did you go to school?” and/or the even more brazenly classist question “What do your parents do?”
@ sid: You said, “Men love a challenge. Except when they aren’t looking for one.” VERY interestingly/cleverly stated. And, yes, VERY long time no chat!!! How’s the windy city treating you? By the way, you mention, “In the past, you’ve described your predilection for a certain type of man–youngish, very good looking, very successful, often foreign.” Um, yeah, like, nothing’s changed. :)
@ lamesabassman: Oh, but you left out the best part! “You can’t always get want you want. You can’t always get want you want,” but if you try some time, you just might find … you get what you need! Aww, yeah, baby. Bring it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzz1VEN1SEk\
name it …. and claim it….. am as close as your mindline….. and am river deep….
lamesabassman……. keep your eyes …. on the prize…..
Hmmmm, well I suppose if one’s status must be taken into consideration before you associate with them those questions are necessary. Will post about this. Interesting
at times….. it’s kinda a vibe,rather than status….. for the world is based upon
smoke and mirrors….. and you would be so pushed to have to interface the few
that pass themselves off as an item.. so… your best defense is to be upfront….
and if they can’t hang….. to the left,to the left.. but … ya gotta ask yourself just one question…. ” Which of the two will later hurt you more……not knowing where
you’re going,or knowing that you have been here…. before… ; which of the two
will later hurt you more….”
lamesabassman…….” do ya feel … lucky …. well, do ya…….”
Chicago is treating me well. It’s like an extended vacation in some ways.
As for your continued predilection, I’m glad nothing’s changed!
Here’s to the imported and the oppressed! (I recently tried domestic for the first time in ages. Blech.)
;-P
@ Kali: Interesting, indeed.
@ lamesabassman: :)
@ sid: YES!!! To the imported and the oppressed!!!! :) And, yeah, stay away from domestic … it’s just not the same.
Strong men like strong women. It’s ones with issues that need to be on top, for fear of vulnerability.
Er…figuratively speaking of course. Nothing wrong with the literal interpretation of that. Or the reverse. But I’d better stop leading my own thoughts astray.
Dirty little mind, huh? :)
And, yeah, I need to find a strong man. I’ve asked Sexy Schultzy to hook me up with one of his friends. If anything comes of that, I’ll let y’all know. ;)
Hi Twanna,
Thought I would read the blog that inspired the blog I left my first comment to you on.
The answer is yes, there are some. People are people and they’re not all the same.
As for those who are intimidated, I can’t help but think they are bullies, afraid and desperate for control. But do not assume that every guy who leaves the scene is intimidated. We all have our issues, our “yikes! she’s just like the ex” moments, our feelings that the chemistry and the destiny is missing, our old flames we are holding that seem to flare when we might get serious with someone else and, of course, our new flirtations.
If it is any consolation, TLOML is not someone I could control even if I wanted to. I find her absolutely fascinating and, though she exudes sexiness and is a drop dead gorgeous, deliciously mixed lady that all the guys salivate over, she doesn’t control me either, nor does she want to, either. Whenever I, in my anticipation or appreciation, say or do something that might suggest that I am obsessed or “crazy” in that way, she points it out, says she feels “uncomfortable”. It is a long dance, but I have my own reasons for accepting that, for waiting until I have reached certain goals before we are together.
Also, I met her without looking for her, our paths crossed along life’s pathways. Perhaps it will be the same for you. My advice to you is to stop looking and start listening, stop trying to find a guy and instead hear the “still small voice” of what you should do with your life. In other words, keep on working and you will meet that special someone in due course.
Take care,
Carl Peter
Thanks for the kind and inspiring words. :)