Dear Pete (a.k.a. Mashable Dude):
â€œI know you,â€ you said as we bumped into each other at your party last Friday. â€œYeah, we met at SXSW,â€ I reminded you. â€œHmmm â€¦â€ your face fell to a blank stare. You didnâ€™t remember meeting me. â€œUh, right, okay, so, everyone was drunk there. I donâ€™t remember everyone I met either,â€ I said to soothe my wounded ego and to make you feel less awkward. But, I figured you knew me from my site. â€œYou read FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com, yeah?â€
Shit. I felt stupid. If you didnâ€™t get down with the funky brown, then I figured you knew me via one of our mutual connections. I suggested, â€œWeâ€™re both Vaynerchuk pals. You saw me on Garyâ€™s show?â€ You politely shook your head and said, â€œUm …â€ You watch Wine Library TV; you probably missed the day I dropped by.
Now, I was stumped. You didnâ€™t come to my SXSW talk. And, I doubted you read the girly mag Glamour so you didnâ€™t read about my orgasm. You live somewhere out west, so you probably donâ€™t read Time Out New York & didnâ€™t see my erotic haiku. And, so on and so on. I was at a loss bro; I didnâ€™t know which connection you had in mind.
â€œTwit-tah!â€ you said as the lightbulb went on. [NOTE TO USA READERS: British English translation to American English: Twit-tah = Twitter.]
You read my tweets. I felt so embarrassed. I wanted to morph into a tiny red ant, then crawl away and sting the hell out of someone so theyâ€™d stump me to a miserable end.
â€œYouâ€™ve been writing very nice things about me,â€ you smiled.
I assumed you meant the It should be a goddamned punishable sin to be that fucking fiiiiiiiine!!! stuff. For the record, I didnâ€™t say that. I was quoting this brown woman. But, yes, I’ll fess up to something else … Being the silly little girls that we are, another brown woman (Tiffany B. Brown) and I jokingly became co-founding members of the Brown Girls Who Think Pete Cashmore Is Sexeh Club, LLC. Please forgive us. We all write stupid shit online without realizing people (sometimes) actually read that stuff.
Crawling back to the obscure hole from whence I came,
Twanna // FUNKY BROWN CHICK
Pete on Valleywag
Open Letter to My Laptop
Open Letter to Dates Who Find My Blog
Open Letter to The Guy Who Sent Me Pictures of Himself Wearing a Thong
Open Letter To The Man Who Sent Me His Penis
To The One Who Tried to Poison Me