Manly Monday: A Guy’s Perspective on Thr33somes
Two girls. One guy. Thr33some. I asked my brilliant writer friend Royal Young to share his thr33some encounter with the FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com crowd for this magnificent Manly Monday. Royal’s great. You’re gonna read about this kid’s work in the papers one day. Seriously. His writing often makes me wish I was a piece of wide-ruled, loose-leaf notebook paper so he’d rub his big sexy pencil all over me. Seriously. It’s that good. For our purposes, he’s just having fun & giving us a smidgen — the “tip” if you will. Enjoy!
The Dick Side of the Thr33some Sheet
While discussing fine wines with Twanna at an East Village loft after party for a reading at Gramercy Park National Arts Club, she told me she had just had a thr33some. “I’m writing about my thr33some!” I exclaimed. Being a dude, I was eager to hear it from a ladies’ perspective, especially since the two ladies involved in mine had jilted me.
As Twanna recalled the sexy details of hers, I got jealous. I admired how wholesome her thr33some experience had been. Mine was in a bathroom at a New Year’s party with one curvy lezzie and a Kate Moss-esque friend from high school. After making out with both girls and feeling their breasts, I was just about to get their panties off when “Kate’s” drunk Russian mom started banging down the door. I forgot to mention we were at her mom’s New Years party, didn’t I? We disentangled ourselves and emerged to the revelries.
Somehow I got stuck with an obese 60 year old Russian woman and her young beefy hubbie who had married her for a green card, while “Kate” and lez ran off to go down on each other (I later found out). Bored, I got drunker and drunker with the Ruske couple. At some point I was so drunk I thought it might be a good idea to have a thr33some with them! Unluckily, they seemed to think the same thing.
“I have big Russian c0ck,” the husband laughed, slapping me on the back.
“I should leave,” I tried to get to my feet.
“Goodbye kiss!” the wife cried, clutching me in a firm grasp and thrusting her cold, wet tongue in my mouth.
“Your wife just kissed me man,” I said incredulously after I was released. “Does that mean you want a smooch too?”
“I’ll punch you!” The beefy Red screamed, suddenly taking offense. No loss. I rushed out of the slumbering apartment as “Kate” and lez emerged in a sexed out haze from a back room confusedly watching my escape.
So, why am I sharing TMI — of course, besides the fact that Twanna and I concluded fine wine gets you drunk and I have a crazy story to tell? Because I want FBC readers to know that people are weird. The weirdos aren’t the ones who write about their weirdness in an open, honest way. The ones we should worry about are the really whacked people who hide their secrets away, who pretend to be shocked and mortified at the “sluts” and “d1cks” who are simply trying to put all their human confusion down on paper or out in cyberspace to figure it all out.
I’m usually a pretty tame, lame guy. Although I yearn for Ms. Right, I am not beneath using Vaseline and porn instead of wanton sex until I find her. Sometimes thr33somes happen to onesome people — I’m just setting the record straight.
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Related link: Get your Pomp and Circumstance on!
Photo credit: Ali Loxton
July 7th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Well Royal… what did u actually “get it in” with the russian couple? I thought the story would be more descriptive/graphic like the FBC’s.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
a cold (and wet) tongue? um…eww? i would be fighting the vomit. sadly, i just cannot convince my significant other to indulge me in the threesome. says he doesn’t want to share the good sex. *shrug* perhaps when i am back to being single?
July 7th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Twanna had the better experience, Royal had the better story.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
damn, I gotta say congrats to the FBC. but Royal… man I feel that, I have plenty of drunken stories to tell.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
There is a special place tucked far away in the mind where you throw experiences like this away. This is so that you never never never remember them!
July 7th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
So it turns out the guy who is giving us his perspective on 3somes didn’t even have a 3some? Ok.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:39 am
I wanna hear about Twanna’s thr33some I BET it’s way juicier than the guys. Well what do I kno, I haven’t had one…..Yet but I would like to. W/ a guy n another girl :0
July 8th, 2008 at 3:38 am
@ DreaD: I have a feeling he’s saving the juicy tidbits.
@ wynsters the tigress: Fighting the vomit, indeed. Hey, that’s a hell of a name for a rock band. “Fighting the Vomit.”
@ Brenz: Hey, hey. There’s no “better” or whatever. Just different experiences and different stories. ;)
@ Quentin: Do tell!!
@ kali: That’s hilarious. And, yeah, the idea of a cold wet tongue made me shiver too.
@ Dave: Sweetie, you’re not hating on Royal are you?
@ Lee-Lee: Here’s my thr33some story: http://funkybrownchick.com/2008/06/06/and-then-there-were-three/
July 8th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
now? or later?
July 8th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Funkybrownchick: Nope sweetie I’m not hating but from the title I figured I was in for a story about a guy who had actual sex with 2 girls at the same time and his insights about the event afterwards. What I got instead was a story about a guy who made out with 2 girls and then proceeds to kiss a fat married woman. There isn’t really anything for me to hate on is there?
July 9th, 2008 at 10:27 am
both tales have merit,for they express the ying and yang of what really out there..
and the X files are heavy with stuff like this…. it is at times like this when your
hands are your best friends and … the way things look …. they are the ones that
you will feel most comfortable with on Saturday nite….
is it just me or is the dating scene beginning to look like the WWF ….
Keep the Faith….. better days are coming( excuse the pun)……
lamesabassman…… travel…. for you may get lucky,outside the box….
July 9th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Here are my 3 simple rules for threesomes
1. Don’t take it seriously
2. Don’t pout because someone else is getting more attention….then it stops being a 3some and turns into a 2wsome and a pouty person watching.
3. make sure people are cool with the panicbutton beforehand…..nothing kills a fun time faster than an unwanted anal penetration…..
July 10th, 2008 at 10:20 am
@ Quentin: Either.
@ Dave: Blame me for the title. He gave me the guest post and I forgot to ask for a title, so I just slapped one on there. My fault, not his.
@ lamesabassman: Yeah, I’ve always said that dating in NYC feels like “sport dating.”
@ dkzone: Panic button? Okay.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
HA! This story is great! I have had my fair share of theesomes (th33somes) and it is pretty incredible how many turn out to be not quite as awesome and one would think/hope/wish.
I’m a massive fan of group sex. Group sex done right is awesome – pure awesome. Group sex gone bad is just bad. That line between awesome and bad is, sadly, razor thin. However, this sad and inevitable fact should never invade on the pursuit of awesome.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:57 pm
“…setting the recod straight.” ??
Sure. Queer.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:57 pm
“…setting the record straight.” ??
Sure. Queer.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Let me know ifa I can straigten you out “dude”. LOVS ME A CHALLLLENGE!!!!