2 Days in Paris: “Break up, break down. Drink up, fool around”
Last night, I had a session with my therapist. Nothing new. I’ve been seeing shrinks off and on since I was a teenager. For those interested, I’ll write a “How To” post about finding the right therapist and/or life coach. Eventually. Just not today. Because, if this is Tuesday, this must be France. Over the weekend, I saw the movie 2 Days in Paris starring Julie Delpy and Adam Goldberg. Loved it! If you don’t know the premise, here it is. A neurotic New York couple — French woman / American man — go on a vacation in Venice. On the way back home, they stay in Paris for two days where the dude meets a boatload of his girlfriend’s exes. Drama ensues. I can’t find the interview, but somewhere I read that Delpy said something like: Everyone always makes love stories about Paris. I didn’t want to do that. Her statement was probably more tactfully worded than that, but the sentiment was the same: Leave the bullshit behind. Serve up something real. [Note: Video contains spoiler! Don't watch this clip if you don't wanna know how the movie ends.]
“Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drink up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around to forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.” [Full Transcript of Scene.]
Um. Yeah. That’s me. I literally flinched as I watched the scene. See, here’s the part where the therapist comes in handy. [Sigh] I never said I wasn’t a work in progress. Anyway, I’m just tired of making the same mistakes in my “me-and-you-kid-we-coulda-been-something” relationships that scarely get off the ground. Run, run, run as fast as I can. Can’t hold on to me cause I’m searching for the right man.
“Is it too much to f*cking ask?” I challenged my friend Anna-Scarlet during a recent telephone conversation. “What’s wrong with staying single until I meet the right guy? The good one. The sexy one who makes me chicken noodle soup when I’m sick AND looks so hot that he makes me really wet when I’m horny. Is that too much to ask?”
“Hell yeah,” she says with exaggerated frustration. “You want too much and you don’t act like you’re looking for a longterm relationship. Every other woman in the world has figured it out except you. You gotta ‘date down’ if you want it to last. That’s the secret. The guy has to be less hot than you. Stay away from the attractive boys. Go for the good guys.”
“What about the attractive boys who are good guys?” I ask optimistically. “I know guys like that.”
“No you don’t. They don’t exist. You only think they’re nice because you don’t know them that well.”
I’m still disturbed by the conversation. Still processing it.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:59 am
I totally feel your pain on this one.
Damn, that hit a nerve.
I really want to tell you that what your friend said was totally untrue. But the truth is, I’ve seen no evidence to the contrary.
In my experience, the “hot” ones are never “good”, although they often seem that way in the beginning.
Twice, I “dated down” and it did last, would have probably lasted much longer if I didn’t then get the itch and split. They were both good guys, they just bored the shit out of me.
It’s at the point where I actually divide my dating life into two types of men; the “hot” guys who are only good for one thing, and the good guys who are wonderful to be around but don’t exactly make your clit twitch.
Or, if things are in a really sad state, you could meet a wonderful guy, one you make a strong emotional and physical connection with, but things don’t get a chance to manifest because he’s already taken.
I hate to be cynical but so far, it seems to me that women who want what we want are doomed to this type of dating life.
Depressing huh?
Now I need some ice cream or chocolate or something!
July 8th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
wow…….pessimist much?
I’m 6′2″ about 205 ( try to work out regularly)
I make homemade chicken soup…the key is carrots and celery for sweetness.
I give impromptu massages, because I’m affectionate and I love touching. I drink, but never drink to get drunk. I love movies, video games , sports. I refuse to go vegetarian…no matter how bad people say it is. I find women attractive and have no problems saying so. Being in a relationship, the issue isn’t that you have to be blind, but be respectful.
Oh yeah….people say I’m attractive, but I always look at myself as average, but try to dress well.
;)
July 8th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Well I was always told that you should “make sure the other person is more in love” and that way you won’t be so needy and dependent on them. And I guess you may have to “date down” in order for them to revel in your greatness? I don’t know. I’m still figuring it out. What I DO know is that I have NO plans to date down – did it once and it was the worst time ever in my life. I’ve decided to keep my standards high, and personal ideologies in tact. I fit means I’ll be single for a bit (a bit mean “God please don’t let it be THAT long”) then so be it. At least I’ll be happy knowing that I haven’t settled and compromised much of who I am, which, essentially, is what dating down is at it’s core.
I always manage to leave a mini-blog over here.
http://www.singleinla.today.com
July 9th, 2008 at 7:48 am
Interesting how few people have commented here. I think noone wants to crush your feelings, FBC. Sorry! :-(
July 9th, 2008 at 10:27 am
I don’t know the secret to it (especially since I am 36 and never been married). I don’t know that dating down would do you (or anyone) any good……I mean how special can the guy you are with feel that he is, if you are “settling”. That being said I think realistic expectations (not expecting more than you can give) is probably the key….but who knows (5000 self help books later and all I can tell you is they all give you different answers hehe…so pick the one that works for you)!
July 9th, 2008 at 10:41 am
to thy own self be true…… you think you Ladies have it bad….. just try to wade
thru the water with what we Guys go thru…. daily…. golddiggers, women who wish to marry just to get a Green Card, women who wish to marry just to bring in
their whole families in, women who just wish to add you to their mantle,women
who with date you because their bored,women who wish to date so they can eat
on a daily basis, women who date to eat and then leave you at the end of the meal,women who date you because you have a car,then borrow your car because
THEY have a date,women who have caught something from somebody and wish
to return the favor….. I can go on…. forever…. but if you just walk and talk with
your eyes open and your heart stays in your pocket until you luck up and strike
Gold…. you will continue to walk into the Walls of Life…. and the speedbumps
are killer…..
lamesabassman……. Keep the Faith….. all we need is Love..
July 9th, 2008 at 10:55 am
No it’s not impossible to find a hot, nice guy. But a lot of women who are always in bad relationships can’t get turned on by a guy unless there’s drama. There is no soap opera drama with a nice guy. The nice guy may be hot, but women who are used to being with unavailable guys don’t find him so because they think he’s boring or whatever. My husband is really attractive but what really makes me wet is that I know he’ll be around to fuck me until I’m old and decrepit and he makes me a cup of tea after we do it. Keep looking girl and don’t confuse drama with excitement.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:24 am
I don’t think it has to be that depressing.
I think of it as, OK, that relationship ended, and it hurt… but I wouldn’t trade my time with that person for the world. And hopefully, I learned something about myself and what I want, so that the next time I don’t make the same mistakes. Then I make new ones with someone else who I will be glad to have known.
And maybe one day you hit the “right” person and you stay together… but it won’t be magical every day. You’ll spend time being lonely while you’re with them. Or hating them because they hurt you. And no matter how hot they are, you will spend time not being attracted to them.
I just don’t think that marriage or 2gether4everness is a cure for anything: it’s just the same ups and downs, experienced with ONE person. The process is half the fun.
July 9th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
when hear the words “good guys” I always think of Chucky… hes such a cute doll, and he cant wait for the opportunity to cut you and steal your soul. so true.
I agree with lamesabassman and being true to oneself. Realizing the truth and harnessing the ability to express this truth in a comfortable way produces pure happiness, anything less would be superficial.
You’re gonna be fine FBC, just take it easy and do your thing, its all that matters anyway.
I would like to spark a discussion with the aim of identifying the words love, happiness, and truth. what are they?
I am going to go read, I need to think.
July 9th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
oops, I meant “when I hear…”
July 9th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I had to think about this one for a while, and I analysed my own relationship.
I don’t know if perhaps the problem with these hot guys is that you are so infatuated that you don’t realy see them. I don’t just mean you don’t see the bad characteristics beacause you are blinded by the hotness, but perhaps you are not seeing that they are not suitable for you as quickly as you should.
I have never been one for the pretty boys. My body isn’t perfect so I don’t look for that either. My mister wonderful is good looking but what turns me on about him is this quiet intensity that he has. You can just sense that beneath the exterior there is something powerful. When asked if he was good looking when we were first together I didn’t think he was gorgous, but I tend to not get caught up in that. I like power, he has to be strong enought to deal with me!
No I don’t think you should lower your standards and expectations, but I also think you should be open to someone who may be a little less than your ideal. After all an ideal doesn’t realy exist. You will find love most unexpectedly.
STOP LOOKING FOR HIM.
Do the things that make you happy and help you grow, leave yourself open to whatever, and when he does come along you won’t be screwed up and mess it up.
July 9th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Just adding my two cents to say I completely agree with “E” and “kali.”
Hang in there, Funky B.!
July 10th, 2008 at 7:44 am
There’s not much for me to add to lamesabassman, E, and Kali. I can, however, put an answer to this:
“I mean how special can the guy you are with feel that he is, if you are “settling””
Unless dude has a REALLY low self esteem(and even then), it’s gonna hurt some. Especially if you remind him of that, consciously or not. And people will, no matter how good-natured or what, will only take but so much. I cut out the accompanying this, because it was gonna run long an possibly go off topic.
You do have to ask yourself if looks are more important than compatibility. The two don’t always go hand in hand, but there is a real good balance out in the world. And it’s all about what is good to you (looks, treatment, etc). The main thing is to be happy with whomever you choose to share your sunshine with. And as I twittered about yesterday, if you can’t be happy, be out.(didn’t think that was gonna up again). Not advice, just observances.
You’re going to find someone(s) worthy of you. Don’t stress it.
(hmm, guess I did have something to say.)
July 10th, 2008 at 8:34 am
@ kali-YES!!!!
“I just don’t think that marriage or 2gether4everness is a cure for anything: it’s just the same ups and downs, experienced with ONE person.”
I agree if you marry or stay committed to an emotionally unavailable guy it will be more of the same painful drama. Who you choose is really important but it’s not the only thing.
You gotta love yourself first and be ready to make yourself emotionally available to a guy who will be there for you. Just planning a wedding date is not going to fix shit for you. There are ups and downs in a truly intimate relationship too but at the end of the day you know the guy got your back.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:05 am
@ Desiree: Baby, did you eat ice cream or chocolate? :) BOTH work amazing wonders for depression.
@ dkzone: You sound like a great guy.
@ Haute in LA: EXACTLY! See, that’s the same kind of stuff Anna-Scarlet and I were talking about. The whole “make sure the other person is more in love.”
@ Peggy b.: I can never tell what the number of comments mean. Sometimes it’s that I’ve written somthing pretty lame and no one wants to tell me. Other times it’s that I’ve written something that strikes a people think about it for a while then comment later. On the flip side, I’ve written posts that I thought were pretty random (i.e. the farting post and the thong post) and they TOTALLY get a lot of reponse. Ya never know. :) By the way, I owe you an email!!! (LOVED what you sent me.)
@ Felicia: I’m soooo in agreement on the “don’t ask for things you can’t bring to the relationship yourself.” If you’re out of shape, don’t expect a fit & toned partner. If you’re not dealing with your issues, don’t expect someone who has their shit together. And, so on. I actually think that’s a really good way to approach the whole relationship thing.
@ lamesabassman: Good point: to thy own self be true.
@ marriedlatina: I talked to my therapist in Chicago about that 5 or so years ago — this whole idea that “boring” relationships are actually “healthy” because it means there’s no drama. Will write a post about that some day.
@ E: Beautiful, honest sentiments. Thanks for the comment.
@ qp’s gonna be a hot dancer: I used to love horror movies. Saw Chucky and all the others. Not really a fan anymore.
@ kali: Oh, I’ve never disagreed with that at all. :) I’ll fully admit that I get “blinded” by attractiveness, accents and a whole host of other things. Everyone has their relationship addictions. For some, it’s rich dudes. For others, it’s an emotionally strong man to lean on. And, others just want “someone” and it doens’t matter who they are or how they treat them. Funny thing about expecting to date an idea type? Ages ago, my friend Laura suggested I date this random guy. I was like, “He’s not really my type.” Her response? “And, look how well your type is working out for you?”
@ Andy: THANK YOU!!! :)
@ Roddykat: I once stayed in a relationship with a guy exactly four months longer than I should have. I wanted out and I guess it showed when I said something like, “I’m willing to stick with this and see if it gets better, but I’m soooo not tolerating this shit forever.” (I STILL can’t believe I said that.) Anyway, he responded, “How’s that supposed to make me feel?” I eventually broke up with him.
@ marriedlatina: Got the “love yourself” part down. “Emotionally available” not so much so. And, yes, Kali’s a good woman isn’t she?
July 11th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Nathalie: Your comments about me being unattractive, unfit and dating outside of my league are quite hilarious considering you’ve neither met me nor any of the guys I’ve dated. :) Needless to say, I moderated your comment. Golden rule of thumb at the FBC? “Be kind.” Passive agressive, bitchass comments aren’t kind. Further, they say more about the comment-leaver than they do about the person to whom the comment was directed.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Yikes – I didn’t mean you were unattractive or unfit. I apologize – what i meant is there is a continuum for “hot”. I assume actually you are fit – based on your pictures – so I apologize for that confusion. I’m saying that on a relative level, it is ideal to not go for a guy who is “hotter” than you. I apply this in my life too. It’s a scale – not black and white (i.e. I did not mean you are unattractive or not hot). As far as fitness, that wasn’t even meant to be related to you. SOrry for that confusion.
July 12th, 2008 at 11:55 am
??? You didn’t mean “I think you’re unattractive” you meant “I think attractiveness falls on a continuum and the guys you date are closer to the ‘hot’ end than you are.” Okay. Got it. Glad we got that cleared up — again, hilarious, considering you know neither me nor any of the men I’ve dated.
Sheesh! :)
July 14th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
i don’t think there’s a correlation between “less hot” and good. i have dated guys less hot and been cheated on, and i’ve dated guys waaay hotter than me…and cheated on them.
i’ll agree with the need to go for a good guy. period. and definitely hold out for a good guy who has the same values as you, treats you well – and can make you wet. in terms of a full-on relationship, why would you go for anything else?
July 14th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Here, here!! :) You said, “definitely hold out for a good guy who has the same values as you, treats you well – and can make you wet.” Definitely! Hence, why I’m single at the moment. When/if I find a good (and hot) NYC dude that matches well with me again, we’ll date.