Kind Kisses: Friends with Benefits
By now, you’ve probably seen the brilliant “Your Handy Guide to Friends with Benefits” my lovely pals over at Boinkology cooked up. I see absolutely no problem with sexing it up with a bud of a different (or same if that’s your inclination) sex as long as neither one wants it to be something more. I have male friends, and I’ve slept with a few of them. Rewind to Millenium Park in Chicago. Four year ago. My friend … um, fuck, I should give him a fake name … Let’s call him Biffo.
“She won’t leave me alone,” Biffo says as he pops a cold purple grape in his mouth. We’ve slipped a small blanket topped with a bottle of red wine, gouda cheese, strawberries and grapes between us and the grass. We’re waiting for the summer outdoor classical music concert to begin.
“Who won’t leave you alone?” I ask wondering which of Biffo’s many psychopathic / fucked up / wacko floozies is the culprit now. He likes ‘em crazy. He once told me: Having a crazy girlfriend is like having a wild African tiger as a pet. The other guys have cute little kitties named “Precious”, but I have a tiger. Apparently this tiger’s name in Ayalah.
“Ayalah,” he tells me.
“Who’s Ayalah?”
“Ayalah’s this Israeli girl I met over break. She’s a stripper. We were friends but then we began sleeping together and now she won’t leave me alone.”
We talk about Biffo and Ayalah’s (supposedly) past sex life. He tells me that he broke it off with her, and I assume he’s telling the truth. When we’re both single and horny, Biffo and I sleep together. We’re adults. He knows that I’ve slept with other people in my past, and I know he has too. But something seems off about his Ayalah story. “What do you mean?” I ask.
“I told her that I don’t want to see her anymore. I don’t like her. I just want to be friends, but she won’t get in through her head that we’re not going to date. It’s like I see it in her eyes. She still has hope. And, she keeps calling me,” he rubs his temples, “She’s always calling me.”
“Well, stop fucking her,” I laugh at the absurdity.
“Why do you assume I’m still sleeping with her?” Biffo asks before growing really quiet.
“Sweetie, I know women. If this woman keeps calling you … If you’re telling her that you only wanna be friends but she think it’s something more, it’s because you’re obviously still sleeping with her.”
“You think you know everything,” Biffo says in that I’m-angry-but-I-don’t-wanna-show-it voice.
“Are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Sleeping with her?”
“No.”
“No since when?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean when’s the last time she sucked your dick or you slipped your penis inside of her. Has she tugged you off? I mean, ‘When’s the last time or you did anything sexual?’” If he wants to throw me silly questions, I’ll play his game. Besides, I know men. If you don’t ask for specifics, you’ll get a mush of nondescript answers. ;)
“Last Tuesday.”
“You slept with this chick last Tuesday?!?!”
Biffo doesn’t respond.
“No wonder she thinks she’s still got a shot!”
The concert starts and Biffo barely speaks to me for the rest of the evening. He hates it that I know women better than he does. ;)
Here’s a question for you today, my lovely readers: Do you think it’s possible for two people who find each other sexually attractive (and who’ve slept with each other) to maintain a friendship after the sex stops? I’m especially curious to see if there’s any pattern in guys’ opinions on the topics vs. womens.’ You know the drill; use the comments section to share your thoughts on the matter.
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Photo credit: Image appears online at Boinkology. Click to go to the original article.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:02 am
speaking from my experience i could never do it. i mean i have tried but there was awkwardness and when i was alone i kept thinking of that person. it became unhealthy. needless to say i cut ties but it wouldnt work in my opinion.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:03 am
Yes it’s possible after a…cooling off period.
alicia
http://todaystyle.today.com/
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Yes. Been there. Done it. And oddly, I had the same conversation with another dude about why his crazy ex just wouldn’t leave him alone. Um DUH: because you’re not making it obvious that you don’t like her.
Sometimes you have an itch that you want to get scratched, but for a whole range of reasons, the scratcher isn’t boyfriend/girlfriend appropriate. You know … like his inability to be reliable.
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I <3 your candor FBC!!
“Sometimes you have an itch that you want to get scratched, but for a whole range of reasons, the scratcher isn’t boyfriend/girlfriend appropriate. You know … like his inability to be reliable.”
Uh, Tiffany, are you in my freaking head???? I am going through something similar at the moment (which I can’t talk about on my blog right now b/c dude reads it religiously. Cue Fiona Apple “criminal.”)
Anywho, I say that if both parties are mature and discuss it beforehand then cool, let’s bump and grind then play video games and go to museum 3 weeks later. The key is communicating this and making it clear! I WILL stop to talk in the heat of the moment just to lay out the ground rules. But that’s me… I talk a lot (but not too much).
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
oops…. well…. the Ocean…. she callin’ … but this is too good to past…. that’s a big 10/4 and 5 x5…… all the way live….. if you were cool and on point with each
other from go……. then you have a life-buddy and those are very,very rare….. to do that … on any level…. you are the ying to their yang, you have the same thought waves, you finish each other sentences in your heads and love/care for them so deeply that you even mind if they are with someone else….. and they dont….. if you are…. for you both are Kismet personified ….. and it does’nt get
any better than that ….. ‘cept for being married…. but … that’s a whole other
page and time…. soooo , if you got it like that…. you are sooo hellacool….
lamesabassman…… time 2 get wet….. surf’s up.
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I run into this conundrum a lot. Ultimately, I want a steady guy. But it takes a lot of patience and weeding through the knuckleheads just to get someone who knows what they want AND can communicate it.
So I resort to the fuck buddy situation. But I haven’t been hugely successful at it. I often find the other dude (after about 2-3 sex sessions) acting like we’re more than just bumping uglies. Frustrating!
As soon as I see signs of it, I cut them off. Although, some of them still have vague Fatal Attraction tendencies. I admire people who can walk that tightrope indefinitely.
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Yes you can move friends to friends with benefits and back out again. With good communication and being honest up front it’s easier.
In fact lets go a step further - how about from live ins to husband to ex’s to friends to friends with benefits and then back to friends - did that.
It can work but both must be mature adults. Both have to understand catch and release techniques. Easier too if no one falls in love and monogamous looking for “mr/mrs right may not do this well.
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Wooops typo = It can work but both must be mature adults. Both have to understand catch and release techniques. Easier too if no one falls in love and monogamous and those looking for “mr/mrs right” may not do this well.
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Maybe it can be done, but I doubt it’s common. Doin’ the ol’ wocka-wocka just seems to make things different for most people. Actually, I shouldn’t even be offering an opinion on this, as it’s completely beyond my realm of experience.
By the by, it sure didn’t take you long to forego the “anti-workplace-language-filter” thing: “…um, fuck, I should give him a fake name…” My, FBC, you sure have a dirty mouth!
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Yes, it is possible, but it seems rare. I think a lot of us men think that an FWB situation allows you to throw out all rules of relationship, which makes FWB not worth it for men. You are still engaging in relationship, just one with perameters. Like any friendship or kinship, you still have to deal with the other person honestly, with respect and clear communication. Sometimes men tend not to want to infuse too much of this into their actual romantic partnerships, and that’s why we’d like to think that FWB is so much easier. What is to say that a friendship is any less intimate than a romantic or sexual relationship, or that it requires any less investment or work? I’ve managed to keep a few of my ex-lover’s as friends, and it’s mainly because of the desire to maintain a bond with someone special despite the fact that we didn’t work romantically or sexually.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I’ve pulled it off (no pun present), but it ain’t easy.
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
I think so, but both parties have to be emotionally mature.
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:10 pm
I think it’s possible, but rare as all hell. I concur with everyone else that both parties need to be clear, honest, and open with each other. And they have to be on the same page about how they’re defining the term “friend”. I’ve found that some men (though this can go for women as well) just aren’t up for the effort it takes to be in a real friendship.
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Re: friends with former fuck buddies, I’ve done it as well, twice with casual guys and once with my ex, whom I dated seriously for a year. I think it’s not just mature adulthood and good communication, but managing needs and keeping emotions in check.
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Here are the obstacles.
1. Men can have no strings attached sex with anyone they are not in love with and not get emotionally involved. (Who knows what it is that makes them fall in love)
2. Women can potentially fall in love with (or at least become very emotionally attached to) any man who they both get along with and are sexually attracted to.
3. A man will continue to fuck a woman who makes sex available to them and can fail to see how there’s any emotional connection.
4. A woman will continue to pretend that the sex is NSA as long as she has hope that the man will “come around” and realize he’s actually madly in love with her.
All that said, it can still work out for friends to have sex and to maintain the friendship after they’ve decided not to have sex anymore.
Generally, though, I think it mostly depends on the woman’s ability to not become emotionally involved. And just like understanding of what makes men fall in love is elusive, so is understanding of what makes a woman not fall for a man she enjoys both sexually and socially.
I’ve been there a few times. Have had male friends with whom I had a sexual relationship and then let go of the sex and just remained friends. In all of those cases, there was something about the man that made me know that a romantic relationship with him would never work. In most of the cases, I knew him really well as a friend and saw how he related to women and that’s what let me know he just wasn’t the one for me. In at least one situation it was someone who I’d been romantically involved with, it didn’t work, but the sex was good enough that we decided to be friends with benefits.
So, I think that’s the secret - the woman involved has to know enough about the man to know that there’s no hope of him being “THE one.”
July 24th, 2008 at 6:51 am
Yes…as long as the friendship is *better* than the actual act of sex.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:20 am
@ sharri-ann: If you realized it wasn’t working, I think it’s good you cut the ties.
@ Alicia: Hmmm … Cooling off period, you say? I think that’s true for a lot of relationships. For example, exes come to mind. You can’t really go from dating to just friends without a little buffer there too.
@ tiffany: Yeah, it totally amazes me that guys don’t get that. The whole FRIENDS with benefits stuff only works when both parties truly want nothing more than a friendship. If one wants more, it’s irresponsible and reckless for the other party to keep the sex stuff up. And, I feel you on the scratching. I had a boytoy in Chicago who was 100% completely inappropriate for so many reasons. We were just friends, and we never dated but the sex was good. (Shit, now my exboys in Chicago are reading this thinking, “Is she talking about ME?” Depends. I have more than 1 exboy there. :)
@ Haute in LA: Thanks!! :) Yeah, isn’t Tiffany great?!?! :) And, you’re so right about the communication. Both parties have to totally be on the same page. It’s like J Brotherlove said, sometimes it’s hard to find “someone who knows what they want AND can communicate it.” Ahhh, I miss my Chicago boys.
@ lamesabassman: Enjoy your vacation.
@ j. brotherlove: The dating world is FILLED with knuckleheads and I’m totally gobsmacked by the amount of tomfoolery out there. (Ah, yeah, I did it. I strung three of my favorite words together in one sentence.) Hang in there my friend! You’re too perfect of a person to go unnoticed for too long!
@ dahliadelight: Are you kidding me?!?! Wow! I’m impressed. I mean, yeah, obviously I’m pro-Friends with Bs. Love it. Done it a bunch of times. Think it’s healthy. Yada yada yada. But you went from “live ins to husband to ex’s to friends to friends with benefits and then back to friends.” THAT takes a lot of maturity and understanding. I’m impressed.
@ Baba Doodlius: Oops. Hadn’t realized I said it! And, yeah, oddly enough, it seems workplace filters allow the word fuck, but you can’t say thr33some.
@ Christopher: I love it that you said, “Like any friendship or kinship, you still have to deal with the other person honestly, with respect and clear communication.” Absolutely love it. And, by the way, you asked, “What is to say that a friendship is any less intimate than a romantic or sexual relationship, or that it requires any less investment or work?” Of the male friends I’ve slept with in the past, I know most of them better than their current or exgirlfriends. Some men find it easier to “let the walls down” with a FWB than they do with their partners.
@ Brenz: I used to pull it off all the time. :) It was really comforting because it offered all the intimacies of a sexual relationship without the complications of partnering with someone who’s not boyfriend material.
@ Wonderlove: Ditto!! Couldn’t agree more. Random, I know, but, did anyone remember that scene in the movie Ghost where Patrick Swayze’s character won’t tell Demi Moore’s character that he loves her? She’d say, “I love you.” And, he answered, “Ditto.” I would sooooo not tolerate that from a dude.
@ Cat: Wow! Y’all are GREAT with the comments today!! :) You mention, “I’ve found that some men (though this can go for women as well) just aren’t up for the effort it takes to be in a real friendship.” So very true indeed.
@ Eileen: Good point about the “needs” stuff. Like Tiffany said, sometimes you have an itch that needs to be scratched? What better person to do that than a good friend? :)
@ Fat Lady: Oh gawd, does this mean everything’s over? The Fat Lady is singing!! :) You’re the last one to leave a comment!!! Wait. Shit. I’m commenting after you. So, maybe it’s never TRULY over until the skinny bitch shuts up. ;) Okay, moving right along … #1. I agree … and I have a few thoughts about what makes a man fall in love. More on that soon. Maybe Manly Monday. #2. I freely admit that I get emotionally attached to men I’ve really sexually attracted to. That’s why I divide the world into GOOD men that I befriend and HOT men I date. That’s not to say that I don’t have attractive male friends or that the hot guys are all assholes. I’m just saying, in general, if I really really really like looking at a guy AND I feel a connection AND we’re sleeping together, that’s a relationship, not FWB. Hence, when I meet the hot, emotionally-connected, sexually attractive dudes, I don’t sleep with them unless it’s clear that we’re in an exclusive relationship. Unfortunately, they often bail when they realize I’m not giving up the goods and/or I bail when it becomes clear that they don’t wanna commit to me. Those of you who read this blog during the “Boy #2″ debacle in summer 06 know what I’m talking about. I really liked him. Painful. Frustrating. And, annoying. But, I digress … #3. Ooooh, you’re so right. This gets to heart of my discussion with Biffo!! #4. Okay, here’s the part where I disagree. :) Sometimes it’s not about hoping the dude will “come around.” Sometimes it’s just about cumming. Sometimes sex is just sex. I can’t remember who said it, but someone commented about my thr33some saying: “When you’re hungry, eat. When you’re horny, fuck.” Love what you said about, “In most of the cases, I knew him really well as a friend and saw how he related to women and that’s what let me know he just wasn’t the one for me.” I’d say that’s the case for 90% of my FWB. I’ve seen how they treat the women they date, and I wouldn’t put up with it. Thanks for the great comment.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:23 am
Hey Peggy B!! :) You slipped one in while I was typing the other comments. And, yes, I totally agree with you. The friendship has to be better than the sex!
July 24th, 2008 at 8:45 am
No, I mean I’ve pulled off the friendship after the cessation of the affair/relationship/whathaveyou.
July 24th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I’m friends w/ every woman I’ve ever dated with whom I’m still in touch to any degree. Sex (or the stoppage thereof) is no deal breaker for me.
July 25th, 2008 at 2:25 am
Brenz: Ahhh! Okay. Got it. :)
Lee Coles: I’ve not friends w/ my exes. Mostly, that’s because I don’t live in the same city that they do and we’ve just fallen out of touch.
July 25th, 2008 at 2:52 am
sometimes …… when we part as lovers…. we leave the best …. and take the rest..
to be friends, in which, we were until things got 2 real 2 be taken lightly is going to take so much trust, that your middle name is gonna be Citibank…. and the
FDIC will not bank on you…
lamesabassman….. roll the dice…..
July 25th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Ah yes……
The logistics and feasability of Boinkbuddies.
Is it possible? Sure. I think the thing that is necesary is a realization that an actual ” romantic relationship” won’t work. And both parties must see and understand this implicitly. The funny thing about this is, once the romantic pressure is off…. Then things become fun. You stop looking at the other persons every fault, like your going to be with them for the long haul. Look at it this way. When you go to buy a car, you analyze every dent, scratch, oil drop, carpet or upholstry stain. When you rent a car, who cares….its all about the fun for the weekend.
I will say this. I have loved my boinkbuddies. But I also realized that I wasn’t the best person for them. and the moment I saw that it hurt them that we couldn’t be more….we had our consolation shag and moved on. Doesn’t mean that i didn’t love them in some capacity, but that i wanted something more for them than being my boinkbuddy.
July 27th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Oh my this is my situation… Me and my ex broke up about 5 months ago. We still have sex from time to time. I am able to be his friend, yet I feel we are more than that. So I told him if he wants to act like just friends.. Stop trying to have sex with me. He knows I am weak when it comes to having sex with him. OOOOOOOOoo it is so good. So in order for us to maintain just a friendship we don’t see each other anymore. . LOL
July 27th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
@ lamesabassman: On the phone with my friend Maggie the other day, she mentioned, “I never understand any that lamesabassman’s comments on your blog!”
@ dkzone: Bingo! That’s def the key. As I mentioned, BOTH parties have to totally understand that it means nothing more. LOVE the car rental analogy, by the way. :)
@ mahoganydymond: Totally understandable. If one wants more (and it sounds like you did), it’s good to pull back from it.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:50 am
when one mixes sex and love….. things could happen….. but when you mix sex
with love and friendship…. where will be losses one both sides….
you can’t surf on still water…. you need waves….
and when the lights go down low…. that vision in the mirror will stare you down
and could you live with that….
no harm in having fun… just realize your limitations….. then your possibilities are
endless……
lamesabassman…… sex, it’s not just for dinner….
July 29th, 2008 at 3:03 am
it really does’nt take much to understand just how deep the funk is….. if you have been around the block as much as I have….. you start to filter the cheese kinda
early in life…… or as one so much better than once stated….. ” Free your mind…”
and the rest will follow…..
lamesabassman….. listen to the music and it will show you the way home….
August 3rd, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Yes, it’s very possible to revert back to platonic friendship after doing the dance of joy - I’ve done it several times myself. I think the secret is that a) you really have to be real friends to begin with and b) both parties have to be of the same mindset. By that I mean, both have to be non-clingers, and fairly care free. Otherwise, it’s a crash and burn situation. Bigtime.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:31 am
Oooooh, you totally sound like you’re speaking from experience. :)
August 5th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Too lazy to read all the replies, but to answer your question: of course! I’m still friends with all of my former GFs except the two I actually cheated on multiple times. In hindsight 50% of the GFs were mere FBs, as neither of us saw the other as a future life partner.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:16 am
I sooo didn’t know that stuff about your relationships. Your life / secrets grow juicier every day.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:57 am
[...] I have slept with most of my male friends. [...]