The Dude Who Wanted to Kiss My Vajayjay
Oh. yes. It happens. Rare. But, it does indeed happen. Ever so often, some guy asks, “Why didn’t you blog about [insert random event]?” Scratch that. I lied. People aren’t usually that direct. It’s typically something like: “Ooooh, sooooo I notice you didn’t blog about X. I was, you know, wondering what you thought about that.” Exhibit A. My platonic manfriend John Li asked me if he could put his tongue on my hoo-ha because he wanted me to evaluate his technique. Did I blog about that? Not then. Was he disappointed? Apparently. So, by way of example, I’ll tell you the full story now.
I used to regularyly hang out with John and this chick Chrissy Chan. I still see Chrissy, but I haven’t seen John in ages. Anyway, so, John, Chrissy, another dude and I went out for drinks and the four of us ended up at John’s place in Midtown East drinking scotch from little ice-filled glasses. John had to pee. I accompanied him to his bathroom. Kisses (but nothing else) exchanged. When we came out of the bathroom, figuring John and I wanted to be alone, Chrissy and the other dude dissapeared. Moments later, horizontal on his fluffy couch with the big pillows, John was on top of me and we were kissing by sticking each others’ tongues in our mouths. My pencil skirt was hiked up as I felt his erection pressing against my white lacy panties on the other side of his dark blue jeans. Sandwiched between my warm brown legs, John asked me if he could go down on me.
“Nope.”
“Why not? I wanna know if I’m any good at it. I figure you’re the expert.”
“Why would I be an expert at eating snatch?”
“No, silly, I mean an expert at telling guys how to do it.”
John had a girlfriend, and I had weird ideas about cheating. Had I cheated on any of my boyfriends? Absolutely not. And, as far as I knew, no one had ever cheated on me. But, would I cheat with someone’s boyfriend? Sure. Been there, done that. I thought maintaining relationships was like houskeeping. I kept my relationship “house” organized a certain way, but I didn’t judge others for their preferences. Hmmm … That was a respectable adult answer no? If you wanted even more honesty, I’d tell you this: In a really sick and twisted way, I think messing around with “taken” boys was a self-preservation thing. When I did it, I think I fooled myself: “See, look, selfless love isn’t for real. EVERYONE cheats.” So, prefering my side of the equation, I justified it was better to be single bedding a cheat than dating & sleeping with a cheater.
I loved hot Asian guys, all hot guys actually. So, why didn’t I let John go down on me? My best answer? I didn’t know. I guess part of me wanted something more. For the moment, I needed to believe somewhere in New York City there was a man who enjoyed my company enough to desire it for his own. The next morning, I didn’t blog about John. But, because girl talk reveals all, I told Chrissy that our little friend John asked me if he could kiss my vajayjay. Chrissy told me John had already been to my blog, and he was dissapointed that I didn’t mention him. Her witty response to John? “I told him, ‘You couldn’t have been that good or else Twanna would’ve wrote about you’.” I didn’t tell Chrissy she’d have to ask John’s girlfriend about his prowess because I wouldn’t know.
Hot damn that felt good. I’m kinda in a blabby, tell-all mood about the guys I’ve encountered in the city. I’ll be back tomorrow with another post about a dude who wondered why I never wrote about him. Two dudes, actually. Dutch dudes. Alex and Joritt. I met them several weeks back while out with my friend Irene. 2 Girls. 2 Guys. 1 shared connection to Holland. Did we have a foursome? Hardly. But, we did talk about, well, you know, kissing. Hmmmm …. More about THAT tomorrow.
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Photo credit: Image originally uploaded by Scott Snyder
July 29th, 2008 at 2:36 am
mowing the lawn is great if the one doing the deed knows just what they are doing…… and if done well…. one should see stars and feel the earth move….
and if not…. to quote a line from a great Prince girl group….” Wake me when
you’re done, you’re the only one having fun….”
lamesabassman…… do it anyway ya wanna do it, do it anyway ya want….
July 29th, 2008 at 7:01 am
Sounds like you had the forethought to sense that his intentions were beyond friendly critique–having an alternative (ulterior even??) desire to be the subject of a kiss-n-tell on your blog. I wouldn’t be surprised if your Dutch boys story-to-come will fall along those lines.
Sad…but I suppose your popularity is rising and others can’t help but want to ride in your wake.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:44 am
funny thing is a guy asked me the same thing just a week ago…as long as he could remain on the quiet he would do the same…i dont do that at least not till im married…so i said no.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Zow.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
I enjoy all things snatchlike and non blood related. You can actually learn alot sexually about a woman by licking the labia. But to be honest, probably the intent here was to get you soo heated that coitus was an eventuality.
With that said….
I love to lick some pu$$y. I love to look up and see the reaction and please my partner….or “lickey” soto speak. Maybe its the control side of my personality, or the idea of getting a woman to come first and take the pressure off. Or it could even be the noises they make….LOL…But i love it all and will dive between a womans thighs with abandon.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
You have no idea how funny this is. :D Like as if you’re ZAGAT and you have the power to put dudes on this “He knows what he’s doing” list and they can travel the world over and point to your review and get more chicks from it! :D
July 29th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Girl, you shoulda let him eat your cooch. Most men don’t know what the hell they are doing down there anyway so you coulda helped a brotha out. I had a much younger man ask me the same thing and I damn sure let him taste “Suzie”. Hell, somebody had to teach him. Now he knows what he is doing. I took my job seriously and now he is a great lover. He will make some girl happy one day.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Shoot Pam! What’s his number?
July 29th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
a review?…….LOL. that would be hysterical!!
His tongue stroke was strong. Overly so reminiscent of a 4th grader going after an ice cream cone. Where he lacked in technique he made up for in unbriddled enthusiam, until he commited the heinous faux pas of attempting to slip his middle finger in the arse, before asking. After being firmly rebuffed, he had the audacity to try the pinky in the sphyncter and was again met with resistence. Ultimately the experience brought to mind the workings of a drunken frat boy at a community college. I cannot recommend him to my discerning friends in good conscience…
With a review like that he would be lucky to pick up the barfly at bennigans, at 2am on a saturday night….
July 29th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Your reason for saying no was valid, he is in a relationship. I agree with dkzone, he was probably banking on the full ride.
alicia
http://todaystyle.today.com/
July 29th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
So why don’t you ever blog about green birds, huh?
July 29th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Technique is important and so is an honest teacher but come on, the most important thing is to have it be part of some sort of relationship.. Good for you that you said no..I don’t want to sound like a prissy old lady but please….
July 29th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
@ lamesabassman: Never heard it called moving the lawn.
@ Peggy b.: Oooooh, you mentioned the “desire to be the subject of a kiss-n-tell on your blog.” I soooo need to write a full post about this guy who wanted exactly that. He actually SHOWED my blog to another woman he was dating at the same time and basically said, “Look, people write about me!” I stopped contacting the guy and he basically wrote me an email that said, “I thought you would’ve had more class than to ignore my emails.”
@ sharri-ann: No oral till marriage? What if you hate it? :|
@ Brenz: Zow indeed.
@ dkzone: You’re hilarious!! You said, “I enjoy all things snatchlike and non blood related.” You know I post the “best of” comments on my Twitter. You were sooooo up there today.
@ bill c.: OMG, I’m soooo gonna start publicly rating my dates. ;) Ahh, no one deserves that.
@ Pam: Is this TMI … I once dated a Bi guy who gave me the low down on, well, you know, going down on dudes. It sounds more crass / odd than it is, but he used his hands to gently help my motion saying, “No, not like that … like this.”
@ Pebo: You’re funny!!
@ dkzone: LOVE IT!!
@ Alicia: :)
@ Baba Doodlius: I do!!! http://funkybrownchick.com/2008/05/14/baba-doodlius/
@ don: Relationships are good. :)
July 30th, 2008 at 3:33 am
So…… Mr. D….. do they ever let you color the Easter eggs…. and if not… I do
understand…..
me… am partial to green lesbians ….. please don’t make me wait ’til March 17…
again….
lamesabassman…….. sell the family jewels and set course for Paradise Isle..killer
July 30th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Why did I just *know* you were gonna say that? :)
August 1st, 2008 at 1:43 am
mowing the lawn sounds a lot better in a gig like this…… but, if you prefer sneakin’ Sally thru the Alley … well a nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse…. as long as the direction is current….. and delicious….
and…. Green is the new black… or Gray, if you’re west coast…
lamesabassman…. one never knows…. do one…
August 1st, 2008 at 1:51 am
P.S. …. to FBC…. if you can…. enjoy your Jury Duty…… great material …. trust me.
lamesabassman……. ” live long and prosper…..”
June 18th, 2009 at 8:03 am
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