How To Kiss A Boy and/or a Girl
2 Boys + 2 Girls = 8 Juicy Lips. Picture this: New York City. A couple months ago. I meet my friend Irene in this tiny, dingy place near Times Square with stained glass paneling decor that serves up pub food like crunchy french fries & red ketchup on cold white plates. When I arrive, I see sexy Irene perched on a brown wooden stool. She’s flanked by two Dutchmen I’ll simply call Alex and Jorrit because they gave me permission to use their real first names.
Alex is typically Dutch — very tall with thick blonde hair and thin lips. He’s “appropriate” in his introduction, shaking my hand firmly & dotting the gesture with a warm smile and extended blink. Though he’s covering his body with denim jeans and a white polo shirt, I assume the 30-something gentleman wears a suit on weekdays and works in finance. “I am Alex,” he greets me in accented English. “Ik spreek wel Nederlands, hoor,” I respond politely telling him it’s okay to speak his mother tongue. “Wij kunnen in het Nederlands praten.” His face brightens. Everyone loves to be spoken to in their own language.
Alex’s wingman/sidekick/friend is called Jorrit (pronunced kinda like tag, you’re it.) The tagman seems an inch or two taller than his friend, more expressive with his hands and extremely flirty. But, I don’t think Jorrit is trying to pick anyone up. He just seems like the deliciously horny type who enjoys the best of life’s pleasures — fashion, women, fine wines, tasty beers, and well-prepared international cuisines. Hmmm … Trouble. I kinda have a “thing” for the Dutch. Irene and I both lived in Holland (that country where you’ll find Amsterdam). If my memory serves me well, we teased the Dutch boys like this in Midtown that day:
Irene: “Dutch boys can’t kiss for shit!”
Twanna: “Maybe, that’s true … But Dutch boys typically have really nice lips!” [ Exhibit A , B , C and OMFG!!! ]
Irene: [laughs] “Imagine that! You’ve got the tools, but you don’t know how to use them?”
Fast forward to the present. I hope you’re all sitting down for this, because what I’m about to say is really really very important. I think EVERYONE who reads Funky Brown Chick should know how to kiss. It’s a skill. It’s not that difficult to master, but once you’ve got your advanced lip and tongue muscle maneuvers down, you’ll notice a HUGE difference in your sex & dating life. Soooooooo, without further ado, I present you with detailed instructions courtesy of wikiHow’s “How to French Kiss” as well as VideoJug’s action-packed kissing video. Enjoy!
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NOTE: No kisses were exchanged during my time with Jorrit, Alex and Irene. Irene and I are friends, and Alex & Jorrit were visiting tourists that I didn’t see again. We all swapped emails, and Alex recently sent me a message casually mentioning the boys noticed I never wrote about them. Well, voila! Genieten van de “kissing video” en groeten vanuit New York!! :)
July 30th, 2008 at 3:39 am
awww….. this wasn’t covered at Catholic high school….. can I stay after class….
lamesabassman……. ” and .. I never been to Spain, but,I kinda like the music…”
July 30th, 2008 at 8:27 am
I only spent a day in Amsterdam. How long were you in Holland?
July 30th, 2008 at 10:10 am
ahhhh….kissing….
I love to kiss. It’s such a passionate expression of openness.
I think the first mistake people make with kissing…( outside of eating any type of onion or garlic creation) is thinking that ‘the kiss’ starts with the lips. Your body langusage sets the tone for the kiss. Your hands and their placement, the angle of your head, and the intent of the look in your eyes will invariably set the tone for your kiss.
1. The driveby
The driveby is the sneak kiss and may verywell get yoou points for spontaneity, it may be cut short by women wo crave romance.
2. The fumble
The fumble is when you go for the kiss, but theres some problem with positioning and you either end up leaking drool, or bang teeth….either way…its definately not the way to go.
3. The moshpit
The moshpit is that kiss where each person keeps moving their head and by the end the passionate display is left with two people with saliva all over their faces…….while it may be fun in certain circles….it’s kinda messy in a way that can kill the mood when you wipe your mouth on your sleeve…..
4. The vampire
The vampire starts from a good 5-6 feet away. You lock eyes and subtly tilt your head. The reciever looks at you and thinks ” whats he thinking?” You stride across the room, maintaining eye contact. Your hand glides to her neck, but slips past to the back of her head. The other hand rests on the hip. At this point she’s thinking…” Oh…THAT’s what he’s thinking!!” now the vampire has 2 options here…The neck or the lips. Either way its a win win. The hand behind the head works to guide the other person into the perfect kissing angle or with her neck exposed you can see her heartbeat quicken in the pulse of her jugular vein. A well placed kiss on the neck is extremely hot. This is what I call a power move. You’ll know when you’ve done it correctly…..believe me….You’ll know…..
July 30th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Ah, I dunno. I got a friend who’s totally hooked on Dutch boys. Maybe you’re just sprekting the wrong hoors.
July 30th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
[...] http://funkybrownchick.com/2008/07/30/how-to-kiss-a-boy-andor-a-girl/ [...]
July 30th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I just started reading your blog and I already have a girl crush on you! Where have you been all my life? Never kissed a Dutchmen, I’ll have to give it a try and see for myself. dkzone: The vampire kiss is my absolute favorite!
July 30th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
You humans are lucky – you have lips. It’s next to impossible to kiss with a beak.
July 31st, 2008 at 1:47 am
just try to kiss one with curb feelers stickin’ outta tha’ face……
lamesabassman…… ” the horror….. the horror…..”
July 31st, 2008 at 7:35 am
@ lamesabassman: The Catholic school kids were always the most daring & adventurous, no?
@ symphony: Amsterdam is a beautiful city, isn’t it? I lived in Europe over a period of 4 years — 2 of those were in A’dam.
@ dkzone: I love kissing, too!!! :) And you’re soooo write about the body language stuff. I recently swapped kiss with this science / gadget writer dude. He’s got that body language stuff down pat. Great kisser. LOVE your kiss descriptions, by the way!!! :)
@ Brenz: I’m hopelessly hooked on all the single Dutch boys I know. They’ve got this innocent sweetness, this charming shyness about them. Example? I forwarded this post to a Dutch guy here in NYC. His response: “What are we doing wrong? For myself I try not to get too self-conscious about it. My reviews are probably mixed. We aim to please, but you can’t please everyone.” Seeee. Too cute!
@ Lee: THANKS for the link love!!! :)
@ Jamzy: Awwww, thanks sweetie!! :) I appreciate that. Thanks for reading the blog, too. And, yes, dkzone’s description of a “vampire kiss” is GREAT! :)
@ Baba Doodlius: I’ve seen birds kiss!! It’s cute!
August 1st, 2008 at 12:18 am
daring…. dig this…. was in a band … during High school….. played most of the schools in the area…. NYC….. played a Catholic high school for young adults… am saying that ’cause during that time …. tha’ curve was moving….. when the break comes…. a very cool lady…. that I knew… slides towards me and said some thing deep in my ear….. then she took my hand and led me thru her school to her ” spot ” …. what happens next …. is hellacool…..
then a nun…. wandered in …. but she was cool 2…. now take your mind outta
that pocket…. ’cause it was’nt like that…. but she was ….. soooo cool… did’nt
bust a move on us….. just smiled and remembered her youth and told us to
bust a move…. and which we did …..
has anyone danced a ” foot a part ” at one of these gigs
lamesabassman… and the kiss was branded… to my very soul……
August 5th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Soo funny to read about the Vampire… My younger brother and I call this ‘the French Connection’. Brings back good memories of a long hot summer in the late 80’s spent fine-tuning this ‘trick’ with the seemingly innocent women at a touristy disco on the Cote d’Azur. Two weeks into our vacation, donning a nice tan and era-appropriate blow-dried ‘do’, we easily achieved a 50% French kiss hit rate without exchanging a *single* word beforehand… Wonder if would work as well in NY? Perhaps if I took off my wedding ring?
August 7th, 2008 at 8:18 am
You said, “Wonder if would work as well in NY? Perhaps if I took off my wedding ring?” You’re a jackass. :) But you already know that, right?
November 21st, 2008 at 9:33 am
[...] thankful for that boy (who’s never mentioned on the blog) who comes from that place and gives good kisses; like everyone, I can be neurotic and overthink things when I’m dating, but I’m [...]
January 9th, 2009 at 4:46 am
Because everyone wants to experiment what there not use to.. alot of white women already know what white men are like from either just having a white father or dating them.. black men seem exciting to them and something new. Same reason why white men date black women, cause they already know what white women are like either from there mother or dating them, black women seem exciting and new to them i guess.
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Seasol
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