Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

The Secret Sex Bloggers’ Cabal

You can find us in Union Square, near that dingy bar on 17th St with the waitress who always brings the wrong drinks. Spot our little tushes comfortably seated in office cubicles next to yours on the 8th floor of the building on 34th. We have jobs, children, husbands and lovers. We cry when our family members get sick. We question whether we’ll stay in NYC. We write book proposals that we hope & pray will sell. We get frustrated when rifts threaten to tear our community apart. Some of us fear you’d reject, divorce or fire us if you knew what we said (and did!) when we draped our fingers across our laptops — keystroking our truths, living and writing as honestly as we know how.

In the 2009 NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar, we bare all. See faces, fishnet-clad legs, corsets and feather boas. Our group includes a giant 125-pound leggy blonde, a funky brown chick dressed as a sexy Cinderella, a scantily clad superhero and other images that will certainly make you wet, hard, or hard and wet. We range in age and skin tones from warm mahogany sultry 20-somethings to naughty, pale peach 50-somethings. Buy a calendar! It costs $30 (international: €20.77, ₤16.67, ¥3,177.12, etc) — includes shipping & sexy images of pin ups Audacia, Desiree, Diva, Elizabeth, Jamye, Lux, Mariella, Rachel, Riese, Sinclair, Tess and me (Twanna). Or, if you prefer, spend only $10 (international: €6.92, ₤5.50, ¥1,059.04 or etc) to print whatever you want on a day of your choosing. Examples? Buy January 20th and write “Happy Birthday, Twanna! From, ___.” You could buy your blog’s anniversary and write “Read my blog, www.___.blogspot.com. It turns 2 today.” (That’s a helluva advertising bargain!!!) Want a sneak peek? Check out my amateur snapshots of us prepping for the shoot:

The “real” images and a teaser trailer will be available soon. Buy a calendar (or a day) today. Details are online here. If you have questions, don’t be afraid to ask!! C’est tout!! Now, go buy a calendar. Big drippy kisses to the folks who made it possible: photographer Stacie Joy, videographer Audacia Ray, hairstylist Danny from Danny K Style, makeup artist Stormy / Jo Boy (username: mkp2418 email service: yahoo), photographer’s assistant darren Mayhem, stylist / AMAZING knower of all things related to posing & modeling Jezebel Express, and Slipper Room Burlesque Night Club & Cocktail Lounge floor manager / dj Ken “Kenball“. (RANDOMNESS: Stacie kinda sort of accidentally flashed Ken my crotch but, thankfully, he wasn’t looking.) 

Technorati Tags: 2009 NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar, Audacia Ray, Debauched Diva, Desiree, Elizabeth Wood, Jamye Waxman, Lux Alptraum, Mariella, NYC, NYC rants, Rachel Kramer Bussel, Riese, Sinclair Sexsmith, Tess Danesi

September 30th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [6] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Manly Monday: Fatman Scoop from Man and Wife

Oooh, it’s Manly Monday again. I love boys — in all forms they come. ;)  Mmmmm, I *almost* made Sugarbutch Chronicles’ Sinclair Sexsmith the new Manly Monday pick, but I think I’m gonna do that later and tie in a discuss about sexuality & gender politics. Some day. Just not today. The Funky Brown Chick pick for Monday, September 29th, is Fatman Scoop from MTV’s MAN and WIFE. Some of you longtime FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com readers may be thinking, “Man and Wife … I’ve heard of that.” Of course you have! Lux, Jamye, Rachel and I were guests on the show for Shanda’s ladies night out. (Watch the episode.)

Scoop’s GREAT! Definitely a super funny guy & he’s really good at what he does. After I met him, he mentioned he travels & works in Amsterdam a lot. So, of course, that makes me like him even more. I used to live in the Netherlands, and I count it as a second “home” of sorts. But, back to Scoop. Catch him and Shanda on MTV for the MAN and WIFE series premiere tonight at 11 PM ET/PT. From the website: “Man and Wife break new ground as the first married couple in the hip-hop genre discussing sex, money, sex, relationships, sex, jobs, sex, politics, sex, marriage, and yes, sex! [...] Scoop and Shanda are fierce advocates of safe sex, responsibility, monogamy, respect, hard work, and loyalty. This is a show about building and strengthening relationships for anyone who’s in love or looking for love. Open and honest communication for all is their mission, with great sex as life’s ultimate bonus.”

Technorati Tags: Fatman Scoop, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Man and Wife, MTV, reality TV, Shanda, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines, Twanna Hines

September 29th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [9] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Cosmopolitan StarLaunch Rockstars

I’ve been all up in Cosmo’s business lately. One of my favorite little birdies at the magazine chirped into my ear, and I now know they wanna help a fun, fearless, female singer/songwriter launch her career in the music industry. I’m not sure if they’re promising fame or fortune, but I looked at the contest video thingy on YouTube and it looks like it’s fairly easy to enter. I know a bunch of my readers are guys. But, I’m wondering if I’ve got any female songstresses out there in the crowd?? If so, you should enter their contest. Why? Because I wanna be able to say, “Heeeey, one of my readers TOOOOOTALLY won that contest. I knew her waaaaay back when she used to read Funky Brown Chick.” :)  I can’t promise you’ll win. I have just as much influence in what happens at Cosmo as I have in deciding what John McCain or Barack Obama will eat for dinner tomorrow. That said, if you enter the contest and lose, I’ll give you a virtual pat on the back for trying. If you win, can I go to your concert and meet Solange Knowles??? Come on. Give it a shot. I want you to be famous. Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/cosmostarlaunch

Technorati Tags: Cosmopolitan magazine, Cosmopolitan StarLaunch

September 27th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [2] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Who Won the Debate?

Although I live in New York now, I’m a native Illinoisan. I grew up in the land of cornfields and white snow. I know you can’t let your gas tank get too close to the little red “e” mark during January because your lines will freeze. Phrases like “wind chill factor” and “lake effect snow” actually make sense to me. I can handle myself during a tornado drill. I’ve smiled at “Da Mare” on TV, driven across the Great Plains along I-55 and seen the Misssissippi River flowing under a bridge to Iowa. I actually know Iowa jokes!!!! On this blog, I’ve written posts like “I’m from Illinois, Bitches” and “Eating Too Much Corn Makes You Goofy.” When you crack open my veins, you’ll see teeny chunks of yellow corn peppered through my blood.

When I was in Chicago, I lived in Wicker Park and supported my alderman Manny Flores because I liked his politics and I thought he was hot. (Look at him. See? He’s hot.) I had a job in an area called Hyde Park, Barack Obama’s neighborhood. During my free time, among other things, I briefly volunteered for Obama’s state sentator campaign — spending my Saturday afternoon getting my fellow Americans registered to vote. So, when I say, “I’m voting for Barack Obama” I don’t mean that in a blind, drunk-on-the-Koolaid, bandwagon-lovin’ kind of way. I mean I really like him. That doesn’t mean I don’t like my readers who support McCain/Palin. It just means we’re voting for different people. We’re adults here, right; we can handle disagreements.

Anywho. Last night, I missed the debates because I was out celebrating my friend Sara’s b-day. Like many people, I woke up and Googled my way around articles to find out: (1) what the candidates said and (2) how people are reacting to it so far. When I stumbled upon this Washington Post article about this McCain-Palin 2008 advertisement, I thought: “Whaaaa?!?!?” Before microphones were all turned off and chairs were neatly stacked away, the McCain camp ran an ad declaring “McCain Wins Debate” in huge letters with the fine print “Paid for by McCain-Palin 2008.” WTF? Partisanship aside, that’s kind of silly / funny / slightly scary. It would like me running an ad that says “FUNKYBROWNCHICK.COM VOTED BEST BLOG IN THE WORLD” followed by small type admitting ” … by the woman who writes it.”

Technorati Tags: Barack Obama, Illinois, John McCain, Palin, who won the debate

September 27th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [9] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Happy XXX Birthday Diesel, You Sexy Mofos!

Ah, those wacky Italians!!! Diesel. Manufacturer of sexy jeans, amazing clothing and really really funny viral videos. Renzo Rosso’s northern Italy-based design company founded in 1978 enters the Dirty Thirties this month. Yep, 3 to the 0! Or, if you wanna be naughty, XXX. If you haven’t heard the news, Diesel is throwing a kickass party on October 11 in seventeen international cities including NEW YORK CITY!!! I soooo wanna be on THAT guest list!! Check out their “almost naked SFW global XXX party invitation” video. It’s totally SFW in a NSFW kind of way. Speaking of “birfdays,” My girl Sara R. turns 30 tonight and I’m meeting up with the gang for drinks tonight. Have phone. Will Twitter. Follow me.

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Credit paid: Big drippy kisses to the ever-lovely “August B” and this New York twitterer for the tip.

Technorati Tags: Diesel, Diesel XXX, dirty thirties, Italian boys, Renzo Rosso, Twitter, viral video, XXX

September 26th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [5] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Do Women Want to Date Sensitive Men?

“Does she really want an effeminate man? That’s an oxymoron in itself [...] Women want a take-charge and authoritative man that can take care of business; a decisive man that can get things done, but with a tender heart.” That’s the story AskMen.com will tell you. (In case you’re keeping track, it’s the same group that introduced us all to so-called “female sexual manipulation.”)

Sensitive men. I’ve got them on the brain because, as I mentioned in yesterday’s post about introducing exes, the French Canadian said “Guys have a sensitive side too.” Also, earlier this week, a guy friend Mikey said, basically, men are just as sensitive as women and I should give ‘em a break. “And for the record,” says Mikey, “dating in New York is just as difficult and frustrating for guys as it is for women.” He may have a point. Though I hate to agree with AskMen.com, they’re probably on to something (in this one instance) too. I know *I* certainly want a take-charge man. When I date that guy, I complain I’m dating an asshole. When nice guys hit me up, I shoot ‘em down because they’re too nice. It’s a human condition, you know: if something comes too easily, you don’t want it, right? Everyone loves a challenge. But, then again …

Typically, when I find the guy that’s “just right” for me, we usually date happily for months (or, in some cases, years) until the relationship no longer works for one or both of us. One ex in particular was such a beautiful, pure and decent person that I almost married him. And, of course, it completely shattered me in that snot-faced, weep-till-your-eyes-hurt, cry-till-you-heave kind of way. “Both don’t know what they want,” Mikey the guy friend says, “until they find what it is they were looking for.” I’d agree. Also, unfortunately, sometimes men (and women) don’t know what they’ve got until it’s no longer theirs to be had.

Hmmm … Back to the question at hand: Are men equally as sensitive as women? Do women want to date sensitive guys? I certainly have my opinions about that, but I’m curious to hear your thoughts as well. Leave ‘em in the comments section.

Technorati Tags: AskMen.com, female sexual manipulation, sensitive men

September 25th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [27] folks got down with the Funky Brown

How Should You Introduce An Ex?

One of my French Canadian exboytoys recently started reading my blog. “I don’t think most guys like to consider themselves ‘boytoys’. It’s derogative,” he complained yesterday. “It means that all you think of the said toy is that he’s all body to play with, but not much of anything else [...] I’d much rather be your friend than an old boytoy [...] Guys have a sensitive side too… And we like to think that we have personalities too.” Point taken. In my own defense, that’s not what I meant by “exboytoy.” All body to play with, but not much of anything else is a “fuck buddy.” Hmm, I guess I divide the men who’ve stuck their penises inside me into three main categories.

• EXBOYFRIEND: At one point in history, dude called me his girlfriend and I called dude my boyfriend. Now, we’re no longer dating. So, whenever I introduce dude to my friends, I’ll say, “This is ___.” When dude isn’t looking, I’ll silently and exaggeratedly point to dude behind his back and mouth the word “exboyfriend” to my friends. They’ll nod understandingly because, chances are, they’ve already heard the stories about dude. On the blog, I’ll call dude “exboyfriend.”

• EXBOYTOY: We dated, but dude never called me his girlfriend and I never called dude my boyfriend. If I tell my current date, friends or whoever “This is __” without explaining dude and I used to date, they’d ask, “Why didn’t you mention you and dude used to date???” Hence, the phrase exboytoy.

• FRIEND: Maybe we slept together. Maybe we didn’t. Maybe we still occasionally sleep together because we still have strong sexual attraction / chemistry. In any case, it’s absurdly clear that neither one of EVER wanted to be the other’s girlfriend or boyfriend. No messy history; we’re just friends.

How about you, dear readers? What words do you use to introduce someone you used to date? What’s your ex-etiquette?

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Photo credit: Yellow exboyfriend sign appears online and is available for purchase at ScottysaysRadio.com.

Technorati Tags: exboyfriends, exboytoys, exes, guy friends, male friends, sex, sleeping with friends

September 24th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [23] folks got down with the Funky Brown

What’s the Greatest City on Earth?

Mark Frauenfelder over at Boing Boing is confused. “I wanted to live in the greatest city on Earth,” he says, “so I moved to Los Angeles.” Whatever. If he *REALLY* wanted to live in “the greatest city on Earth” he would’ve moved to New York. Or, maybe, Amsterdam (pictured).

Delusions aside, I’ve gotta say I love Mark’s recent list of interesting books. Damon Brown’s Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider and other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture made the cut and sounds particularly interesting. (Any gamers out there???) By the way, hat tip to Mikey P. for bringing Mark’s list to my attention. Mike shot me an email noting these books “might appeal to your readers.” See that? Not only do *I* look out for and love my readers, my friends do as well! Some of them even mention some of you by name. Seriously. The other day, Bro asked, “Where’s Mama Christy? She hasn’t commented in a while.” And, Mags said, “Is it just me? I never ‘get’ lamesabassman’s comments.”

See, that’s love.

Anywoo, my stat counter tells me I’ve got quite a few “new” readers. I’m always curious to know who’s out there and where you’re visiting from. No need to give specific details. (i.e. “Hi, My name is Bob Sanders from Crawville, North Carolina. I’m 28 years old, married with 2 toddlers and my wife doesn’t know I read your blog.”) A simple “Hi from Westminster, Colorado!” will do. Come on. Make the funky brown chick happy on this cloudy Tuesday afternoon!! Lurkers, regulars, first time visitors, friends and foes, please use the comment section to tell me where you are and/or which city YOU think is the best city on earth. Was Mark right? Is Los Angeles the place to be? Dunno. When one of my single NY-dwelling girlfriends asked an LA-dwelling friend if she should move out west to plop herself in the middle of all those scantily clad single men (surfers, yum), the LA woman told the New Yorker: “No no no.  No.  LA is no great mecca for meeting guys. [...] I think there are more single guys out here because none of these hollywood motherfuckers would be caught dead in relationships.” :) Funny. Maybe the key to finding the greatest city is finding the one that “fits” you best. For me, for right now, that’s New York City baby! (Though, I often miss Amsterdam.) How about you? What’s your favorite city?

Technorati Tags: Amsterdam, books, delurking, Mark Frauenfelder, New York City

September 23rd, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [38] folks got down with the Funky Brown